What's the stupidest thing you've done to try to hold onto a doomed relationship?

[KaylaJoy]

I have three stupids...cauz I for some reason didn't learn from the first two...

1) 12 years ago, I was dating someone who without warning unexpectedly moved accross the country, from Indiana to Seattle, WA. He promised to call me as soon as he got there, (even though I found him packed and ready to go by accident, otherwise I wouldn't have even known he was leaving). He didn't call. 3 weeks went by, and I tracked him down. I got excuses from him. I sent him a long distance calling card in my name so he could call me. On my dime. He called his parent's in Fiji with it. Finally, a few months later, from Seattle, he pointblank told me it was over. I begged, pleaded, etc., but I never saw him or spoke to him again.

 

2) Fast forward two years, to 10 years ago. I was dating someone with a drug and alcohol problem. They were very persuasive, and very manipulative, and had me convinced (thanks to some major low self esteem issues) that I NEEDED them. So one night after he stole some money out of my wallet for drugs, I followed him outside, and as he was running down the street (having just torn my nightgown off my shoulders, trying to get away from me) I cried out in the rain "please come back to me!!". Pathetic. I'm so ashamed of myself for that one, and I realized much later how self destructive I was.

 

3) Two years ago, I was involved with someone I had had feelings for, for years. He was one of my closest friends, and we became physically involved. I fell hard and fast in love with him. He, on the other hand, would go out with his friends, then come over about 10pm and get busy. About once a week. He would tell me he was sooooo busy, he just didn't have any more time to give me. He wouldn't call me, wouldn't take me out, got upset if I asked for more out of the relationship, said I was demanding, etc. And in return, I wrote him email after email about how I just wanted him to be happy, whatever he wanted to do I was OK with, he didn't have to call me if he didn't want to, if all he could give me was 3 or 4 hours a week, I would just be happy with that. I acquiesced on every single thing, and he would still tell me I was demanding and trying to change him. I apologized profusely over everything. I always called him or emailed him "the morning after" to tell him what a great time I had. Very rarely did he EVER do that for me. He even told me one time that it was partially my fault he was as egotistical and rotten as he was, because I had let him know he could basically get some whenever he wanted. And he was right. Two years later, I am acutely and painfully aware of HOW UTTERLY STUPID AND IGNORANT I was. How FOOLISH. How DEMEANING.

 

I realized that these were major therapy issues, because if you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always gotten. So I sought therapy, and though I still hurt over the guy from two years ago, because I truly loved him with all my heart, I also realize that he is toxic to me. I embarrassed myself immensely. I groveled. I humiliated myself. Now I see that, and would give anything if I could do it over, because I think maybe the outcome would have been different, because I think he did have feelings for me, but he lost all respect for me, because of how I threw myself at him.

 

Anybody else done DUMB and bought the T-shirt and want to share the story??

[desi1987]

Well..my ex broke up with me..um this sunday will be two weeks. I called her over 30 times..at least. Texted her over and over..left pleading/crying messages on her answering machine. Texted the "new person"..tried to get the info about their relationship..how long/why/when/etc etc basically my ex ignored my calls all day..nex day i give her her the noble speech..oh i forgive u and one day we will be friends..be happy. She calls me and asks if i could ever forgive her....I DID...LOL the SAME DAY..at the end of the convo somehow i was BEGGIN her to be with me...lol so yea i blew it by ctin all desperate..embarrassin and RECENT...*smh*

[KaylaJoy]

There is little that is more infuriating to me then when someone ignores my phone calls; that makes me want to burn up their phone line, but I usually can force myself to calm down and back off before I get too bad. I've done it though, plenty of times.

[thejigsup]

I have been on both sides of this coin. I used to do the calling, begging, etc... until the first time I broke up with someone and they did that to me. I felt sooo repelled by them. They became someone I had absolutely no respect for. That cured me. Now it's NC all the way. If they don't come back, and most often they do not, I know they still respect me and more important, I respect myself and take that into my next relationship. If they do want me back, it is because they respected the way I handled it. But yeah, I've embarrassed myself plenty in the past. That's how we learn, right?

[KaylaJoy]

I have been on both sides of this coin. I used to do the calling, begging, etc... until the first time I broke up with someone and they did that to me. I felt sooo repelled by them. They became someone I had absolutely no respect for. That cured me. Now it's NC all the way. If they don't come back, and most often they do not, I know they still respect me and more important, I respect myself and take that into my next relationship. If they do want me back, it is because they respected the way I handled it. But yeah, I've embarrassed myself plenty in the past. That's how we learn, right?

 

Amen to that! It's a hard lesson to learn. I'm actually surprised not more people have posted on here, surely there's more than 3 people who's done DUMB and are willing to tell about it!

 

At any rate, I agree with you, and that is how I shall handle any future relationships.Should there be any! Sometimes it doesn't look too hopeful! I'm almost 40, fat, and feel WAY over the hill most of the time!!

[wtm78]

What's the stupidest thing you've done to try to hold onto a doomed relationship?

 

i think holding on is the stupidest thing i did... anything i tried doing it was stupid...

[dr_loomis7]

Oh my gosh, I still feel stupid over this one: I moved to another state to be with my girlfriend of a year and she broke up with me 7 days later so I left. As I am driving back home, she calls me and tells me how much she misses me and how lonely she is and how sorry she is that she broke up with me. She calls me over the course of the next few days crying and asking me why I left her since she was sorry. Hoping that we could work things out, I moved back. As soon as I got there, at her front door, she announces that she is moving in with her ex-husband at the end of the next month. I felt so ridiculously stupid that I told no one (not even my best friends) about leaving the first time.

[thejigsup]

KaylaJoy, come on girl! I've got a few years on you and I still think I'm a great catch! I even get flirted with sometimes when I'm out doing errands. Age is just a number. I'm not a size five anymore, far from it. But if you still think you've "got it", guys notice and respond. I mean, I don't throw myself at guys, I'm taken, but I do know how to flatter men, talk in a friendly manner, and bat the old eyes when I want a reaction. Now men in their twenties and thirties don't flirt with me, it would be scary if they did. But men around my age subtly let me know that I'm desirable. I would never cheat on my bf, but compliments from other men sure do stoke the fire at home! Just believe you're sexy and you will be.

[soulalone]

I soooo understand where all of you are coming from. About thre weeks ago, the ex and I broke up. I called and groveled and felt so humiliated after calling him. Well, we kinda got back together and decided to give the relationship another try. On Thursday, he got angry at me and I forgave him after a sweet text message and even called him after the text to find out if he was okay. Saturday I got a bit angry and we argued and lo and behold he called it quits. As I am a person that's not going back on my word. We were toxic together and I don't mind losing the 3 year friendship we had and the 5 month relationship we were in. I sent him text messages on Saturday and yesterday BUT that was the last of the mohicans. As he so nicely put it "I'm done" so there it is, I'm starting my first day of NC, and I feel it's the bext thing that could have happened to me. I get MY life back and I don't have to be disrespected in any way. I have made the conscious decision not to go back and not to grovel. He said that we need to discuss what went wrong in our relationship a while ago. I don't feel that we have any explaining to do. It's over...it's so over. I have to deal with my hurt on my own. I don't need closure, that just got us back into bed, added more complications and another breakup. How many breakups can one take in a month. NC will be good and I'll be fine. No one said that life is going to be easy BUT making your own life is easier than going back to be punched over and over again.

 

For me- no more texts, emails, calls and humiliation. I'M TAKING MY LIFE BACK!

[WaterIsLife]

1 really stupid thing comes to mind:

 

Gave up 3 different jobs. Not 1, not 2, but 3. One of them would have given me the chance to work in Adelaide for a year or two, another would have brought me to Ft. Collins Colorado (and skiing!)

[KaylaJoy]

probably the number one rule I have learned (only because I not only excelled in it, but I graduated from it) in the School of Groveling is......NEVER GROVEL!! I have groveled so much in the past there was gravel in my grovel!!

I will apologize profusely if I think I have offended someone or hurt someone. But if I haven't done anything but be me and love someone, and they still wanna act hinckty, then my grovelling days are done!

[Taylor527]

Whats groveling?

[hers]

I chased my ex in my car. I pulled up to his apartment just as he was leaving (while I had been fighting on the phone with him), and he saw me and sped away. I followed him for nearly an hour. It was effing pathetic and I can't believe I was so stupid. Who woudl want to take anyone back if that happened?

[NYAmicas]

I say hanging onto a doomed relationship in the first place while knowing it was doomed the whole while is the dumbest thing I've done.

[lostandlonely77]

HAH! Saturday night. Had a great day / night out with girlfriends. Wonderful evening and all left one another - I was trying to get cab an could not so I called him! I knew he was out drinking with mates - he answered and I started cryig down the phone - he then said to come to his and would meet me there - so i go to his, eventually get a cab and paid over the odds for it! Get to his and he is not there, I wait and I am sleepy on door step. He eventually arrives all apologetic saying tried to clal me as he could not get cab - my phone battery died. Anyway get into house and he gets angry as why I called him - then he hugs me and then angry again

I am very very upset and crying l ike a baby

Anyway get into same bed and cuddle up - I try to kiss him he is about to repond then pulls back and says no

I am gutted but do not cry - anyway - he snaps that this changes nothing etc and I just roll over and sleep. Wake up yesterday morning disguted with myself. I jump up to call a cabn and he tells me not to be silly to come back to bed - sleep and rest. I do so and we cuddle in, hold hands, kisses my forehead and strokes my hair. Eventually fall asleep in each others arms. Wake up few hours later and he is goign to football practice and says for me to weait and he will run me home when he comes back - when he leaves I get up to pack and get ready as realise do not want o be there when he gets back.

 

I wander into spaere room and there is a set of girls hair straighteners on floor - check his drawer and a half emoty box od condoms, found two cinema tickets. Coupl of other things spring to mind and I dialled last number and it is his best mates wife's best friends no. All these feelings goign round in headf and threw up! Strated to grabd everything I bought - lamps, vases and a stool! Started calling a cab and then called my friend who said calm down - put everything back and walk out of their with dignity in tact - do not take anything

 

So I put everything back and get out of there - he texts me in afternoon to ask me to contact him to let him know home safe - I do so later on and state that my shock of the day was hair straighteners and said sorry abd would never hear from me again. He text back saying "the ones that **** left here after getting ready for a night out (this is his mates wife). Did you go through the drawers as well? Whatever...."

 

and I thought oh no. Any deleted tha tand never contact and will no contact. Feel so humiliated, I did not see any sign if a girl being there and friends think i am jumping to all sorts on conclusions - anyway - this has put me bcak at square on after 2 months.

 

Thats it - I am done

 

NC and forget

[KaylaJoy]

Whats groveling?

 

groveling is begging, quite simply put. groveling is begging with emotion, with need. It's a step below begging, because I could beg him to stay and if he said no, that was it. But when I groveled, I put emotion into it...like I NEEDED him to stay so badly my life depended on it. Humiliating. BLEH!