Always Trust your gut

[confusedmama]

I knew there was something fishy about the Guardian Ad Litem going to the ex's house and not coming to mine!! Found out yeterday that the ex is planning to fight for custody of the boys. He wants the arrangement of the boys are with him EVERY Mon-Thurs and with me Fri-Mon morning every week.

 

So now between crying jags I have had to gear up and buckle down for what may be the most important fight of my life-and theirs. I've had to call Drs, teachers, friends, had to pay BIG $$$ for the therapist to be on hand for the court date next week ($$ I don't have). My stomach hurts, I can't eat, sleep, focus or stop shaking.

 

Why-when I'm the one who takes care of all the "stuff" that makes up my childrens life-am I the one who has to defend my ability to parent??? I'm scared and confused. I want to run and hide, not stand up and fight. I feel like I've been fighting for forever-I'm soooo tired.

[ImThatGirl]

When is court?

[confusedmama]

Next Wednesday at 1:30. An entire week to feel this way. Yippee

[Supa_gurl]

pray pray pray and when you can't pray no more....PRAY again. That's my answer to alot of the curve balls life throws at me. I will be praying for ya too. I know alot of people on ENA are not religious so I hope I don't offend you.

[Whiskers]

Hmmm, you are technically only fighting to defend yourself because he put forward the motion for custody.

For the most part, the mother usually wins.

Though you share equal custody at the moment, would I be right in assuming that you could technically be considered the main carer?

I'm not sure what the law is like in America but in England it mostly boils down to the main carer...the organiser, the positive force...the one around more.

XXXX

[confusedmama]

Aliimom-praying is always at the top of my list-thanks I'll need all i can get.

 

Whiskers- I used to think that the main caregiver would win also. Yes, I'm the one who goes for Dr's. visits, sporting events, meeting with teachers. I'm the one who buys the clothes, shoes, get the haircuts, gets the stains out of the favorite shirt. I'm the one called when something has to be done, the dependable one.

We don't have equal custody at the moment-we have joint custody with the primary physical aspect given to me. Because of his increase in salary, his CS will go up unless he can win this case. He doesn't want his children-he wants to pay less money. They are with him this week for "vacation"-he is working, they are home alone, some vacation.

[Whiskers]

Well with all that behind you - and no doubt proof of it, I believe your chances are better...not to mention his job.

He might have the money but you have the flexibility and time.

I do hope that the judge sees him for what he is. I worked in a family law solicitors and I've seen alsorts of horrors but from what you say, you've got a lot on you side.

Take deep breaths, eat the occasional small something (force it down!) and if you can't sleep try to nap.

Keep your mind sharp.

Good luck

XXXX

[ImThatGirl]

Aliimom-praying is always at the top of my list-thanks I'll need all i can get.

 

Whiskers- I used to think that the main caregiver would win also. Yes, I'm the one who goes for Dr's. visits, sporting events, meeting with teachers. I'm the one who buys the clothes, shoes, get the haircuts, gets the stains out of the favorite shirt. I'm the one called when something has to be done, the dependable one.

We don't have equal custody at the moment-we have joint custody with the primary physical aspect given to me. Because of his increase in salary, his CS will go up unless he can win this case. He doesn't want his children-he wants to pay less money. They are with him this week for "vacation"-he is working, they are home alone, some vacation.

 

I think one thing you need to look closely at proving is:

 

That you are a great parent and why. Rather than why he is not a good parent.

 

What's your attorney saying?

 

Still think it's too late to go to court and tell them you aren't concerned about the money? If all he cares about is money and not time with the kids, then he should back down.

 

How old are they again? (I'll scroll through to see.) Where would they be at during the summer if they were home with you?

 

I think I've said before that I can't imagine going through court fighting for custody. Not because I think I'm not capable but that's just too much risk. I choose my battles with my kids fathers. We have great co-parenting relationships. Do I look some things over? For sure (ex child support should have been doubled three years ago for my daughter... I never went back for that.)

[confusedmama]

He won't back down now. he feels he is right (he always feels he is right). I wouldn't have gone back for support either if he hadn't pulled me back into court, but I figured hey if o've got to be there-might as well get it.

 

As a HS athletic trainer, I'm home for about 5 weeks in the summer (I come & go for a few hours at work every once in a while) so when I have the kids they are with me. We swim, go on day trips, bike, etc.... I do work some camps-but only so they can attend for free. They get to sleep late and do all the summer things I remember enjoying as a child.

 

I can't prove he is a bad parent. I don't have the time or the resources. I know I have to make myself look good, I'm just extremely that I seem to have to prove this over and over and over again-while he doesn't.

 

My attorney is saying "Get ready to fight", the GaL will not return my calls and I just plunked over $600 to get the therapist-is it any wonder I can't get anything accomplished

[thejigsup]

It will not end until the children have reached the age of maturity, which is eighteen in most states. It doesn't matter what goes down in court on that day, these things take time to settle, and then there is the opportunity to appeal until the children are adults. My bf has had custody cases going on for over ten years. He thinks this hurts the kids and doesn't like it when these things drag on, but when one ex is determined to keep fighting, it can go on for many years. I would advise you to get a second job. If he has involved the GAL in his case, WATCH OUT! They carry a lot of weight with judges. Fight back! No matter what the cost, these are your kids.

[confusedmama]

He didn't get the GaL involved I did becasue he wanted to supeona the boys to come to court (sounds like he has the best interests of the children-right). I'm extrememly frustrated with the GaL because he won't return my calls and hasn't set up a home visit with me before court. SHouldn't he at least make it seem fair? Maybe I'm too stressed to think straight.

[just M.E.]

Maybe the GAL doesn't need to make a home visit to you because it is obvious you are a quality caregiver. Take some deep breathes, getting too wound up will work against you.

 

Stay calm and collected like the high quality Mom that you are.

 

Do not, and I repeat, do not get out of control emotionally in this, that might be seen as unstable and I'm guessing that is what he wants. As mothers we are fiercely protective.

 

Keep a log of the times your children are left alone when your ex is working. compare it to the time you give. Use every logical weapon you can, but stay in emotional control. You are the Mother, as such you are the primary caregiver. Log your time with the responsibilities, doctors appointments, school conferences, etc. Write it down, create a spreadsheet. Facts will speak for themselves.

 

He is trying to rattle you, don't let that happen.

[musashi]

I symapthize. Having the courts involved in family matters makes my stomach turn. They actually gave temporary custody of my boy to my exes mother! My ex does not want anything to do with the child and is incapable of raising him but since my ex and her mother live together, they gave temporary custody of my son to the grandmother instead of me! I was totally dumbfounded. We have been fighting this for over a year and a half now. I have spent nearly $10,000 on this mess and it makes no sense whatsoever. My ex said right in court that she does not want to take care of my son. Why would the court give temporary custody to the grandmother and not me? Even my lawyer said that was unexpected and he has never seen anything like that before. I am perfectly capable of raising him. I get him four days out every two weeks and we have an outstanding bond.

 

The next court date is July 9th but it will probably get postponed, again, because they keep coming up with outlandish claims to postpone. I have been accused of doing drugs and had to take a drug test right then and there in court which came back 15 minutes later negative. I have been accused of being involved in organized crime and they even accused me of owning link removed. The GAL in this case is totally on their side - she is a lesbian and appears to hate men. The court system is a complete failure, if you ask me, and they claim to have the "best interest of the child" in mind when they make these decisions but I have not seen that as the case. Far from it. It all appears to be a big money making scam.

[joed]

praying for ya too. I know alot of people on ENA are not religious so I hope I don't offend you.

 

You don't need to be religious to pray. Think of it as sending out positive thought energy into the universe.

 

 

I hope it all works out for you, I really do. I come from a 'broken home' myself and you always bear the scars. Why do 'grown ups' always screw up the kids in these messes? I wonder if your ex stops to think what your children are learning from all this!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I know this is upsetting for you, but try to remember that the children are his children too. If you come off as trying to keep them away from their father when the father is NOT abusing them, it can make you look selfish and not in the best interest of the children because you are trying to keep them away from their father or keep total control of the children.

 

Aiming your anger at the GaL is also not appropriate, because they can take that as a sign that you are not interested in the best interests of the children, and are rather more interested in just winning or keeping the children more so you can get more money out of your ex.

 

You need to stay calm, and reasonable. If you are having trouble doing that, then consider counseling for yourself to help you deal with the stress.

[thejigsup]

Good advice. Really, really, really, suck up to the GAL. If you do nothing else, do that. They have a lot of power and generally have the judge's ear. In California, we call them Minor's Counsel, not GAL, but I know who you are talking about. Be careful, smart, and patient.

[confusedmama]

Thanks for all the advise. Court is tomorrow and I am a nervous wreck!! The GaL FINALLY returned my call yesterday and we are now playing phone tag. I know he has alot to do and this case isn't as omportant to him as it is to me but it still bugs me that 2 days before we go to court is when he calls " to see if there is anything we need to discuss".

 

I am really NOT trying to keep my children from their father but would like to have a schedule that works, I have never said that he couldn't see them-but I do ask for advance notice as we have an extremely busy life and schedule and with 3 kids I have to have some type of planning. He accuses me of not allowing them to see him because I don't give in to his demands or whims. This strength has actually come from years of counselling.

 

I am trying to be professional and polite in all aspects. I'm just struggling with the same ole crap from him and now the courts that I struggled with throughout the 15 year marriage.

 

I'll trade GaL with you Musashi-mine seems to think that as a mom I need to be able to work, fight in court and stay home & make cookies for after school snack while the ex -"is working hard and tries to make time for his children"

[thejigsup]

Women most often get custody because the courts think we can really do all of that! Amazing!

[confusedmama]

Well the fact that he "works hard and tries to make time for his children" worked again! I feel like I was totally screwed by the system once more.

 

Summer schedule is back to every other week, even though I'm home for 6 weeks and he works, they slammed me for working. I end up working until about 9 once a week and now-even though the boys have been with me at work since they were born-it is too late for them to be out and on those nights I have to work past 6pm they are to spend the night at his house. This AFTER it was determined that the weeknight overnights were detremintal to the boys academic performance.

 

Because of the visitation changes my CS dropped by almost $200. Can't make ends meet now, can't imagine what will happen next month.

 

I feel damned if I do & damned if I don't. It seems that they expect me to quit my job (that I went to college to do) and take a pay cut, but the increase in CS wouldn't cover the pay cut.

[thejigsup]

Learn how to play the system. You can't win anything if you don't. It will cost some bucks, but it will be worth it. Pick up a part-time job to cover expenses. Many divorced moms have two and three jobs. It sucks but that is what they have to do. Remember, learn how to play this game.