My story and my question

[Clabs]

Hey sadcomposer

 

Well good for you in your decision - you know it is the right thing to be doing. Do this for you and don't look back. Don't beg her back either. Give it some time - don't do what lots of people on here do and panic. There really is plenty of time for her to come around and see the improvements you have made and the commitment you have made.

 

You know we are here to support you too if you feel weak or down.

 

Good luck mate.

 

Mark

[sadcomposer]

Thanks Mark,

 

Right now I just have to take it one day at a time, even one minute at a time. I can't concentrate on her, because chances are that we were not meant for each other. I just have to stop drinking and see what happens. Thanks again.

[sadcomposer]

Bestrongbehappy,

 

I just started reading the Rational Recovery website. VERY interesting. Thanks very much!!!!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

You're welcome. It's a good alternative for those who don't feel they mesh with AA philosophies, but whatever works for you to help you stop drinking permanently is the best plan!

 

Best of luck... keep at it!

[sadcomposer]

Well I spoke to my ex. I told her that I am quitting for good. Not another drop for the rest of my life. She is not convinced that I am not doing this to get her back. She wants to wait and see if I can do it on my own. So she does not want for us to get back together right now. I said fine, I understand, even if you don't come back, I'm still doing it. She said I could call her if I want and I said she could too, my door is open. So now I just have to wait. I'm pretty confident she will come back, I just don't know when. But when she does, I'll finally be able to say that we will have an excellent long-term relationship. My plan now is not to call her for a least a couple of days. Wish me luck. Thanks

[Clabs]

Luck fella - the very best of luck. Keeping it all crossed for you.

 

Keep us updated, eh?

 

Mark

[sadcomposer]

Will do. Thanks

[Karmageddon]

Luck has been wished!

[sadcomposer]

My only problem is how will I convince her that this is MY decision, regardless of wether she comes back or not. How much time is reasonable. Should I even try to convince her. I really miss her. If anybody has any suggestions it would help. I'm not sure if NC is the key in my case. She specifically told me that she loves and would come back if I stopped drinking completely. I guess at one point she will have to decide that I am serious and take my word for it. I'm so confused.

[Karmageddon]

Well, here is the thing about making changes... The more you try to tell everyone the great changes you have made in your life, the more they will just think you are grand standing and waiting for proof or a slip up. But if you are making changes for you & actually doing it & suceeding, you can only hope that she notices. She will have to notice on her own. In a situation like yours, its easy to tell when positive changes are being made.

[sadcomposer]

You know, what difference does it make the reason I chose to quit drinking. Sure, losing her was the last drop. (no pun intended). But there are a lot of other very good reasons why I chose to stop. Geez, I was a slave to it. Even when I was only drinking once a month, just the feelings of anticipation were keeping me as a slave. Now I feel like I've been liberated, that I have taken over control of my life. Surely she must understand that this is a giant decision. I have NEVER before even hinted at quitting altogether, or even called myself an alcoholic. My reasons were simple, I did not think I could do it. But now after 2 years of slowly cutting down, going to AA and seeing my therapist, I KNOW that I can do it. She should know this, she was with me all the time I did this progress.

 

I'm just scared that she is using this as an excuse to look around for someone better, or that she simply does not want to go on. But, I don't think she is mean like that, she has always been very sincere with me. Just venting. How long to you guys think I should wait? I don't think the rules of NC to heal oneself apply to my situation. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks

[BeStrongBeHappy]

You missing the point here a bit.

 

The reason she is saying it is so important that you do it for you rather than for her, is that she knows that if you only do it for her (i.e., to get her back), as soon as she's been back a while and you start to feel like things are 'normal' again and you've got her safely attached to you, you'll start drinking again.

 

She may also sense that you are not 100% sure that you want to quit drinking and stay sober. That's what doing it for yourself means, that she senses that change in you, that you are determined to stay sober, and that alcohol no longer has any place in your life.

 

She may just be at the end of her rope with your drinking, and choose not to even think about it anymore.

 

So the only way around this is to show that you stay sober, don't drink at all, have no intention of ever drinking again.

 

She may be willing to come back, but she also may have just had enough, and there is no way to tell that. So you just need to work on yourself and getting to the point where you genuinely, deep down accept that you can't ever drink again, and don't do it either. That is all to your benefit, and can't be dependent on anything she does or doesn't do.

[sadcomposer]

I agree, that is my plan. I am certain 100% of my decision. That's why I'm being impatient. But I have no choice. I'll just keep LC so she sees that I'm serious and wait. Thanks

[pumpkinmoon]

Sorry if this seems harsh in anyway but here goes...

 

My definition of an alcoholic is someone who drinks alcohol everyday. I'm not sure how long this has been going on for you but I would say get the help now before you start turning to spirits and drinking more that 7 or 8 beers a day.

 

If you are an alcoholic then I don't think you should even be drinking once a month, it just doesn't work like that.

 

Should you move on and find a woman who will accept your condition and support you? Why should someone have to accept that someone close to them is an alcoholic?

 

It all depends how much your ex means to you and how much you want to help yourself get out of this.

 

Good luck

[sadcomposer]

Definition of an alcoholic is someone who NEEDS to drink and has to fight to control it. I am an alcoholic. The only way to be happy and keep people close is to stop drinking altogether. It has taken me 2 years to get there, but it is where I am now. I will never touch alcohol again. She will have to decide by herself if she trusts me and has confidence that I will achieve my goal. I sure hope she does. Only time will be able to convince her, I just have to be patient. Thanks

[sadcomposer]

You know in a way it's good that this is happening now. A year ago if she had given an ultimatum like that the alcoholic in me would have brushed her off. She accepted that I was an alcoholic before I even realized I was one. She stuck by me for 2 years while I cleaned up my act. This time around she left me because she realized that the way she freaked over my relapse was an over-reaction. She knows this, regrets it, but still cannot deal with an alcoholic who won't quit for good. She's right, and I can't ask her to do it. I'm happy that she did it now. What she did was the last drop (no pun intentded) that made me decide to quit forever. Fortunately, BECAUSE of the struggle I had with alcohol over the last 2 years and all the progress that I made, I NOW feel confident that I WILL be abstinent for the rest of my life.

 

Now, how do I act so that she sees it. She agreed that I can call her anytime I want. When we last spoke on the phone, I asked that we not communicate by email, because we have a tendency to misinterpret messages. She agreed. So I figured I would call her and keep things light maybe every 3 or 4 days. During our conversation, I told her I had started to write a new song, and asked her if she would consider writing verses for me. She has done this with me in the past. She said ok and we left it at that.

 

Well, this morning, I got an email from her. She wrote

 

"Hi ***,

 

I know that you said you wanted to avoid email, but if you were to send me an mp3 of the song, it might inspire me.

 

****"

 

I was very pleased, so I sent it to her. I then sent her another email with the few lyrics that I had written for the chorus.

 

Later she replied.

 

"Thanks, by the way my colleague here thinks you have a very beautiful voice and was enchanted by your music!!!!"

 

And then in response to the lyrics,

 

"Thanks, I will print this out to bring home and my trip this weekend. Thanks for offering it to me, I will do my best, but there is no obligation for you to use whatever I come up with."

 

Now, that hurt. Sure I'm not expecting her to come crawling back right away. But to hear that she has plans to go away for the weekend really hurts. Obviously, and this is just my paranoia speaking, I'm afraid she has already met someone else. This is highly doubtful, but you never know. She could have decided already that she won't be coming back to me whatever happens. Anyways, all I can do is to keep working on me and my abstinence and hope for the best. Be it with her or somebody else. I KNOW that she still loves me, she told me so. This is hard, I miss her so, but I can't push her. She has to come back in her own good time.

[Karmageddon]

She is more than likely going away with her girlfriends, which is all I have been doing since my split. They are invaluable during these times. Girl time and this place has what has kept me on an even keel since then. So don't rush to judgement here.

[sadcomposer]

Yeah, I'm sure you are right. Thanks. Man, it's taking me more willpower not to contact her and push her than it is not to drink. I was used to not drinking, but I'm not used to not having her around. That's the real test. sigh...

[sadcomposer]

Not only that, she is a very kind person. I know that if she had met someone else, she would not even hint at it. She would just tell me that she does not think things could work out between us, even if I am abstinent. I might get that answer at some point, but I will NEVER go back to drinking. Don't need that in my life. I feel so much better today, I've started to eat well again and feel so positive about my decision. Thanks again Kar.

[Karmageddon]

No problem! Make me proud!!

[sadcomposer]

I really want her back. Maybe I should apply all the rules of NC with her. Just call her, tell her that my decision is made, and ask her not to contact me anymore unless she wants to get back together. I feel like I'm in a limbo and I feel like a wimp, just waiting until she makes up her mind. It would be the ultimate test to my sobriety were she to tell me that she is not interested anymore. Why wait, might as well get it over with. Like going to the dentist. But then again she might just say that she is not sure yet, and then I'll still be waiting like a wimp. Man, I don't know what to do so I won't do anything for now. Thanks

[sadcomposer]

She must feel like she is on a powertrip right now. I have never promised her that I would stop drinking before. Now, I did not promise her anything, I told her I DECIDED to quit, forever. What the heck more does she want?

[Karmageddon]

She must feel like she is on a powertrip right now. I have never promised her that I would stop drinking before. Now, I did not promise her anything, I told her I DECIDED to quit, forever. What the heck more does she want?

 

You are flip flopping again. It's normal. Just stick to what you want to do, you are going to have to be patient. The reality is that your relationship may not work out, just like all of ours, even under the best circumstances. The only thing you can control right now it you. So my advice is to take control of you & your life. If she loves you as much as you say, & this it what you want, you know its the best thing for you, you broke up because of it, have the power to fix it....then when you do fix it, how can that be a bad thing?

 

You have already lost her by not quitting, right?

[sadcomposer]

She has never asked me straight out to give it up altogether until now. She was happy with my progress. Until that one night when I drank while she was out of town. I told her as soon as she got back, I did not hide it from her. But I did not expect us to breakup over it. I wish I could know right now if she is really serious about us getting back together because I have quit forever. I guess only she will decide that. What I don't know is if I should let her know how I'm doing with it, or wait for her to ask. I'm pretty sure she will contact eventually, well... not really. I don't want to pursue her or push her, but if I don't let her know, I don't want her to think that I have started drinking again. Because I won't. My resolve is getting even stronger. Confused.

[sadcomposer]

Maybe just send her an e-mail, saying that if she does not hear from me, it's because I am not drinking. If I do have a relapse, I'll let her know. What do you think?