I acted needy and panicky-Will he ever respect me again?

[pumpkinmoon]

That's why I feel like I've lost some dignity. When he asked me to take the pics down, I felt like he was such a coward and lost respect for him. I should have told him so and not contacted him again. I had the upper hand. But I panicked when I learned he was going to be in his hometown a few times in the next three weeks b/c the selfish, weak part of me does not want him to be with her in any way.

 

 

 

You will get your respect back by not being there for him to use again. I bet he loves having the both of you to play with, if you take yourself out of the situtation and leave him to her, you will take back all the power you need

 

How old is he?

[Suzanne1281]

You will get your respect back by not being there for him to use again. I bet he loves having the both of you to play with, if you take yourself out of the situtation and leave him to her, you will take back all the power you need

 

How old is he?

 

He and I are both 26. She is 23.

 

I feel like I've done irreperable damage to my self respect right now and don't understand why I want his respect so bad. I already let myself be there a few times for him to use and now I look pathetic.

 

Looking back on my relationship with my last long-term ex before this guy, I acted a lot worse in terms of being dignified and in the end when he lost me for good, he really did see what he lost and he did regret it. Of course he was a different person than this guy.

 

As a very good friend of mine told me, I care way too much about what people who don't care about me think.

[pumpkinmoon]

I am pretty sure she is 23. We are both 26.

 

I feel like I've done irreperable damage to my self respect right now and don't understand why I want his respect so bad. I already let myself be there a few times for him to use and now I look pathetic.

 

As a very good friend of mine told me, I care way too much about what people who don't care about me think.

 

no not at all, but the important thing now is to stop all that and stop letting him treat you like this. It will get to the point where you don't even care what he thinks anymore, he will become less and less important to you as time goes on.

[Suzanne1281]

Shoefairy,

 

When you were going through the phase of blaming yourself, what did you blame yourself for? Right now, I'm torturing myself for him gaining interest in her again b/c in the very beginning, I didn't want to go fast and he was a bit smothering. I feel like if I had accepted his affections more quickly, he wouldn't have gone back, but I wasn't ready to be super emotionally involved with him at first until I got to know him better. I feel like maybe I was icey to him and it made him retreat back to her. Of course, when I did start to open up to him, he should have stopped me right away and told me, listen, I might be going back to my ex b/c you weren't really interested right away.

[pumpkinmoon]

Shoefairy,

 

When you were going through the phase of blaming yourself, what did you blame yourself for? Right now, I'm torturing myself for him gaining interest in her again b/c in the very beginning, I didn't want to go fast and he was a bit smothering. I feel like if I had accepted his affections more quickly, he wouldn't have gone back, but I wasn't ready to be super emotionally involved with him at first until I got to know him better. I feel like maybe I was icey to him and it made him retreat back to her. Of course, when I did start to open up to him, he should have stopped me right away and told me, listen, I might be going back to my ex b/c you weren't really interested right away.

 

I blamed myself for everything will try to list them all here....

 

1) being too clingy, even though it was him who asked to see me all the time and he was exactly the same as I was

 

2) I blamed myself for every argument we had, about pushing issues even though I tried to explain they bothered me, some were small issues but they kept cropping up all the time

 

3) blamed myself because I thought I was too intollerant about everything

 

4) blamed myself for not allowing him to lead the life he wanted, even though his expectations about what kind of life he wanted to lead whilst being in a relationship were ridiculous

 

5) he would never sit down and talk about issues, he was VERY bad at communicating and I blamed myself and thought that maybe I could have approached issues in different ways even though all I tried to do was sit down and talk to him calmly

 

6) blamed myself for pushing him to act the way he did towards and at the end by being too needy and intollerant

 

 

He made me feel like I was constantly trying to cause arguments, he told me this on numerous occasions and I started believing it but in reality I wasn't.

 

And I really wouldnt think that.... If he wanted you that much, you not seeming interested enough wouldnt have stopped him pursuing you and would not have made him go back to his ex, so don't beat yourself up over that.

[Suzanne1281]

 

 

He made me feel like I was constantly trying to cause arguments, he told me this on numerous occasions and I started believing it but in reality I wasn't.

 

And I really wouldnt think that.... If he wanted you that much, you not seeming interested enough wouldnt have stopped him pursuing you and would not have made him go back to his ex, so don't beat yourself up over that.

 

 

I feel like from your post and others I read on here, maybe it's human nature to go through a phase of blaming ourselves for what happened, because it's hard to decipher exactly why things went so wrong when they used to at least feel perfect. I feel like in your case, your ex may have said that to you b/c he didn't want to deal with things and in his mind saw it that way.

 

And the funny thing is, when I wasn't as interested in him as he was in me, he persued me and when I did open up is when all this ex stuff started. He pursued me for about 5 months before we started dating, originally when he was still with HER (I stayed away from him then). And as soon as he got what he wanted, all of this happened.

 

Ugh but I can't get the thought out of my mind-if only I had remained aloof and uninterested maybe things would be different. Maybe if I had not gone home with him those couple of times, things would be different. The first time I went home with him after all this, at first he said we probably shouldn't do that and I was a little upset (and drunk) but I walked away. He called me back to come home with him. I wish I had acted differently, but he put me in panic mode by telling me his ex was moving here and he didn't know what would happen... how else would anyone have acted-if only I had been stronger and just walked away after he said that.

[pumpkinmoon]

I know, I went through all that, if only I had done this and that, hadn't done that, but the fact if we cant change what has happened in the past, we can only control and make decisions about our present and future. The fact they they are choosing not to be with us, is not our fault at all. If they thought that much of us they wouldnt have left and would have worked on any issues or problems.

[Suzanne1281]

I know, I went through all that, if only I had done this and that, hadn't done that, but the fact if we cant change what has happened in the past, we can only control and make decisions about our present and future. The fact they they are choosing not to be with us, is not our fault at all. If they thought that much of us they wouldnt have left and would have worked on any issues or problems.

 

 

I think maybe blaming myself makes me feel like maybe I can take more control over the situation as well-if I tell myself I did this wrong, then I can accept it and just not make the same mistake with the next guy I fall for. If that makes any sense.

 

I'm sorry for going on and on, I just feel better if I write this all out and try and make myself realize the ridiculousness of this situation and wishing I was stronger. I just don't understand how one becomes so insensitive. I guess we're able to do that when we don't want to feel the guilt of hurting someone. I'm just having an extra hard time knowing he's in his hometown 3 times in the next week after ignoring me for over a week and having to put it out of my mind thinking what he might be doing with her. But I have to keep reminding myself that he's betraying her as well without her knowledge.

 

I still think it has to do with him leaving me in limbo-if he had just said straight out-"I'm going back to my ex" then yes it would have still been devastating but at least I would have known what he's doing instead of creating worse case scenarios in my head.

[renaissancewoman101]

I don't think I will ever get why, if you don't like someone, then they chase you, and when you do fall for them, they run away.

 

That is the mystery of dating.

[pumpkinmoon]

It is harder not to have the answers I agree. Its the wondering what the hell went wrong that is one of the worst things. But try to focus on the fact that if they wanted to be with us they would. But theyr are not, thereforeeee they are not worth our time and we need to find someone who does want to be with us

[Suzanne1281]

I don't think I will ever get why, if you don't like someone, then they chase you, and when you do fall for them, they run away.

 

That is the mystery of dating.

 

Does this happen to a lot of people?

 

Shoefairy: I feel like I'm blaming myself for him acting resentful too b/c I am still hanging out with our mutual friends. Which makes no sense b/c it's their choice if they want to be friends with me. I don't know, the more I think about it and the fact that we never talked about it just makes me think of him as more and more of a heartless jerk who is going to make my life a nightmare. I want to talk to him about this, but never got the chance, and now it's getting too late to do that.

 

I'm actually starting counseling soon (they still haven't called me back to schedule my first session unfortunately) and I feel like if I write everything out maybe it will make more sense.

 

1-It isn't my fault I thought he was coming back because he is the one who broke the NC with me...twice.

 

2-It isn't my fault that I am messed up in heart and mind right now b/c he kept going back and forth "I want you, wait I'm in love with her, wait no I'm not, I miss you, I'm going to stop talking to you for two weeks. I'm going to act jealous when another guy looks at you, but then I'm going to ignore you for another two weeks." Wouldn't any normal person be messed up from this?

[pumpkinmoon]

Does this happen to a lot of people?

 

I feel like I'm blaming myself for him acting resentful too b/c I am still hanging out with our mutual friends. Which makes no sense b/c it's their choice if they want to be friends with me. I don't know, the more I think about it and the fact that we never talked about it just makes me think of him as more and more of a heartless jerk who is going to make my life a nightmare. I want to talk to him about this, but never got the chance, and now it's getting too late to do that.

 

You are on the right track with this one. Imagine being with him then 5 years down the line find out he is doing the same again. A decent person would not act this way, he is very immature, he's 26 ffs not 16!!!! I think he would make your life a nightmare too. A relationship is hard enough work as it is without having trust issues, which no doubt you would if you were to get back with him, he is a liar and by the sounds of it a cheat too.

[pumpkinmoon]

I don't think I will ever get why, if you don't like someone, then they chase you, and when you do fall for them, they run away.

 

That is the mystery of dating.

 

I think the key here is to try not to get too emotionally attached before you know what their real intentions are. Easier said than done I know

[Suzanne1281]

I think the key here is to try not to get too emotionally attached before you know what their real intentions are. Easier said than done I know

 

 

It is easier said than done and unfortuantely, no one would know whether to get emotionally attached or not. I wasn't and he was at first (wanted me to meet his mom, constantly puttign me on a pedestal) , so then I became attached and then he stopped.

[Suzanne1281]

You are on the right track with this one. Imagine being with him then 5 years down the line find out he is doing the same again. A decent person would not act this way, he is very immature, he's 26 ffs not 16!!!! I think he would make your life a nightmare too. A relationship is hard enough work as it is without having trust issues, which no doubt you would if you were to get back with him, he is a liar and by the sounds of it a cheat too.

 

 

What I mean is I'm scared he's going to make my life a nightmare now. We will have to see each other-I refuse to give our mutual friends and my social life up to ease his guilt when he sees me. I'm always scared he may say things to our friends about me that aren't true (I've had it happen to me before with another guy) or if he does have the balls to bring his ex out in front of me, I'm scared of what he may have said to her and what she might do. I'm also scared of him bringing a new person out in front of me without my knowing he has moved on first. I'm scared of what kind of nightmare he may make my life in the coming months b/c of his selfishness and guilt.

And I never got the chance to voice these concerns to him.

 

That being said, I agree with you completely-he has repeatedly betrayed his ex: when I first met him a year ago and they were together, he actively persued me and we had slept in the same bed together a few times before I found out he had this gf. This sounds kind of creepy, but before he met me, he met my sister and was hitting on her! She told him she was too old for him but would set him up with me (he still had this same gf unknown to myself or my sis). So he's been doing this repeatedly to this ex and then ended up doing the same thing to me. The guy doesn't seem to want to change and would most likely continue this behavior with me because he got away with it and rationalized it for so long-He already has!

[JadedStar]

That being said, I agree with you completely-he has repeatedly betrayed his ex: when I first met him a year ago and they were together, he actively persued me and we had slept in the same bed together a few times before I found out he had this gf.

 

You know, i am totally not surprised at this and actually was going to ask if he pursued you while still wiith her.

 

No surprise he is probably making plans to reconcile with her (probably already has) and still toying with you.

 

Don't worry about his guilt or anything else at this point. Concentrate on what you need to do and go out without worrying if he might see you and feel bad. I am very empathetic to people but he is beyond needing your empahty or sympathy. He slept iwth you while not even telling you he had a g/f. What a real catch.

[Suzanne1281]

You know, i am totally not surprised at this and actually was going to ask if he pursued you while still wiith her.

 

No surprise he is probably making plans to reconcile with her (probably already has) and still toying with you.

 

Don't worry about his guilt or anything else at this point. Concentrate on what you need to do and go out without worrying if he might see you and feel bad. I am very empathetic to people but he is beyond needing your empahty or sympathy. He slept iwth you while not even telling you he had a g/f. What a real catch.

 

This is where I'm confused: people tell me-if he really wanted to be with you/loved you, he wouldn't care if she knew about you or not. However, he is still toying with me and hiding what he's doing with her from me, so does he sincerely care about her? I think he sincerely cares about himself minus any self respect. UGhhhh if only I could just tell him all this. But again, what good would that do? Maybe someday I will get the chance.

 

And I know-after I found out he had a girlfriend, I was like "I do NOT get involved with guys like this." He even had the nerve to get depressed over seeing me kiss another guy and tell my roommate he was going to break up with his gf for me before that... he was STILL WITH HER! I just thought maybe he was at a healthier place months down the road. He's not a catch at all, so why do we find it hard to get over these people? A question Im not sure anyone can ever answer.

 

If only I had had the guts to just kick him to the curb, but unfortuantely I was in love and holding out hope as I think a lot of people do.

[dreamwarrior]

Whoaaaaaaaaaa...no way in H*ll I would allow any guy to put me second. If he is still pining over his ex and he has told you he still feels something for her then my dear you need to take the last train out.

[dreamwarrior]

I feel sorry for the ex gf because she is in the dark as to what he is doing too....You have the upper hand, because you already know, but she doesn't.

 

 

Don't feel bad...your problems are minor compared to mine...the other woman in my bf/ex life is his mother and I will never be able to get rid of her...she is had always interferred with our relationship and was jealous of me...he would always stick up for me and did this for a long time, but she is in charge of his finances and uses her money to make him like a puppet.

[pumpkinmoon]

I feel sorry for the ex gf because she is in the dark as to what he is doing too....You have the upper hand, because you already know, but she doesn't.

 

 

Don't feel bad...your problems are minor compared to mine...the other woman in my bf/ex life is his mother and I will never be able to get rid of her...she is had always interferred with our relationship and was jealous of me...he would always stick up for me and did this for a long time, but she is in charge of his finances and uses her money to make him like a puppet.

 

my ex was way too involved with his mother too. I think he took what she said as gospel!

[dreamwarrior]

Red flag, Red flag,

 

If some guy was hitting on my sister I would never dream of going near him for any reason, and if I found out a guy had a current gf/wife, he would never have the chance to even speak in my presense again.

 

It's to bad that you have mutual friends, which makes it hard, but heck, don't worry so much about that. Just make it clear to all of them you don't want to know, hear, or see him if he is over there. Also make sure they don't tell you anything about what is going on with his life.

 

If you do have the chance to meet up with his gf/or ex...then take her aside and tell her exactly what this loser is up to. She may act like she don't believe you or say something hurtful to you, but I assure you that once you place that seed of suspicion in her head it will grow like a wild fire. Perhaps this is one of the reasons she became his ex in the first place so she knows what a rotten apple he is already.

 

Good luck and take care

[Pharm11]

Whoaaaaaaaaaa...no way in H*ll I would allow any guy to put me second. If he is still pining over his ex and he has told you he still feels something for her then my dear you need to take the last train out.

 

I wish I say that dreamwarrior. He had to be truly stuck on his ex for not wanting to open up his heart to me. I wasnt perfect but I thought I did good a caring loving girlfriend. Now he left me with a broken heart, and I feel like he just led me on. Got to hand it to him he was confused I guess...but he shouldn't have done what he did. I wonder if he will realize...

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I don't think telling him off will solve anything... people who are willing to cheat and play two women off each other KNOW they are wrong, and they are just essentially very selfish.

 

So screaming at him will do nothing but make him feel justified, as in telling himself, 'what a witch!'... Really selfish people don't care if they hurt other people, they just want what they want.

 

If it were me, i wouldn't talk to him again. Don't text him or email him. If he does approach you, keep it very light and pleasant and just say, 'well, obviously you are back with your ex again if you care about her not seeing those pictures on my website, and you certainly have been ignoring me and not calling, so i guess we're done. Best of luck, hope your ex is better the second time around.

 

Then hang up. He'll be puzzled by this and his last memory of you will be pleasant and next time he doesn't get along with her he'll be wondering if he made the right choice to take her over you! It will also dig at him that you seem so unconcerned about the breakup... he LIKES having two women fussing over him and both dying for him and making him feel like a king, and you're going, 'Eh, no big deal...' It's bound to make him feel small and restore your own sense of dignity.