I don't trust my long term boyfriend.

[GrowingUp]

You changing has nothing to do with his needs.

 

You've worn the guy out - you've held him responsibliity for your identity, hapiness, success, and security in life in every way. That's exhausting - it's like parenting a mentally retarded child with no physical disabilities. No telling what you'll get into or do next...and what it'll cause as an avalanche.

 

You become who you want to be - you two wouldn't be compatible if you did that anyway - but you'd be alot happier about it - in every way.

 

I know you didn't mean to be hurtful but this post hurt me to the core. I know where you are coming from and I know everything you are saying is whats happened. It just hurts me so deep.

 

I am trying to think about myself and my happiness for a change and I can't be walked over until he finds a new place, I need him to leave if he is really going to leave because its tearing me apart to see him leaving. He says he wants to be with me just no live with me. I can't do it. I need to get stronger

[Excalibur]

If you can stand back objectively at ths juncture, realize something and this is basically speculation because nobody knows your situationn, previous arrangements and agreements, and financial situations but you two.

 

If you two signed this lease as a couple, after sitting down and budgeting your monies to cover the new set of living expenses...you need to figure out who you are going to get as a roommate to cover his side of the expenses. You might need the extra time to find someone - not just the other way around.

 

He's also going to need to get his finances separate from yours, set himself up in a living situation with deposits - and you two living together means both of you "lose" in terms of lifestyle - when you split.

 

So this is now about being equitable roommates, while you grieve the loss of the romantic relationship - while conducting yourself by the standards and with the character you "want to have someday" - this is your beginning of change...to become the person you want to be - not having feelings, an reacting to feelings - and causing chaos and destruction.

 

You need to look over your income, the money it costs to live where you are...he needs to look over his income and what it is giong to cost to relocate himself......and work out a timeline where there is the least amount of destructive loss in terms of security, sleep, job performance, etc...no needing compounding the difficulties at some point down the line.

 

There's nothing wrong with you sleeping in the bedroom - and him on the couch -sharing a bathroom in a less "couplelike" manner and more of a "I am a guest/I have a guest" mindset.

 

Treat him the way you'd like to be treated - so you respect yourself and don't cause more internal crisis for you.

[GrowingUp]

Well everything is in my name and I can afford the apartment on my own, its not expensive because I moved in on my own and then we decided to move in together he gave me money for rent, food, groceries, cable etc... we don't have joint accounts or anything all the furniture is mine since he moved in with me so all that we don't even have to worry about.

 

He wants to remain a couple but I can't if he leaves, I can't do it.... If he is really moving out I need him to move out now, and I can't be with him anymore. What should I do? He seems like he is trying to see if I will really change before he moves out but again thats just me It could be something I'm making up in my mind you know. He has said before that he is moving out and he never did because things got better for awhile,,, not a long while obvioulsy. But that was before and this is now

[Excalibur]

Look - if he moved in with you because he lacked the personal funds to be financially independent...he's just not telling you it's over once I move out - until he's moved on.

 

If you'd consider this objectively - all you have to do is tell him he has two weeks to find another place.....and at that point you'll beputting his things out on the curb if he hasn't gotten them and himself out already.

 

Treat him with civility, with decency, one of you sleep in the bed - the other on the couch.....and if you can don't take any money from him for rent/utilities or food so that he can get teh funds to move somewhere else.

[Enigmatika]

I don't feel entitled to his attention I'm pretty sure every woman or girl would like to spend time with her boyfriend other wise you would just have a boyfriend and never talk to or see him? This isn't making any sense to me at all. Maybe I;m just a weird person??

You LIVE together....how much more TIME do you need to be under each other's foot?

He says he want to move out now. I tried to talk to him about it and he says that its become too much and he needs his own space.

Now you are tripping over is it "over"...if he is not underfoot he is "not" with you...but being underfoot has driven him away....the circular dance of nuttiness.

He wants to remain a couple but I can't if he leaves, I can't do it.... If he is really moving out I need him to move out now, and I can't be with him anymore. What should I do? He seems like he is trying to see if I will really change before he moves out but again thats just me It could be something I'm making up in my mind you know. He has said before that he is moving out and he never did because things got better for awhile,,, not a long while obvioulsy. But that was before and this is now

Until he has the $$ together he isn't going anywhere...but as soon as he DOES...he will be gone like a bat out of hell. You are destroying his sanity with all this ludicrous nonsense!!!

He says he wants to be with me just no live with me. I can't do it.

For heaven's sake!!!!Do you not drive yourself nutz? Reading this thread would be almost irritating if it weren't so funny!!!

 

You have received all kinds of kind and very helpful advice from people here...NONE of which you seem be implementing. Why? None of it is rocket science.

 

Some one else mentioned that you NEED TO GET A GRIP...of yourself!!!

So: Each time you think up some pointless nagging thought, question of fidelity, whine about romance...SLAP yourself. Then keep your trap shut. You MAY be able to salvage the relationship...MAYBE...but as soon as that boy walks out that door...he will breathing a HUGE sigh of RELIEF. He will NOT be coming back to deal with anymore of that baloney. No one should have to put up with it.

[GrowingUp]

nevermind, its not worth it

[GrowingUp]

For heaven's sake!!!!Do you not drive yourself nutz? Reading this thread would be almost irritating if it weren't so funny!!!

 

Was it really necessary to post this? I mean this isn't funny at all

[Excalibur]

GrowingUp

 

A part of maturity is being able to hear what is written or said without taking it personally - as if they're making a judgement call about your intelligence or character.

 

The post you're upset about simply indicates that you've been going on about the same issue and topic for quite some time - while reaching no solutions or resolutions on your own.

 

In pointing out how frustrating that is on-line in a format where your actions or feelings can't affect anybody personally- you can see how frustrating and offputting it would be in person - where what you do and say has an affect.

 

That's how you learn from what you believe is insulting your intelligence. And it's a skill you need to learn, because if you really do want to 'grow up" - you're going have alot of people pointing out the patterns inwhich you operate, that cause you such upset and others around you to disassociate.

[GrowingUp]

I'm not taking it personally I am just expecting not to be laughed at thats all.

[Excalibur]

She's not laughing at you....she's saying the situation is laughable in that it is being repeaetd and repeated like children who ask "why?" every time they're told "no, we cannot go to the pool".

[Enigmatika]

Thank you Excalibur...you are correct.

Was it really necessary to post this? I mean this isn't funny at all

No it isn't. It's not bearable for you BF either. It's quite UNBEARABLE.

 

You are 26 years old!!! Not a little child I need to be careful how to word the obvious. With children, the obvious, one tends to lead them gently if they are too thick to get the message...but even then, at times...a crude dose of Reality is most helpful.

 

All have stated in very kind kid glove manner the same thing....but it doesn't get through to you. You are driving this man bug house nutz...and he is running away. He is burnt out. Finished. Fertig. Fried. Kaput. Finito. Halas. He is dead sick and tired of the whole thing. He remains as he is financially STUCK.

 

 

If you kick a dog enough times...he will stop coming back when you call.

If you kick a dog enough times that is tied to a leash and cannot run....You KILL it.

 

Is that clear?

 

STOP kicking the damn dog!!!

[GrowingUp]

I did stop

[Enigmatika]

I did stop

I hope so. Hope for you that their is still Life in that dog.

 

You can never ever "control" or ever hope to "know" all about another person.

Never. Let it GO.

 

The ONLY one you can EVER have Control over is YOURSELF. No one else.

* they may cheat

* they may Lie

* they may do 1001 strange damnable things.

 

Doesn't Matter.

 

If and When anything like that comes up....cut them loose.

Never tie your identity to another in any way, shape , form or manner.= Personal Destruction

 

Own Your Actions. Own your choices....and when you act and choose badly....beat yourself up. That is allowed and beneficial...but then Learn from it. Do not repeat.

[GrowingUp]

I hope there is still life in him also thanks for your words of advice

[Excalibur]

HEre's the thing - want the best for him as HE determines it to be - let him go and you become the person you want to become, no matter what becomes of him.

[PixelPusher]

I'm way late to this thread and stopped reading at page nine, so someone may have already said this, but: Trust is a decision.

 

You have to tell yourself to trust him and then do so. Everytime you doubt, remind yourself that you trust him and don't go snooping. What happened 2 years ago while you were broken up should have NO weight with you, unless he was still active on the dating site. The reunion site is fine!

[CoCo2009]

^^I agree with this comment

[allypally]

Wow, this was a very sobering thead to read, since I can relate to what Growing is saying as I am guilty of some of these traits myself.

 

I have been seeing a counsellor for some time, I have also broken it off with my current bf 3 or 4 times now. My reason being that I felt we weren't suited - He is a good guy also. We don't live together and see eachother roughly 3 times a week, but he has been pushing for all of the serious things to happen like meeting the parents, going on holiday, moving in together, whereas I have been reticent about things going to quickly. He is 35, I am 33. He hasn't been in a relationship for 7 yrs, and roughly the same for me. He has had some painful experiences with women who ended it and never spoke to him again, since it ended with his last serious gf 7 yrs ago.

 

When I broke it off with him proper nearly a month ago, I explained to him that loving him was not enough to make it work. That I was looking for a more open relationship with someone, he is a v closed person who talks to me as though I am a colleague (an associate?). He didn't do anything for me at all, or make much of an effort when we first started dating, and has only just started to do so since I spoke to him about how it made me feel.

 

A couple of weekends before going to sleep ago he told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me which shocked me immensely since we have been going through a rocky patch - I explained to him that I wasn't interested in making a commitment like that until the relationship was solid. I had also asked him what he wanted in a serious relationship (we have been dating for 8 months now), and he said, someone to grow with, experience life with, share my life with. I told him that that was what I wanted too. The next morning I said jokingly, "Were you taking the piss last night? why don't we just get engaged?" and he said "why don't we?".

 

Then last night I threw the ball back at him and said that I was coming round to the idea of "forever" to which he responded something along the lines of "wow, you could knock me down with a feather!".

 

Before we went to sleep, he said "I am glad you are coming round to the idea of 'forever', but I want to take things slowly, to let things unfold, to be sure of eachother" to which I said "you mean that we love eachother?", and he said "yes".

 

So you see, one minute he is telling me how much he loves me, then he is talking marriage, the next, he is uncertain and backtracks.

[allypally]

The word i was looking for was "daunting". His reaction to my saying that I was coming round to "forever" was "daunting".

[clemebl1]

I also have a tendency to be insecure because I was cheated on in my last relationship. It's a really tough thing to move past because it hurts and it sucks! But I've learned that you can't stop the emotions that you're feeling. You can't just ignore them and hope that will make them go away. The best advice I've heard lately is that it's okay to have emotions. But, what you do have to do is find a way to deal with the feelings and emotions you're having in a constructive way.

 

It has really helped me to acknowledge my feelings as I have them, figure out what emotion I'm having and why, then deal with it. It's tough, but it makes a huge difference in the things I used to worry about. I'm finding myself nagging my bf less and less because once I figure out what is triggering me, I usually decide that it really isn't as big of a deal as I think it is. When you break it down, it's something you can deal with. Hope this helps a little! Good luck!