dating without sex and possibility of marriage?

[LAYAAN]

Hello all,

I've recently joined dating world with an intention to get married. I come from a conservative culture, I'm 28, bright in academics, never married, no kids. I'm wondering if it is possible to date a decent guy that is dating with the same intention but never sleep with him until marriage or that is just too much to expect? I'm not interested in sleeping with a guy before marriage. So, this brings me to another issue: will a guy run away in other direction once he knows that I'm still virgin? What is a direct but non-threatening way to say 'no sex before marriage' to him? and when? I'm thinking of saying this on a 3rd date. The reason I want to make it clear soon is because I don't want a guy to feel that I wasted his time. I also don't want him to wine n dine me until we cross 5th date.

Guys, your input is valued and needed.

Thank you for your time and attention.

[shikashika]

well, it's not very common today, but of course it exists. I've read many posts on this board from people who prefer virgins or want to wait until they get married, so there appears to be no shortage.

 

I personally dont' know any people who are willing to do this, and it's most definitely not for me, but i'm sure there are people out there who will wait

 

I hope you find what you're looking for!

[Munkie]

I once dated a girl with the same value as yours. Yes, you should be up front and honest with the person as soon as you feel comfortable to do so. If the guy loves you and respect you, he will wait. However, it won’t be easy. I can tell you this, you will bump into some jerks that will say and do anything in the beginning to make you believe they respect you but in back of their mind thinking some how they will make you change your mind. Just make sure you are firm and set the boundaries early so leave no room for maybes. I’ve seen it worked before. You just need to find the right guy. Good luck.

[MD Geist]

You know I wish I could date a woman like you.

 

I wouldn't run away if she is a virgin either cause iam also a virgin and believe in the same views of waiting till marriage to have sex. I wouldn't even kiss her for a very long time maybe couple of months or even years. If she's willing to wait alittle longer and perhaps grow and develop together I would defanately be committed to a relationship like that.

 

I would certainly find it more attractive that she is going to make me work towarrds it than to give it up so easly.

[Imprecision]

Many guys, including myself, prefer women with traditional values. I doubt you'll run into problems, but you should inform the guy by the third date.

[thejigsup]

Don't you enjoy sex? I knew two girls who did this and found out they hated sex after marriage. They divorced. I knew some girls who wanted sex very much but believed it only belonged in marriage. Mixed results. Some never liked sex and some loved it. If you are waiting because you know you will like sex but want it to be in marriage, stick to your guns. You are waiting for a valid reason. If you don't have sexual feelings, please let the guy know this is your reason.

[Jayar]

I have to go against the grain here and say while it's a very noble thing, personally outside of a church group you'll have trouble finding it. I'm 25, and I would have a serious concern about dating a guy who wasn't at least marginally experienced. I wish you the best of luck, but you'll have the best luck with religious groups.

[BetterKarma]

I think if you date men with the same conservative cultural background, then you wouldn't have a problem. However, if you date someone outside of that, you might get a few funny looks but if the person really loves you and is mature enough, then he'll wait.

[ghost69]

be up front when the topic comes up.

 

but you will have a tough time finding a guy accepting of this.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

You need to try to date without your own culture or group that has the same values. So try to meet guys at your church or other social group with the same values.

 

Depending on where you live, most people will not wait until marriage to have sex. It is just part of their value system, and they may fear that the problem is the person is sexually repressed or not want to make that big a commitment to someone they may not be sexually compatible with.

 

So i see nothing wrong with being totally up front, even if you are just talking with someone up front and tell them your reasons for wanting to stay a virgin til marriage. If that doesn't bother them then fine.

[GettingBetter]

I'm another guy who would really value that in a girl, as I'm likewise more traditional.

 

Regarding where to meet people like this: I am religious although I don't go to church. Most of my friends who feel similarly about abstinence, et cetera, do belong to churches, however. Probably the most difficult thing will be finding a guy like that, but I assure you they're out there, and please don't give up.

 

Also, one last thing: Now, I'm still young (20), but like MD Geist I tend to take things very slowly. It's been a problem for me, but I usually don't even try to kiss a girl until at least date five. Usually I try to kindle a good friendship first and let the relationship build on top of that. But either way, I take things very slow. So, if the more traditional guys take things slow, you might want to save the talk about abstinence until later with them. But, that's just an inkling I have, and you really need a second opinion.

[LAYAAN]

Hello all,

Thank you for your feedback. I appreciate it.

Some of you have said that if the guy loves you he will respect that. But feeling attached to someone is a long, time-taking process and I don't want the guy to invest his emotions in me thinking that "okay, I really like this girl. Now next step is to sleep with her." and there he gets it from me "no sex before marriage" Won't he feel cheated then? I've heard that guys are expecting to sleep with the girl by the 3rd date. Then he might also feel that something is wrong with him that I brought this up now and I am just using this reason as an excuse to avoid hurting his feelings/ego. So then should I just make it clear on our 1st date itself? I kinda think that that's too early. But I don't know what to do.

Thank you again for your input. I really appreciate it.

[MD Geist]

be up front when the topic comes up.

 

but you will have a tough time finding a guy accepting of this.

 

If she's looking in the club for a soul mate.

[teknoise]

Choosing not include that portion of a relationship until marriage is going to be a deal breaker to a lot of people. The honest thing to do would be to work it into conversation as soon as possible.

 

I see no reason why it can't even be worked into the first date. Don't come right out and say it, but if you happen to be on the topic of your background, mention the conservative upbringing, how you value that upbringing and plan to live life under those ethics and carry those ethics into your relationships. Work into conversation how those ethics include abstaining from sex. Be subtle about it so that it doesn't come accross as you trying to flaunt your ethics or set up rules. He'll hear it, and make a decision whether to continue to date you accordingly.

[PulsarSpin]

I commend you on your values. Stay true to YOURSELF and you will never regret it. What you seek is possible. Not easy, but possible. Nothing worth doing is easy. If sex is a deal breaker, then keep looking. He's out there somewhere.

Best of luck !

[madmarten]

Tinu,

Hmm, this a very challenging question you have posited here. I typically do not like the advice of “just wait until the right guy or girl who accepts you for you comes along”.

 

I am in or was recently in a similar situation to your own. I have advice a little different than people applauding your values and telling you to stick to your guns.

 

Bestrongbehappy made a good post, a lot of men will be concerned there is the possibility that you have problems with sex, that you don’t like it. What amplifies this concern dramatically (exponentially, in truth) is your age. There are horror stories of people getting married and then one partner finding the other not liking sex. What man would marry a women not knowing if she liked sex? This concern doesn’t make men monsters or anything, and in fact you’ll find many deeply conservative and religious men with the same concern. Men have a real risk and real pressure in this scenario too, keep that in mind. This is one of the problems with being and older virgin. It is not just the lack of experience, but people will think you have real hang-ups about it.

 

I recently lost my virginity at the ripe old age of 30. So keep in mind there is always hope. What I didn’t mention in another thread was that my gf was also a virgin. While I was not a virgin because I held some great conviction to wait until I was married, I did want to lose it to someone I was in a relationship with and whom I cared about. Now our relationship has grown and I believe I have found a soulmate, someone I want to be with for the rest of my life. However we had major issue come up that she has received a job offer in another city and I still have one year of graduate school left. We have decided to continue our relationship even though she will accept the job. I would not have agreed to do this if our relationship had not become sexual and I was not satisfied with it. Otherwise the relationship, more than likely would have ended. (I am a wrong for thinking this way?)

 

I am conservative Christian myself btw, and I wondered if I should wait until I was married. Personally I think that while sex before marriage is still a sin, it is a small sin on par with drinking too much, or taking the Lord’s name in vain. It could be argued it is less of a sin than looking at porn even. I am told I am a sinner every time in church, so why withhold having sex with a person I love. (looks around for storm clouds and impending lightning bolt). To get really deep into it, I think waiting until marriage made much more sense in biblical times when people got married in their teens, but is far less practical and more difficult nowadays when people don’t get married until there late twenties. Again that doesn’t make it morally right, but it does mean something. And also think of all of the pressure that would be on you and your SO on your wedding night. Talk about performance anxiety.

 

Anyway, I hope I didn’t bore you to death.

You seem really convicted in your position and I wish you luck in whatever you decide. Just keep a few things I mind. Conservative, religious men, like most men, still probably have high sex drives. Also getting married to a decent guy who shares your values but maybe doesn’t want to wait is probably better than riding your high moral horse around, alone.

 

I know Eharmony has a specific question in your profile that you can specify you prefer to wait until marriage. As to when to say in the more conventional dating process, I am not sure. I guess almost right away, because it will only work if you share the same deep convictions.

 

Feel free to ask me questions, you can PM me as well.

 

MM

[imsoalive]

sorry so long..

 

I suppose it would depend on what culture we're talking about. I guess you need to define YOUR "convservative" for us. Some are waaay more conservative than others, and their family trees(fruit if, you will) reflect that. Some let certain "rules" slide, while others, if you break one, you're an outcast..sad but true.

 

Aside from the fact that it's alot riskier in the world than it used to be, you have to think about WHY you've held on to the decision to "hold out". Is it because you think you'll be damned to hell, purgutory(take your pick), etc. due to your upbringing, or because you're scared of losing it to someone who you MAY NOT end up w/ for the rest of your life?

 

Look at it this way(religiously)..God forgives sin, so that one is taken care of(sort of). Sin is sin in his eyes anyway, so having sex b4 the big "I do", is no diff than cursing, gossiping, murder, lying...the effects just carry diff weights and they all take away something that you cant get back..time.

 

Im no preacher, just throwing a diff angle in the mix(started having sex at 12). Seeing that being a virgin is a big deal to you, if you do find someone that is also a virgin,and shares at least SOME of your values, at least wait till ya'll are planning the wedding, and shopping for rings, lol..

 

By then, you'll know ya'll are commited to each other, and he's had to sit with you(BORED) looking at wedding decorations Trust me I've been there...DURING THE PLAYOFFS!!

[ghost69]

If she's looking in the club for a soul mate.

 

are you kidding? why does everyone say bars and clubs are no-nos? like good people never go out. sure there is a lot of crap out there though.

[Abadabbadoo]

Don't you enjoy sex? I knew two girls who did this and found out they hated sex after marriage.

 

Wow - lesbians who do abstinence? We've come a long way, baby. Not that any group should have to prove the right to marry, but this should satisfy even staunch evangelicals. As long as both weren't into it, wasn't it OK? Or did they decide they were into men after all?

 

In my case, it turned out that the gentleman I married wasn't all that into it. The hugs and snuggling that had been OK pre-wedding were suddenly not OK b/c he felt pressured. He wasn't gay, just had a low drive and it was pretty much last on his list. (I now suspect physical abuse by an aunt in addition to emotional abuse by his mother. This was stuff I had no cause to question before marriage.) So if a man not in your ethnic/cultural/religious group quickly acquiesces on waiting, please do try to ascertain WHY he's so content to wait.

 

 

I've heard that guys are expecting to sleep with the girl by the 3rd date.

Well, people don't go from looking at each other accross the table for 3 days and then just hightail it back to his place. I don't know who operates on this 3-date thing - college kids? Or internet? Coffee -- dinner & movie -- takeout & DVD = :sleeping: But I'm not in the U.S. at present, so I'm out of touch. And we've recently heard that in the U.K. they don't do exclusivity yet have DTR (define the relationship) talks before the second booty call. So I'm completely confused.

 

 

So then should I just make it clear on our 1st date itself? I kinda think that that's too early.

Not necessarily too early. It might be too late, if hour-long drives are involved. Someone mentioned dating w/in your ethnic/religious/cultural group so that guidelines are understood ahead of time. Though, depending on context, a guy who's been living in the U.S. for a while might have more experience under his belt than you'll be willing to accept.

 

OTOH, if I met someone and things clicked, and they had a reason for waiting that didn't flash red flags, even I would be willing to wait. Wow, scary thought.

 

Overall I don't believe this really restricts you much. I think it just clarifies things earlier. Don't let horror stories like mine put you off, just keep your eyes open and be aware that apparent nice-ness can be covering untreated trauma or simple aversion.

[redtan]

I wouldn't even kiss her for a very long time maybe couple of months or even years.

 

Dating someone for years w.o even as much as kissing them...