Guys hitting on you when you have a boyfriend?

[lost1607307474]

I need advice on what to do when guys try to make a move on you but you have a boyfriend and more importantly, just don't want them to be hitting on you.

 

I have been going out with my boyfriend for about 2 years, I love him more than anything in the world, and know he is the only man for me I don't ever want to be with anyone else and have never, ever found myself flirting with other guys or wanting to be with anyone else.

 

My problem is that when I go out without him, or even when I'm at uni or work, I tend to have a lot of guys hitting on me. Striking up flirtatious conversation, touching me when they talk (i.e. on the arm or waist or something), sitting very close, etc etc. I ALWAYS try to work the whole "my boyfriend..." phrase into conversation to kinda tell them that I have a boyfriend and I'm not interested, but I don't always get the chance to. I don't know what to do when these situations arise! I feel so awkward and just wish they'd stop making moves on me, but I feel that if I just come out and say "Sorry I have a boyfriend I'm not interested", they might react in a way where they are like "Um what the hell are you on about I was just being friendly." Argh it's just so frustrating! Wanting to know how you girls (and guys) deal with these situations?

 

Thank you so much.

[ResonanceTheory]

Gain 45 lbs and grow a mustache.

 

Seriously, just don't flirt back and I think you'll be ok. You have to realize that, especially if you are attractive yourself, there will always be people that you come accross that will find you attractive, and that you will find attractive as well. It doesn't mean that either person has to act upon it, just conduct yourself in a manner that is friendly but not flirtatious. Show them that you have boundaries...and if that doesn't work, then just tell them.

[lana111]

i hate that! 9 times out of 10 if you say that you have a bf they will say "what a lucky guy" or "well i should have figured, but thought id give it a try" and then they politely leave. BUT, you will get that one guy who says "who says i was hitting on you" or something like that. yea you jerk, you came over to talk to me, a stranger, and you are trying to tell me you werent trying to get to know me/ask me out. not that im conceited, but unless the guy was asking for directions or some other random question, i take it he's hitting on me.

[NorthDallas40]

Just casually mention your boyfriend in conversation and they'll get the message.

 

I rented a van this past weekend and was driven to another location by a very lovely and very friendly employee. We had a great conversation about our upcoming weekends, and even found out we had a friend in common. I wasn't planning on asking her for her number or anything, but when she mentioned her HUSBAND I knew I shouldn't even be thinking that way. So that method works.

 

It doesn't explain why she wasn't wearing a wedding ring, however.

[miracle29]

In today's society, very FEW men have respect for another man's relationship. They simply want to try to steal the prize from the other man. Its like lions in a den. They keep stealing from eachother until they fight over the meat or they mess the meat up so badly, no lion wants it and they starve.

 

Men who hit on women who are taken and are told "no i'm not interested, i'm happy where I am at" and yet they still persue you will hurt you if they ever do get you. Trust me you don't want to deal with that!

 

Keep true to your man. The other guys who flirt will not do you right. Trust me on this one!

 

Never give up your 80% for 20% because the 20% turns out to be only 5%

[Iwantittoend]

You can tell them you have a boyfriend, but nowadays, there are a lot of jerks out there that won't take the hint and it'll make them work harder for you. Guys always want what they can't have. I'd just ignore the flirts if they continue. Go on your way and don't even worry about it.

[kr356]

buy a shirt that says "if you think you can have this, you can't."

[just M.E.]

The number of available potential flirtatious romantic partners is inversely proportional to the degree of commitment in your relationship.

 

M.E.'s version of one of Murphy's Laws

 

Whether I am in a relationship or not, I have my personal space boundaries that I am comfortable with. I have always been like that, even when I was 20. Those who were close friends could put an arm around me, a peck on the cheek, etc. but if they weren't in that group of friends, it was "Don't touch me" Usually a dirty look was enough to put some distance. If a guy lets his hands do the talking, I usually grab his wrist and quietly and firmly push it away. You don't have to say anything, that says volumes.

 

If they push and ask why, just tell them you aren't comfortable with their actions, that is all that is required. If they don't like it they can go jump ..... only a jerk would get all mad and pout.

 

Here's an old line ... When a guys gets too touchy feeling, look and him and say "I would have never guessed that about you" When he asked what, tell him "That's how guys with little p*** syndrome act, I wouldn't have guessed you had one".

 

That's for the complete horses backside type guy, if he's a reasonable guy, just some gentle push off is usually more than enough.

[_Asti_]

I just don't flirt back. I use the boyfriend line as much as I can, or do the "I'm out with the girls tonight.." story and kinda give them the cold shoulder, or politely redirect him to a single girlfriend..but in no way do I do anything that would give him the invitation to continue to flirt. Maybe I act a little cold, or not interested, but I just don't flirt back or send open invitations for him to continue.

[JimmerJammer]

sheesh, no wonder guys have such a hard time meeting women! they're almost shunned for even trying.

 

Seriously though I hear you on your point. I think it's rather pathetic and disrespectful for a guy to be hitting on a woman as that's just the wrong way to go about it. Some of the things like touching and such some people just don't like. It's a matter of personal boundary and what they're comfortable with. A true guy and an honest man will understand this and be aware of whether he oversteps boundaries AND will not pout or react to it. If she has a boyfriend that's cool, be cool about it. Don't be like well then I dont' want nothing to do with you, pffft whatever lol because I realize that's what usually happens.

 

Some guys will just take it too far and will act inappropriately about it, but personally I respect it when a woman is nice about it. Sometimes it's really hard for a guy to meet a woman because he has to put himself out there knowingly and not be aware of what your story is. It's up to the guy though to handle it and if you're not interested or you DO have a boyfriend, then he's better off being cool about it. Handling it like a man. Personally just being honest about it and rather firm in the way you're happy with your bf and aren't looking is a good way to address it. Just because the guy is trying there's no need to destroy his ego or make him out to be a bad guy unless he shows himself as one. At which point you have every right to tell him you don't want him near you and that it would be best if he walked away.

[rob1984]

In my experience, when i attempt to flirt with a female, sometimes i might get one of those that squeezes in "my bf is/this/that/whatever..." statements and for some reason it seems more challenging than a female (single) rejecting you. Its similar to the idea of a forbidden fruit in the adam/eve story.

Why dont you try not to flirt back and have a casual conversation thats dull and if the dude doesnt get it, show an unmoved face expression (no smiles), it might signal the dude to walk.

[Excalibur]

This many men can't be sitting close, touching and flirting with you if you're not sending the signal "pay me attention".

 

if you'd step back when they touch you and ask them not to - they'd stop. If you didn't engage in the flirtation, or let them prattle endlessly at it while just standing there - it won't go on.

 

You're encouraging and perpetuating it- perhaps with silence.....but you having a boyfriend, doesn't sotp them from wanting a piece.

 

If they know by your actions and words you're not an option for a good time - they'll move on.

[ghost69]

shun then away. don't be open. quick answers to any of their questions. yes/no. that's it. and if a question is too deep 'none of your business'.

[lost1607307474]

This many men can't be sitting close, touching and flirting with you if you're not sending the signal "pay me attention".

 

if you'd step back when they touch you and ask them not to - they'd stop. If you didn't engage in the flirtation, or let them prattle endlessly at it while just standing there - it won't go on.

 

You're encouraging and perpetuating it- perhaps with silence.....but you having a boyfriend, doesn't sotp them from wanting a piece.

 

If they know by your actions and words you're not an option for a good time - they'll move on.

 

That's true, thanks heaps of the advice (and everyone else, thank you!)

I'm definitely not sending these guys signals of 'pay me attention!'. I absolutely am not comfortable with this type of attention, if I wanted it, I wouldn't be posting here asking for how to make it stop. There is only one particular guy I come accross often who just pursues & pursues & pursues & pursues & touches etc, I guess I should have specified that. But I do often come accross very flirtatious men who no not get the message, find it uncomfortable having to tell people that I have a boyfriend when they are openly flirting with me, because I hate that they always reply with something like "I should have figured" and "Oh I'm wasting my time then" and just walk off on me.

 

Maybe I should just stop being a friendly person?! Haha seems like the only thing I can do.

 

Anyway thanks for all the advice, greatly appreciated

[Excalibur]

Here's a line that'll end it at the point it exits your mouth.

 

"You do realize I am out of your league and you haven't got a shot at a piece of a$$".

 

You state that as they do the FIRST thing that indicates they think you're a cutie/hottie/sweetie.......and you've made it very clear the reason you're not going to consider them is becuase they are beneath you in your opinion....not because "you have a boyfriend and I'm not allowed to flirt, but if I could - I would with you".

[rocio]

Some guys just don't get it, and then you have to be all-out rude. I have a neighbor who is really starting to scare me. I've told him that I'm married and he's always asking me over. Now I have to pretend not to hear him when he talks to me and be very cold. I hate to be rude to my neighbors but he leaves me no choice.

[tangi39]

Here what I think- Guys Flirt. Period. It does not matter if you are dating, engaged or married. In fact, I've had MORE men try to flirt/pick me up since I've been married than I EVER did when I was single- go figure !

 

If you want to avoid it, you have a couple options- but please realize unless you carry around a sign that says- "Don't hit on me" - it will never stop entirely because you can't control what others do or say.

But to minimize it- Don't flirt yourself- sometimes just being nice to a guy will trigger it- you may not think you are flirting.

Avoid situations where a guy might try to pick you up.

Ignore guys that do it.

Walk away immediately or quickly reply- Not interested- when a guy does try it.

Dress yourself down a little- not to look dumpy but if it bothers you so much don't wear anything too revealing.

 

Personally, I think you and your bf should be stoked that so many people think you're so desirable ! And I'd be a little careful too- most men like to know that other men find their woman desirable. If that totally fades, he may start to look for a woman who does. Not saying he will, but men like a woman who tries to look her best and they want to be proud of her in public. If you bf really and truly doesn't care- then he's a bigger man than most.

 

But I do think you should understand too - Flirting is very natural and usually harmless.

There is hardly a person anywhere who doesn't indulge in harmless and playful flirtations.

It doesn't mean you are a bad person or don't love your mate.

I wouldn't be too worried by it. Just my two cents.

[Excalibur]

Here's the problem with the 'hiding behind daddy's coattail" of "I have a boyfriend, I'm married" as a reason to get a man to leave you alone that is pursuing you.

 

Flirtation is not seduction. People flirting are sending the message "you're a cutie" - to get back the message "back at you" - it's harmless, i'ts not obnoxious, and it isn't intended to go further than the mutual message and temporary ego boost.

 

When a woman doesn't state outright "I AM NOT INTERESTED IN YOU" - using the excuse of I have a boyfriend, I have a husband....she's being irrationally "demure" - becuase she's delighted at being found attractive.......but doesn't want anything further to result.

 

You uhave to process the whole situation..the man pursuing flirtation - would end it if you didn't flirt coyly back.

 

The man who is pursuing "more" - you have no idea if he wants a quick piece, or just more attention, or a date, etc.

 

So the woman going "you can't have me, I'm taken".....is just stating "you could have me if you can make me decide that you're better than the deal I've got".

 

the man continues the pursuit.......the woman is upset because she's going 'he knows I"m with someone else" - but the woman being with someone else, isn't unavailable to the pursuer per se...if herstandards allowed her to cheat - she easily could and would. the man ding the pursuing of sex, attention, or dating has no loyalty to "your boyfriend" - the woman has a loyalty ot the person she's aligned herself with.

 

That loyalty involves not using "I'm taken you can't have me" as an attempt to get people to keep flirting, while knowing it'll never go any further.

 

She has an obligation to herself, and her man to state "I"m unavialable to you becuase I determine I'm unavailable to you".

 

This crap of "I'munavailable becuase I have a boyfriend"......stupid. You're not unavailable because you have a boyfriend...you're unwilling because you have one, but you might be made to be willing with enough pursuit.

[Gratsy]

Meh, I just don't give a flying flip about hurting people's feelings. Men sense that, most of the time. So they don't mess with me. I just say, "do you have any suggestions on how I can get my boyfriend a gift? He's the best man in the world, blah blah blah...." when I'm in a relationship and really like the guy, people run anyhow b/c he's the main subject in conversation.

 

I don't know why: but men are OH SO WILLING to hit on you when you have someone. When you don't, they don't as much. Something about being unavailable. Its so retarded.

 

I also agree with the advice about being rude. Its very easy to get what you want in life, people. It all rests on communication. Communicate your annoyance and BAM he's gone. Men are more easily destroyed than women...words slice faster to their pride than anything else.

[Gratsy]

This makes A LOT of sense.

[Excalibur]

It's more about when women are in a relationship - they're often more confident, aggressive in life - and that is attractive.

 

when they're not in a relatinship - they're working very hard to be demure and attractive to get in one - which is not nearly as appealing.

 

Women often consider themselves like a piece of real estate...if they're single, they're on the market - they have a cnostant open door, and there is no requirement about what is right to involve in - it might result in an offer of sale. that's not attractive - you can't get people to pay for the lunch later, that you've been offering for free up to now.

 

If they're in a relatinship, they consider their house not on the market...and they upkeep and maintain themselves not as a show piece - but as a pride in ownership item. That makes them more aggressive in life to achieve, it makes them more confient in interaction. They don't perceive theyr'e on the market - but they're worth living in as proof of ownership. It has people wondering "what is beyond the front door - the lawn is lovely, the paint job is superb." If the lady of the house keeping standing at the door with it open doing "you can't come in because we live here" - when people knock......people won't quit knocking even after they hear that statement. That isn't "the house is not for sale"...it's "we live here, you can't". Two different statements.

[miracle29]

I like you Gratsy you have spunk.....This post was a cute read!

 

 

Me personally I don't shoot a nice guy down as hard as I would some cocky guy who thinks he has a 98% chance! I will be a lot nicer to someone who is shy and you can tell..it took a ton of courage for them to ask me out, but some arrogant punk who just wants to get laid so he comes to MAMA looking for a cookie, oh I love them....those are the ones I lay it on heavy! Usually they are so arrogant, they can't be let down easily....

 

A sweet man who is just having a crush and wants to try it, usually wont be so pushy. Those you can say "hey i'm totally flattered but I've got someone very special and would never do anything to hurt him .."

[Gratsy]

I like you Gratsy you have spunk.....This post was a cute read!

 

 

Me personally I don't shoot a nice guy down as hard as I would some cocky guy who thinks he has a 98% chance! I will be a lot nicer to someone who is shy and you can tell..it took a ton of courage for them to ask me out, but some arrogant punk who just wants to get laid so he comes to MAMA looking for a cookie, oh I love them....those are the ones I lay it on heavy! Usually they are so arrogant, they can't be let down easily....

 

A sweet man who is just having a crush and wants to try it, usually wont be so pushy. Those you can say "hey i'm totally flattered but I've got someone very special and would never do anything to hurt him .."

 

Thanks. I know what you mean. I love the shy guys. I hate the arrogant ones. I make fun of arrogant guys.

My nice response: I am in love with someone else.

My mean response: No, because ___(their flaw)___.