Girlfriend accused me of going to a hooker

[coffeeguy]

Hello, I am new here.

 

A little bit about me, I have been married twice, my first wife cheated on me twice and the entire relationship was toxic, she was very jealous, and after she cheated on me the first time so was I, the trust was gone, we tried to make it work but in the end it didn't work out.

 

I have never cheated on anyone, I always believed if it got that bad, then why stick around anyway.

 

My current wife and I have been married for two years, together for 9, we have three kids from previous relationships.

Our sex life is slow, not on my part, I am 34 and still feel like 16, I have have never said no to sex and enjoy foreplay and cuddling, I would like more sex but it is not an issue.

 

We have always had a very trusting relationship, I go way on an annual guys trip to Vegas, she has a girls trip. She has never shown a jealous side, nor have I.

 

The other night I went out at 11pm at night, to check things at my business, not unusual at all, I was gone 30mins she was sleeping at the time, but I came straight to bed when I got home.

 

I had left $40 in my vehicle in the ashtray, again not unusual, I had also thrown garbage from the front of the vehicle into the back seat, again not unusual, ( we have argued about that before)

 

She came to me the next day and said she had a feeling I was out crusing for hookers, I thought she was kidding. She wasn't I asked her why, all she could come up with was it was odd about the money and the garbage. I explained how hurt I was, she apologized half heartedly and then left for work.

 

I drive a company vehicle with my companies name address and phone number plastered all over it.

 

Anyway, she was not able to or wouldn't give me a reason why she thought that.

 

It really hurts me to think someone I love thinks that lowly of me. Not that I would cheat but that I would cheat with a hooker none the less.

 

I have been through the pain of an untrusting spouse and don't want to go through that again, but I don't know if I can stay with a person that thinks I am the kind of person who would go to a hooker for sex.

 

Lost and confused.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Well, I don't really think there is much of a difference between being accused of having another woman or being accused of going to a hooker...the bottom line is the same...you are being accused of infidelity. Something tells me there is quite a bit amiss with your marriage and perhaps the two of you need to talk about your relationship in general...then maybe you will get to the root of the reason why she accused you of cheating.

[AmIafool]

Do you think she might be secretly freaking over your annual trips to Vegas? Early in my relationship, my Bf went away for a bachelor party weekend in Vegas. He tells me he doesn't go to strip clubs, but part of me strongly suspects he's lying about that. He may well be telling the truth, but the whole guys alone in Vegas thing really spooks me. It's scary because prostitution is legal there. I know rationally he wouldn't do something like that, but that deep, dark fear lurks in the back of my mind. Similarly, your girlfriend might have some deep, dark fears that the Vegas thing is all about strippers and/or escorts. Not fair to you, but just something to think about... she may have been having a moment where she freaked and convinced herself you were out looking for hookers. My own mind does some twisted, paranoid things like that (although I never make out of the blue accusations). It's completely irrational. I think you should bring this up and assure her you're not this kind of guy. Let her know you're hurt that she has such a low opinion of you that she thinks you're capable of this. This kind of paranoia can eventually ruin the relationship.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

She is convicting you on circumstantial evidence here... thinking (wrongly), aha, he went out really late, he must keep cash up front to pay the hookers who get in the front seat to give him a b.j., so he throws the trash in the back seat!

 

This is silly, but she must be WORRIED that you are cheating, and looking at any signs she can possible think of that might indicate you are doing it.

 

Has your sex life dropped off (showing less interest in her)? Has she been cheated on in the past by someone who used hookers? I'd try to ask her calmly why she is worried that you might cheat... and if there is something else bothering her you need to address....

[melrich]

and if there is something else bothering her you need to address....

 

I agree. I think you should use this as an excuse to "open up" the conversation about your marriage and how she is feeling.

[catwalk]

Sounds to ME like her friends/co-workers/others have interjected here & put this little birdy in her brain!

 

I know every time I have a thought about something and discuss it, there will always be someone that makes me go 'hmmmmm' & question my own logic! Afterwards I feel silly for thinking it, but sometimes it comes out before it's too late. I trust my spouse completely and am not jealous either, but once and awhile, well you know!

 

That's my addition here, hope it makes sense! Often we don't think about our actions, mostly because we aren't doing anything wrong, but others may see it differently.

[coffeeguy]

I don't think it is the Vegas issue, I have been going for 8 years, she has been going for 5, I have always been very open and honest with her, while others I go with won't tell their spouses a thing, honesty has always been a huge factor with me. If I did it I admit it and deal with it, I teach my kids the same thing.

 

I agree there must be some underlying factor, but she doesn't seem to want to talk about it, or admit it. I find myself comparing her and this situation to that of my ex wife, who accused me of cheating because she felt guilty for cheating herself.

 

Cheating is cheating hooker or not, but I personally believe it takes a certain kind of person to go to a hooker, and my personal opinion is someone who can pay for sex is pretty low, my wife knows my opinion and still that was the first thing she came up with when I leave $$ and move garbage

 

It really hurt and cut deep that was her first thought of me.

[alto929]

does she know a lot about your ex wife and the issues that led to your marriage breaking up? you sound like you're really into honesty so I would think that you probably have told her. i would definitely tell her what you're telling us...you are very honest and you would never cheat because you know exactly what it's like to be cheated on.

 

I totally agree about the whole coworkers/friends interjecting. That's how I became jealous in the first place. People told me to watch out for my boyfriend and one of his good friends...it totally sent me on a spiral into jealousy that i'm still in.

 

I think it is imperative that she talk to you about this because otherwise you're left thinking: this is going to be just like my ex wife when maybe its not. I feel like she really needs to understand that it was just a series of unfortunate circumstances that look really bad but really were just you doing your job.

 

Also, if she knows your feelings on hookers and the people who use them, I feel like it is fair to address the passive aggressiveness in that loaded statement...but I do agree that this is an avenue for opening the floor to discuss issues...perhaps she has had jealousy issues in former relationships that are causing her to act this way?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Well, I don't think paying for sex is lower than cheating with someone who is giving the sex for free. People buy all kinds of things...in fact, one can actually say that a person who embarks on a freebee affair is actually worse because not only are they cheating, but they are also trying to get it for free...they are cheapskates!

[coffeeguy]

all I can say is how it makes me feel.

 

I tried to talk to her and ask her why she felt this way. It has now been turned around on me. I am in the wrong for feeling hurt by this and it was a natural thing for her to have come to this conclusion

 

"I mentioned it to you because I was looking to be reasured that that I was off base. I wasn't accusing I was stating a feeling that I had and I was looking to have a conversation that would aleviate my sudden worry."

"I jumped to a conclusion out of stress and reached out to you, as my partner, to discuss it and clear it up. "

 

I told her if I found a knife and duck tape in the van I wouldn't say oh my god she is out to kill people, that would not have been a natural conclusion I would come to, I most likely wouldn't have even batted an eye but if I did want to know I would have just said hey whats up with the knife and tape.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

She seems to be lacking in proper communication skills. You don't accuse someone of behaviours simply to have a discussion. What she did was way out of line. What she did was actually a strategy that abusers use...when they feel insecure, they pick a fight and hurl accusations..this way their target feels horrible and insecure and it makes them feel more powerful and in control. That is what she did...it was a way for her to feel more powerful and in control, and to put you beneath her. That is unacceptable behaviour.