KaylaJoy

still frustrated...still praying over it. Still feeling that sense of abandonment, still feeling slighted, ignored, still hurt over it all. Why is it sometimes I'm on top of the world and got it all licked, and other days, I wear the hurt like an old cloak; heavy.

well said, Dave.

(((luck)))) still smiling! Hey Dave! Thanks for the encouraging words. I'm doing ok tonight...it's day 14....I told a couple of friends today that i thought Mark had written me off....I don't know what he's thinking. It's still frustrating for him to tell me two months ago that I should "relax and trust" him, "have confidence" in him, when he gives me nothing to go on. I cried today over him, first time in a while, but it was OK, and I know God understands. All is well.

Joined on to Facebook tonight, because I have several friends that have pages, and they had encouraged me too. It asked me if I wanted them to search my email address list for Facebook friends, and guess who has a Facebook account? Yep...Mark....he actually has his picture on it, which is unusual because he almost never will post his picture on MySpace. So of course i sent him a friend request (I can't snoop his profile without being on his friend's list!!)... It's all a little bittersweet....I'm doing OK, but I still miss him, and though I believe this must surely be God's will, why is there still a little bitterness towards him (Mark)??...i still feel that sense of abandonment; don't know why. It all feels a little weird now. If he does add me to his Facebook, I don't think I'm going to email him or message him, unless he does me first. I still believe NC is the way to go right now. Apparently he does too! :sad:

(((((hugs)))))

I realized today that not a single day goes by that I don't think of him. But I also realized that I don't hardly ever cry over him anymore. I feel sad sometimes, maybe not daily, but sometimes; over the fact that we went from where we were to where we are now. Sometimes I feel like it was wasted time, and I know they were wasted energy and tears. I also feel bad because I realize that I no longer believe in him, and I wonder what's wrong with me that I don't feel so lost without him. But now I ask myself what did he really do for me? I think I was so in love with him, I didn't see who he really was until it was too late, not that he was a bad person, he's not....just that he wasn't what I need or want, and I couldn't face that. Sometimes it's still hard, but it's getting better all the time. Rascal Flatts sings this: I feel bad..... that I can stand here strong, cold as stone, seems so wrong, I can't explain it.... maybe it's just I've cried so much.... baby I hate it... I feel bad....that I don't feel bad. '' This is chopped up of course, but you get the idea.

day 9... went to the fair tonight, 2 years ago this weekend we were there, our last big hoorah - an amazing night, even by his own admissions. Now two years later here we are...he has backed far away, and though he says we are friends, I know really we are not. We are acquaintances, once friends, once lovers, now just two people with a history. It breaks my heart sometimes, but not as much as it used to. Guess that means there is healing goin' on in there somehow after all, huh?

Yikes, Dave R! Man, I'm sorry for that big hurt! That stinks! Hang in there, keep posting! We're listening! Day 5 for me. I'm still amazed, don't think I will ever get it, that he's seemed to have backed out of even wanting to be friends like he said just a few weeks ago. I must scare the heck out of him, to make him stay this far away. And yet, I keep reminding myself there is a reason for all this. God knows, and I'm thankful for His Higher Ways.

Got a text this afternoon from John, the "ex" from last year (aka my rebound ex)...it was general, asking for prayer that he didn't scream at his exwife over an issue with the kids. Weird, I thought. I haven't been responding to anything he's sent me for months, especially since he has the new wife in tow. I didn't know why he was even still texting me. But a couple of weeks ago I decided to respond back, maybe take a small baby step towards being friendly, with he and the new Mrs. (Don't have anything against her - she's a casualty of the situation.) Not trying to be best buds, mind you, just cordial. Not enemies, at least. Something was odd about this text though, and I texted him back and asked him if this was a blanket text, sent out to all his friends, or was he specifically asking me for prayer. His response was to say "does it matter?" if he sent it out to 10 people or just 1. I responded back and said "to me it does." Never got another response, which is fine. Truthfully I hope he doesn't. Maybe he will finally leave me alone, although I will say that I had finally gotten to the point where I thought I would be OK to be casual acquaintence-type friends again. What I'm not comfortable with is being part of his harem, as I always called them. His circle of women that he calls "friends", and he delights in their adoration and dependence of him. I was actually considering emailing his new wife and telling her why I didn't want to be part of his harem, and assuring her that I was not being antagonistic towards her, I had no beef with her, and was fine with an occasional word from her and John at this point. But his response saying "does it matter?" shows me that he has not changed, he is still hard-hearted, and I do not feel like engaging with him in a war of words. Hopefully he will drop it and leave it alone. I thought perhaps we might end up being friends again, wife included, but I'm thinking no at this point. Interesting stuff. Not upsetting really, just interesting.

Yankeefan, this is so true, and I'm seeing the evidence of this in my own life. StillSmiling, you got it, girl. I never realized this until now, but the "let's be friends" thing is very difficult, and very self-serving for both parties.

day 2, all over again. I cried myself to sleep last night...sobbed for about an hour, then woke up this morning feeling bad over my pity party from last night. I'm ok. just really want the space now, but still feel like if he were to call I would speak, just to be polite, I think I might be OK for the bridge to be burnt, but don't want it to go up in flames, and at my hand...maybe it will just smolder away by itself. either way, he's cold and distant, and he gives me nothing - no energy, no positivity, no good feelings, when I do talk to him, I only end up feeling bad, and questioning myself, and wondering what's wrong with me. I want to talk to someone who WANTS to talk to me back. That's not Mark. So what's the point?

Hey still smiling: Way to go on getting angry! Feels good to take up for yourself doesn't it?! You go girl!

yup and yup on both accounts. I see soooo many mistaks I made with Mark. Like if I would watch it on TV I'd have to grimace and turn my head, I'd be so annoyed! Unfortunately, at this point, I am so afraid to trust anyone, it's going to be awhile I think before I will let the wall down. I learned not to take a friendship and try to make a relationship out of it unless both parties are very very sure that's what they want (I was, he wasn't). I learned when he says he's not really into you and doesn't want to date you, LISTEN. Even if he's lying in your bed when he says it (which he was), if he tells you this ain't a love thing, LISTEN. I learned you can't change a man's mind or his heart if he has it made up. I learned that you can't "love" a man enough that he will change his mind. I've learned alot, the list could go on. I also know no man ever touched my heart like he did. I've never loved anyone like I loved Mark, and if God has something greater around the corner, look out world, it's going to be amazing.

I got that. The 4 months I spent with Mark were heaven and hell all in one. But in the end, on your "better to have loved...." note - I decided for myself today that if I could have the love I had with him again, and know it would end up like it has now, I would not do it. I would run, remembering this hurt. It wasn't worth it, as grand as it was, it consumed me and took over my whole life, and it wasn't worth it, because it nearly destroyed me, and our friendship is basically gone for what it was, and all I got out of it was a broken heart that two years later I'm still trying to mend. Just a thought.