I don't trust my long term boyfriend.

[barbielovesmac]

NO ONE is judging you.

 

We're stating the OBVIOUS.

[DN]

I disagree that the relationship is over. It isn't until one of you says that it is.

 

But you are putting it in danger.

[GrowingUp]

yeah maybe I am just too much of a up person to be in a relationship

[shoebaby1]

wow I feel bad for you girl

[Excalibur]

why don't you enjoy the interaction you have with him and stop expecting it to evolve or grow or whatever.

[barbielovesmac]

you are anticipating more negative things then you are positive things. the poor guy hasn't done anything to deserve it ....

 

your anticipating his cheating, or your breaking up and it's just NOT logical.

[DN]

yeah maybe I am just too much of a up person to be in a relationship

Nonsense. Of course you aren't.

 

You just have to get your priorities straight.

[GrowingUp]

thanks

[Excalibur]

What are the priorities exactly?

[DN]

• Respecting boyfriend's integrity.
  
• Learning to trust other people.
  
• Learning to trust herself.
  
• Learning to enjoy the relationship.
  
• Learning self-confidence.
  
• Gaining self-esteem.
  
• Learning self-reliance.
  

[GrowingUp]

what do you mean? just so I am clear on my answer thanks

[Excalibur]

What results are you attempting to achieve with your actions?

[GrowingUp]

Oh the results I really want are to just relax, stop being so paranoid, enjoy my life, stop obsessing, become more rational, independent, and trusting.

[Excalibur]

Okay - so what actions can you take and goals can you achieve that would make you fundamentally know that you can handle "life" on its terms, with your abilities?

[GrowingUp]

Thats the hard question that I don't know the answer to. The only thing I can come up with is block the negative feelings and continue to go to counseling for my self esteem insecurity problems.

[Excalibur]

Blocking the negative feelings - means you cannot access the thoughts that cause them.

 

Feelings are not facts, goals, calls to action or tools of cognition. They're a result of your self-esteem, your perception of how life works, your needs/wants/expectations in light of situations.

 

So very literaly - if you couldn't have a subliminal thought - you couldn't have a feeling about a situation.

 

To refuse to acknowledge the feeling you're having means you can't access the thoughts and perceptions tht cause them, that without change - will re-create them constantly for you.

 

I'm not sure what counseling is supposed to do for a lack of self-esteem. It's a lack of self-acceptance....it demands action.

 

I could see a life coach that would be out there forcing you to do the uncomfortable, unfamiliar, and slightly frightening things in life - to broaden your horizons and expand your awareness of your abilities, while teaching you life skills in those situations of risk assessment and goal focus.

 

But endlessly talking about "how I don't really like myself" is not going to make a difference. If anything it would reinfforce that you're spending time and money on your "lack of self-esteem" to generate no self-esteem - and so you really are a failure in life

 

If this helps put self-esteem in perspective - we're all born losers in life. We're only winners when we define what winning is outside of winning in a conventional manner and definition - and going out and doing it for our own reasons, to meet our own needs, and answer our own questions.

 

So you're a loser - until you make yourself into a winner,,,you can't talk yourself out of being a loser.

[GrowingUp]

I don't think if I talk to my counselor about low esteem that I am just going to be talking about how I dont' like myself. The counselor is there to help me sort through my problems and the things that happened to me in life and the past and to help me sorth through the way I feel and why I feel the way I do. I had no dad and I feel that is part of the reason I don't trust men. I don't feel like I missed him at all but my mom was with him and he was abusive, so was another guy she was with abusing drugs and disappearing on her and I feel like its affecting my view on men. I need counseling. Also telling me I'm a loser and that we all are when we start off in life isnt that much help either because obviously I cannot make myself better thinking that way. It doesn't help me at all. I need to learn how to love myself and not be affected by my past and not let it carry over into my relationships. I think all men are dogs and messed up and its hurting me.

[GrowingUp]

my mind is all messed up, I can't just do things to feel better I actually need help. Thats why I'm seeing a counselor

[Excalibur]

In order to love yourself - you need to take actions that haveyou respecting and trusting yourself as a person at the core level.

 

You're saying 'I don't trust men as a gender, because my dad was a drug user and ran out on us."

 

 

Honey, youd didn't pick your father - your mother picked him as a partner, you were stuck with him as a sperm donor - that's it.

 

You have gotten your appearance from a DNA pool, but you can choose your self-identity and perception of life based on your own requirements of yourself - not the DNA combination that creates your looks.

 

waht you mean is that you fear men can run out on women...and they can - just like women can run out on men.

 

You're afraid that someone is going to run out on you - because you believe that means you're inferior, unlovable, unworthy, and unsuccessful - and you don't want more of that impression of yourself coming back on you based on the actions of other people.

 

So, unti you learn to trust yourself - so that you can judge the character of men individually.....you need to simpy not rely on men to be anywhere but where they are at that moment in time, doing what they're doing. That way you're not thinking they abandon or reject you if they leave or don't show up - because you lack character assessment skills right now.

[barbielovesmac]

I think all men are dogs and messed up and its hurting me.

 

But your boyfriend hasn't proved to be a dog, OBVIOUSLY he has stuck with you. So why don't you open your eyes to what's in front of you before it's gone.

 

Because I will tell you right now, most men will not put up with your crap. The neediness, the insecurity ... not positive traits at all.

 

Your pointing the finger and blaming someone who is innocent here. You are so sure that he going to do something to hurt you. You got mad at him for getting on a classmate website while you two were BROKEN UP. And now you think just because he didn't tell you about it that it makes him a liar and makes him not trustworthy. That's crap.

 

If you are so sure about all this, then break up with him. Because if you don't then he will. That is if you don't change.

[GrowingUp]

But your boyfriend hasn't proved to be a dog, OBVIOUSLY he has stuck with you. So why don't you open your eyes to what's in front of you before it's gone.

 

Because I will tell you right now, most men will not put up with your crap. The neediness, the insecurity ... not positive traits at all.

 

Your pointing the finger and blaming someone who is innocent here. You are so sure that he going to do something to hurt you. You got mad at him for getting on a classmate website while you two were BROKEN UP. And now you think just because he didn't tell you about it that it makes him a liar and makes him not trustworthy. That's crap.

 

If you are so sure about all this, then break up with him. Because if you don't then he will. That is if you don't change.

 

You keep saying the same thing telling me how I'm ing up I know I am I know this barbie, I know this. I know he will leave me, I know I suck, I know all of this and that is why I am worried I know this.

[GrowingUp]

I would pay good money to just wake up one morning and be changed. I'm trying I really am

[Excalibur]

This might work as a way to think about it.

 

Let's say tomorrow he says he can't live without you - asks you to marry him - and you two run down to the JP and get married.

 

Two weeks from that date, he's driving home from work, he's in a terrible car crash and he's rendered paralyzed and in a wheelchair the rest of of his life.

 

Now, instead of the life you thought you'd have together - you're going to be the primary breadwinner, the primary caretaker, there will be no sex life, and you'll have to handle the accounting, the chores, tasks, adn all the major decisions of your life at present, and for the future....because you are married and this tragedy has occurred.

 

Are you ready to handle that level of responsiblity - so that you two are financially sound, are pragmatically taken care of, have some level of connection and interacction of a mental, emotional and spiritual nature because the physical part is over?

 

Or, would that scenario make you run screaming from the room going "I can't handle this, I'm only 26, this isn't what I signed up for when I said I do, how did it get this way?"

 

Real partnership that is fulfilling is only possible between two very self-aware/reliant/responsible/obligated/disciplined individuals.

 

It's easy to find fun, enjoyment, pleasure, and distraction in people with full body range of motion, a little money to burn, and options to utilize.

 

Until you're the person that could hear a diagnosis in your life of "Growninup, you have cancer, we have these options for treatment, this is the prognosis, what do you want to do to live life on your terms, with the time you have left" - and you'd do it without hesitation or regret, but plenty of fear and anger...then you're not ready to be in a partnership.

 

Counseling is meant to bring you to a place where life's unpredictable unknown doesn't scare you - because you know exactly how to apply your traits as assets, and your skills to your advantage. Adn until you're at that level of life-self-management...nobody can appreciate you as an individual, they enjoy what you have to offer, but if your situation changes, they're probably out of there.

[GrowingUp]

I don't really know where you are coming from to be honest with you but I wouldn't bail out on my boyfriend/husband because I feel like I'm "too young" and can't deal with trauma or whatever. These problems I am having have nothing to do with age. Its some type of anxiety I carry with me throughout every aspect of my life. I don't know if I pointed this out before but I worry about everything under the moon. All that stuff you mentioned regarding the household I do mostly handle. Maybe I'm not understanding your point. Sorry

[Excalibur]

My point isthat you can't be there consistently, responsibly, and maturely for someone else - because you're not of that for yourself.

 

Yuo're very afraid of being abandoned or rejected - because you have not accepted yoruself and your identity and obligation/responsiblity to self.

 

So you're a "ghost" without somenoe to identify thru.

 

When you stop rejecting and abandoning you - nobody else can ever have the option to do those things again.

 

As long as you are refusing to accept you as you are - everybody's attention is going to be seen as approval.