I acted needy and panicky-Will he ever respect me again?

[Suzanne1281]

I think I've acted a bit needy with my sort of ex where before I was acting with confidence by way of NC. I'm going through a really bad phase of blaming myself for my actions right now. Plus I got really depressed reading posts on dumpees vs. rebounds and I feel like I'm the rebound although I was innocent and lied to in all of this. I feel like I've lost my self respect and dignity and now his respect and I'm having an awful time handling it. When I was confident and NC with him, he would call to hang out, text me, congratulated me on my new job, etc. I will be as brief as possible, but if you want to scroll down to the bottom to see my questions, please do.

 

I think I entered panic mode when he told me his ex might be moving here this summer (he told me he still had feelings for her and is basically keeping me in limbo about it-he messed with my head telling me he knew he wanted to be with me, that this could be "it" with me, that he could love me and was going to break off all contact with her for me. He didn't-he came back around saying he didn't know if he would still be with her or not ). When he first told me this, I acted a bit needy and almost begged him "But we're happy together, we have fun together, we didn't have any problems like you had with her." He told me he wanted to earn my trust back. I didn't hear from him for two weeks after that. I stayed NC, got my new dream job which is when he contacted me. I went home with him that night, we didn't talk about our problems. It didn't really feel the same b/c I don't trust him.

 

A few days later he came to my museum opening with me and we had a wonderful time-it was like old times again and he was being affectionate with me and planning a road trip for this summer. Then at the end of the night, when I was getting off at my subway stop, I asked him to stay the night. He said no b/c he had business to take care of with one of his bandmates but he gave me a kiss goodnight and said he'd call. The next day I posted pictures from the museum event up online and he called me in a panic and asked me to take them down b/c he was scared his ex would start a fight with him and he couldn't handle it. I was hurt but took them down. I didn't act like I was hurt or tell hiim that I thought his situation with his ex was a really sad one if he had to cower from her-I acted like nothing was wrong at all. He told me he was really sorry to do that to me, he owed me and that he had had a wonderful time the night before.

 

Then I didn't hear from him after that. I went into panic mode again b/c he was leaving town for two weeks and stopping in his home town 3 times (where his ex lives and he ALWAYS sees her out when he goes home). So I im'd him-just small talk. He was a bit short with me, but said it was because he was in the middle of a recording session. Just as I said "well it's just that it's been a while since I heard from you" he said "i'll be available to talk more this afternoon." He got annoyed at that and said "I haven't had a day off in three weeks".

 

I acted needy and possibly annoying to him. In a way I don't blame myself because he is the one playing with my heart and head and not just telling me straight out-it's over and not going to work. In another way, I am blaming myself for all the little things: asking him to come home with me the night of the museum opening, im-ing him on Friday. I feel like it's my fault if he goes back to the ex b/c I was being pushy and needy and I keep going into panic mode and wanting to make sure he doesn't go back to her. If he was still contemplating being with me, I probably ruined it by wanting to go quickly back to the way it was, but we dont' talk about it! I should have stayed NC, but I'm still in limbo because he never told me "it's over" and contacts me out of the blue.

 

I've lost my dignity for the time being and am so ashamed of myself. I've most likely lost his respect when he used to have me on a pedestal. Honestly, I know I don't want to be in a relationship with him right now b/c he's got some twisted emotional issues and he really has wronged me. But I want to walk away again with my head held high-I never got to tell him any of this. Will he ever respect me again?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Look honey, you're not too needy, he's too much of a dog.

 

He's playing two women off each other and sitting in the middle enjoying it.

 

He didn't stop contacting you because you were needy, he stopped because he is now back with his ex and terrified she'd see pictures of him with you and then she'd dump him. If he's a free agent, why should he even care if she sees those pictures? He's back with her, and lying to you about it.

 

Maybe he wants to keep it going with you so he can slip in a little sex with you when he's horny and hasn't seen her in a while. Regardless. you should NOT act like a beggar at his door... he's a dog and not worth having.

 

You have no reason to be ashamed or think you lost your dignity. You have not asked him for anything that you weren't entitled to, so don't feel bad about it! You can walk away with your head held high, just be sure to walk away because he's been jerking you around for a long time, and your self respect should be focused on finding someone who is worthy of you, not caring about what some dog thinks about you.

[Suzanne1281]

He didn't stop contacting you because you were needy, he stopped because he is now back with his ex and terrified she'd see pictures of him with you and then she'd dump him. If he's a free agent, why should he even care if she sees those pictures? He's back with her, and lying to you about it.

.

 

I feel sometimes like that's the only comfort I have. That he's STILL not honest with her or about her and no good can come of a dishonest relationship like that. I just have the biggest urge to tell him off about it. Maybe that will make me feel stronger. But what good can come of that? I guess writing him that angry e-mail or yelling at him will only give him more of a reason to rationalize what he's done.

 

Regardless. you should NOT act like a beggar at his door... he's a dog and not worth having.

 

But I feel like I did act like a beggar when I asked him to come home with me. But what was I supposed to think-he had just planned out a road trip for us for the summer! You're right-he has jerked me around for long enough. I am casually dating now, but just wish someone would come and sweep me off my feet so I can forget about him. I am working really hard on trying to remember how happy and independent I was as a single woman before he came into the picture, but it's so damn hard.

[CatsMeeoow]

I agree... if you want to see needy, clingy bad behavior look at my posts... for I am the Queen of that!!!!

 

You did fine... I don't think you went overboard...

 

And, where did you post your pics of your event? If it was your personal space then what the heck does he have any right to ask you to take them down!!!! Seriously!!!! I would wonder if he is being honest with you about everything.

 

I am sorry you are hurting over this. For that I can sympathize too... I just did the most foolish thing ever 3 days ago. I don't think I'll ever get over it.

 

Hold your head high - you've done nothing wrong.

[Suzanne1281]

And, where did you post your pics of your event? If it was your personal space then what the heck does he have any right to ask you to take them down!!!! Seriously!!!! I would wonder if he is being honest with you about everything.

 

I posted the pics on my Facebook page. They aren't even any romantic pictures, it's pictures of him in front of some museum memoribilia that he wanted me to take his pic in front of.

 

And I agree-he probably still isn't being honest about everything. He is probably still stringing the ex along the same as me-making us both wonder if he's coming back or not. I SO wanted to tell him that when he asked me to take the pics down, but I don't know-I just didn't.

 

Like I said, the only comfort I have is that he's lying to her still too and no good can come of that relationship either.

[SpeedingCars]

(he told me he still had feelings for her and is basically keeping me in limbo about it-he messed with my head telling me he knew he wanted to be with me, that this could be "it" with me, that he could love me and was going to break off all contact with her for me. He didn't-he came back around saying he didn't know if he would still be with her or not ).

 

I think it's bad enough he TOLD you he has feelings for her. I wouldn't take what he says to heart - sounds like a bunch of BS. And it seems like he only wants you around when it's convenient. I think him stating his feelings for his ex is enough to walk away.

 

You should get out of the picture completely. How is he gonna get a chance to realize what it's like without you if you're always there?

 

He has his ex... And he has you.

 

I think you should not waste anymore time on him, he sounds like a guy who's just stringing you along until him and his ex can work things out...

 

He hasn't told her about you, which probably means he really doesn't want to lose her. But with you, he knows you're ALWAYS around no matter HOW he treats you, which is why he probably told you about the ex anyways. He knew you'd stick around.

 

You said you came off needy - here's the chance to turn it around.

Walk away with pride and dignity, and realize you are worth so much more than this.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

The point you can't miss is that he didn't feel bad calling you to take the pictures down. He is giving you a clear sign that his need to not to lose his relationship with his ex is more important to him than a relationship with you. He isn't worried about upsetting you at all, and he is worried about upsetting her a lot. So she is his priority, and even if he is not with her, he wants to do nothing that will prevent himself being with her.

 

So he has made a clear choice this ex is more important to him, and has basically told you that in many ways. You don't want to be his second best or security blanket. You should be ANGRY about this, the way he shoves you down and out whenever he's not in the mood or whenever she's around.

 

You want to be first best with a guy, and if he can't give that to you, don't play. Find someone else who proudly wants his picture on your Facebook, rather than some dog slinking around wanting to hide those pictures from his REAL girlfriend.

[pumpkinmoon]

I think for now you need to go NC for yourself. I don't think you should put up with any of his crap anymore. It seems like he thinks he can treat you just as he pleases, he contacts you to spend time with you when he feels like it because he knows that he can. I am not the strongest person in the world and I have to admit, pretty weak when it comes to men, but i would not allow myself to be treated in this way. I know it is hard, but try not to worry about how he sees you and just work on being happy yourself. His opinion of you really doesn't matter, he isnt worth the time. You will find someone who will never mess you about like this.

[pumpkinmoon]

I posted the pics on my Facebook page. They aren't even any romantic pictures, it's pictures of him in front of some museum memoribilia that he wanted me to take his pic in front of.

 

And I agree-he probably still isn't being honest about everything. He is probably still stringing the ex along the same as me-making us both wonder if he's coming back or not. I SO wanted to tell him that when he asked me to take the pics down, but I don't know-I just didn't.

 

Like I said, the only comfort I have is that he's lying to her still too and no good can come of that relationship either.

 

No not at all, and even if he does come back to you do you think it would be a good idea to get involved with him again? He obviously isn't a very decent or trustworthy person.

[Suzanne1281]

Shoefairy,

 

Thank you-I realize in my own experience, after I went through a bad breakup, a new guy was being pushy with me but I didn't go back to my ex because of it.

 

One word you said just made a lightbulb go on: "insensitive." I couldn't put my finger on how to describe how he acted the last time I talked to him and it's exactly that: he's being completely insensitive to my feelings and I didn't do anything wrong. It's like I'm trying to come up with reasons to blame myself.

 

I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I don't ever let him see how badly this has affected me and I act like everything is just sunny and pleasant. On Friday, I actually had every intention of calling him out on everything he's done to me but when I began chatting with him, all of a sudden I thought "What good would that really do?"

 

I just wish he could see how this is hurting me-but showing him that won't change much I don't think.

 

And youre also right that if he did come back, I probably wouldn't want him because the bottom line is, and I've at least gotten to tell him this: I don't trust him. When we're together, I think it will feel the same as it did before all of this happened, and it just doesn't. He's not a decent person right now and I hope he can look back on this someday and realize he should never treat a woman like this.

[renaissancewoman101]

If you are truly done with this and don't care what happens, I WOULD call him out on his shoddy behaviors, make him realize what a cad he is, then drop him like a piece of used tissue and never talk to him again.

 

He deserves to know what pain he causes people. Doesn't mean you want him back either.

[Suzanne1281]

The point you can't miss is that he didn't feel bad calling you to take the pictures down. He is giving you a clear sign that his need to not to lose his relationship with his ex is more important to him than a relationship with you. He isn't worried about upsetting you at all, and he is worried about upsetting her a lot. So she is his priority, and even if he is not with her, he wants to do nothing that will prevent himself being with her.

 

So he has made a clear choice this ex is more important to him, and has basically told you that in many ways.

.

 

That is the hardest thing to deal with! When this all went down, at first he was really concerned about how it all affected me but then she became the priority. He wanted to talk everything out with her, but ignored me. He made it a point to see her when he went home to talk it out with her. He wants to hide what he does with me from her so she doesn't get upset. That is by far the hardest, worst thign to deal with in this situation. I dont' mean as much. And I felt like I really did for a time.

[renaissancewoman101]

I know what it feels like to be second best. I seem to end up in that position a lot of times. At least you have to courage to move on. I don't always move on and sometimes accept that, even though it's not good for my psyche.

[Suzanne1281]

If you are truly done with this and don't care what happens, I WOULD call him out on his shoddy behaviors, make him realize what a cad he is, then drop him like a piece of used tissue and never talk to him again.

 

He deserves to know what pain he causes people. Doesn't mean you want him back either.

 

I'm not sure if I can right now. We have mutual friends and do have to see each other. I'm not sure how to go about telling him off either. I just cannot do it over IM or an email. I've tried. I need to tell him to his face but he's out of town for the next two weeks. I'll see him the last weekend of May b/c he's playing drums for my friend's show, so I think if he does approach me, I can at least calmly tell him what he's made me feel like and how I'm done with his games.

[renaissancewoman101]

Sometimes it's hard NOT to settle with being someone's Plan B, esp if that is the only way you can have them in your life.

 

It's not a good thing but I can see why people would do it.

[Suzanne1281]

Suzanne,

 

As you said you don't trust him... Without trust what is there?

 

 

xxSPHYNXxx

 

And I do realize that after every single time I'm with him or talk to him. I'm strong for about a day and then I turn back into this mess, missing who he used to be and focusing on all the good stuff rather than the rest.

 

I'm fighting the thought that "closure" means telling him off. I did that one with an ex who had cheated on me and it didn't make me feel better at all. Nor did it make him regret what he'd done to me.

[pumpkinmoon]

I am so glad that I have been able to help you. I always worry that my posts are a load of jibbering nonsense lol.

 

I have realised a lot of the same stuff with my ex. I blamed myself in the beginning for everything, every little problem we had, every argument we had, i blamed myself for pushing him away and I hated myself for it, I thought I would never be able to forgive myself but with a little bit of time and a lot of thinking, things started to become a lot clearer to me.

 

I started to see the bad in him that I refused to see before, I started realising that he was also to blame for problems within the relationship and this helped me a lot, I am sure in time this will start happening for you too.

 

My ex also became very "insensitive" to my feelings in many ways and I have since realised that I deserve a lot better than this.

 

I did have a lot of things I wanted to say to him, I wrote him numerous letters, which thankfully I didn't end up sending, (phew!) lots of questions I wanted answers to and our last contact was left on that "we would talk when I felt ready". Well almost a month has gone by now since our last contact, and the more that time has gone on the less need I feel to have that "talk". At the end of the day, things are what they are, nothing he can say will make it any better, nothing will undo the hurt he has caused and the answers that I may or may not get might not even be the truth anyway and I would preobably be left chewing on his words for months to come.

 

I think it is good that you haven't let him see how much this has affected you, and you are right, it probably wouldn't make a blind bit of difference, especially to someone who seems to have such little regard for your feelings, all it would probably be is a boost to his ego, and you can do without giving him that kind of satisfaction.

 

I know how it feels though to want them back even though we know they are bad for us, that is something I struggle with every day, but like you, if i ever got back with him I don't think I would be happy and it would probably all end in tears again. I would rather wait for someone special who will not treat me the way my ex did

[pumpkinmoon]

That is the hardest thing to deal with! When this all went down, at first he was really concerned about how it all affected me but then she became the priority. He wanted to talk everything out with her, but ignored me. He made it a point to see her when he went home to talk it out with her. He wants to hide what he does with me from her so she doesn't get upset. That is by far the hardest, worst thign to deal with in this situation. I dont' mean as much. And I felt like I really did for a time.

 

I think this should be enough for you to decide against ever getting back with him again, I certainly wouldnt tollerate this! Seems he doesn't care about anyone else but himself, he has lied to you and he has lied to her. I wouldn't even do things with him as friends if I were you, no friend would treat you like that!

[pumpkinmoon]

Renissancewoman

 

Why would you want bits and pieces? Knowing you can never have them completely....

 

Suzanne... you don't have to get your closure telling him off.... more said by just walking away...taking time for YOU and finding a man that you deserve.

 

I agree!!!!

 

I also couldnt deal with bits and pieces, it would kill me

[Suzanne1281]

I wrote my ex a lot of letters too. Then I save them and read them two weeks later and realize, yeah thank GOD I didn't send that. And when I have tried to talk to him about the situation, whatever he says seems to just make it worse, proving even more that he's not good to be with right now. No matter how I act, what we do, how much fun we have together, at the end of the day, the problem is still there and he doens't want to work through it. The answers he gives me never feel like the truth anyway-nothing ever seems to match up. And days later, I am overanalyzing everything he's said and getting even more angry at myself for not realizing exactly what he was saying.

 

I am glad to hear of your own experiences, not because I'm glad you are going through them, but it's good to talk to someone who seems to be a few steps ahead in the healing process and can really tell me what to expect.

 

 

 

I should know from my own past experience about this as well. When I went back to my last long-term ex, it was like it was covered up a little, but the problems were still very much there. He did not change and I just had to go through the tears and ANOTHER break up with him anyway.

[Suzanne1281]

I agree!!!!

 

I also couldnt deal with bits and pieces, it would kill me

 

What sucks and the reason I can relate to RenassanceWoman is that all I've ever had with boyfriends is bits and pieces. I was so happy being single after the last long-term ex b/c for the first time in my life I knew I could love myself better than any of these guys ever would.

 

I do not feel from your post that you were too needy. He is back or trying to get back with his ex. You have done nothing wrong, and he is a dog for playing you along instead of just being straight-up.

 

Again, the only comfort I have is that he's not honest with either of us, so he's not going to find happiness going back to her.

[pumpkinmoon]

it was the same with mine, although I didnt feel like he was blatantly lying to me things didn't sem to add up a lot of the time. I read some of my letters back too and even a few weeks on aftre writing them I feel different about it all. Thing that bugs me is that I know he thinks that he could have me back with the snap of his fingers still, this isnt the case and I want him to know that lol Not going to tell him though of course, I will let my NC speak for me.

[pumpkinmoon]

What sucks and the reason I can relate to RenassanceWoman is that all I've ever had with boyfriends is bits and pieces. I was so happy being single after the last long-term ex b/c for the first time in my life I knew I could love myself better than any of these guys ever would.

 

 

That must be hard, but there will be someone who will make you their number 1, just have to give it time, it will happen. I don't like being single, but I am getting used to it and learning to cope with it, the only good thing about it is not having the stress of a relationship and worrying about what he's up to.

[JadedStar]

All i really needed to read in your post was this:

 

The next day I posted pictures from the museum event up online and he called me in a panic and asked me to take them down b/c he was scared his ex would start a fight with him and he couldn't handle it

 

He is alraedy back with the ex or making plans to do so i guarantee it. THAT is why he wanted you to remove those pics. He was now cheating on HER wtih you. Or tried to anyway.

 

He is not worth your worry. Who cares if he respects you, i would not respect him if i were in your shoes.

 

His insensitivity is another sign that he is not capable of really considering anyone's feelings other than his own. Pity his ex, not envy, as he will do her the same way.

[Suzanne1281]

 

He is not worth your worry. Who cares if he respects you, i would not respect him if i were in your shoes.

 

 

That's why I feel like I've lost some dignity. When he asked me to take the pics down, I felt like he was such a coward and lost respect for him. I should have told him so and not contacted him again. I had the upper hand. But I panicked when I learned he was going to be in his hometown a few times in the next three weeks b/c the selfish, weak part of me does not want him to be with her in any way.

 

 

 

He is alraedy back with the ex or making plans to do so i guarantee it. THAT is why he wanted you to remove those pics. He was now cheating on HER wtih you. Or tried to anyway.

 

His insensitivity is another sign that he is not capable of really considering anyone's feelings other than his own. Pity his ex, not envy, as he will do her the same way.

 

I do pity her because if he is telling her he's getting back with her, he was still basically betraying her with me. And I know he will be too much of a coward to bring her out in front of our friends b/c he knows I will be there and the truth will come out. Although it will be hard b/c I know he must have said some unflattering things about me to her to make himself look better b'c he did the same thing to me-saying not so nice things about her. So he has, is, and will be hiding her just as he's done to me.

 

He's shown that he will keep doing the same to her b/c he was still contacting me. And in turn, if I did get back together with him, he would (well, already has) done the same thing to me.