I don't trust my long term boyfriend.

[barbielovesmac]

if you want it to work then you need to change.

 

you have to stop complaining about it and DO SOMETHING about it.

[GrowingUp]

so im expecting too much and being all needy and stuff? thanks for talking to me i really appreciate it because i don't have anyone else to talk to

[barbielovesmac]

yes, hun you are being very needy and on top of being needy you don't trust him ... for NO reason. not a reason that's legit anyways.

 

no one can change you but YOU.

 

you need to figure out what's important. who wants to live life miserable and worried all the time? come on girl, get out of this rut.

[DN]

You have simple choices.

 

• Leave him and be alone for ever.
  
• Leave him and find someone else. But the same issues will arise because this is from within you and you will be just as unhappy - if not worse.
  
• Realise that this is about you and get some help to deal with it while working on the relationship.
  

[Girl79]

I don't see how leaving him is really going to solve anything. What exactly is it that you don't like about him? You can't expect things to be the way they were in the beginning, those types of feelings don't last, people get comfortable with each other and settle in together. It's a good thing, really.

To me he doesn't sound like a bad guy at all, especially since he has been putting up with your severe insecurities for all these years. He must really love you to want to still be with you. That alone should make you feel good, because most guys would not put up with that crap for very long.

If you want him to be more romantic, (good luck, your guy isn't the only guy to lack romance by the way) and to make you feel special more, I would try being more romantic with him. He will like it, and maybe he will want to do the same back to you. It's worth a try. Take him out for dinner, then tell him it's his turn next week. Just make more of an effort and maybe he will recipocate. It's a two way street.

I think the problem isn't your man, it's you. Your man sounds like a good guy. You haven't given any real reasons why you would need to cut him loose.

[preciousgirl82]

Did someone hurt you in the past to make you so paranoid? If so, you shouldnt let this guy punish for someone else's mistake. You have no business digging into his personal business whether he's cheating or not. IF there was evidence that he had cheated I would tell you to leave him alone but since there isn't the problem is coming from within you. A relationship means nothing without trust so until he gives you reason to not trust him anymore, ease up on him and enjoy the fact that you probably have a good guy on your hands.

[GrowingUp]

I just asked him if we could go out to get drinks and watch the basket ball game he's all hesitating and then I say we can split the bill and then he's all I don't want to spend any money. Two weeks ago he went paintballling with his friends and that cost atleast 25.00 but he doesn't want to even split a bill to go out we hardly ever go ANYWHERE, its like he doesn't want to do anything with me. He then said we'll talk about it later and then hung up. I feel like I don't even have a boyfriend sometimes and thats why I'm confused alot. What do you think?

[GrowingUp]

Did someone hurt you in the past to make you so paranoid? If so, you shouldnt let this guy punish for someone else's mistake. You have no business digging into his personal business whether he's cheating or not. IF there was evidence that he had cheated I would tell you to leave him alone but since there isn't the problem is coming from within you. A relationship means nothing without trust so until he gives you reason to not trust him anymore, ease up on him and enjoy the fact that you probably have a good guy on your hands.

 

 

yes I stated in this post that I have been cheated on a couple of times and just treated like crap I know its not his fault though

[Excalibur]

I just asked him if we could go out to get drinks and watch the basket ball game he's all hesitating and then I say we can split the bill and then he's all I don't want to spend any money.

Okay - so you're presenting him with an offer to do something, and pay your half. He's said no - so present that offer to someone else that enjoys that activities and they'll say yes.

 

Your problem isn't that he won't say yes - your problem is that you want to do these things "with someone' and he's saying no. Find someone that says yes - and you've got someone to do these thing with - problem solved.

 

 

 

Two weeks ago he went paintballling with his friends and that cost atleast 25.00 but he doesn't want to even split a bill to go out we hardly ever go ANYWHERE, its like he doesn't want to do anything with me.

Notice how you're always avoiding being around just you at any cost - same with everybody else.

[GrowingUp]

Well I totally see where you are coming from and I can go and do something with someone else. I'm not trying to avoid spending time with myself I do that and its nothing wrong with spending time by myself or others. I just thought it was normal for people that are in a relationship to do things together????

[GrowingUp]

its not that I just want to do activities "with someone" I want to spend time with my man, should he want the same???

[GrowingUp]

oh yea he said "we can make drinks at home"

[Excalibur]

So he is asking you to come by for drinks, have sex....and hang out?

 

Or is he simply pointing out it doesn't take going out - to have a drink?

 

You want to spend time with "your man" - if you explore how you view him - you'd see it is probably exactly in that verbage. You don't see him as an individual, and you don't know him overmuch as an individual in terms of his beliefs, standards, priorities, goals or values or interestsin life.

 

You see him as a commodity 'your man"....and you have conformed to the most shallow and superficial requiremnt of society - if I have a man, I should spend time with him, be entitled to his attention.

 

That works for sexual lust.....it doesn't work for interactive involvement.

 

You have to be interesting, interested, passionately involved in living life - to be found enjoyable, interesting, and delightful to be around while doing "nothing".

[GrowingUp]

we live together we have been together for 5 years living together for about 1 . I call him my man because its just a slang word. Its normal. I dont' know whats going on here

[GrowingUp]

I don't feel entitled to his attention I'm pretty sure every woman or girl would like to spend time with her boyfriend other wise you would just have a boyfriend and never talk to or see him? This isn't making any sense to me at all. Maybe I;m just a weird person??

[GrowingUp]

I hope I'm not annoying anyone I'm venting and looking for advice so thanks again

[DN]

Is it possible that he is avoiding spending time with you because he has noticed that you a) don't trust him and b) aren't being very happy around him?

[GrowingUp]

I guess that could be true or I could be paranoid because last night we was wanting to be with me lay down with me hug me, talk to me about the book I was reading. Maybe I'm just being too paranoid?

[DN]

Well, whatever it is it would still be a really good idea to be happy and loving when you are with him. Miserable and mistrusting tends to destroy relationships.

[GrowingUp]

yeah I'm starting to realize that like crazy lately

[shygirl1212]

We've have been together for so long and so far I haven't found any proof that he is cheating but I just am paranoid about it. We broke up for awhile like a year and a half ago and I found him on HighSchoolReunion sites but nothing else. I recently started looking into his cell phone. I don't see anything that looks like a red flag. I am so ashamed I want to try to get into his email because I want to know if he is cheating. I ask him and he says that I should know he wouldnt do that and he gets really annoyed. He says that he trusts me and he would never think I was cheating on him. What is wrong with me lately. I haven't always been this way??

 

I had this same suspicion about my now-ex of 8 years. We were in a very serious & what I thought was a committed relationship.

 

Very early on, something in me became very suspicious of him (at first I thought it was because my father cheated/lied on my mother which ended in a ugly divorce).

 

I blamed myself at first for being so paranoid and distrustful of him. He loved me - I thought. Why am I questioning someone who loves me so much and who is SO true to me? I felt like crap questioning him - it made me feel guilty SO I decided to shed that away and give him all I had...AND I did. I gave him my entire life, my heart, my soul, was always there for him, helped him finish college, get a good job, lend him $, shop for him, cook for him.

 

Then it came crashing down and everything started to unravel.

 

It started "innocently" I thought - first I discovered flirty email exchanges between him and a girl he met in college. It was nothing he said - just innocent/flirty emails. Alright I believed him.

 

THEN, I found out he went to a party of his ex-girlfriend ALTHOUGH he told me he was hanging out with his buddies - I found pictures of him & his ex-girlfriend with a beaming smile, arms around each other. He played it off, said he was sorry. I believed him and forgave him.

 

THEN I found out that he is having secret MSN chats with another girl he met in college. He had never mentioned the friendship with this one girl, and broke his computer when I tried to see what they talked about. He begged/pleaded for me to take him back. I believed him and forgave him.

 

THEN a couple of times, when me & him were out and about, we bumped into girls that he knew from college - and he would chat with them while I stood behind - never once introducing me or acknowledging me - alright I let this one go too.

 

THEN I found out that he had actually posted a sexual profile on a dating site (during one of our rough patches - again a result of his lies/deceit) and he had internet chats, cyber-sex, and exchanged photos with these women - I don't know if he had sex with them. STUPID ME - forgave him too - gave him a second chance.

 

I should have left him A LONG time ago - the trust was broken AND Could never EVER be regained.

 

Fast forward to 8 years later and I FINALLY ended it!

[dreamwarrior]

Listen Growing,

 

I am sorry you are hurting and that you feel others on here are not understanding your pain. Honestly, they are just trying to help you realize that you need to focus on your own life.

 

You cannot live your life through other people...the power comes within you.

 

I am not sure if you seen my posts/threads on here, but perhaps you can learn something from a woman twice your age.

 

If you don't already know my story....my ex/bf is a drug addict who uses needles to inject himself with methamphetamines, he would disappear for days and when he came back there was some drama story he would tell me. He wouldn't answer his phone or it would be turned off...anyway of course he has given me reason to doubt him...I would look in his wallet, pants, jacket, smell his clothes you name it. You know what I found?? Nothing....except needles.

 

Of course in the beginning things start off great...he was working, looked good, and portrayed a person doing well, but deep down this person was in alot of pain...tortured in his soul...and he seen me as some angel of mercy or a light to help him out of the darkness.

 

As I said before I work in the medical field and it's my job to save lives, which makes me very tolerant and compassionate for human suffering. So at work I save lives and at home as well.

 

After four years of this I said enough is enough....I don't want to look in his clothes, his dresser, his wallet...why??? It's not healthy when a relationship comes to that point. As a mature adult I had to say no more! I stopped cold turkey...I don't even ask him if he is with other women or not...I will not lower my pride to ask him or anyone else....I mean really who cares.

 

The man cannot take care of himself...how long do you think any woman will want a man with no job or wait until he is depressed and starts his disappearing act on her?

 

I am not going to put myself through this hell...I deserve better and so I told him no more he is going to have to find his own path. It's not my job to fix a broken person or take care of someone who can take care of themselves, but chooses not to.

 

Sure I still love him, but I love myself more...what am I going to do hand over my life to cater to a person who clearly doesn't help himself??

 

Goodness what can a junkie have to offer me? All he did was complain, yell, cry, pooped his pants, lay in bed for weeks with no shower. He was always getting tickets, having his vehicle towed, fighting with neighbors, vandalizing the house, making messes everywhere, bringing garbage into the house from the street....people would be yelling upstairs for him, so much drama.

 

I am not going to sit around wondering who he is sleeping with or what he doing? We are broke up period...so what he does from now on is up to him. I actually feel sorry for the next girl...she don't know what is in store for her...and when she does..guaranteed she will be running for the hills.

 

Looking through his things takes way to much energy and wastes my precious time...I have no control over his actions...I only have to take care of myself.

 

I wake up everyday to thank the great spirit for my excellent health, nice job, reliable car, good friends, a place to sleep...there is so much to be thankful for...and one day I will find a guy who will be a good partner for me instead of a drain on my life.

 

Also, I have decided that anytime my ex pops into my thoughts I am going to do 10 sit-ups.

 

Perhaps you should write a list of things you have to be thankful for and a list of things you wish to do with your life. Don't give all your focus on just one person.

 

I am not currently looking for another bf, because I want my own time to be all I can be for myself then as time goes on, if a guy comes around and things click...then who knows...but I will be more wise not to make the same mistake twice.

 

If you cannot trust the person you are with then it's not a good idea to be with them. My suggestion to you is continue with your counselor, find out who you are deep inside, and what you can do to focus on your needs..(e.g. spiritual, financial, emotional). Improve who you are first and foremost.

 

Between his relapses we had the most beautiful memories, but deep inside I knew they were short lived and I was always on guard waiting for the bomb to drop...and that is no way to live a life...it hurt me to say goodbye... but, I deserve better.

 

So my dear...why worry about things you cannot change or have no power over?? The love and the answers are within you.

[shygirl1212]

dream - EXCELLENT post!

[GrowingUp]

I have been taking you guys advice and I guess its too late. He says he want to move out now. I tried to talk to him about it and he says that its become too much and he needs his own space. I thought about what I have been doing all weekend and realized that I have been being obsessive and naggy just because I'm miserable in my own life with no friends and worrying about nothing. I have a problem and I know it. He says that he doesn't want to break up but he wants to move. I know he doesn't have the money to do this so he said he needs about 2 weeks to figure out what he is going to do. I don't know what he's going to do or if he's going to see if I really change in these two weeks. The reason I say that is because when I talked to him I told him I know I was wrong for the way I was being and that I am now going into counseling to talk to someone, he said that he can't trust me because I said I would change too many times. He said that I would be perfect for him if I were more social and wasn't so paranoid about being hurt. I know that if he moves out I will have to end it because it will hurt me too bad to see him leaving. I tried to tell him to please leave now if he is really going to leave because I can't stand to see him move out. He said he doesn't want to talk about it. I then told him again that I can't move backwards after 5 years and see him move it would hurt me so much seeing how long we have been together and its not working and that I can't work on myself while all this turmoil is going on around me. He looked me in the eye and said "you are a good girl, nothing bad is going to happen to you. So I then asked him so its not set in stone you won't leave? He then said yes its set in stone but we'll see how things go and then I will see if I can find a better solution. He told me that he need to hang out with his friends to relax and do something different. I told him I understood that and I know now my behaviour is unnacceptable. I really am changing.... But maybe its too late?

[Excalibur]

You changing has nothing to do with his needs.

 

You've worn the guy out - you've held him responsibliity for your identity, hapiness, success, and security in life in every way. That's exhausting - it's like parenting a mentally retarded child with no physical disabilities. No telling what you'll get into or do next...and what it'll cause as an avalanche.

 

You become who you want to be - you two wouldn't be compatible if you did that anyway - but you'd be alot happier about it - in every way.