My plan. Advice please...

[Bob3000]

First the background...

 

My ex, Rubiya, broke up with me two months ago, after three years together. She said she didn't feel the same about me any more. She loved me like a friend. She wanted to see who else was out there. And to try to find someone more culturally similar...

 

We did have our issues, but mainly these were outside the relationship. The cultural issue was always hanging over us: her parents would have had a hard time accepting me, and may have cut her off instead. I was having some personal problems: my dad had died, and I'd been badly hurt by my so-called friends. I hadn't sorted out my living arrangements - which also meant my previous ex was still too involved in my life. And I was needy.

 

But I was always good to her. I always went the extra mile. And I hadn't seen this coming at all.

 

So I was devastated. I got a little angry and a lot upset. We talked on and off for a few days, then I went NC.

 

Two weeks later I called her. I told her I was sorting out my issues, that I could see where I'd gone wrong and how I could do better. She said she didn't want to be talked into taking me back, but we had a good chat. I asked her not to contact me unless she wanted to talk about getting back together, and she agreed. I've been full NC ever since...

 

Now the plan...

 

In a little over a week there's an event I'm sure she'd like to go to. One that we've been to (and enjoyed) together before, and I'm not sure who else she'd go with. So I'm thinking of asking her to come with me, and showing her that I'm the best version of me ever. My hope is that, even if she doesn't fall back in love with me, then she'll at least be left with a more favourable impression than the last time we met, and may reconsider in future.

 

But I'm torn. I think I'll regret it if I don't do this. But I think that if we do get back together I'll find it very hard to feel secure in the relationship. (This was the second time she'd broken up with me.)

 

It's possible that there is someone else in her life. She has denied it, but I know that a guy that she was interested in before me, and who she stayed in touch with, became single again shortly before she broke up with me...

 

Any advice? Not just on whether or not to do it, or how to behave, but on what to do if she says "I don't think it's a good idea", "I can't make it", "I don't want to", "I'm seeing someone else", etc.

 

Thanks,

 

Bob

[Panda2008]

Hey Bob. This is a bit of a conundrum in my book. My first reaction is 'it's too soon to ask' but then maybe that's just being a chicken and actually it would be good to have a chat now and see how things lie.

 

Maybe she will come out with you, in which case you would have missed out by *not* asking her - but maybe she won't, and maybe you might get some bad news like 'I can't make it' or 'I don't think it's a good idea' or heaven forbid 'I am seeing someone else'. I think you have to weigh up the pros and cons here as to how good or bad you will feel after making that call. Will you get closure if she makes an excuse not to come? Or will that just make you feel bad?

 

I am not one to give NC advice because I never managed it myself. I do know that when I'd talk to my ex about meeting up in the future he'd get this kind of pained look on his face, which I now know was "er I don't think so as I'm seeing someone else'". EEK!

 

I think you should think long and hard about this one!

 

Hope this helps,

 

Panda

[Bob3000]

Hey Panda,

 

Thanks for the reply. I know that if I go through with this then I'm allowing myself to be hurt again - by the call, by the event, or by what comes afterwards. But feeling as I do right now, I'm not sure how much worse I could feel. Of course, this means I'm not in the best place to be able to do this (I ought to be coming from a more confident less needy place).

 

Looking back on our last phone call, I wonder if there was a bit of her that did want me to convince her to get back together with me. I'm slowly learning to speak "Rubiya" and realising she doesn't always say what she means. Maybe it's just wishful thinking...

 

But I don't think I'll ever convince her with words. I think the only way to convince her would be to stir her emotions. And maybe, just maybe, I can do that at the event...

 

Thanks,

 

Bob

[Clabs]

Hi Bob

 

It is always tough to decide what to do for the best, isn't it?

 

I think you need to sit and think long and hard about what you ultimately want to achieve by inviting her to this event. Presumably get back together with her.

 

You say that you will worry that you will find it hard to feel secure in the relationship because she has already broken up with you twice. You still have the problems with your differing religeons and on top of this you still have the massive problem with her disapproving parents. This is of course all assuming that you get back together in the first place. You asked her to only contact you if she wants to discuss getting back together and it has been all quiet from her camp so in my book it is not looking like she is wanting to get back any time soon.

 

Only you can know whether you want to stick your neck out there and invite her to this event. But I do think that if she does turn down your invitation, this will hurt you more than you perhaps imagine.

 

At the end of the day, I think you really need to question whether you can imagine being in a stable, helthy relationship with this girl because it sounds to me like all the pressures that were there before that led to the demise of your relationship are still there now.

 

Good luck mate on whatever you decide - keep us posted, yes?

 

Mark

[Mustang]

The only advice I can really give regarding having a plan is to ask yourself this: Am I prepared for the worst?

 

Trust me, I had a "plan" for ages and all it did was extend my pain. I would say things like: "In two weeks, I'm going to do this...." and EXPECT my ex to agree to meeting me. When she didn't, I'd get angry and frustrated because I'd PLANNED it for such a long time. I'd then take this out on my ex. I'd apologise to her and then work on a new plan. Repeat this a few times.

 

In my ex girlfriend's eyes my emotions are up and down like a yo-yo and I look like a pathetic human being now. I've been digging holes for so long that one day I'll end up in the Southern Hemisphere. I'm miles away from the person I was when she met me and I think she's forgotten who I really am. Her new guy is going to be himself and comfortable - why wouldn't he be? It doesn't take a genius to work out why she is with him and not me. Even though he looks like a complete idiot.

 

I digress, the point is, as I said, be careful when making plans because sometimes they don't go according to uh... plan and you can find yourself in a worse position.

[Bob3000]

Thanks for the reply, Mark.

 

Getting her back is the end goal. But the immediate goal is really just to show her who I can be, so that if she ever does reconsider she'll think of this version of me rather than the last one she saw.

 

If she turns me down, I will be hurt. But I think she will say yes (if she can) as she wants me as a friend. But I need to be able to handle the scenario if she says no. So, my feelings aside, I need to know how to make the best of a bad situation if she does say no. Should I make out that it's not important? Should I suggest that she calls me sometime (as a friend)? Should I try again in another two months? I don't want to start chasing her, as I feel that will have the opposite effect to the one I want...

 

I guess another scenario is she says "yes - but I'm seeing someone else..."

 

I don't think all of our issues are still around. But certainly many still would be. However, I do believe we can address all these issues - as long as we both want to.

 

Thanks again,

 

Bob

[Bob3000]

Thanks Mustang.

 

I think one of the key things is knowing how to react appropriately if things don't go your way - and then actually managing to do so! That's the main thing I'm trying to address. If she says no, I don't want to start trying to convince her - as that will make me look all needy again. Unless I can do it very subtlely...

 

So how do you wish you'd reacted when your plans went wrong?

[Clabs]

Hi again Bob

 

I think that if she says no then there is your answer plain and simple and you'd need to then put a lid on this and assume it is a done deal. I think that is what many people on here really struggle with - knowing when enough is enough - when to walk away - when it is finished. I know it isn't easy - and that is why people often struggle with it.

 

Just my thoughts.

 

Mark

[Bob3000]

Thanks again, but I don't think it's a simple as that.

 

I guess I see "no" as meaning "not right now" so I want to leave the best impression in case that changes in future...

[Mustang]

So how do you wish you'd reacted when your plans went wrong?

 

To be honest, I wish I hadn't made any plans whatsoever. I wish I had walked away from day one. I think if there was any chance of my ex coming back it would've been because of that. And even if not, I'd be willing to bet my life that I'd be over her and moved on by now.

 

One thing I do regret is taking out my frustrations on my ex. It wasn't so much that I was angry at her not wanting to meet - it was more that her rejecting one idea reminded me of all the hurt I'd been through up until that point and it all came out in one massive rant at her.

[Bob3000]

I wish I could have walked away from day one. I wish I could now. A couple of weeks ago I was feeling much better. But now I feel like I'm back where I started. Worse, in fact...

 

I've been trying to do all those things you're supposed to do after a break up, but they're not helping. I feel like only reconciliation can ease this pain...

[Mustang]

I wish I could have walked away from day one. I wish I could now. A couple of weeks ago I was feeling much better. But now I feel like I'm back where I started. Worse, in fact...

 

I've been trying to do all those things you're supposed to do after a break up, but they're not helping. I feel like only reconciliation can ease this pain...

 

Same as mate. The hardest thing is forcing yourself to no longer care about someone. It is impossible. No "hobbies" or "cooking classes" can speed that up. I've achieved a lot since me and my ex split. I've kept myself busy, exercised, changed my look, etc. I've also met loads of new contacts and my career is looking really exciting. My ex has noticed this but it hasn't changed anything. I still miss her and want another chance.

 

That said, it does get better mind you. I am a lot better than I was. I used to feel the way I do 24/7. Where as now, I get a day or two of feeling awful and then a few days where I really don't care. Maybe in time, the bad days will go. I don't know.

[Bob3000]

Yeah, I was having some good days and some bad days. And the gaps between the bad days seemed to be increasing. But I've been having a run of REALLY bad days for a week or so now...

[Clabs]

Hi Bob

 

I think that if you can only see reconcilliation as a way of easing your pain then you truly are setting yourself up for a lot more hurt here.

 

It is all very well having all these game plans etc but as Mustang points out - you can only make plans when both of you are in, otherwise, it is a different ball game and all bets are off.

 

I know it is hard as hell but you really need to be a bit more realistic here and accept that it really may be over this time. This may be why you are having a whole run of bad days because you are allowing yourself to become too focussed on getting back together again.

 

Mark

[Panda2008]

Yeah, I was having some good days and some bad days. And the gaps between the bad days seemed to be increasing. But I've been having a run of REALLY bad days for a week or so now...

 

How crap... but you said earlier, when you are feeling so down might not be a good time to contact her. You want her to see you are a bright, shiny new bob, not someone feeling dreadful about it all still...

[Bob3000]

Been feeling a bit better for the last couple of days after almost a week back down in the dumps.

 

One of the ways I've been trying to improve myself since the break-up is with a fitness programme. But I've been a bit slack at following it over the past couple of weeks. Today should have been the last day of the programme. So I told myself that if I had achieved what I'd set out to achieve with this programme by today, then I'd call her; and if I hadn't, then I wouldn't.

 

I exceeded my target by about 20%...

 

But I think it's still going to depend on how I feel in the moment. If I'm nervous when I pick up the phone, then I should probably put it back down again!

 

I'm reading lots about relationships. I think my objective for the evening should just be to show my best side, not to get back together. Then it's something that's more under my control. Also I think that if we were to get back together on the night, she'd have second thoughts later. Whereas if we don't, those second thoughts could act in my favour...

 

Afterwards, I'll carry on with what I've been doing: working on me, setting up the odd date with someone else, etc. - and continue to keep my distance. But I guess that'll depend on what happens, and how I feel about it.

 

Of course, that all assumes it actually goes ahead. She may still say "no" (or worse!) and I need to have responses prepared for these scenarios. Any tips here (or in terms of what I should do on the night) would still be much appreciated...

[Bob3000]

I didn't go through with it.

 

It wasn't that I wasn't feeling confident enough to do so.

It was more like I was feeling confident enough not to do so.

That and a bit of perspective - and starting to believe that an alternative future might be possible and might be a better one...

 

But if she calls me, all bets are off...

[Panda2008]

Aha I was wondering what happened in the end. Good to hear you have come out the other side anyway

[WlknCntrdiction]

I was going to suggest you don't call her but seems you didn't already, good on you

 

Just be confident in yourself to be able to move on, you'll find other people to date and other things to do that will make you happy without her. 3 years is a long time, if that time you were together for is as good as you described it then she'll be back with you soon but you shouldn't be thinking about that, get out there and have fun, and should she come back you'll be in a better frame of mind, you'll have better control over your emotions and will be confident enough to know whether you want her in your life or not.

 

Good luck mate.

[Bob3000]

Not sure if I'm regretting not doing it now. Just feeling really down today. Feeling a bit let down by some mates, so I guess that's a factor. It's all very well people saying "spend more time with your mates" but when they let you down too...

 

I still love her so much. I still can't believe this happpened. We had something that I'd never felt before, and I'm scared that I'll never feel it again. "Of course you will" you say. But why? I don't believe I ever felt quite that way about any previous girlfriends, so why should I feel that way about subsequent girlfriends?

[Clabs]

Hi Bob

 

Sorry you are feeling down mate - it sucks and i know where you are coming from. Despite your best efforts - trying to spend more time with mates etc who then make you feel let down.

 

It is only natural to feel scared that you won't feel it again. I am not going to tell you "of course you will" because nobody knows what is around the corner for us. Nobody knows who will come along.

 

For now - it is ok to feel a bit down, but you have had some good days and you will have more good days. But weekends are often worse for people. Try and get out the house - go for a walk or a run - something silly that you couldn't or wouldn't have done if you were together.

 

Keep coming back here if it helps you mate - we are all here for you.

 

Mark

[Bob3000]

Thanks Mark.

 

There's a date coming up that I know is going to be particularly difficult to handle. It's a significant date and we had plans for that day that have obviously now gone to $#!%.

 

I don't really want to spend it with friends or family. Somehow I think that doing so would remind me even more that I was supposed to be spending it with her. I need something fun to do, or some other way to spoil myself on that day, but haven't been able to come up with any idea what. Doing such things alone just feels so hollow...

[Clabs]

Hi Bob

 

I hear where you are coming from, but I think that whatever fun thing you plan will likely fall apart because you will constantly be reminding yourself what you were going to be doing.

 

I think you would be better off trying to find something so daft and mental and go with a mate so you have someone to take your mind off it. Try booking up karting or a day driving tanks and stuff like that. I found things like this a real help because it helps you to really concentate on something else.

 

It is a bit of a game - getting through these anniversaries and special days but they will pass - you will get through them. An old phrase on here is fake it till you make it and I think that has some merit here.

 

Keep yourself strong mate - try not to think to much about the what ifs cos they will fry your brain - I know! Spend your time looking forward. try to get some stuff actually booked up so that you can put them on your calendar to look forward to.

 

I also found doing stuff at mental last minute also helped - bung some stuff in the car and drive to Amsterdam - that was a mental time. But it was the stoopid last minute doing it that left no time for moping!

 

Mark

[Bob3000]

Thanks again.

 

Guess I also want to have a good answer to "what did you do on XXXX?" (or "what do you have planned for XXXX?") if it ever comes up. Because if anything's going to prompt her to get in touch, it'll be this...