I don't trust my long term boyfriend.

[GrowingUp]

I know, I know. It sounds really easy you even said you have been there before you should know how hard it is. To wonder what your man is thinking, if he is happy, if he is taking you for granted. We've been together for so long I'm scared of his feelings fading. I already know its not his problem but I'm working on it I guess????

[Excalibur]

You don't have a boyfriend - you have an association. Not because of anything he's done...but because of everything you haven't done.

[GrowingUp]

So my boyfriend is my associate? That sucks

[GrowingUp]

I guess I really don't understand to be honest Excalibur can you explain yourself please.

[Excalibur]

You don't know yourself - so you can't know him.

 

You can interact with him in each individual situation with your own wants and needs - but without knowing his character, or vision for himself and his life at all.

 

So every time you come in contact you're 'hoping" he wants what you want....but you have no idea if he is even headed in the same direction as you - you're not sure whre you're going, and so you have no way to eavluate him as a person.

 

You're relying on him - because you don't trust you.

[GrowingUp]

so what do I do?

[GrowingUp]

he tells me he wants to be with me and everything...I'm confused again

[barbielovesmac]

I know, I know. It sounds really easy you even said you have been there before you should know how hard it is. To wonder what your man is thinking, if he is happy, if he is taking you for granted. We've been together for so long I'm scared of his feelings fading. I already know its not his problem but I'm working on it I guess????

 

at this point i dont know how he could even be happy. sorry, but it's the truth.

i've definetly been where you are and NO it wasn't easy but at the same time i wanted my relationship so i did it.

you need to get a grip....a serious one.

[GrowingUp]

well Its obvious I know I have a problem thats why I'm here. I don't know what else to say???? You seem angry maybe I'm just being sensitive??? I don't know :shrugs: Thanks for the advice however.

[barbielovesmac]

You have a problem, you know that and that's why you are here. But it seems like you are finding an excuse for every piece of advice you are given.

 

If you want a change, it's not coming from ENA it comes from you. If you want the change you have to be WILLING to do it. It all starts somewhere ...

[GrowingUp]

Where in my post did I make up an excuse? I agree with you guys....... I don't know what you are talking about.

[GrowingUp]

well anyway I know I need to change everything else is besides the point

[GrowingUp]

I just feel so stupid....oh well beating my self up isn't going to change anything

[barbielovesmac]

No, you give us a reason WHY you shouldn't feel that way or WHY you shouldn't do something everytime we offer good advice. That's what I mean.

 

Look at how you are getting with complete strangers on the internet, you are getting defensive. I could only imagine how your boyfriend feels. I am only trying to help you. I've been on your thread since you posted yesterday.

 

You need to put your change into some serious ACTION. Every action starts somewhere. Now you need to get your foot out that door ... that's the first step. Negative thoughts need to be tossed out.

[GrowingUp]

I'm not getting defensive... ??? thanks

[GrowingUp]

I wanted to add that I will take it one day at a time and toss those negative feelings out and just do whatever I can because I do want it to work and get better

[DN]

I think that you are putting up a wall against what people are telling you.

 

Now here's something that may interest you. As human beings we tend to get comfortable with familiar situations and somewhat nervous of anything that takes us out of that zone.

 

You have, at some level, become comfortable with distrusting your boyfriend - it is the usual state of affairs for you. Like a default position.

 

It is the same reason that many people stay in abusive relationships - the known is less scary than the unknown.

 

For you distrusting is easier than trusting - because if he ever were to cheat you could say to yourself "I knew it. I was right." But if you trusted him and he cheated you think that would make the cheating harder to deal with.

 

So you need to break out of that safety zone - because although it is comfortable and safe - it is making you unhappy.

 

If you can learn to trust him you will get to a place where you are comfortable, safe - and happy.

[Enigmatika]

...just dump him and let him have some peace.

 

Get yourself in for counseling.

[GrowingUp]

I'm sorry that you guys think I'm not accepting your advice I have stated several times throughout the post that I do agree and I know I will lose him if I don't change.

[GrowingUp]

Maybe its because I was just explaining to you why I feel this way??? not sure

[Excalibur]

Here's the thing - youo've already lost him...you just don't realize it yet.

 

He got with you because the image you presented at first was someone confident, secure, mature, focused, with self-responsibility.

 

Evrything you've done, said, decided, demanded, requested has shown him that you're not that mature, secure, self-responsible woman that he thought he was getting with - when you began the association.

 

He realizes he's with a child...it's fun to play with kids - when they're excited and happy they're delightful little people.

 

When they're upset or frustrated, if you're not the parents that can discipline them into actions the parent considers appropriate - you're sent hom to your parents so that your actions don't impact the reality over-negatively.

 

He sends you home to yourself...when you become to needy, demanding, petulant, or unrealistic in your expectations...what happens to you at home, is you find no parent and wander around going "what should I do, what should I do".

 

If he shows back up at the door - you're so delighted to have someone around, you become pleasant, delighted and excited again - for a period of time. And he enjoys being with you - until it gets demanding and needy - and then he sends you back home to your absentee parents again.

 

But he's not looking at you going this is someone i can rely on, depend on to be consistent, successful, driven, and mature, this is someone that I can enjoy when they're in a good mood and I have the time to devote to distraction...and nothing else.

[GrowingUp]

So its too late is what you are saying?? Hes already gone? WOW well ummm. I really don't know what to do then. Break Up? I don't want to but if that is the impression I am giving here that he is already over the relationship do I just break up with him? I surely cannot ask him if he wants to stay again because he already said that he does want to stay. I;m getting mixed signals I guess? So confusing I hate relationshiops and their drama.

[barbielovesmac]

So confusing I hate relationshiops and their drama.

 

Then why are you in one?

 

It's CLEAR that you shouldn't be in a relationship. You aren't ready to be in one. You need to be with YOURSELF for awhile.

[GrowingUp]

I didn't mean it in that way..... I don't know. I came here to vent and talk about things not to be judged. I just wanted someone to talk to I dont know

[GrowingUp]

God , why am I crying? I feel so stupid I hate the way I feel.