Still very hurt/stuck/angry about ex

[Nearwater]

Since the end of April I have been broken up with my GF. At first she was playing the "I'm not sure this is right for me" card, then said some hurts from the past were bothering her, then I find out the truth, she is involved with a MARRIED wealthy fat guy with 3 kids. I am having such a hard time not thinking about it every day. He has been blatant about showing her off to the wife, his kids, taking her on 2 trips ect. His divorce hearings have not yet started. I had a very bad grief reaction for several months that has improved, but now I started actually dreaming about it at night. If I wake up I instantly start to dwell on how bad her situation is and how it makes me feel. All info points to this being a bad rebound for the both of them, she jumped directly into this from our bed, after 3 years. Where can it go but in a downward spiral? He even admitted to the wife he had been pursuing one of her friends but she took the bait first! She is so in denial about it, has not cried a tear over us. I sit here wondering the first time he pulls back or they fight she will be dumped and THEN grieve the really loving relationship (by her own admission) that we had. I know she is a grown woman, able to make her own "decisions" but never the less, here I am bumming and missing her. Thoughts on rebounds ending badly? Ex's coming around? We are in NC, I, in email pointed out some of her lies and the truth about dating someone who is on his 3rd bad marriage with kids and got a "I will not talk to you or read your emails" She is so being used as a tool in this divorce...

[DN]

Has it occurred to you that she has made a cold and deliberate choice to dump a man who loves her for one who has bought her?

 

I understand you are hurting but she is an adult making adult decisions - and the fact that she made this one should tell you a lot about her character.

 

I hope that in the long run you will see that she did you a favour. Hard for you to see that right now, I know.

[hisoldflame]

well that's quite a pickle she's gotten herself into. it's painful to hear you give a hoot about her given what she's done, but i can empathize. when you care for someone, you care for them, no matter how many foolish things they may do, or what others may think about them.

 

but it's also important to devote some time to considering what she has done to you. granted, she may be getting what she 'needs' at some level right now, but at a big price. she handled it in rather callously--not just with you, but with the guy's ex wife and kids. imagine the pain those folks are going through, too.

 

she jumped directly from your bed--and now she has to sleep in the bed she made. let her process everything she's doing--that's all you can do, especially if you care. sometimes 'tough love' is the only way to help a person--and you--get through something. also, she is not running to you saying she wants out of the situation she's in, so at some point you must accept that this is the decision she made for herself.

 

so sorry this has turned out like this. it seems you cared for her a lot and she betrayed your trust.

[Nearwater]

Thanks, All that has occurred to me. It just feels so very wrong, I have never seen a person change like this over a period of a week or so. It's so bad I guess I just expect something positive to happen, for us...

 

I do not have doubts about who I am or what I brought to the relationship.

 

"Has it occurred to you that she has made a cold and deliberate choice to dump a man who loves her for one who has bought her?"

 

In the long run I don't doubt it will fail and she will be faced with real loss and pain, I just wish that sooner than later she would pop out of this fantasy.

[Zeter]

I sympathize and empathize more than you can know. Just don't apply logic to her decision-making, or you will drive yourself nuts.

 

Zeter (your brother in pain who's much better today than he was nine months ago)

[spazmy]

I agree with Zeter. I was faced with a similar situation more than a year ago. Stay strong. Some people are extraordinarily shallow in terms of how they relate to others. And you are still thinking of her well-being while she is, as she sees it, also thinking about her own well-being.

 

What hurts, though we do not know it at the time, is how nobody is thinking about "our well being."

 

I fell into the same trap. Instead of seeing how selfish she was being, I would feel so bad for her, for going ahead and dating this fat loser and how he would hurt her etc. etc.

 

Dude, it was such a bad idea. Not only did she literally cannibalize on my sympathy, she further entrenched herself in his arms, told everybody how much she did not want to be with me ... etc. etc.

 

Many humiliations later, I kind of looked back at the entire episode and wondered how everything that happened was at my expense.

 

With time, this insight helped. It helped to learn that during a breakup (especially when there is another person/parasite involved), there is little reason to find fault with the dumpee.

 

Everything is merely conjured up as a set of excuses to justify the decision made by the dumper.

 

So take heart. One day she will regret it. But you''ll have flown the nest. Plus from what you say, she is not right for you, not at least at this stage in her journey towards maturity.

 

Stay strong. NC for you.

[hisoldflame]

you know, sometimes people just have their internal combustions. they do 'crazy' things. they may not have the insight to realize it's their internal battles, not their mate's, but they go and do stuff to somehow rekindle their humanity or sense of purpose, self, identity, needs, wants, etc. it's weird, but it happens.

 

regarding the comment about the dumper or others not ever thinking about the dumpee, well, i don't totally agree. yes, some people may be more callous than others, but i think unless someone really hates somebody they're with, they do think about what they're doing to them. personally, it took me 2 years to even summon the courage to leave my ex because of how much i cared for him. it's been a year and i am still processing my guilt.

 

but anyhow, i am glad kanelio can see the situation in perspective.

[spazmy]

Actually I would like to respond to hisoldflame -- but I might detract from Kanelio's pain and his sense of loss. I wonder if there is any other place to say this. If this discussion is not suited to the thread, I will remove it tomorrow when I check this site again.

 

I agree that some dumpers feel horrid for the dumpee. It would be silly to say there are no feelings involved. But the sad fact is, oftentimes (and not always) instead of processing those feelings, they turn all their guilt into loathing, pity and also sometimes, contempt for the dumpee.

 

We all make mistakes in life. In choosing partners etc. However, why increase our hurt infinitely over being dumped, by feeling bad for the other person. As it is the pain of rejection is hard to bear. Add to this, grief over what happens to other only throws us deeper and deeper into a hole.

 

If people make strong decisions in life, no matter when it is, they should be prepared for the consequences. If we do not treat them like mature adults, then they will continue to behave the same way. One has to do some tough loving. Strange things may happen to people -- I agree with hisoldflame on this, but at the same time, to expect others to respect them when these things are happening to them at the expense of others would be a bit much to ask. Everybody needs to grow -- agreed, and these are the ways in which we experience growth -- but, at the same time, it cannot come for free. One oftentimes loses the respect and the love of the dumpee in the process -- this happens. For everything in this life, there is a price to pay. And I would say, sometimes, it is beautiful to pay such a price. For then, the next time one is faced with a choice, one measures what one wants to do. Guilt is important and invaluable in such a high stakes game called "the dumping." I hope I do not offend anybody here.

 

Kanelio, I am sorry how things panned out. Take what I say with a pinch of salt. At this time it is hard not to think of her welfare -- I understand. But try and take care of yourself first. Think of it this way, if there is no "happy, healthy you," then there is nothing for her to come back to.

 

Start with yourself. Cross other bridges when the time comes.

[Nearwater]

True words, Spazy. I think she does care about me, that can't evaporate in a few weeks. The letters I wrote at first were heartfelt appeals to heal, have a successful relationship

and grow together. When I heard from the wife of this guy and got the real story, I did not lash out in anger as I wanted to, I took the path of sending first an article about dating married men and not getting used in a rebound. That was met with an angry " I am not leaving you because of him and she is not leaving him because of me" Hogwash.

 

I then sent her the email from the wife saying how sorry she was this was happening and the details of the trip they were taking ( he threw it in her face)

 

This was answered with " I will not speak to you again or read your emails, get some help with your depression and anxiety" So NC will be easy, but my oldest friends strongly feel she will be calling when she gets back to our town when the meltdown starts.

 

What do you think?

[spazmy]

Meltdown may or may not come soon enough to offer any relief. What you should prepare for is to dig in your heels. Be strong. I know this is the most difficult thing you ever may have been through. But then, this is a trial. Others have been through it -- and have learned through it.

 

We all support you. Your friends are there for you. These things happen -- but as time passes, the meaning of it will become more and more clear to you. There is much you will learn about her and yourself from this. Trust me on this one.

[Nearwater]

Learned so far:

She is not who I thought she was

Her word is no good

Self-sabotage is common in people with bad childhoods

I am a giver, she is a taker

All the lies about wanting to stay together and caring "so so much" about me was bull

The denial about her actions clouds her mind

She has the ability to turn her back on her friends, dog, lover and family to pursue a fantasy.

She is completely capable of infidelity and can date a married man even after confronted by his wife and her friends.

Money means more to her that love and happiness

I will come out on top through this, by grieving, self-improvement and being a good person

The Ex will suffer heart-ache, sadness, loneliness and have to live with "what could have been", leaving behind a truly fine, caring, centered loving partner, after being selfishly used by a mean-spirited man parading her in front of his wife (and kids) during what will be a 1-2 year long divorce battle.

 

So forget her, right? Trying....

[Nearwater]

PS- it is indeed the hardest, the worst 3 months of my life. I am now 48 and have lost a parent, horses, dogs and more than one girlfriend, but feeling she was "the one" has sent me reeling in ways I never imagined. Giving oneself freely with only the thought of a beautiful life together forever then getting your legs kicked out from under you is tough stuff.

[spazmy]

Thought I ought to respond to some of the things mentioned by you

[Nearwater]

Brother, just got a call a few minutes ago from the wife of the guy she is with. She got a call from a friend commiserating about her pending divorce, seems this friend knew she was also she was dating this other Doc as soon as she got back from here, before she hooked up with the current one. She has been playing me but good, had me send her a bunch of stuff from her house, stringing me along. I just went and read the old emails, baby this and baby that, send me this and that, love you ect...

 

Just so effing' angry, never REALLY hated a person before. Do now!

[Zeter]

...These things happen -- but as time passes, the meaning of it will become more and more clear to you. There is much you will learn about her and yourself from this....

 

This may not be comforting now, but print this little piece of advice and stick it on the fridge door. You cannot rush wisdom, but you will have things in proper context soon enough.

 

Zeter

[Nearwater]

Like the proverbial Dumb*SS, I texted her this guys name that I found she saw in-between being with me and the other new guy. Someone she used to work with there has it in for her and is feeding me this intel. She voiced mailed first angrily that it was not true and would call the cops then called back and voice mailed she was sorry and was never coming back and I should get a dog or something to focus my love on. Just so sad.

 

How can I sit here and wonder what will happen when she comes back in the fall?

[spazmy]

Buddy, calm down. At this time, you will not see or understand the complete truth. But with time, you will understand a lot of things. Too many things are happening for you all at once. Finding out about these people in her life, telling her about it, and hearing back from her about it.

 

Calm down a bit. She is right now out of your life. Whatever else happened, is not going to change that. You want to hurt her with your messages and also show how much you know. You want to condemn her for her actions and do not want her to be happy and come back to you.

 

I can assure you, this is certainly not the way of having her back, if at all you want her back ultimately. Respect her space, her decisions and try and be strong and deal with the past. Now that enough has happened, don't stretch your boundaries and borders. Keep it strictly limited to just this much.

 

I would also say that you are not talking to people who have only your interest at heart. If they are supplying you with so much information all at once, they are possibly thinking about some of their own scores they want to settle with her, or perhaps are pained by her actions personally in some way.

 

Stop talking to these people. Try and stay calm. As time passes, you will have a lot of answers without really having to ask anybody. For now, respect her decision. And try and find something to distract yourself like work.

 

These are the difficult days -- but they will pass. It is harder when we are older, but they pass. Leave judging the lady for later. For now, take care of yourself and stop talking to people who will only give you unhappy news.

 

Cut away from her and anybody who talks about her for at least 48 hours. Calm yourself.

[Nearwater]

Thank you so much, all good words taken to heart. Work is super hard, I have a sporting goods type retail store and dealing with people presents huge challenges for me in this state. I don't even want to share the darkest thoughts I have right now.

 

Wind just gone from the sails like I have never felt.

 

The finality of this message I received is just so crushing, the thoughts of her on a houseboat for a week with him and his kids & friends is too much.

 

The absurdity of what she is doing won't leave my mind. I am going back to the therapist I went to a month or so ago to try to find better ways to deal with this.

 

What is wrong with me? Do other people get stuck like this?

Is it really just heartbreak, loss, rejection?

She even said listening to whoever is telling you this stuff is tearing you apart.

 

Has anyone ever reconciled and put a situation like this in the past? I read about people needing to lose themselves to find each other...

[istillluvu06]

Kanelio.... Heartbreak is the worst feeling in the world, like being in a dark hole with no hope of ever seeing the light again. Feeling like your guts are being torn out. Yes other people go through it, I am now. There is nothing that helps I guess but time. Keep posting on here to get out your feelings. ***HUGS***

[Nearwater]

Thanks i stillluv, this is another tough weekend. Ex is about to head out on a week long houseboat trip with the guy and his kids, minus his wife. They are still married and he is meeting up with old friends and going on this trip with his new mistress.

 

What blows me away is her acceptance of this role and that she sees nothing wrong with it. Having acted as she did/is, can anyone truly be happy with themselves? Simply to suggest I get a dog to focus my love on and to seek medical help for my grief? I sit here not wanting the sun to rise so I can stay in bed, while a thousand miles away she is doing the grocery shopping to stock the boat. Anger mixed with sadness wants to see her burned badly and come crawling.

[istillluvu06]

i am going through a 3rd break up with same guy. Just as hard as first time. Now only compounded problems that never seemed to be resolved the other times around. Had all these chances and blew it. Both of us. I think and know in my heart this is permanent. My life has been devastated emotionally and financially, like a domino effect because of all of this, And I look at him and seems he's moving on with his life ok. I don't know what he feels. Said he'd always love me but what good is that. Just hurts more.

Try not to concentrate on what she's doing it will drive you insane. Trust me been there done it and still doing it. Maybe sometimes the less we know the better. We have to heal from this, they are not going to help us heal, we have to do it ourselves. It's gonna be a long hard road. Keep posting here to vent

[spazmy]

Stay strong. These are difficult days. But as time passes, you will find peace and understanding. I know it is hard to accept things when things are really in the moment, but I assure you both, this is not the end of the world. You will be happy again, and you will find some closure from these tragic and difficult events. Take it one day at a time, one step at a time. Find, within your weeks and days, special moments where you are only thinking about yourself -- and not thinking of the other who has hurt you. Day by day, keep increasing that time-span -- and over time, you will have reached a more peaceful state -- that is when things will be so much clearer to you.

 

If you are not clear-headed, anything you do will not only hurt the other person, it will, ultimately hurt you. Breath deeply -- as deeply as possible whenever you see a weak moment coming -- and talk to a friend. Come here to enotalone and talk to us and we will all help you along. We have all been down this road, and I gaurantee you, at the end, we all find resolution of some sort in some way or the other.

 

 

Also, I highly reccomend you read Superdave's threads. His postings offer a lot of insights on both a short term basis and a long term basis.

 

take care Kanelio and Istillluveyou