Am I a bad person?

[cespaeth]

So there's this girl who is a friend of a friend of mine that lives near NYC 4 hours away from where I go to school, and almost 11 hours away from where I live. I got to know her by jokingly acting like a douchebag by demanding blow jobs in return for me hacking some facebook of some girl she thought was cheating with her BF of the time.

 

Anyways long story short we talked and flirted on the phone and IM alot and I was going into NYC to see my brother, so I decided to meet her and ended up spending the night and now we're hooking up, I guess you could say "dating".

 

However I don't want a GF and I definitely don't see myself ever settling down with her for more reasons then just the distance factor. Problem is I know she doesn't want to just be "friends with benefits" or atleast likes me a lot more than I like her, to the point where she admittingly won't hook up with anyone else as long as we're hooking up. However I still continue to hook up with other girls even though I know she doesn't like it.

 

I also constantly tell her, sometimes argue with her (it may be mean on my part), that I'll never date her and am being upfront with my intentions to just have fun when I happen to be in NYC, and that if I do find a girl I want to settle down with we'll likely have to stop talking. I also tell her she should just find a guy who will appreciate her, like as much as she does, and reciprocate vists and what not.

 

Despite all this she still goes way out of her way to spend money on trains, concert, and even plane tickets to see me, whether it is to my school or buy me tickets for me to come to the city to see a concert and stay with her for a while, etc. It's no doubt that she's spent much more time money and effort to see me then I do her (the fact that she comes just to see me and I only see her if I have an excuse should be enough on it's own).

 

So question is, am I a bad person for letting this continue? Should I just cut it off between us because its obviously impractical for her to continue to try to see me like this? Despite the un-reciprocated feelings she still wants it to continue, even though I've expressed this all to her, so I feel like she's setting her own trap here and if she really wants to continue doing this I can't stop her.

[Lana0120]

Stop the contact. Just because she's letting you use her and it's all above board in that she knows where you stand, doesn't mean that you have to continue to be that way. If you're getting a lot of action elsewhere, the kind thing and the right thing to do is cut her loose so she can find someone else who wants the same things that she does.

[shygirl1212]

I agree with Lana. You're questioning yourself because you have morals & ethics.

 

Let her go - it is the right thing to do BECAUSE you know in the end she will probably end up devastated.

 

Treat her how YOU yourself would want to be treated.

[servedcold]

Welcome to ENA. I disagree with the preceding posters. You have told her you aren't interested in a relationship, she still wants to hook up. She is a big girl (presumably, no age info is given). If you and she both want to continue things as they are, it is not your responsibility to safeguard her feelings, especially in a case where you have been bluntly aboveboard and honest with her, even telling her you are hooking up with others. If she wants a BF, she can take the initiative to stop seeing you.

 

You say she doesn't want to be just FWB, but her actions speak otherwise. Have fun, worry about your feelings and desires and continue to be open with her. Let her worry about her feelings and desires. Best wishes.

[iloveyoumorethanyouknow]

Welcome to ENA. I disagree with the preceding posters. You have told her you aren't interested in a relationship, she still wants to hook up. She is a big girl (presumably, no age info is given). If you and she both want to continue things as they are, it is not your responsibility to safeguard her feelings, especially in a case where you have been bluntly aboveboard and honest with her, even telling her you are hooking up with others. If she wants a BF, she can take the initiative to stop seeing you.

 

You say she doesn't want to be just FWB, but her actions speak otherwise. Have fun, worry about your feelings and desires and continue to be open with her. Let her worry about her feelings and desires. Best wishes.

 

If you're that heartless to not care about her.. considering she has grown feelings for you, then yeah go for it. But by you letting her come to you and you still go to her, you're impeding her chances of meeting someone better. I suggest letting her go and cut off whatever you have with her. It's just mean to take advantage of someone's feelings even though you have already told her. Obviously she thinks it'll get somewhere. It's up to you to continue to use her or to let her go.

[servedcold]

If you're that heartless to not care about her.. considering she has grown feelings for you, then yeah go for it. But by you letting her come to you and you still go to her, you're impeding her chances of meeting someone better. I suggest letting her go and cut off whatever you have with her. It's just mean to take advantage of someone's feelings even though you have already told her. Obviously she thinks it'll get somewhere. It's up to you to continue to use her or to let her go.

 

Heartless... not care... mean...take advantage...continue to use her...

 

Hmm, is someone coloring their advice with personal experience? We all do to some extent, but none of the above are present in the situation OP describes...

 

If the genders were reversed in OP's situation, I guarantee the replies would read "well if you enjoy hooking up with him and have told him the deal, yet he wants to continue seeing you, that's fine, he is getting sex after all."

 

And I know for certain we wouldn't be seeing all this "heartless, mean, user" type talk... interesting double standard...

[cespaeth]

The thing is (I know it's mean, and probably unwarented but) I've told her countless times it's not going to go anywhere, and she just responds with an "I know! Omg shut up". She says that she understands that it won't go anywhere but I know she doesn't really understand it, because for instance I asked her "what you're just going to constantly take these trains and flights to see me" and she responded saying something to the effect of two years isn't that long to wait, basically insinuating that we'll have a future together beyond college.

 

So if you couldn't tell, for the age, she's 19 almost 20, I'm 20. She's definitley a smart and "big girl", except I feel when it comes to guys dating she's not so much, but I dunno if that's my place to say.

 

Anyways bottom line is she says to me that she doesn't care that I hook up with other girls, she "doesn't care" that we won't have a future beyond being friends with benefits (even though she gets mad that I even use that term about us), and she doesn't care that she has to spend all the time/money/effort to see me, and that she's fine with the way things are but I feel she says this but doesn't really feel that way.

 

I know she would be mad/frustrated/annoyed/sad/maybe even hurt if I cut things off now, but it may be the right thing to do considering if she's not going to look for other guys I'll just be wasting her time and possibly emotions. Am I right here? If so I feel like I'm being arrogant for deciding what's good for her, am I? Also if I should cut things off, should I continue to talk to her online/on the phone as a "just friends" kind of thing or completely cut it off?

 

Thanks so much for the advice so far people, very much appreciated.

[servedcold]

It's really up to you, if you feel guilty about it, cut it off. It's not arrogant to be considerate of her feelings, but it isn't your moral obligation to do anything other than be upfront with her. You've been honest with her, decide your own feelings and let her decide hers. Give her some credit for being able to decide what she wants.

[mca1975]

dear cespeath, I am in the same position at the moment I think, whereas I am the girl who wants more, lol. but its a bit more complicated in that when I feel I am getting some commitment from this guy ive been seeing for the last 3 months, I feel scared and panicked, like I dont want it. Its crazy.

 

He has been upfront and honest with me too about committment. He is very afraid to do it, but he wants to. He tries and has moments where he gets carried away and we make plans, then he will back off slightly for a few days or sometimes more. It can hurt, but I have gotten used to it. But like I said, I find myself feeling the same sometimes. We have very different lives and he has a lot of family problems to deal with. We love spending time together tho!

 

I choose to still see him because I appreciate his honesty and to be honest, the sex is good and I feel I am in my sexual prime right now. Are you and this girl having sexual relations?

 

He has tried to break it off a few times and so have I, but we always end up back seeing each other.

 

However, I dont think (or I hope) that he sees other girls, I would be very upset if I found that out and I think he knows that I would. To be honest, though I am accepting this the way it is, even tho its not ideal, if I was to find out that he was seeing other girls, I would definitely have to break it off as that would hurt just too much.

[Batya33]

To the OP - rather than just telling her she deserves better show her that by keeping your distance and telling her that since what you told her didn't work (she is still coming around) you can't see her anymore.

 

I knew a guy who kept seeing a woman in your situation. Now he's the father of her child, they live in the same house different floors. He told her several times that he didn't want to be with her so she "forgot" to tell him she was on antibiotics while taking the Pill (which affects the pill).

[cespaeth]

To mca1975, since you're in a similar situation on the other side. The fact is I do openly see other girls, I tell her this and she gets annoyed and doesn't like it at all, but still wants to see me. You said you would break it off if that were the case, do you think that she's being self destructive here and I should break it off for her? We do have sexual relations, and unlike your case, I have no intentions of commitment at all with this girl at all. Like I said earlier if not just for the distance, the fact I don't want a serious relationship, nor do I see one with her being healthy (all of which I've been upfront about).

 

And to Batya33, wow I think this girl I'm seeing might have a mild case of dependency disorder, but that is insane. I'll always make sure to wear a condom, that is if we continue our sexual relations.

 

Thanks so much everyone for your advice. Has anyone else had an experience anything like this? I'd love to hear your stories, it can put things in to perspective for me. I still don't know what to do, it seems a couple people think I should cut it off, and others say don't or do what I want. Of course I don't want to cut it off with her, I like spending time with her, and I like hooking up with her I just don't have romantic feelings for her, nor do I want a relationship and I don't think I ever will want one with her.

[iloveyoumorethanyouknow]

Heartless... not care... mean...take advantage...continue to use her...

 

Hmm, is someone coloring their advice with personal experience? We all do to some extent, but none of the above are present in the situation OP describes...

 

If the genders were reversed in OP's situation, I guarantee the replies would read "well if you enjoy hooking up with him and have told him the deal, yet he wants to continue seeing you, that's fine, he is getting sex after all."

 

And I know for certain we wouldn't be seeing all this "heartless, mean, user" type talk... interesting double standard...

 

ACtually.. it's not from personal experience.. and it wouldn't be true that if it's the other way around, it'd be okay. Seriously? Wow.. It's just as heartless for a girl to do that to a guy.. "You know for certain" .. wow you sound very assured.. i'm sorry... but that's a wrong assumption..

 

It sounds like, but I may be wrong, thats from your personal experience? Saying it's okay for a guy to do it but if a girl does that to a guy, it's wrong?

[lady00]

Stop hooking up with her. She is not getting it. And it seems like she's using the fact that you continued to hook up with her as an excuse as to why she shouldn't give up on the idea of dating you. It sounds like she lacks self-respect when it comes to you and I think the right thing to do is to stop contributing to that. She's not taking responsibility for herself so it's time to cut her off.