Eye Contact leads to talking, phone numbers, dates.... Easy as 1, 2, 3

[SBV]

I'mThatGirl - I can see what you're getting at, but shy people just can't start talking to others. Or some can't anyway. I can have eye contact with guys, but 9 times out of 10 I can't call them over - unless I do have something really important I want to say to them or ask them, or if it's of a professional nature (I'm more confident at my job than at just random conversation making with strangers) - and if it's just a random guy then chances are I don't. I don't think putting on make-up, making yourself look better naturally takes away the shyness either. I wear lots of make-up, take ages doing my hair, but still I'm shy. It's just the way some people are. It's hard to change when it's a part of your personality. It's almost like the blood inside of you. You can't make your blood turn from red to purple, it's equally as hard for shy people to change and become more outgoing.

 

Yes, eye contact is a good starter, but it's hard for shy people to initiate conversations. Shy people are self conscious and worry that going over to someone will make them look like a freak, or that what they have to say is uninteresting. And surely if someone was that interested in US they'd make the effort first anyway!?

[Cognitive_Canine]

what do you mean "I want them to come over back at them"??? sorry, dont understand...

 

well, guys will give you that look. And I give them that look right back. Sort of like an invite. Sorry, poor sentence structure in that last post.

[Lily04]

I'm 100% the same with you on that. That's why I ran in that election - I am ambitious and thought I had a good personality, so I could win people with that. I didnt even THINK of looks until my campaign manager was like "you know what? You only have like 72 hrs left, with a whole slate running against you. You dont have time to talk policy. Just smile and be cute and target guys, frat boys, and girls who look like you, i.e. cute girls who probably don't know the difference between a Green and Blue voter k? Do it..." I honestly never saw myself in that light. It gave me a hell of a lot of confidence.....but now that it's over and I gained some weight back, I don't see myself in that same light and i'm not sure I ever will. I depend on my intelligence & personality much more. my sister's the opposite though - she'll wear miniskirts and cute shirts everywhere, whereas I feel insecure a lot of the time for that...it's also not really my 'look' anyway.

 

Wow, I feel soo much like you though! Do you live in Canada too?

[Lily04]

Yep, I 100% agree.. you know what's funny though? I never really saw myself as being "shy" except back in elementary/high school maybe. I completely got over that shyness in university and even last few years of high school... I didnt realize this was the "Shy" forum... it's not just shyness I'd say, but I am introverted and lack self-confidence in my appearance... I think that's enough. You dont have to be shy - I'm fine with talking with people and approaching people I dont know if it's of a professional/business nature. I've been a leader in various capacities, said speeches, done stuff most shy people wouldn't do. But when it comes to dating I'm just 'shy' because I'm so insecure about my appearance. That may be the case with you too...

[Cognitive_Canine]

I went from being really shy to a very outgoing person. It is hard but it is possible.

[Lily04]

well, guys will give you that look. And I give them that look right back. Sort of like an invite. Sorry, poor sentence structure in that last post.

 

hmm i dont know....what 'look' is that? i dont think guys have ever really given me a look per se... maybe im just not observant enough lol

[Cognitive_Canine]

hmm i dont know....what 'look' is that? i dont think guys have ever really given me a look per se... maybe im just not observant enough lol

 

I can always tell when a guy likes me. I guess that helps a lot.

 

It's just that vibe. Hard to explain. It's like I can feel the tension of him being vulnerable while he's sitting near me.

[Lily04]

you are so smart for 18....I think I probably lack that emotional awareness as well.

[Daligal83]

What happens when you do try to give that vibe out, but it's not working? I think I need to smile more, but I need something to smile about. Like I need to be talking to someone and then I'll smile and try to make eye contact with someone accross the room. But just being there, especially if I'm alone, yea I'd look crazy to just stand there smiling haha. The other thing is I really don't go to bars. It's not my thing, so I'm talking more about being out in the community at events and things like that.

 

Lily, I'm happy and sad that you know how I feel. I wouldn't want someone else to feel like this, even though I know it's pretty common. Depending on where in Canada you live, I'm not far haha. I live in Western New York.

[Cognitive_Canine]

you are so smart for 18....I think I probably lack that emotional awareness as well.

 

I am an uber sensitive person.

[Cognitive_Canine]

What happens when you do try to give that vibe out, but it's not working? I think I need to smile more, but I need something to smile about. Like I need to be talking to someone and then I'll smile and try to make eye contact with someone accross the room. But just being there, especially if I'm alone, yea I'd look crazy to just stand there smiling haha. The other thing is I really don't go to bars. It's not my thing, so I'm talking more about being out in the community at events and things like that.

 

Lily, I'm happy and sad that you know how I feel. I wouldn't want someone else to feel like this, even though I know it's pretty common. Depending on where in Canada you live, I'm not far haha. I live in Western New York.

 

oh, yeah, that so does happen. Like you are trying to give them all those signals. Those puppy eyes, the sweet smile, the little tone of flirt in your voice. And they are just completely clueless!

 

I just move on, usually. Either they aren't feeling it or aren't aware of their surroundings, both attributes that I don't like in a date.

 

I am a naturally smiley person. After 5 years of braces, I love to smile without pain.

[Lily04]

You know what? I just re-read this thread & realized that the girl did something I probably wouldn't have been able to do with my self-esteem. I forgot that SHE had done the initiating. Usually I wouldn't have approached the guy because I'd be like "WELL, as the GIRL, HE should approach ME."

 

I'm curious, OP, why you didn't feel this way? i.e. you said:

 

"Played a bit, looked up and that guy and his friend were nearby. Called them over and told them I had a question about the reward program we just signed up for."

 

In my head i'd be thinking, "well, I CAN do that - but so can HE. If he has enough confidence, he should be able to come up and initiate conversation. If he lacks that amount of confidence, I'm not interested anyway."

 

You didn't feel that way at all?

 

I thought about this a bit more & realized... what if, for a day or night, I pretended I was my sister? Or someone else entirely? I just look my best, and just laugh and smile and not THINK or analyze or intimidate anyone? Just be happy. I think this is the type of attitude I need to adopt. Instead of being my critical, introvertive & analytical self, I need to be more open, friendly, less intellectual and more extrovertive and happy.

 

I'm sure, then, I would be able to approach guys no problem (like my sister and probably lots of other girls) and relate to them. My issue is I can't really relate to most people as well...and when I do, sort of to maintain my pride, I'd rather THEY start talking to me, out of courtesy and confidence.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Lilly04,

 

I usually think that the guy should get his rump in gear and come see me.

 

But, I have asked out guys before. And, let me tell you, what a feeling! I loved it.

 

I am infamous among my friends for this "pizza boy" incident.

[Lily04]

Another barrier (you asked what keeps people from talking with people) is that I dont really feel a connection/vibe with most guys like you said you did with that guy you met and exchange #s with. If you don't really feel attracted to someone, why should you go chat them up? I'm not attracted to about 99.7% of all people, lol. (dont ask me how I came up with that )

 

Does anyone else feel this way? It's not necessarily shyness but lack of an emotional connection. If I had a more extrovertive personality & if my intelligence were about 10 points lower than it is, so I can relate to the average American citizen, I may be able to go chat up everyone in a grocery line. But... I'm just not interested?

[Daligal83]

For me, it's more than not being interested. It's really the fear of looking like a complete idiot. Like there are guys I'd like to talk to, even just as friends, but I'm way too intimidated to do it. I need to find something to start a conversation over and I can't do it. Which is weird, because I can do it with anyone usually. Plus they all congregate together and it's a small gym, I don't want to be looked at like I'm the weirdo. I think I'm actually more likely to feel comfortable about striking up a conversation if I'm not attracted because I don't see dating potential with the guy.

[Lily04]

That's exactly the same with me (I don't have so much difficulty strikign up a convo. with someone I don't find attractive, but with soemone I find hot, it's much more difficult.) I have a feeling this is more common than we think too! Plus, gyms are not exactly the best places to meet potential love interests I've heard.... whenever I see polls on where to NOT chat people up, gym is usually rated #1 for some reason... I don't know. It seems a social enough place to me, mainly because that's the only thing i do besides school/work lol... but maybe people dont really see it as an appropriate time for chatter.

[Lily04]

Also, I just have a bit of a problem with me - being an attractive young girl - having to "chat up" guys. I mean, why? I had this converastion with some friends.. I was at a pub for a girl friend's birthday, and her friends were all gushing about the hot waiter. On Facebook they posted a picture and were like "OMG, I was soo flirting him up but he was being so difficulty - I finally got his number!!" and it was obvious to me that they were appearing desperate. But then, as an afterthought, I wrote "oh, yeah, he was pretty cute.. not that hot or anyhing, but OK looking" and my friend (the bday girl) was like "Lily....why didn't you chat him up?? you so could haev gotten his number!!" (admittedly, I was probably the best looking girl there, but my impression was - if he wanted to chat with me, as the waiter, he could have easily done it. I'm essentially pretty & friendly - if they have enough confidence, they can do it. I mean they're a freakin' waiter... it's not like a job that doesn't involve any socializing.)

 

So I was just like "Well... I usually let the guy take the reins, that's just how I work."

 

I don't know... maybe I should change my attitude. Sure I could flirt a bit but... I generlaly leave it up to them to hit on me/buy me drinks, etc. if they want me.

[ImThatGirl]

Just got home a bit ago.... I'll read through now... or in a little while. I'm so interested to see what everyone had to say!

[ImThatGirl]

Mind you I only have a minute..

 

It seems that shyness is something that some people think can't be gotten over? What causes shyness then?

 

As far as attraction goes, one of you mentioned hair extensions and such.... Does it really take that much to be attractive? What's attractive? Only model looking girls?

 

Why did I approach him? Because he was clearly interested - and I felt like mingling. I didn't do it necessarily "hoping" for anything besides someone to chat with. I was out and practically alone (my parents were watching a concert...) I don't feel like guys "have" to approach me. Do I chase after guys? No. But - I don't expect to get free drinks or anything else... Usually just meeting people as friends...

 

There's so much more I haven't touched on I know. Aye! Have things to do...

[SBV]

It seems that shyness is something that some people think can't be gotten over? What causes shyness then?

 

I think many different factors cause shyness. It's not just one thing per se. I'm not sure what causes shyness in everyone else, the only thing I can guess at is what may have caused it in myself. I personally think I am shy because of the way I was brought up. I was an only child, so I was used to playing on my own (even though of course sometimes I did play with my cousins or friends) and being in my own company a lot. I was also brought up to be a 'good girl', I was taught at school 'don't speak to strangers', and to 'be quiet and do your work'. I think it was these things that became instilled in me. I was always the quiet, hard-working one. My dad is also pretty quiet though, so I probably got it from him too (although my mom is more outgoing). But I was always the girl that did all her work at school. I would be quiet and get all my work done and be a good student. I think that has continued in me and I'm socially like that as well as professionally. I also was used to having one good 'best friend'. I'd rather be with one good friend than be in a group of 5 or 10. To this day I think the best conversations, the best 'getting to know each other' and everything else is done one on one and not when you're in a group. The more I get to know someone the louder I become. I find when you're in a group most people talk complete, useless crap. When I'm in a group often other people talk but they talk about stuff that doesn't interest me, boring, mind-numbing, pointless stuff. I click with people who share my interests and its those people that I will open up to and get on better with.

[Daligal83]

Why did I approach him? Because he was clearly interested - and I felt like mingling.

 

That's the thing, you got the sign that he was interested in chatting. If I got that signal, I'd be more comfortable too. It's easier to start a random conversation with someone who is clearly interested in reciprocating. But the shyness issue comes in when you're NOT getting that clear signal. There's not much motivation to start a conversation if you're not sure it's wanted.

 

It also gets confusing with certain guys. I posted this in another thread, but there was a time I was *gasp* at a bar recently and had eye contact going on with this one guy. He ended up next to myself and my friends, one of which was kinda buzzed and the other was completely drunk. I was completely sober. So while he was making eye contact with me, he proceeded to talk to the extremely drunk girl. So how does this make me want to start a random conversation with a guy, even in some cases when there IS eye contact?

[EQD]

i'm shy because i am undersocialized AND i get rejected... but i can get over my shyness and be completely out there and bold with people too. depends on how my day has been going.

[SchecterGuy]

Sometimes I think it is all a matter of luck and numbers. My ex has really bad acne and is about 5'9" and 160+ lbs. To be honest even when I met her I probably never would have picked her out of a crowd as someone to meet. She was far from confident. The thing is she has no trouble getting guys. She is very shy so I would never see her approaching anyone. She was always open when she was approached though. Within a matter of two weeks she had two guys approach her and get her number. I think in California there is kind of a shortage of woman so guys are more aggressive. So if you are lucky or a minority (gender wise) then you should be good.

[Lily04]

Well I didn't want to be mean, but I don't think the OP is all that attractive. It's hard to tell from her pic, but she looks OK/average to me... should girls like that be approached all the time or something? And keep in mind that the guys didn't approach HER - she did the work in approaching them. I find even attractive girls don't get approached or hit on all that much... myself included. Even when I was like model beautiful, I wouldn't get approached in bars/clubs, so I eventually quit that scene, it wasn't my thing. I think it probably has more to do with men feeling a CONNECTION with you more than attractiveness. i.e. if you guys just "click" subconsciously. I don't see why people assume the OP is hot, either... hmm.

[ImThatGirl]

Well I didn't want to be mean, but I don't think the OP is all that attractive. It's hard to tell from her pic, but she looks OK/average to me... should girls like that be approached all the time or something? And keep in mind that the guys didn't approach HER - she did the work in approaching them. I find even attractive girls don't get approached or hit on all that much... myself included. Even when I was like model beautiful, I wouldn't get approached in bars/clubs, so I eventually quit that scene, it wasn't my thing. I think it probably has more to do with men feeling a CONNECTION with you more than attractiveness. i.e. if you guys just "click" subconsciously. I don't see why people assume the OP is hot, either... hmm.

 

Lily, I find it odd that you constantly mention that I'm not attractive. It doesn't matter really whether I am or not nor am I offended of your need to state this.

 

I just think it says much about you.

 

Also - just wanted to say - yes, I approached this guy. But, that doesn't mean that I don't ever get approached. I do and often. Maybe it's just because I am highly friendly and approachable... Maybe it's that I have good communication skills. Maybe it's because I am open minded, sweet, and non-judgemental of people and that I don't feel like everyone should come to me...

 

Wow.