Vanesa Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 It has been awhile since I have been to this site. I found out that my husband cheated on me approx 1 year ago, and that he did this for about 4 yrs. It was an awful time, and i'm not really sure where things stand now. He told me that he ended it with the OW, but I believe that there is still contact. Now the issue that I face is that throughout this time, i have had a friend to lean on, and well let's say that this friend was always interested in more than just being friends. I have not been sexually involved with this friend, but have thought about it many times. The reason for this ofcourse is that my husband cheated on me, and for years, and secondly becuase he has not really done much to rebuild our relationship. He is still distant with me, and really does not show much interest in me sexually. I might be sounding selfish now, but I really need to feel wanted by someone and this friend of mine has been there for me during the worst of times. I really want to be with this man, but don't really know what to do. any comments would be appreciated. Link to comment
DN Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 Cheating on your husband is not the way to go - your own conscience will probably bother you. If you want someone else, then leave the marriage and then find someone - not the other way around. Link to comment
Vanesa Posted July 15, 2008 Author Share Posted July 15, 2008 Thanks, but I don;t really want this other man for long term relationship, I think just a temporary thing for selfish reasons. I know this sounds terrible, but I can't stop thinking of him in a sexual way. Link to comment
CallingAllAngels Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 Divorce you husband. Cheating with another man just compounds the nighmare that you are living. Two wrongs don't make a right. My husband cheated on me, so I know the pain you are feeling. I know how much you don't trust him. That's why I chose to divorce him. Trust takes the longest to build, is quickly destroyed, and can take a lifetime, if ever to get back. If you can't make it work with your husband, I would ask him to leave, or I would leave. You deserve better. Then you can take it to the next level with your guy friend. Good luck to you. ~Allie Link to comment
riley123 Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 I agree with DN -- don't cheat. What are your reasons for staying in the marriage? Love? Sex? Trust? Security? Has your husband provided any of those things for you? Link to comment
vwright Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 you should leave your husband...he cheated on you, the trust is broken and without trust you two dont have much of a relationship. also the fact that he is still being distant and hasn't done much to rebuild the relationship is another reason to leave him...why be with your husband if you are unhappy. if you aren't with him, then you can go to your friend, but you shouldn't engage in anything sexual with your friend until you cut ties with your husband. two wrongs don't make a right, and although it might feel good for a minute to get him back, in the end you will just feel worse... Link to comment
Whiskers Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 It's unlikely that he really does have much interest in the marriage and whatever his reasons are for staying, they aren't fair on you. If he isn't making any effort to mend the marriage and let's face it - he should be doing just a little crawling, then you're really going to have to decided whether or not you want it to work. If you do, sit him down and tell him like it is - if he doesn't take it and doesn't at least listen, then you have his answer. Have you though about whether or not you can trust him again? Because if you can't then the marriage is doomed. As for this other guy, the only way that is going to be acceptable, is if you split from your husband for good and officially...give it some time and then move on. Otherwise you will be no better than your husband...despite the details. but I really need to feel wanted by someone and this friend of mine has been there for me this is rebound. You should leave the marriage, take a few months and then reassess this situation, if he is that good of a friend and feels the same way, then he'll wait until a good time. XXXX Link to comment
Vanesa Posted July 15, 2008 Author Share Posted July 15, 2008 thanks to all for your comments. I am still with my husband because of family issues, and certainly security reasons, and the hope that one day we can rebuild. But at the same time feel alone, and undesirable now for many years, and I have the opportunity to be with someone who really wants to be with me , even if it is only sexually, but I really feel that I need this. Very awful for me to admit this, but if my husband tried with me I would not even think of cheating on him. Very frustrated right now. Link to comment
vwright Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 then you need to have a talk with your husband to try to save the marriage and your mental sanity, you dont want to feel alone and undesireable. talk to him, tell him how you feel Link to comment
Lana0120 Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 Don't cheat on your husband with this man. Get a divorce. If you can't trust your husband and he isn't treating you well (which he didn't in the past by cheating on you and he isn't now by being distant towards you), it's a sham of marriage. You deserve better than this. Get out now, give yourself some time to re-evaluate, and then consider a relationship with this other man. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 You're correct, you do have the opportunity to be with someone who wants you. But, a marriage is between two people, otherwise it's not a marriage. If you decide that you can't make your marriage work, then you need to leave before starting a new relationship. It never works when you try to have the best of both worlds. Be the bigger person, and don't sink to your husband's level by cheating. Link to comment
d24 Posted July 16, 2008 Share Posted July 16, 2008 tell him that his lack of effort has made you have these really bad thoughts, which you have to stress you're not intending to act on, and see how he reacts. if it doesn't put a rocket up his preverbial, seriously consider divorce. Link to comment
CallingAllAngels Posted July 16, 2008 Share Posted July 16, 2008 tell him that his lack of effort has made you have these really bad thoughts, which you have to stress you're not intending to act on, and see how he reacts. if it doesn't put a rocket up his preverbial, seriously consider divorce. Hmmmmm....with all due respect, I disagree with this. If he knows about her friendship with him, this will most certainly put an end to it, and right now, it is something that she values. Link to comment
d24 Posted July 16, 2008 Share Posted July 16, 2008 i'm not saying name a name, but that in general you're unhappy, and in general you're starting to think about drifting. Obviously do not mention him by name or association. Link to comment
Vanesa Posted July 16, 2008 Author Share Posted July 16, 2008 i have told my H in casual conversation, and in joking around, that maybe I should sleep with someone else, and he said yah well as long as I was careful and the other person cared about me. Link to comment
CallingAllAngels Posted July 16, 2008 Share Posted July 16, 2008 i have told my H in casual conversation, and in joking around, that maybe I should sleep with someone else, and he said yah well as long as I was careful and the other person cared about me. WOW!!!!! What a HUGE RED FLAG that you should end your marriage!!! Your husband is probably still having his affair, did you ever stop to consider that????? Link to comment
Vanesa Posted July 16, 2008 Author Share Posted July 16, 2008 of course I still question whether he has, and there are some signs that he has but I'm not really sure. I believe that there is still contact, but I don;t think that there is sexual contact. But again I do not really have any proof. I think the reason he said what he did is so that he can then somehow be excused, does that make any sense. Link to comment
CallingAllAngels Posted July 16, 2008 Share Posted July 16, 2008 of course I still question whether he has, and there are some signs that he has but I'm not really sure. I believe that there is still contact, but I don;t think that there is sexual contact. But again I do not really have any proof. I think the reason he said what he did is so that he can then somehow be excused, does that make any sense. Sure it does. If you do it, he'll be right back in the sack with his lover. But I think he already is. And if that's the case, it will SURE ease any guilt he feels, and yes, definitely "excuse" his infidelity. Link to comment
McLovin oo7 Posted July 16, 2008 Share Posted July 16, 2008 i have told my H in casual conversation, and in joking around, that maybe I should sleep with someone else, and he said yah well as long as I was careful and the other person cared about me. Sorry to say but there is nothing left in your marriage. I guess he is still cheating on you. Link to comment
FountainFairfax Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 What a mess. Don't cheat, leave your husband and then go crazy. You'll probably look back years from now and wish you had if you don't. Also, what about this other man's feelings? How is he going to take it when you tell him he's just a fling and that you're staying with your husband? Are you sure he could handle that? It's just too many chaotic variables, either stay and be faithful or leave and start fresh. Link to comment
CallingAllAngels Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 Also, what about this other man's feelings? How is he going to take it when you tell him he's just a fling and that you're staying with your husband? Are you sure he could handle that? What a great a great point that no one has yet to address. How is the other man going to take this when you sleep with him and then say goodbye? You say you value his friendship so much...did you even stop to think of the other side of the coin? Link to comment
Vanesa Posted July 17, 2008 Author Share Posted July 17, 2008 the OM is totally aware of where I stand, and we have both recongnized that it probably wouldn't work in the long run, and that we would remain friends. It is only about fun, that's it. He is not expecting anything more from me and I do not expect anything more of him. I realize that this sounds very selfish but that is what it has come down to. Link to comment
Vanesa Posted July 18, 2008 Author Share Posted July 18, 2008 I thank you all for your comments. I went through with it and it was not what I thought it would be. I realize that I still love my H, and that sex and sex alone will not help me in any way. I really wish I didn't still love my H. I am feeling guilty right now, and not really sure what to do next. Link to comment
CallingAllAngels Posted July 20, 2008 Share Posted July 20, 2008 You slept with the other guy? Are you going to tell you Husband? Link to comment
metrogirl Posted July 20, 2008 Share Posted July 20, 2008 I thank you all for your comments. I went through with it and it was not what I thought it would be. I realize that I still love my H, and that sex and sex alone will not help me in any way. I really wish I didn't still love my H. I am feeling guilty right now, and not really sure what to do next. Like so many people said you would...... Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.