My story and my question

[Karmageddon]

Why don't you just lay it on the line and ask her what kind of contact she would appreciate or progress reports etc... you could do some sort of online journal if she isn't sure, or maybe if you want to go LC contact her once a month on a certain day if you are still sober and making progress that way. I don't really know her, so it's tough to think of what would be best. I know that you want her to see your progress & I understand that, so you really have to have a talk with her on the best way to approach that. I'm sure she will have some idea as what would make her comfortable communication wise.

[sadcomposer]

Well I just called her. We did not have a long talk, she had to leave soon for the weekend with her girlfriends. (you were right Kar). She asked if I wanted her to call me when she got back. I said sure. I told her that I'm doing really well and that I am still as resolved as the last time we spoke. She said good for you. So, all in all, pretty good news I guess. Now I have to stop thinking about it until sunday. Thanks again.

[Karmageddon]

You know, if you can stay sober, it looks like this is totally fixable for you, which makes me really happy for you. Most of the rest of us don't really have that. Perhaps you are luckier than you think you are.

[sadcomposer]

She just called me back. She and her friends decided to leave only tomorrow morning. We spoke for maybe 15 minutes. I kept it really light, but still told her how I was doing and how determined I still was. She is very happy for me. I did not push her to come back or anything. We just spoke about our week etc.. It was really nice. I did ask her if she was serious about taking me back if I stayed sober, because if her decision was made, I wanted to know as soon as possible because I don't want to relapse when she tells me. She told me that she is still thinking about it. At the end she said let's talk next week. So, I just have to be patient and stay sober. Wish me luck, I will keep you up to date.

[sadcomposer]

I'm having a hard time today. I can't help thinking she is doing this out of "sisterly love" type thing. Figuring that if I can stay sober for a month or two, then she'll feel less guilty of dumping. But then again, she always said that she did not want to be a mother to me, and that would really be acting like a mother. She's out having un with her friends and here I am missing her so much. I guess I just have to be patient and hope for the best. At least I don't have any desire to start drinking again, I'm motivated to do stuff around the house and trying to keep myself busy. Just venting, thanks.

[sadcomposer]

It's taking major willpower not to call her right now. The only thing stopping me is the fear of rejection. If I knew that it would help to get us back together, I would do it. But I must remember that if I did convince her, I would always wonder afterwards if she would of come back of her own accord. I'm really sad right now, it's as if a giant chunk of my heart and soul was ripped away. I miss her so much. We were so comfortable together when things were going well. I hate that alcohol as done this to me, but I must remember that I did it to myself. Alcohol has no power, I do. Just venting again. Thanks

[BeStrongBeHappy]

It's actually good to recognize what drinking has cost you, because then you are starting to de-romanticize drinking and really see it for the destructive habit it is...

 

That will help strengthen your resolve not to drink. So you can hate the effects it has had on your life, while recognizing that it is up to you to accept that you can never do it again without doing grievous harm to yourself. Alcohol is not just the fun drink, it is the chaos that comes after the drink, the aftereffects.

 

And you are right that alcohol doesn't have any intrinsic power. You are the one who picks up the glass, so it will help you immensely to understand that what you have to do is never do that again and alcohol can't make you, only you can make you.

 

Best of luck... keep going! You can miss your ex, but once you are truly free from alcohol and have a couple months of sobriety under your belt, you will start thinking much more clearly and feel stronger to deal with anything in your life.

[sadcomposer]

Thanks BeStrong,

 

My determination has not wavered, I will NOT drink anymore. But I'm really sad that my ex does not see it. I'm very anxious not knowing where she is at in her reflexion. I just have to be patient and prepare myself for a rejection, because I don't want to relapse. Thanks again.

[sadcomposer]

You know, she told me when she left me that she felt she was keeping me in a prison and did not want to do that anymore. I guess she could sense that I was unhappy not being able to drink more than once a month. It's incredible how blind I was. It's the alcohol that was keeping me in a prison. I feel so liberated to have taken it out of my life. I spoke to her briefly this morning, and I told her that. She told me that she felt like she was in the cell next to me. Alcohol was keeping her in a prison also. I think things are slowly moving in the right direction with us. I hope I'm not wrong, it really would be devastating, but I won't drink again. Thanks

[Karmageddon]

Sounds like some clarity may be starting to sink in. Keep moving forward, the only place to go from here is up.

[sadcomposer]

Thanks, Kar, I'm just afraid it might be too late. The more we are apart the more I fear that she thinks she is better off without me. But I can't change that. All I can do is take care of myself and stay sober. This will have been the 3rd love that I lose, I won't lose the next one. Thanks again.

[Karmageddon]

I'm just afraid QUOTE]

 

I know. But just stick your ultimate goal. You can only control yourself & you have barely started this process. It will take some time to see how things shake out.

[sadcomposer]

She called me today. She is just starting to work with computers and she's having a hard time. I was helping her out. Well today she needed help so she decided to call me. My first reaction was "You don't want to be with me but you still want my help? **** off!!" But I did not do that. I was really nice and friendly, helped her, and she was very appreciative. She then sent me an email saying thanks and see you later. So, I'm happy that I controlled my emotions and the fact that she added "see you later". I must be patient, not get my hopes too high, but I think things are looking up. Thanks again

[Karmageddon]

Yeah, well if you had flown off the handle, it would have just lent creedence to her previous decision. Women want a stable confident consistent man they can trust and be able to rely on. The rollercoaster ride takes its toll after a while & often the low lows make it not worth the ride anymore. So good job. Vent it here.

[Clabs]

hi sadcomposer

 

Just wanted to chime in and say well done for staying strong and holding it together.

 

Hang in there, keep strong, and be patient, ok? You guys are still talking so that is something positive. Keeping it all crossed for you mate.

 

Mark

[sadcomposer]

Thanks guys, I appreciate it.

 

It's really weird. She wrote another message saying how sometimes she feels so helpless that she just wants to cry. So I wrote her back an encouraging message and added a joke to try and cheer her up. She wrote me back saying that everytime she was sad I always respond with a joke. I felt , again, like answering "hey you don't want to be with me and expect me to support you!!!". But no, sweet guy that I am am, I just answered "sorry, I did not know you were sad, I just thought you were discouraged and I thought I would cheer you up. I am sad too you know. Thinking of you." She wrote back saying how I was always attentive. apoligizing and saying she shoudn't expect support considering the state of our relationship. "I must learn to deal with it by myself. Thinking of you also".

 

I don't know what to make of all this. I guess she called cause she was sad, and when things did not work out the way she wanted, she put the blame on me. That is typical of her. I love her just the way she is, but geez... She needs to work on stuff too, and I hope she realizes it. I'm doing my part big time. Anyways, a week sober today and I'm proud of myself and just as committed.

 

Thanks again Kar and Clabs.

[sadcomposer]

She now left me a message on my cell's voicemail while I was away. You can tell that she is really upset. She apologized again for her behavior and promised not to do it again in the future. She then ends then call by telling me she kisses me.

 

I don't know if I should return her call. What is there to say? Am I supposed to think that there IS a future? And then she kisses me. Is she waiting for me to ask her to come back? I already told her my door was open and I have told her my commitment to quit drinking. I guess I'll just wait until tomorrow or whatever. When in doubt, do nothing.

[Karmageddon]

She's just having a bad day & is used to leaning on you. And she is right, she will have to think of otherways to deal with it too. She doesn't get to have her cake and eat it too either. You are going to need some consistency from her as well & it sounds like you two may need to come to a real clear and common understanding of what type of communication is going to be acceptable between the two of you. Then stick to it.

[sadcomposer]

As soon as she makes her decision, if she does not want to come back, there will be no communication. She knows I'm not interested in friendship. I'm just going to lay low and wait for her to contact.

[Karmageddon]

As soon as she makes her decision, if she does not want to come back, there will be no communication. She knows I'm not interested in friendship. I'm just going to lay low and wait for her to contact.

 

Ok fine, what about the grey areas in between that time and now?

[sadcomposer]

Well the grey areas. Good question. Next time if she behaves like that, I'll just tell her politely that she can't expect me to help and support her if she won't do the same with me and we are a couple.

[sadcomposer]

I thought that maybe she would call me last night, but she didn't. I'm starting to think that in her voicemail, when she says that she will try not to contact me for help again in the future, she means that there is no future left. And the kiss at the end of the call? A farewell kiss? I'm trying not to be negative, but maybe I should be. I'm trying to go thru my day as if she IS gone forever, but I can't kill the hope yet. I would think that if her decision is made, she would let me know more clearly, but I don't want to push her, because I don't think I'm quite ready to hear that yet. But I must prepare myself for such an outcome. I am fulfilling her conditions. I am now committed to stay sober and am willing to see a psychiatrist. So.....?

[Karmageddon]

I get the feeling you have a tendency to over analyse. Maybe its time to just get out of your own head for a while. Sounds crowded & unhappy in there. Why don't you switch up some things in your life. Also, you mentioned you are staying sober & willing to see a psychiatrist, so what are you proactively doing about that right now?

[sadcomposer]

Well, I'm not drinking, and I registered with a forum for alcoholics. I went to AA last week, but it's too depressing, just makes me more thirsty. I'm eating well, drinking lots of water. I try to walk or take my bike once a day.

 

As for the psychiatrist, my ex works in psychiatry and is supposed to bump my name up the list of a really good psychiatrist. She said she would have news tomorrow.

 

We'll see

[sadcomposer]

Thanks Kar,

 

You know, I have a recording studio. I actually saved her voicemail in mp3 format. I told myself I would not listen to it until much later, but I could not help myself and just listened again. You can tell she is genuinely sorry and the "I kiss you" at the end is very tender and spontaneous. It does not have that "finality" or "last time" tone to it. So you're right, I'm over analysing. I think I just have to give time and space and hope for the best. Thanks again.