When guys need their space....ugh.

[Hunny1607307342]

Hey... last time i started a thread on this website was explaining my success story of getting my ex back . this guy that im madly in love with and have been for over 2 years , we got back together 4 months ago.

we had been broken up for 6 months from october to april (the break up had happened because of persistent arguments. actually its not so much the arguments that were the problem. it was the nature of the arguments, and how much they would escalate.)

when we both got back together we were both in exactly the same place and frame of mind. so the reconciliation was great and everything was like a little fairytale for the first few weeks. we swore that we would never part again because we hold each others hearts for life etc.etc. and that we can never let each other go again. he said he could never see himself with anyone else during the whole time, that he'll be sticking around forever, whether i like it or not. it was all amazing.

Nevertheless ,surprise surprise, arguments happened- about totally different things this time.

BUT, we resolved them. we got through them.

and it was fine.

However.. the other night we had one of those massive arguments(the ones we used to have that made us break up). It began as a small tiff, but i was refusing to leave the car (he had dropped me off home) until it was sorted out. and he was asking me to leave. i was being so stubborn and i said i cant leave when things are like this between us. he practically begged me to leave but i kept getting more annoyed and wouldnt. And then after a long while of this happening, he just went crazy..he completely switched, saying that i cant possibly have unselfish love for him because i didnt listen to him and give him his space.

he said he cant see why he bothered putting so much energy into me for so much of his life if i am this selfish. i know i was acting selfish. but i truly believe that i needed to stay just as much as he wanted me to go. but he kept repeating that im killing him and its making him feel so much worse that im still there. i still wouldnt leave. God, i really regret this. I just desperately wanted to stay and make things better. but i did the opposite and made him think i dont care about his feelings. he said once he counts to three if im still not gone then we're breaking up. he counted to three. i was still there. and then he said , okay shows how much this means to you. its over. i then went hysterical. and then i definitely didnt want to leave. i needed to make him change his mind .

things went from bad to worse.

 

by this time it was 1am, raining outside and he was getting a call from home. he then said He REALLY has to go now, and if I dont let him then he'll hate me forever.

i decided to then walk away, finally.

 

i got home and i felt like i had just been in one big nightmare. it was so bad it didnt feel real. i really cant imagine going back to the life in which we were broken up. as in, i cant bare it. i worked so hard to show him that ive changed (and i have in some ways) and i cant just let all of what i worked for crumble right infront of me without being able to do anything about it. i was in complete shock. i really wished i had left the car when he asked me to.

anyway, i texted a 12 page text when i got home, explaining how sorry i was, and how i really didnt mean for things to go that far, that this cant be the end, that i'll be less stubborn in the future etc.etc.

I got no reply.

I sent another one similar to that one the next morning, and he replied an hour later saying:

' We're on a break. A very serious one. I need my space to cool down and think about things. Just dont hassle me. I really feel very numb for you right now. Maybe I'll snap out of it. Maybe not. But please stop bugging me'.

 

I then replied saying i understand etc. i wont bother him and told him to take care of himself. and then he replied saying thank you take care of yourself too.

 

And now im just freaking out, not knowing what the best thing to do is. im scared that if i leave him alone for too long, he'll get used to life without me, and think 'ah so much less stress' and then it might be a real break up again, and it could take him another 6 months like last time. if thats the case i dont know what im going to do , i'll bloody die!!! sorry this has become so long.

I really neeed some guidance on this.

I wish he would be willing to talk things through with me. i realllllly want to work things out and forget about that night. So much.

I was tempting to text him earlier today saying : its such a beautiful day and that we should work things out do you want to go for a walk late at night..?

but my friend persuaded me not to send it.

 

the thing that makes me feel sick to the stomach and dominates all my sensations is ,what if he doesnt snap out of it? he feels nothing for me right now. nothing. maybe if he sees me, that will change. but i dont want to pressure him to do something he doesnt want to as that wil definitely make things worse. i dont have to pressure him though, i can just simply make a SUGGESTION. is that a bad thing? i dont know. what am i going to do. i need to fix this. im going crrrazzy.

help help help.

thanks guys

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[spazmy]

Hey Hunny,

 

You already know the answer to that. Give him his space and carry on with life. If there is something you would have learned through the break, it must have been the ability to fill the time between responses from him.

 

Also, keep this in mind -- every time a fight like situation turns up, do breathe more deeply. With the oxygen going in, you slow down your thinking a bit -- and may end up seeing the pointlessness of reacting in the short term.

 

You are walking on eggshells -- thereforee, lot of deep breathing reccommended. One other thing, keep your diginity intact. If you want him to stick in the long run, you need to make sure that you show that you deserve to be respected. Give him space -- and come here to ENA if you have a weak moment and vent it out. Don't contact for a bit. Wait it out for at least 48 hours

[drewciouS281]

you need to respect his space. the more you bug him the more he will want nothing to do with you. If it goes past a week or two you can send him a nice text saying hellow and that you miss him or something but in the mean time respect his space.

 

One thing ive learned is when someone wants to leave you let them leave or if someone wants you to leave, leave! If you dont it really makes things worse and shows no respect. This wouldnt have happened if you didnt push his buttons and be stubborn. Im not trying to nit pick on you im just saying because i was in the same kind of relationship on and off for almost 3 years.

 

We were soul mates and then we would fight and break up, then get back together and swear to not do it again but it happened again. sometimes its just best to end it. My ex and I finally did. It was hard but we new it was for the best. Sounds like maybe you should start preparing for the worst case scenario and have the mentality that it very well could be over. You never know though. I always say, keep your faith and you never know what happens but DO NOT BE PUSHY! Respect his space and eventually he will contact you. If he said break but not the official BREAK UP. than there is still some hope.

 

You have to make sure things change on your end though if it does work out or else the real break up will follow soon after. My ex and i would promise things to change and some things did but in the end the fights still killed us. we went to counceling and everything and it just didnt cut it. sometimes two people just arent compatible.

[relm]

And now im just freaking out, not knowing what the best thing to do is. im scared that if i leave him alone for too long, he'll get used to life without me, and think 'ah so much less stress' and then it might be a real break up again, and it could take him another 6 months like last time. if thats the case i dont know what im going to do , i'll bloody die!!! sorry this has become so long.

 

How old are the two of you? This is important to know because it puts this discussion in a context. For example, how I would think of this if you were both 17 would be different than if you were both 47.

 

Regardless of the age though, I think something that seems apparent is that perhaps feelings are getting bottled up and held inside until they blow up into big fights. It is healthier to have frequent tiny fights rather than no fights until a huge one.

 

I also worry that you might be putting pressure on him due to your statements about how you'll "die" if the time apart lasts 6 months. As hard as it is to do this, you need to try to take these things more easily. More of an attitude of "whatever happens, I wish him well" because he can sense that and it's a more mature and pressure free approach.

[Hunny1607307342]

hey guys

thanks so much for your advice.

 

i'll leave it for a week then, and if ive stil heard nothing i want to send him an email. wel actualy ive already written it when i had my emotions pouring out of me yesterday. its saved on my PC. its telling him that im really serious about learning a lot from our relationship and wanting things to work out.

i really want this so much and i think i just got complacent but now i know how crazy it drives him when i behave in a certain way i'll force myself not to. i really want to stick it out and pull through this...i cant think to myself that it could be over because that is what is stopping me from living a normal life. i cant lose him again. i have to keep hope or else :S.

[Hunny1607307342]

in response to relm,

hes 20 and im 18.

 

youre right, he hates pressure..

[relm]

youre right, he hates pressure..

 

Who doesn't hate pressure? If you do contact him in a week, try to get rid of anything dealing with how badly you need him or how much you want this to work out...he knows this already, right? Maybe just reach out to him telling him about something funny that happened to you this week that he'll find amusing. Something small but 0 pressure...and no huge letter that you wrote that night!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Well, I think you already know that you messed up big time. You know when children misbehave and the parent calls a time out and makes the kid stop everything and just sit quietly alone...well, adults who are arguing also need time outs so that they can calm down and not let tempers fly out of control. By him asking you to leave, he was requesting a time out so that emotions could calm down. By refusing to leave, you were adding fuel to the fire...you were not allowing things to calm down. Had you left, both of you would have been able to calm down and you would have spoken to each other later on that evening or the next day to sort things out in a calmer fashion. If I remember from your previous posts, you were also 'in your face" needy, not giving him breathing room, always pushing him to see it your way. So really, this episode shows that deep down you are the same person you were before the break up...you haven't changed how you deal with him. This is the kind of thing you really need to work on...and I would suggest that you not contact him AT ALL. Let him come to you. You may or may not lose him, but that will be because of your actions overall, not just because you are absent and he will forget. You need to be absent from his life to show him that you are not needy and can respect his need for space.

[PDAWG]

Guys hate these conversations where you are sticking an emotional thermometer up our

asses every two minutes too talk about the relationship. Sounds like he needs some

cave time. best to leave him alone.Guys tend to shut down if you don't back off.

[nikkers04]

read the bood men are from mars women are from venus! It explains so much about the communication differences between males and females...and how females push the guys away when they want there space and are not given it...

[Hunny1607307342]

thanks for all the advice..yeah so true...i wish i had my senses switched on at the time.

 

im so freaking out.

do you think he will come back to me?

[lady00]

I do not think it is wise to contact him in a week. Let him contact you. Sometimes the most difficult thing to do in a relationship is nothing. I think it's human nature that when someone you love is pulling away there is a desire to run toward them, to think of what you can do to fix the situation, to work things out, when that's not really what they want. They just want to be left alone. Believe me, if he does not hear from you and sees that you are respecting his needs, he will come around. I wouldn't plan any contact at this stage. It sounds like he wants to have his space and then come to you when he is ready. What you wrote about wanting to contact him in a week, it is about how you are feeling and what you need, but right now you need to think of how he is feeling and what he needs, which is space and time. Let him set his own schedule. Of course you don't have to still be there when he comes around, that is your choice, but if you choose to wait, then do just that.

[Batya33]

I agree with COD - I think it might be helpful to read your former posts/threads to see what the result was when you kept in contact with him when he wanted space from you. Also, if he does contact you (no, please don't contact him in a week, the ball is in his court -if you care about him, give him space) I suggest couples counseling to work on this issue.

 

Good luck.

[Hunny1607307342]

hey guys thanks again for advice...ok, i wont contact him in a week.

i only only reason i wanted to is to tell him how things are from my perspective so he knows the fuller picture of things.

because right now, the way things ended, he must think I am so selfish and that ive shown myself to fail to love and understand him as a person.

i want to explain things to him from my side so he doesnt get the wrong idea of me, and that way it will be less likely to be completely over between us.

because it wasn't that i was being totally selfish, not caring about his feelings, i just had a very stubborn few moments in which i decided the best thing to do is to stay to work things out even if it means a rough persuasion. of course, as COD as said, it wasnt the right thing to do and completely blew up in my face.

thats all that went through my mind, but being a man hes not going to take this lightly so i wanted to explain myself for the benefit of the both of us.

i want to do it eventually, but upon reflection of all your advice i think i'll have to wait longer than i week.

but in 2 weeks from now, i am going abroad and wont be coming back until september. if i still havent heard from before i go i could text him a couple of days before i leave, just so he knows that its the last time he'll be able to contact me for about three weeks, saying that i have a lot to say to him but that he can take the opportunity to see me if he wishes to but if he still needs his time alone that ill understand.

this is really difficult..thank goodness im leaving :S

[Hunny1607307342]

am having a weak moment.

 

really really wanting to call him

 

but dont want to push his buttons

 

i just really want to know when. the not knowing is the hardest part.

 

its been 4 days now.

 

im anxious of how long im going to have to wait for him to come around.

 

originally i thought a break etc. can only last a week or two.

 

i thought maybe he might even be a little lenient and text me once in a while every few days.

 

but now im thinking

 

what if he meant a massssssssive break of many months

 

just 'breaks' dont go on for that long though do they?

 

how long do you think he needS?

 

helppppppppp xxx

[Hunny1607307342]

im beginning to think the selfish thing is becoming ridiculous. i dontthink it would be selfish of me anymore. there has to be a compromise.

he needs his space just as much as i DONT want time apart and to figure things out sooner rather than later.

me contacting him now, its not selfish anymore because im going through so much pain and anxiety. im sure i feel worse than he does right now and than he would if he read one of my texts.

theres selfish and theres self need.

why cant he understand that.

im going craazzy and i just cant stand it anymore. its killing me.

[relm]

You dont seem to be listening to anyone here nor your bf. You are focusing way too much on your needs right now and what we are saying is that won't work. You NEED to be more patient. Breaks can last awhile. Sometimes a month, sometimes longer. But the first two weeks or so are the hardest. Just promise yourself no matter how much you want to contact him, you wont do it for at least a few weeks. It isn't a matter of unfairness - it is just the way things are. I know you feel your feelings aren't being listened to or understood, but he isn't in a mode to listen right now and you aren't in a mode to really express them without letting some time go by and some emotions cool down. You are way to emotional right now to contact him and have it be anything but negative. Trust us, we've all been there before.

 

I also think its ok to focus on your needs but not in the way you are talking about doing it. Here are some good ways to focus on your needs - hang out with your friends and talk about men being jerks. Get a massage, treat yourself to a nice meal, etc...the most important way to focus on your needs is to analyze what is going on in your life that you can improve upon to better yourself. Nothing wrong with seeking a professional to help with this. I think you have an emotional need that isn't being dealt with and your trying to have your bf be the fix for it. Can you go to see a counselor to help you through this and work through your family issues? I am sorry to say this, but if you can't take care of that problem, there will be a cycle of unhealthy over-neediness on your part that romantic partners just wont last through.

 

Are you a student at a college/university? Do you have a health plan?

[Hunny1607307342]

hey...i didnt call him...didnt give into my moment of weakness.

i think it doesnt help being stuck indoors all day.

i just havent been motivated to do a single thing.

i just cant bring myself to do it. and i couldnt enjoy anything that much, especially not a nice meal. i dont feel like eating, just because im so worried and nervous that my stomach doesnt feel hunger very often. it probably is to do with the fact that i dont move either.

actually i do go to the gym once a day because im used to doing that ritually.

ive never felt so low because im so scared and anxious about what is going to happen to us.

during the long 6 month break up we went through all that time ago, it was so dreadful, i worked so hard to get him back. and we both felt like we had gone around the world and back to get back together solidily.

my fear of going back there (broken up) is probably worse than how i it even felt to BE back there.

ive never been like this....its so so so so so so soooooo dreadful. i feel so anxious and melancholy..still in shock/disbelievment that this is happening.

i really think i should try to speak to him after 2 weeks at least. a month is just a bit insane. i will go insane by then!! i dont mind a month if i know we'll get back together afterwards, but its the not knowing thats so frustrating.

i just want him to know how i think about what happened, i really want him to know it wasnt out of selfishness. it was just out of me being a typical girl and him being a typical man.

[Batya33]

"it was just out of me being a typical girl and him being a typical man"

 

I would be offended if someone "explained" their behavior in that way to me. I think if you don't want to be selfish, given him the space he has requested, and let him come to you especially if that's how you're going to explain yourself.

[Hunny1607307342]

Well i dont know maybe it is offensive but they way i see it is just toning down something so that its not made into the biggest deal so two people can move on from it.

 

i was reading men are from mars women are from venus and according to that both we BOTH make all the classic mistakes that men and women make during in argument such as the one we had. it just made me think wow this is not the worst thing in the world if it is so common. and i dont have to be accused of unloving and selfish too, i was forcing him to stay with good intentions even though it was the wrong thing to do and i wish i hadn't.

[Batya33]

Well i dont know maybe it is offensive but they way i see it is just toning down something so that its not made into the biggest deal so two people can move on from it.

 

i was reading men are from mars women are from venus and according to that both we BOTH make all the classic mistakes that men and women make during in argument such as the one we had. it just made me think wow this is not the worst thing in the world if it is so common. and i dont have to be accused of unloving and selfish too, i was forcing him to stay with good intentions even though it was the wrong thing to do and i wish i hadn't.

 

Consider it a warning sign when you have to find your answer about a specific, personal relationship situation in a book as an excuse to contact someone and chalk it up to some generic stereotype. A warning sign that you are being too needy, that is. Obviously he sees it as a big deal and wants space - don't insult him by telling him he's reacting to a stereotype. You have no idea if this is common for him - it's like a man telling a woman just because she's emotional that she must be having her period.

 

Look, it's not a crime to contact him of course - being selfish/needy in this situation is not likely to do any real damage to him. But first accept that it would be quite selfish, it would likely be insulting to him and dismissive of his wish for space and dismissive of his feelings, and that you're willing to risk driving him further away in order to get your needs met. If you accept all that, sure, go ahead and contact him. Just my humble opinion.

[Hunny1607307342]

im not going to contact him anyway- well not anytime soon. just thinking about what i am going to say to him when i DO contact him or when HE contacts me. i know its obvioulsy a big deal to him i just want to try and work things out thats all.

[dont_know_what_2_say]

im not going to contact him anyway- well not anytime soon. just thinking about what i am going to say to him when i DO contact him or when HE contacts me. i know its obvioulsy a big deal to him i just want to try and work things out thats all.

 

Do NOT contact him, if he asked you for space.

if you do it , it will seem like you don't respect his decision.

let him contact you when he's ready.

dont even think about contacting him AT ALL.

 

let time pass, if after two weeks you haven't heard from him. THEN you can send a text asking how he's doing or saying hi.

but not before.

it's wayy too early to be thinking of contact.

[Batya33]

im not going to contact him anyway- well not anytime soon. just thinking about what i am going to say to him when i DO contact him or when HE contacts me. i know its obvioulsy a big deal to him i just want to try and work things out thats all.

 

If you want to work things out you will respect him by giving him his space not by trying to impose your analysis on him.

[pumpkinmoon]

HI hunny I am very sorry to hear about this, I was just thinking about you the other day and wondering how you were getting on.

 

I know this must be extremely hard for you right now but remember that it was like when you first broke up last time. How did you act towards him during that time and what id you do that you think may have driven him further away? I'm guessing constantly contacting him and bugging him is one of them.

 

I have read lots of posts on here over the months and thinking back a lot of people have said things like, "I wish I had gone NC straight away", "I wish I hadn't begged and pleaded and I wish I would have given them space and maybe this wouldn't be happening right now".

 

Sure you didn't know all this the first time around, but now you have this knowledge of how to handle things better try to use it this time and act differently in this situation.

 

I understand what you mean about the not knowing being the hardest part. I have recently started a reconcilliation with my ex. I went through 3 months of hell and then all of a sudden he pops back into my life again. If I had known that he would come back eventually I would have been fine during those 3 months.

 

We have had one quite serious argument since we have started "seeing" each other again and it's the same sort of situation as yours. We were out one night, then I stormed off and we were arguing for hours via text. Then later we were in his car and he was tired and messed up and just wanted me to leave. I was upset and wanted him to talk but he wouldn't then after him asking me to leave twice I did. He then spent the day on his own and I did too and he came over to my house later that night to talk and it was a lot calmer.

 

I think men just get so frustrated and angry when there is something causing them stress, and if we are sat there nagging them it's only going to make it worse.

 

I understand what you mean when you say, he needs space but you want to talk about it. I have thought to myself that if I am being selfish mby not giving him time then he is being selfish by not talking to me about things when I need to. But that's just the way it goes I suppose. Maybe women are better at dealing with these issues than men are in general.