bridal party not cooperating..

[Meow18]

I'm getting married in 3 weeks. So far it's been pretty stress free..

 

..except for the people in the wedding. We have been dealing with drama for the past few months now. And not even from the people we expected.

 

Recently my fiance is having issues with his brother (the best man). He called us last night to say he was insulted that we didn't ask him first about what time the wedding should be over (it's over at midnight because that's how late they will let us stay!). Apparently all of the weddings he goes to never end at midnight.

 

He's also mad that we won't go out after the wedding and "drink til 4 in the morning", his words exactly (by the way, my fiance and I do not drink, not even in small amounts, not even once in awhile.). Besides, who stays out all night with their friends on their wedding night? Doesn't the couple usually go and do their own thing on the night of their wedding??

 

Oh, and he's mad that we are leaving the next morning for our honeymoon. This has been the plan for the past year that we have been planning.

 

I should say that the bachelor party is being held the weekend before. My fiance's brother will have him for 24 hours right there. And then he will be in town the whole week and we already have plans to hang out more with him. So it's not that my fiance isn't going to be spending much time with him.

 

So anyways, he's pretty upset with us for "being selfish on our wedding day", also his exact words. Don't we have a right to be??

 

 

Another problem is one of my bridesmaids (the same brother's girlfriend). I'm planning to go out with my bridesmaids the afternoon of the wedding day to get hair done. She wants to get her hair done too, however, she found a place to do a blow dry (what she wants) style for $30 when the stylist I'm using charges $40. I already told her I would help pitch in with whatever she couldn't afford.

 

Her and her boyfriend (my fiance's brother) plan to go out drinking after the wedding. She will easily be spending $10 right there.

 

Am I crazy or expecting too much to want my bridal party to do this pre-wedding stuff together? I thought that was what you were supposed to do? Why is she not cooperating?

 

With this one I should add that I have not been hard on my girls. I found a cheaper bridesmaid dress and I am allowing them to wear whatever shoes they want (and this bridesmaid in particular already had shoes, so she didn't need to buy new ones). I'm also allowing them to wear whatever jewelry and do whatever with their own hair.

 

I need advice!!

[rosephase]

He's also mad that we won't go out after the wedding and "drink til 4 in the morning", his words exactly (by the way, my fiance and I do not drink, not even in small amounts, not even once in awhile.). Besides, who stays out all night with their friends on their wedding night? Doesn't the couple usually go and do their own thing on the night of their wedding??

 

 

With this one I should add that I have not been hard on my girls. I found a cheaper bridesmaid dress and I am allowing them to wear whatever shoes they want (and this bridesmaid in particular already had shoes, so she didn't need to buy new ones). I'm also allowing them to wear whatever jewelry and do whatever with their own hair.

 

 

I never have understood the getting married thing. It sounds like you’re soon to be brother-in-law is being silly. Is he coming from a long way away? How often does he gets to see his brother, it might just be he wants to see him and spend time with him. Then all you really have to do is say he will find time soon after the honeymoon to hang out with his brother again.

 

As for you’re his wife, it can be really daunting how much money you can sink into someone else’s wedding. Even if you are allowed to ware what ever shoes you want. I know it might sound hard but maybe you should just try and show her you know that you are asking for a lot for her and the other bridesmaids.

[LostInFlorida]

His brother is being an ass. The wedding should be about you and your fiance, NOT him. Your fiance should straighten him out about that.

 

As for the hair thing, I'm a guy so maybe I don't get it. If she wants to get her hair done somewhere else apart from the group, then let her. It's her loss that she will not be included in those activities with the rest of the girls. Or maybe she's like a few of my exes, and just is very protective about who does her hair.

 

Either way, don't let these clowns ruin your wedding. Good luck to you!

[NorthDallas40]

This won't help, but may be amusing.

 

I DJ weddings from time to time. At the last wedding I did, I had a friend in the wedding party. After a very nervous, halting & uncomfortable speech from the groom's brother ("Uh.... I'm real happy for you... Uh.. Um.... I'm real glad you're my brother.... Um... Ah.....I'm uh, glad you're my brother (again), etc."), I asked my friend "What is UP with that guy!?"

 

He told me, "Dude, that guy's weird. Two nights ago he got REALLY drunk, started trashtalking the bride to her face, punched his brother the groom, and even tried to pick a fight with me!"

 

So Meow, what can I say? Good luck with your wedding!

[Snoopy24]

It's you and your fiancees day. Who cares what they think! Yes they are being selfish, but weddings are stressful enough, you don't need anymore drama!

 

I find it kind of weird your fiancés brother wants to go out drinking after the wedding. Doesn't he know you guys don't drink? If he keeps asking, just politely tell him, you guys want to be alone. I think most newlyweds spend the night alone...

 

And as for the brides mate with the hair salon. Don't make it into a big deal. some people are cheap, and just want things "their" way. If she wants to go to her hair salon, just let her. Don't make it into a big deal. That should be the least of your worries.

[Hope75]

Hi Meow,

 

Wow! 3 weeks! That is coming up fast!

 

I'm sorry your future BIL is being a brat. He is indeed being selfish, and most couples I know do their 'own thing' on their wedding night following the reception. Maybe the week before if time allows your fiance can try and maximize his time with his brother, esp. if he is coming from out of town.

 

Maybe your fiance needs to remind his brother that he's getting married, not dying. It's not like they will never hang out again.

 

As for your bridesmaid, yeah she's being silly, esp. over 10$. But... I wouldn't begrudge her, I'd let it go. The people who are important to you will be with you that day.

 

Can't wait to see pics of the wedding!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I had a friend who was a wedding planner and the stories she would tell!

 

She has had to deal with fist fights at weddings, and one brawl that involved all members of both families! One time the guests got so drunk the bride fought with the groom then went off and slept with the best man in the bridal suite during the party!

 

For many, a wedding is not a sacred occasion anymore, but a chance for high drama and lots of drinking. So remind everyone that this is YOUR wedding, and if they don't choose to participate in any event that is fine by you. Just refuse to play in their games and if they are mad about it tough... Just rise above it and ignore any bad behavior you see.

[hers]

Remember that NO is an acceptable answer and complete sentence. If you don't drink and don't want to go out after your wedding to "drink till 4am", then say no. If they start to press you on the matter, just say "I'd appreciate it if you respect my wishes" and then end the conversation. i had to do that very thing with my sister's wedding, which is also in 3 weeks. Everyone is giving me crap about not going to the bachelorette party, which I don't want to go to b/c I don't drink and don't enjoy being around drunk people, so finally I said that and it ended it.

 

As for the bridesmiad, tell her that this is a special day for you and you want to be there with all of your bridemaids and get pampered and you'd appreciate it if she goes with you. If she doesn't want to, then end it. It's not worth getting in an argument over on your wedding day.

 

Remember that they won't be pissed about all of this forever. They may be pissed a while, but go enjoy yourself and don't let them try to ruin your day with all of their crap.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I guess I just don't understand the whole wedding mentality and the Queen for a day where everyone has to be joined at the hips of the bride and groom to ooh and aah over them. The brother is way out of line and your fiance should talk to him. The bridesmaid may just prefer where she gets her hair done and is not interested in the whole pre-wedding "lets all bond" stuff. I don't think it is the money issue...it may just be that she is not into that whole scene.

[Lisa Brookes Kift]

Wow - what business is it of the brother how you want to conduct your wedding, your time after the wedding and your honeymoon (do you see the operative word, "your" repeated here?) I don't understand this behavior and I can see why you're frustrated.

[DN]

Has this brother always been like this? Seems to me that he might be jealous in some way. Has he and his brother been competitive in the past? Is he older or younger?

 

In any event, I think this needs fairly careful handling. Of course he is out of line and you and your fiancé have the right to do what you want on your wedding day.

 

But it is only one day and he will be your fiancé's' brother - and your brother-in-law - for a good long time. So if you can both handle it without causing a major upset it would be better for everyone.

 

I think it might be a good idea for you and your fiancé to take this guy and his girlfriend out to dinner - not expensive hopefully. Have a good conversation and then start talking calmly about the wedding plans and ask for their cooperation in making your day special. Tell them you understand that they want to feel included and have a good time but there are certain things you want to do your way and it would make things so much easier for you if they could help make those things happen.

[drewciouS281]

kick them out of the wedding party. this night is about you and your man. you dont want it being ruined by these two punk asses. kidding - well sort of. That is disrespectful of them. They are being soooo selfish. Usually the wedding crew hangs together even after the bride and groom go do thier thing. I dunno, im big on respect. For your soon to be brother in law be pissed about something that stoopid and drinking till the am hours is retarted. What does your soon to be hubby say about this?? hasnt he put his bro in check?

[Hope75]

kick them out of the wedding party. this night is about you and your man. you dont want it being ruined by these two punk asses. kidding - well sort of. That is disrespectful of them. They are being soooo selfish. Usually the wedding crew hangs together even after the bride and groom go do thier thing. I dunno, im big on respect. For your soon to be brother in law be pissed about something that stoopid and drinking till the am hours is retarted. What does your soon to be hubby say about this?? hasnt he put his bro in check?

 

 

I think you would be wise to approach it in a more calm and diplomatic way, such as what DN suggested, rather than fan the flames by taking the above poster's suggestion. This is your future BIL, after all.

 

Weddings, unfortunately, do have a lot of silly politics to deal with, but I think DN's approach is most likely to get what you want and need without ruffling too many feathers and destroying life long family relationships. My guess is his brother has never been married and won't understand what you both mean until it's his turn.

[drewciouS281]

I think you would be wise to approach it in a more calm and diplomatic way, such as what DN suggested, rather than fan the flames by taking the above poster's suggestion. This is your future BIL, after all.

 

Weddings, unfortunately, do have a lot of silly politics to deal with, but I think DN's approach is most likely to get what you want and need without ruffling too many feathers and destroying life long family relationships. My guess is his brother has never been married and won't understand what you both mean until it's his turn.

 

I didnt actually mean to kick them out Hope! by now you know im blunt. I have experianced enough to know that sugar coating doesnt work. As long as the brother isnt making too much of a fuss about things then he should still be good to go in the wedding but if he is going a bit overboard, would you even want to take the chance of him making a scene? What if him and his girl drink before the wedding??? ever think about that. I say this because a friend of mine had to do the samething for his wedding. The mods always bash me down because im blunt but i get tons of thank yous and points because of it. I wish you the best of luck and congrats.

 

I do have to say though, for your current situation DN's advice is pretty on point.

[Meow18]

His brother has always been this way with us together. And then we will call him out on it and he will say "oh, no, there's no problem, I love you together!"

 

But seriously, we talked about it and realized that it's planned out that they will be spending time together for 5 out of the 7 days (probably 3 of those 5 will be the two of them by themselves) he will be in town.

 

This has always been an issue between them. He can never get enough time. And when my fiance ever turns him down, like when we already have plans or if he just wants to be with me, he will get so pissed off.

 

There have been times where his brother has been rude to me for no reason. And if anyone knows me I just don't deal with people like that.. so it's really hard coming from my soon to be brother in law who claims there's no issue.

 

My fiance doesn't know what to do. THis recent "us being selfish" of all has really upset him. Obviously he's not going to never talk to him again, but he doesn't know how to get accross to his brother that he just can't expect things to go his way all of the time.

 

And I won't push my bridesmaid to get her hair done with us. I was more just curious as to if it was normal for a bridesmaid to choose to go somewhere else.

[Enigmatika]

Elope and be done with it....have a big party after.

No stress.

[Hope75]

I didnt actually mean to kick them out Hope! by now you know im blunt. I have experianced enough to know that sugar coating doesnt work. As long as the brother isnt making too much of a fuss about things then he should still be good to go in the wedding but if he is going a bit overboard, would you even want to take the chance of him making a scene? What if him and his girl drink before the wedding??? ever think about that. I say this because a friend of mine had to do the samething for his wedding. The mods always bash me down because im blunt but i get tons of thank yous and points because of it. I wish you the best of luck and congrats.

 

I do have to say though, for your current situation DN's advice is pretty on point.

 

I've had a lot more positive experiences handling someone in a diplomatic way than going to extremes- especially given that this is someone Meow is going to have to see for the rest of her life. (which has nothing to do with me being a mod, thank you.)

 

Meow, it sounds like this is an ongoing problem for you and your fiance, and I think handling it like you plan to will be your best bet. It sounds like you and your fiance are being more than accommodating to his brother and his gf.

 

As far as the gf wanting to do her hair somewhere else, it's unusual but not unheard of. If she's not really close with you, or the wedding party she may feel more comfortable doing her own thing.

 

Congrats!! How exciting you only have a few weeks left!

[Meow18]

We just can't take things to the extreme with his brother, as much as I would love to tell him what I really think of the way he is acting about our wedding! don't want to ruin relationships over something so immature. He has his good moments too.

 

 

Hope, it is pretting exciting. All of this wedding stress has only made us stronger and prove that we can support each other through a lot!

 

We still have so much to do and the next 2 weekends are booked so I'm hoping we can do it all!!

 

I will for sure send you pictures!

[Lisa Brookes Kift]

That sounds like a wise choice - this is his brother. As much as we sometimes wish we could stop other people from behaving in the ways they do it doesn't work that way. At the end of the day, it's a conversations for them to have and it sounds like a long overdue one. He seems very territorial of him in some way and that's probably childhood dynamics coming up. Regardless, your attitude is good. Let your fiance handle his brother and enjoy your wedding!!!