Is it my responsibility to keep the conversation going?

[kevinm]

Wow, talk about coming to the dance late! LOL. I was out volunteering today and came back to this whole thread. Hummm, not much food for thought however. I'm so disappointed my fellow Enots! Nah, not really. I guess it's just something I need to work on. The whole face to face contact thing. I suppose I just need to work on saying what is on my mind and not worry about how that person reacts to it. Whenever I'm interested in a girl I am always trying to anticipate her next move. Bottom line is I suppose I'm trying too hard to have someone like me.

 

-Kevin

[civilservant]

Wow, talk about coming to the dance late! LOL. I was out volunteering today and came back to this whole thread. Hummm, not much food for thought however. I'm so disappointed my fellow Enots! Nah, not really. I guess it's just something I need to work on. The whole face to face contact thing. I suppose I just need to work on saying what is on my mind and not worry about how that person reacts to it. Whenever I'm interested in a girl I am always trying to anticipate her next move. Bottom line is I suppose I'm trying too hard to have someone like me.

 

-Kevin

 

It's easy to do that, but all we can really say is that when you meet the right person it'll come naturally!

[Batya33]

It's easy to do that, but all we can really say is that when you meet the right person it'll come naturally!

 

Not necesarily. some people naturally take time to warm up and open up.

[kevinm]

The whole 50/50 response seems so politically correct. I mean no offense to those who say that, and I feel that way too. BUT, I feel there is something else. I think there are people out there who feel like they should be entertained or taken care of generally speaking. One of my best friends says this is most common with youngest children or only children. Any thoughts?

 

-Kevin

[JadedStar]

Kevin, all i gotta say is i wouldn't feel very compatible wtih a person if i went out with them and i felt left holding the bag on convo. For me part of being compatible is smooth and fluid conversation. Of course first meets can be awkward so I would be sensitive to that but it would be a requirement that i be able to converse well with the person or I'd have to chalk it up to incompatiblity.

 

Part of good chemistry is the conversation flows very well and when there is silence it isn't even awkward. Now since first dates are awkward in and of itself there is room for making allowances but if this is still occurring by date three, and not significantly improved by date two, that is a warning sign for you that maybe you are trying to put a square peg into a round hole.

[Batya33]

There's an old Sex and the City episode about Carries' FWB. She decides she is determined to date him so she plans for them to go out for sushi. He thinks she is kidding about having dinner before sex but he goes - he's not a bad guy. It is PAINFUL to watch them try to make conversation - even though they've had sex several times they are incompatible in every other way. She realizes that she can't change it to a dating relationship and they end the evening with no sex. That episode to me shows how important it is to have that in person chemistry, even if you have sexual chemistry.

[kevinm]

Well, see, the uncomfortable silence isn't all that uncomfortable for me. It's more about being able to be free with my thoughts and words. It takes time for me to warm up to girls. I'm often afraid women will reject my potty mouth or be turned off by my sick sense of humor. But in the back of my mind I know that I wouldn't want to be with someone who couldn't accept those things about me. Because for all my talk, I'm a sensitive guy at the end of the day, educated, NPR listener, liberal, etc.

 

So many first conversations I feel like I'm doing all the work. I feel like I'm underneath a microscope. Or that she's recording our conversation for later review or something, lol. It's hard to describe.

 

-Kevin

[Batya33]

If having a potty mouth is how you feel "you are" (as opposed to a habit you might consider changing, or changing for appropriate circumstances) then yes you have to accept that most women who have families, friends and jobs where your potty mouth might reflect badly on them, will be reluctant to get involved with you. I sure would - certainly when it comes to taking an SO to business functions I would feel too nervous with someone who felt that the potty mouth comments were just who he was and not changeable. I also would feel nervous about the person's career potential if he wanted to work in a more typical environment where that conduct wouldn't be tolerated.

 

Not all women - some women work in environments where cursing and off color jokes are the norm, others will love it as much as you do. I don't think it has anything to do with being liberal or an NPR listener -- as far as being a person who curses a lot or tells off color jokes regularly.

 

Again, I think it's fine as long as you accept the limitations of your standards and approach. To me being free with my words has to be balanced by a filter that takes into account where I am, who I am speaking to, and consideration for the other person's feelings and sensitivities. Personally, I declined to meet anyone in person who cursed more than once (maybe) during our first phone call.

[kevinm]

Well, yeah Batya, what you say is a given. One always has to consider their surroundings. I do have excellent manners, know which fork to use, etc. No problem there. I can talk about politics, world issues, history, art, etc.

 

I'm not continually cursing or telling off color jokes, but I do see the humor in cursing when the occasion is right. A person who curses all of the time is basically uneducated in my opinion. Having a limited vocabulary is a turn off for me. However, I also know that just because a person curses a lot or has a sick sense of humor doesn't mean they are a bad person either.

 

I just want to find someone similar to me concerning their sense of humor, that's all.

 

-Kevin

[Batya33]

The right fork is not what I meant at all. To me class and manners is being able to make others feel comfortable in their own skin in a variety of situations and with a variety of people from all walks of life. That takes practice, sensitivity and putting your own agenda (i.e. wanting to just let it all hang out with the jokes/cursing) to the side when the situation requires. Not all the time, but the general mindset is other-focused rather than "I want to tell this joke/make this comment and who cares what others think".

 

It also has nothing to do with being able to give input on a variety of topics -that's a plus, but not relevant if a person cannot establish rapport in the first place.

 

All I am saying is that your sense of when cursing is appropriate might not be compatible with the people you say you want to meet - those who are articulate, intelligent, and able to speak on a wide variety of topics. I stopped using curse words several years ago - now it is very rare - because I found that in general the impact was it diminished the point I was trying to make, was bound to offend someone and/or wasn't funny or was a cop out (i.e. trying to get a cheap laugh). Not saying you need to do this at all - that's just what I did - for me it had a positive impact on my self-image and social skills.

[JadedStar]

Well, yeah Batya, what you say is a given. One always has to consider their surroundings. I do have excellent manners, know which fork to use, etc. No problem there. I can talk about politics, world issues, history, art, etc.

 

I'm not continually cursing or telling off color jokes, but I do see the humor in cursing when the occasion is right. A person who curses all of the time is basically uneducated in my opinion. Having a limited vocabulary is a turn off for me. However, I also know that just because a person curses a lot or has a sick sense of humor doesn't mean they are a bad person either.

 

I just want to find someone similar to me concerning their sense of humor, that's all.

 

-Kevin

 

The thing with that is you will have to get to know a lady for a bit before diving into that kind of humor to be sure she will "get it". Even if let's say she does appreciate an off color humor she migth not appreciate hearing it early on. That will suggest you don't respect her enough to refrain ....

 

Make sense?

 

I for one love an off color whacky humor but i tend to refrain from curse words and being around people who use them because unless it is once in a while and the timing makes sense it is far more effective to be snarky without profanity and shows more creativity.

[Batya33]

I was having a nice first telephone conversation once with someone who contacted me through a dating site. After about 15 minutes on the phone, he proceeded to tell me in detail about his favorite sex and the city scene - it had to do with Samantha performing oral sex. I ended the call a few minutes later with an excuse. When he e-mailed me to ask if I wanted to meet I told him his sexual references had put me off and I was uncomfortable with it. He responded with a judgmental e-mail about my hang ups. Good riddance.

[JadedStar]

I was having a nice first telephone conversation once with someone who contacted me through a dating site. After about 15 minutes on the phone, he proceeded to tell me in detail about his favorite sex and the city scene - it had to do with Samantha performing oral sex. I ended the call a few minutes later with an excuse. When he e-mailed me to ask if I wanted to meet I told him his sexual references had put me off and I was uncomfortable with it. He responded with a judgmental e-mail about my hang ups. Good riddance.

 

I had a VERY similar experience with someone from a dating site. he seemed nice enough but i mentioned how much i enjoyed american idol when he asked me what tv shows i watched and he went into how "well endowed" a contestnt was. Then i sent him a pic of me at his request and my last name starts with a D and i had my first name and that initial as the name of the pic and he says "what does the D stand for, wink wink". This was all during the course of an IM convo. This was our first or second IM chat.

 

I made little excuse, i just said "I gotta go" immediately after that last comment and removed him from my IM Buddy list.

 

Kevin, I am a really liberal person, and i really have a whacky sense of humor, but even I would be very turned off if a guy i just met as a potential dating partner didn't have a mental gauge well enough to realize until he really knows me well it is best to stick to more neutral and safe topics.

[Raize]

na its not all your responsability!!

 

50/50 like has been said. if your chatting with someone and all your getting is quick 1 word replys , or there not making any conversation its not your fault, you probably just dont click.

 

Yeah that was unfortunately the vibe I have had in a recent situation with a girl who apparently liked me also. I kept feeling like I was asking all the questions and just getting short, simple answers and no questions in return, friendly as She is though.

 

It kinda feels like playing a game of tennis and the other person keeps catching the ball instead of whacking it back.

[silentbutdeadly]

Different people have different speeds of developing talking skills this makes me sound like im a great talker but really im terrible at communicating those skills I would be lead to believe are alot to do with the environment who they are around and how much talking gets done but if your interactive unlike me in your daily routines then it should be no

 

problem I also find people who have a good memory are good at bringing back topics from the past however, I find that annoying when its memories who wanna forget.

 

However if anyone has any good ways in making completely new and spontaneous conversation topics that are that are stemed completely from adventuality of the brain and made up on the spot ...holla

[Superfreak]

On a date things should be more equitable. However when doing a completely cold approach, lets say you see a woman in a place thats usually not very social such as a store in the mall (rather then a social gathering like a party) and you decide to talk to her, you should be prepared to contribute 90% of the conversation the first few minutes.

 

This is because the girl probably wasn't expecting to be interacting with anyone and so even if she likes you she might have a bit of a "deer in the headlights" thing going on and has to be given some time to acclimate to the fact that someone's talking to her. Until you "open her up" what will probably happen is that she'll give pretty short and abrupt answers for the first little while and then eventually her guard will be let down and she'll relax and that's when you go in for the number.