Tutoring a teenage boy

[Batya33]

For the last 4 weeks I've been tutoring a 15 year old boy with a 2nd grade reading level, who also has had trouble in school and with the law (I don't know the details and unless he chooses to share that with me I won't know). We meet one night per week.

 

My tutoring is focused in reading and a bit in creative writing. My strength in teaching and working with children has always been with young children, and my weakness has always been with teenagers - just in relating to them, etc. I was asked by this organization to do one on one tutoring with him because of my past years reading to children in need.

 

Things seem to be going well so far. But I come to the same sort of "conflict" that I find at times with older children/teenagers. What is most effective for them so that they can learn - an adult who behaves like "an adult" and who is more serious/business (with a sense of humor of course, but who focuses on structure, getting the student to focus on the task at hand, etc), or an adult who acts "cool" and knows all the teenage lingo, etc. With younger children it's easier for me to choose the adult role since it would seem really silly if I tried to act too much like a child.

 

We don't really have personal discussions and nor do I ask prying questions about his past and his home situation. I do ask how school is going, how he is feeling if he seems tired, like that. He is polite and respectful although often tired and reluctant to "read one more page." I am not too hard on him but I find myself playing more of the teacher role, "come on, you can do it, one more page" and "good reading!" than the buddy role. I would be more of a buddy if I thought that would work better for him.

 

Any input from the parents of teenagers - or from teenagers and what worked for you?

 

Thanks!

[melrich]

Unfortunately I think the ideal is probably going to be somewhere in between. You will have to learn how to relate and connect at his level but also provide the maturity and guidance to keep him achieving milestones.

 

Not easy.

[JadedStar]

Everyone has their own style batya. I am opposite from you. I am not good at all with kids under ten but 13 and up i do great. I think they like it when you are a bit cool and understand their lingo but it is not a prerequiste to understand it 100%. But they do well with those who are a bit looser vs the straight arrows.

 

It is hard to explain how to connect with them well. I have found some people connect better with the younger ones, some with the older ones. The older ones I have always been on a better par with.

 

It's a real fine line and hard to explain.

[JadedStar]

Unfortunately I think the ideal is probably going to be somewhere in between. You will have to learn how to relate and connect at his level but also provide the maturity and guidance to keep him achieving milestones.

Not easy.

 

 

 

Yes, the bolded above is very important. YOu can't be "TOO" cool and "TOO" much on the same level or they don't respect you. There has to be some maturity there that they respect and admire.

[Batya33]

Thanks! I assumed a balance was required and this was valuable input!

[annie24]

lol, having just come from a blind date with a high school teacher.... he was emphasizing the importance of relating the materials to the things that students are interested in. ie, just learning chemistry or algebra on its own can be very dry unless you show them what the applications are. like an interesting experiment, or relating it to a real life problem. often times, students feel like, 'why am i bothering to learn this crap if i'll never use it.' maybe work with him on reading things he likes, like a magazine on cars and racing (if those are his interests?) i dunno... just a suggestion!

[WaterIsLife]

You pose an excellent question Batya. I think this is a question that parents struggle with their own kids over many, many years as they grow up! And now you're supposed to do it in a manner of weeks?!? Booo! Not fair!

 

I can only answer with, perhaps, no answer! Everyone is different. Not just you, but him too. I would think if you try to be the buddy and are uncomfortable doing it he will see right thru this. He'll think you're faking it. Teens are incredibly perceptive when they want to be, I think. Perhaps the way to go would be to focus on the best avenue to gaining his trust and respect? Probably a combination of both of the approaches you mentioned. As Melrich said, not easy!

[JadedStar]

You pose an excellent question Batya. I think this is a question that parents struggle with their own kids over many, many years as they grow up! And now you're supposed to do it in a manner of weeks?!? Booo! Not fair!

 

I can only answer with, perhaps, no answer! Everyone is different. Not just you, but him too. I would think if you try to be the buddy and are uncomfortable doing it he will see right thru this. He'll think you're faking it. Teens are incredibly perceptive when they want to be, I think. Perhaps the way to go would be to focus on the best avenue to gaining his trust and respect? Probably a combination of both of the approaches you mentioned. As Melrich said, not easy!

 

 

You are right about the faking it part. It has to be a natural thing. That is why some people are better with younger ones, some with older ones.

 

I can't really tell anyone why i get along so well with the 13+ set. There is no set formula. All i know is that this is the age group I always do well with.

 

The wee ones scare me. LOL

[Batya33]

Yes- I have a great rapport with 10 and under (especially those three week olds ;-)). and waterislife you are right that I would feel if I were too "cool" that I'd be faking it.

 

Annie, good suggestion on the magazines - my sense is that I am supposed to choose books from their library (and getting a 2nd-3rd grade level that would be interesting to a 15 year old boy....) and record on a chart what we read and how much. so far we've read some E.B White and Judy Blume. He seems to like it ok. I also "facilitated' him writing a brief description of a movie he just saw.

 

What I also avoid is trying to get whoever it is to "like" me - which is why I avoid the "cool" thing - I figure it is more important that he learn and that if he respects me that will be a motivator. And wanting the approval especially from a teenager can be very up and down.

 

Jadedstar - I am in awe that you can have great rapport with aliens I mean teenagers ;-).

[rocio]

I really don't think he cares if you're cool or not. What he likely craves is genuine praise and assurance. If you like him - I mean really like and respect him as a person, he will sense that, and will do almost anything to maintain that, especially if he comes from a background where the adults in his life seem to be disappointed in him.

[JadedStar]

Jadedstar - I am in awe that you can have great rapport with aliens I mean teenagers ;-).

 

To be honest Batya i think it is because i am innately as goofy as they are. LOL

 

I am a mature 16 year old at heart lmao.

 

I never forgot what it was like to be a teenager. I can really feel and identify with them so much. I had such a hard time in those years and really and truly when i am around teens i go right back to those years. I know how tough it is. It is just one of those innate things with me. I really LIKE them too, and they can feel that.

[lila...]

When I was 17 I tutored a 10 year old with reading problems. In the beginning I wasn't sure what approach to take either, but in the end we worked out great and we got along very well. Like someone mentioned, there has to be a balance...you can't be the fun, hip adult all the time or else they'll lose the respect for you, but then again you don't want to be the serious, strict adult 100% of the time either. I think children need an imposing, authoritative figure in order for them to learn well and learn to respect, but once in a while it's good if you break out of that role and have fun and talk to them on their level so that they can relate to you and open up more easily, plus they also need to have fun or learning becomes boring and tedious.

[thejigsup]

My specialty is teaching teenagers who have either learning disabiities or have been in trouble with the law in some way. Let them lead the way. If they are warm and goofy, be that right back at them. If they get loud and disrespectful, lay the hammer down in no uncertain terms. When they realize it is their actions that determine how you will interact with them, they feel more in control and have less need to act out and rebel. This is not a blanket statement by any means, but I am a fun-loving person by nature who loves teenagers. They sense this most of the time and respond positively. When they don't, my primary responsibility is to restore order and that I can do fairly well.

[jenny_mcs]

I second Annie's suggestion about magazine article's focusing on his interests. Whenever I have tutored young adults, there were initial issues of embarrassment that they had to be/needed to be there in the first place- so if the reading materials seemed "young" it only added to their discomfort.

 

I also used materials like the DMV booklet (the one you study for your driver's license test), a typical job application, a check, movie or video game reviews, and articles about local sports teams. Using these kinds of materials can also help spark conversations about their interests, and you guys might find some common ground!

[Creative]

It depends on the child's temperament. In a classroom setting, the teacher can't accommodate to everyone because there are different types of children all in the same room. Some kids needs care, some needs inspiration, some needs to know they're good boy, some you have to be authoritative to etc... You just accommodate to what works. The commonality I find is that everyone wants an exciting teacher & everyone wants to feel like they're being challenged. For the child's long term's sake, it's best to provoke their interest in whatever you're teaching, but that's a long process that requires a lot of preparation.

[Aleadragonhawk]

If you try too hard to be cool or friendly he won't respect you. I always performed the best for teachers that I respected, because I wanted to win praise from them. I felt like it actually meant something.

[Aleadragonhawk]

I second Annie's suggestion about magazine article's focusing on his interests. Whenever I have tutored young adults, there were initial issues of embarrassment that they had to be/needed to be there in the first place- so if the reading materials seemed "young" it only added to their discomfort.

 

I also used materials like the DMV booklet (the one you study for your driver's license test), a typical job application, a check, movie or video game reviews, and articles about local sports teams. Using these kinds of materials can also help spark conversations about their interests, and you guys might find some common ground!

 

I agree with hitting home on his interests. Even if you have to choose the books from his school library, if you find out what he's into, there will be SOMETHING out there that he'll be more than mildly interested in.

[Batya33]

Yes yes yes - these are all great suggestions, insights and feedback - thanks! I will re-read this again later.

 

Underumbrella - great point about whether I like this boy. I do like and respect him a lot - and from what I can tell about his past situation it does tug at my heart but the overriding feeling is not pity - not at all - I admire that he comes to this program, that he is trying and struggling and am impressed with how polite and respectful he is given that it sounds like he's been treated like such crap. Before mother's day, we decided to do some writing. He decided to make a card for his grandmother who he lives with "thank you for everything you have done for me in my life."

[chocolates]

I'm a teacher, and with teenagers you have to strike a balance, which only comes with practice.

 

I guess you have to be friendly enough for them to like you in that you need cooperation, but not too friendly, as you are being employed as a person of authority.

 

the other thing is that teenagers cab sniff out easilt someone who is trying to be cool.

 

So you are better off just being yourself, and make the lessons enjoyable and the rest will follow.

[dqueen]

I used to tutor a teenager a while back who was 16 years old but had the mental age of a 5 year old. I pretty much helped her with her homework a reading comprehension and found that she warmed up to me more if I wasn't too "teacher-y" with her. (Is that even a word?) I would allow her to take the lead, pick what she wanted to complete first but also maintain my authority and remain professional on all terms. That doesn't mean you can't joke around and must act cold all the time...just keep it to a minimum. Just don't let him forget that YOU are the teacher.

[Batya33]

I used to tutor a teenager a while back who was 16 years old but had the mental age of a 5 year old. I pretty much helped her with her homework a reading comprehension and found that she warmed up to me more if I wasn't too "teacher-y" with her. (Is that even a word?) I would allow her to take the lead, pick what she wanted to complete first but also maintain my authority and remain professional on all terms. That doesn't mean you can't joke around and must act cold all the time...just keep it to a minimum. Just don't let him forget that YOU are the teacher.

 

Thanks - this is great advice (and also Chocolates')

[Enigmatika]

Some others mentioned earlier....kids can sniff out a fake in seconds.

 

Whatever the interaction with him....be yourself.

 

One thing that really helped me...was to Believe in them 100%.

If they try and failed...doesn't matter...they tried...and that is Victory too.

 

Honest Praise. If it's BS....say it. If it's well done. Say so.

[dqueen]

Don't worry too much, Batya! It will come to you naturally with experience.