Surge of Anger

[Steve 7745]

While reading over Dani's post today, she mentioned how she was feeling angry and resentful to her significant other. I guess somewhere in that, I was reminded of my own anguish against my most recent ex.

 

A particular moment came to mind, seemingly out of the blue. It was the day we decided to make our Facebook status match our relationship. I sent her an invitation request to which she did not readily respond. I noted that she instead asked her best friend (a gay gentleman) out to lunch to discuss important things upon his wall.

 

This was not the reason for my anger.

 

Instead, the reason came later that night when I was feeling a bit down because of it. She knew what was going on and told me such. Her excuse was, "I was busy today and didn't have time."

 

I knew she was lying. I knew it. She had time to talk to her friend(s?). At that moment, I held back because I rationalized that she wanted to decide whether this was good for her. And because I wanted to believe her. I feel angry right now, but whether it was because she did not tell me the truth or because I chose to trust her, I cannot say.

 

This post is going to add fuel to the fire that people believe the internet is the greatest downfall of relationships. And I certainly won't argue against that. On one hand, perhaps it was nosy to check while on the other, the information was right there and a decent means to check if someone was telling the truth. Although in all honesty, she was also cyber stalking my profile as her last email to me indirectly revealed.

 

I know that I don't feel proud for checking, but neither do I feel ashamed. There's at least a few things I wish I had done differently in the last days of our relationship. I wish I had pulled back for one. I wish I hadn't slightly embarrassed her on Facebook. I wish I hadn't tolerated the scathing blog entry she indirectly made about me on our old dating site.

 

I guess in the end, I accept the fact that I feel a surge of anger I can do very little about. Tiny pin needles that my memories sometimes serve up to stir frustrations about a past I can do nothing about. All I can do is learn from my mistakes and not repeat them. I accept a small degree of resentment I feel towards my ex until I let it go. I swallow all urges to contact my ex about this, refusing to break NC.

 

You can't change the past. You can only work not to repeat it.

[livefree]

Ah, I understand this surge. I once reread a journal I once wrote while in a toxic relationship. Even years later, I still got that sick feeling in my stomach from reading it and got so MAD. Not mad in the "I'm not over it and I'm still hurt" way, but just so angry that anyone could ever be that way towards anyone. I'm glad I kept it as a reminder of what relationships should NOT be like, but I threw it away as a way to tell myself that the past is over.

[tone_deaf]

It's strange how all these realizations suddenly occur as the breakup progresses. It's strange to even say that a breakup progresses, but I can see how it does. The reality sets in, the acceptance of it, etc.

 

But to come to see some previous action as a mistake is so natural. I know for me, one of the things that I should have done is let my intentions towards marriage be more evident. Perhaps all this could have been avoided if I would have told her that, yes, I was going to propose to her before moving in in December. But I got scared. I wanted it to be something romantic. And things started to unravel.

 

But that's the way it goes. I absolutely agree with he2etic, you can't contact them, just to tell them. These things just have to be part of me now, and how I handle the next woman.

[Steve 7745]

Well said.

[greywolf]

I know what you mean. But during my breakup, the anger was what kept me from becoming a big miserable pile of mess.

[yankeefan74]

I think about all the times i kept my mouth shut, allowed myself to just "make it through the moment" when her sudden bouts of anger over nothing overwhelmed our relationship and made me like garbage the whole day.

 

I think about all the crap i put up with simply because i was so powerfully attracted to her...and it makes me smile at all the times i actually said what was on my mind and maybe forced her to look at something she was desperately trying to ignore.

 

There are many examples of my own behavior i wish i could take back, but I can't. However, i'm comforted by the fact that i never did or said anything nasty, never let slip a single anger-induced insult...in fact, i never said anything in anger to her that wound up hurting her.

 

But i have these moments that wash over me at times...wondering why i spent so much time compromising, just trying to get through those moments when she was being completely irrational, directing her displaced anger out on me or someone else...just trying to fade into the background until it was over.

 

We went out to dinner, and she ordered a meal that included garlic mashed potatoes. The portion she received was tiny. Not a normal sized portion like most places should serve...but just tiny, and it was an expensive meal. So she got incredibly angry at the staff, and when they brought her more potatoes, she said "I don't want them...that doesn't fix anything."

 

I realized that she was just getting emotion out...it was just an opportunity to express the rage building inside of her...and i asked myself then "Do i want to spend the next 3 months or the rest of my life going through this as it's been for the last 3 months."

 

What angers me is that I said "yes i do. she's worth it."

[StillSmiling]

[quote=yankeefan74;

What angers me is that I said "yes i do. she's worth it."

 

Amazing what we are willing to accept in someone when we are in love. It is only with time that we are able to step back and see the things that were truly wrong about it.

 

My head is finally out of the clouds on how perfect he was. Now if I could only get my heart to do the same thing. Time ...

[yankeefan74]

yeah, i spent a great deal of time trying to make sure i wasn't allowing myself to be blinded by her in any way - as it had been a while since i was in a long term relationship. i didn't want to jump into one just to be in one. I thought i was being objective, but i suppose it's not really possible without taking that step back that you mentioned.

 

I was by no means perfect in the relationship. I was afraid to give much of myself in the beginning...I took bad moods out on her but i always apologized without it having had to be coaxed out of me. Still, i took far too much blame, and unfortunately, after the break up, apologized for far too much. That also angers me. She would just sit there and soak it all up...

 

I'm also angered by the fact that when i see her, I somehow feel inferior...like because she's jumped into something with someone else, and i have not...that i didn't deserve to be with her anyway...or i'm a weaker person...i don't know. It's silly, but something that i have been dealing with.

[StillSmiling]

Yankee, I hear ya. I have the inferior thinggoingon as well and it is not easy.

 

Truth be, she is only one person, with one tiny opinion of you. We have to stop caring how they think.

 

And I,like you, am not a kid and was VERY careful going into this. I stayed single for a year and a half before we got involved. I didn't want to make another mistake. Yet I still somehow stupidly talked myself rightthrough the red flags and feel hard ...

 

We are all learning. And are better for it and WILL make better choices in the next round.

[yankeefan74]

I agree with you. It's taken some time to get that kind of perspective, but it's only been a month and a half.

 

I certainly wish i'd learn some of these things at 24 instead of 34, but whatever. They happen when they happen.