Tired of waiting...

[StarBrite]

It's been a long time since I posted anything so i'll lay the foundation.

 

My bf and I have been together 5 years now. We're expecting our third child any day. He's 19(20 in june) and i'm 23. I realize technically we're still young, but I'm getting tired of waiting for him to take the next step. We've talked about it, he says it'll happen but not when i'm pregnant because it isn't fair to the other two???? Um... ok?! Right now I do daycare out of our home and he works full time AND goes to college. I'm really starting to wonder if this is really the life he wants. He tells me it is, but we've had issues along the line that have made me wonder otherwise in the past. Basically I feel he needs to step up and commit, or make the decision that he'd rather go see how life would've been had he not been grounded by our relationship and children and just admit it and stop stinging me along if thats the case.

 

We're supposed to be moving into a house his dad owns and rent from them this summer. Which I know is going to be a BAD idea. And I have a feeling, if he don't make the commitment before we move, eventually the choice of.... are you still daddy's little boy, or MY husband.... is going to come up because of the way they like to control things, and I also think his dad is weighing heavily on this as well for my bf.

 

So I guess my question is, should I keep hoping that he'll take the plunge soon, or is it just a lost cause after all this time and never going to happen?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Oh my goodness, he is only 19 and this is baby #3! So he was only 14 when you started going out and you were 18!! When did you have baby #1? I can understand one baby being a mistake but 3?? Why are you making babies with him when he is so young and both of you aren't even married (and you clearly wanted marriage for quite a while). I can understand why he is reluctant to get married...he hasn't had a chance to experience life. While you were 18 when this relationship started, he was only 14...not yet legal. I think it was foolish on both sides to start producing babies...but to marry if he is not ready yet would also be very foolish.

[DN]

Well, you have your timescale and he has his. Why should yours take priority - he isn't saying he will never marry you.

 

And to call him Daddy's little boy is disrespectful and demeaning. He works and goes to college and supports his family as best a man of 19 can. It seems to me he has a lot of responsibility and is doing his best and if that means accepting some help from his father then that is what he has to do. Perhaps you should feel fortunate that he has a family who are prepared to help.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

He is only 19 and you have three children? You are really expecting a lot of him, and maybe have 3 kids with a teenager wasn't such a good idea.

 

This is a tough one because you have 3 kids, but really you should think really hard about the demands that are being put onto someone his age. What will marriage change at this point? You have 3 kids, he is in school, and a lot going on.

 

I think you should at this point be helping him get thru school so he can get a good job to help support those 3 kids, and you should too, especially if you're thinking of leaving him because he won't commit. Those kids should be your top priority now, and getting your lives going so that you can support them. Then if the relationship is still solid, think about marriage.

[StarBrite]

You know... I'm so tired of people looking at it from that perspective.....

 

I moved away from MY family so he COULD be a dad.... and finish high school and be able to even go to college. I've worked my butt off to support our first born on my own for almost 2 years BY MYSELF. Yes, I realize he was and still is young, but at the same time, SO WAS I, but apparently that doesn't matter to people. No one sees that when we had our first child, yes the act was a mistake, BUT, he also knew what he was doing when i got pregnant for the second and third times.... He's a MAN, and is still being treated like a little boy from society and frankly i'm tired of it. A man is SUPPOSED to support his family. And if he's "man" enough to make this family, HIS family needs to backoff and let him grow up to take care of it.

[DN]

Well, it seems you have no respect for him at all so I have to wonder why you decided to have three children with him and why you want to marry him.

 

Generally speaking it is wise to reconsider a position you are taking if everyone else seems to disagree with you.

[StarBrite]

So I guess the sacrifices of a mother and women in general means crap? Just because society feels like 19 is too young to be a dad?

 

Forget it, why'd i even bother posting

[DN]

So I guess the sacrifices of a mother and women in general means crap? Just because society feels like 19 is too young to be a dad?

 

Forget it, why'd i even bother posting

It seems to me that sacrifices are being made on both sides and yet you don't even acknowledge, let alone appreciate, his.

 

I imagine you bothered to post hoping people would validate your position but this is an advice forum and the advice you get may not always be to your liking. But that doesn't necessarily mean that it is bad advice.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Well, I think you both showed lack of judgement on the baby front. Nobody is saying he shouldn't man up...but if it was perfectly fine for the two of you to make a slew of babies before marriage, then what is the rush about getting married at this point. I see nothing wrong with moving into the house that his Dad owns. It would probably be cheaper for the two of you. I think you are so busy trying to show the world how independent you are that you end up making unwise decisions. You may have been young when you had your first child, but remember, you were already of age whereas he wasn't.

[rocio]

I agree with you, StarBrite. Why do people act like men are being heros when they work and help support their own kids? And yet moms, of course, are expected to sacrifice absolutely everything for their kids and don`t even get so much as a thumbs up for it. It`s rediculous.

 

It must be very difficult for you not knowing whether the father of your 3 children is going to stick around. It also must be very difficult when the father of your children is easily swayed by his parents opinions. In-law relationships are rarely uncomplicated, even when the man stands his ground.

 

I don`t really have any advice for you but just wanted to say that Ì understand these circumstances must be rough for you. But I would wait and give him some time to decide on his own that he wants to marry you. You wouldn`t want him to feel pressured into marriage and later resent you for it.

[Hope75]

I understand that you both have a responsibility to these children but I can't help but wonder why, as the older of the two of you, that you went on to have two more children with someone who was not yet an adult. I can understand the first was a surprise.... but surely you both knew what would happen the 2nd and 3rd time? You knew just as well as he did, and being 4 years older, knew better.

 

Having 3 children doesn't change the fact that he is 19 years old.

[Aschleigh]

I think the being married part is only a symtom of what is going on.

 

The OP doesn't seem to be satisfied with the relationship. How could you be , with 3 babies by 23. You've had no time to be a teenager, much less go off and find who you are.

Now you are probably doing more than 50% of the work of parenting.

But a wedding is the least of your concerns. You have 3 kids and who are you? What do you want from your life? What kind of relationship do you want. The person you were at 15 or whenever you met him, is not the person you are now.

I'd be angry with myself for not using birth control before I knew a bit about life.

Find who you are and what you want. The chances that you still want the guy you were hot for at 15 are slim.

[HeartGoesOn]

I think you should have thought of this after having the first baby with him.

 

He still has a lot of growing up to do, and to have 3 kids by age 19 is a lot to have on your plate.

 

I agree with the others here, Why did you have 2 more children with him at such a young age, and before both of you got more established in life?

[ladyblue07]

I understand why you want to be married with the kids around, but i do think he is pretty young and probably scared of marriage still just because of his age. If I were you, I'd give him more time to get used to the idea before deciding it's all a lost cause. Even if he was ready to get married right now, it might be best to focus on the new baby for a while first.

Good luck with everything.