kuiks8 Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 So my husband and I are now separated. He seems to be stalling with the financial bit of things...I have said before that even though I was the one who initiated the split he seems to be taking it way better then me. Every time we talk I end up going away from it feeling about 2 feet tall and completely worthless in his eyes. I desperately want NC but he has control over all the finances etc so I need to be talking to him right now. So my question is how to I protect myself from this horrible feeling I come away with after all of our interactions while we still have to talk... Link to comment
Mlost Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 Are you able to keep it over email? My STBXW and I still have to deal with joint accounts and all that, but it's all email. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 Maybe it would be best to contact him electronically. That way there is little emotion and mostly facts exchanged. You will also be able to save them just in case there is a dispute later. I was the one getting dumped after 20yrs but I seem to be handling it better than she is, right now anyway. Not to make her feel bad but to protect myself and start to heal. He probably doesn't want you to see how hurt he is and goes out of his way to project the oposite. Link to comment
kuiks8 Posted April 24, 2008 Author Share Posted April 24, 2008 I guess email does make sense...ironically for how much time I spend on this site i really don't like corresponding thru email on those kind of issues but for this case it probably would be best.. Thanks lost that is what everyone keeps saying that it is self preservation but my word it hurts that in less then 2 weeks he has become indifferent to me and what we had... Link to comment
richmonder80 Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 Im sure he is putting up a front to make it seem like nothing is bother him, but Im sure it is hurting him inside. It is our natural reaction to not let ourselves be seen as weak, hurt, or out of control. Im sure he has some anger and resentment towards you given that he didn't want to end it, so he could be projecting that anger/resentment onto you when you guys have to speak to each other. I think email would be the best option...keeps it more black and white. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 kuiks8, Try watching a faithful wife and mother turn into someone her own mother would be embarrassed by. Human nature is to try and hurt the other person as bad as they hurt you. I know I started down that path at first but I love her to much to try and punish her. Link to comment
Rhonda 2 Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 Kuiks- Can you deal with your ex through your lawyer? This would be so much easier on you and it would provide a lot of leverage should he continue to stall on the money thing. Good luck dear- this may be the best thing thats happened to you. bitter old Rhonda Link to comment
karvala Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 Another thing where possible is to limit the number of interactions, pack as much into each one as possible (so there need to be fewer of them), and have them at a set time, after which you have something good/distracting planned (such as an evening with a close friend or two). Clearly every interaction with someone you had strong feelings for and shared so much with once, and who now appears to be indifferent towards you (though I can promise you he's not really), is going to be painful, so honestly the best way to minimise the pain is to reduce the number of interactions, and put them in some sort of controlled environment where you have a healing mechanism at hand to help you afterwards. Link to comment
tangi39 Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 Perhaps you'd be better off talking through a lawyer. I think he's trying to be a "strong man" as a way of not admitting how hurt he is. Who knows ? He could even be denying his own pain to himself. At any rate, people grieve differently, maybe he just figures the decision's been made so it doesn't really matter how he takes it at this point. I would try to stay as distant as possible, as people suggested just discuss facts and numbers. Think about it as business to keep your emotions in check. Email is a good idea if you're sorting personal things out- but if you're looking for a complete detach, a lawyer would be better. Link to comment
richmonder80 Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 TAlking through a lawyer cost a fortune as they are paid by the hour...meaning, if they work on your case for 10 minutes, they will still charge you the full hour rate. Emailing may be a hassle but it would be the most economical choice. Link to comment
coco3 Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 I speak to my STBX through one of his family members which is much less emotional than speaking with him directly. For problems, like he isn't doing what he says he will or giving me problems, I speak to him through my lawyer. It took me a while, but I've learned that this is the best way, and it's worth a few minutes of lawyer's fees for my own sanity. My lawyer doesn't charge a whole hour for a few minutes conversation, they bill everything in 6 minute increments (i.e. email about issue to lawyer, lawyer emails STBX or STBX's lawyer=6 minute charge, or 1/10 of hour) Definitely worth it. Link to comment
DN Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 Why do you care about what he thinks so much? I ask because I am wondering if you are sure you did the right thing in initiating the separation. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 He is likely putting up a front. I am sure this is hurting him as well. Sometimes you do what you have to do to get through something unpleasant. He is trying to be stoic. You need to worry about yourself...you were not happy in the relationship, it wasn't working between the two of you so it is better that you end things now rather than dragging out the misery for another few years. Since you were the dumper, you are bound to feel guilty and have doubts...just always keep reminding yourself of how you got to the point of calling it quits...why it was an unhappy union....don't let the guilt cloud things and make you second guess yourself. Link to comment
kuiks8 Posted April 24, 2008 Author Share Posted April 24, 2008 Why do you care about what he thinks so much? I ask because I am wondering if you are sure you did the right thing in initiating the separation. I know the separation is the right thing with all of my being...I care that he doesn't because I am not walking away from this without feelings for him...we had an affectionate respectful partnership...For me it didn't end and all of my feelings for him and the life we were making just disappeared...it hurts that this was the only real solutions, it hurts that we couldn't be what each other needed... I just can't seem to handle his total disregard for me and that it seems so easy for him to move on...makes me feel like nothing we had was real or worthwhile..and those were not my reasons for ending things... It hurts my heart, my soul and my self esteem Link to comment
DN Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 Well, I agree with the others who say that he probably isn't doing as well as he appears. It is natural that people expect that when they dump someone, especially a spouse, their ex will be devastated. It's as if people think "Hey! You were supposed to love me forever and never get over losing me". That's partly ego and partly pride and it happens a lot. But what dumpers sometimes fail to realise is that their ex may have seen this coming, at least on some level, and mentally prepared themselves for it. So they may have started the grieving, or moving on process, some time before the actual split and so they are further along than the dumper may have realised. It doesn't negate the relationship nor does it mean that there was nothing worthwhile. It might serve you if you do your best to take the view that, since you still have a care for him even if you don't have love, then you can feel glad that the divorce process might be going better for him than a worse case scenario where he became depressed or even suicidal. As I said, you feelings are natural - but it is in both your interests to view this more positively than negatively. Link to comment
richmonder80 Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 I know the separation is the right thing with all of my being...I care that he doesn't because I am not walking away from this without feelings for him...we had an affectionate respectful partnership...For me it didn't end and all of my feelings for him and the life we were making just disappeared...it hurts that this was the only real solutions, it hurts that we couldn't be what each other needed... I just can't seem to handle his total disregard for me and that it seems so easy for him to move on...makes me feel like nothing we had was real or worthwhile..and those were not my reasons for ending things... It hurts my heart, my soul and my self esteem But how do you expect him to feel? Do you want to see him hurt or miserable without you? Would that make you feel better? Im not trying to be insensitive but you were the one that decided to end the marriage. He is just trying to make you hurt for hurting him...it is our natural defense mechanism. I know it is harder than said, but hurting now is part of the rehab process. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 That is so true. Sometimes the excruciating pain, the tears and the anger occur during the long drawn out disintegration of the relationship so that by the time the dumper puts the final nail in the coffin, the dumpee is already in acceptance mode, sick and tired of feeling like crap and more than ready to move on to a brighter future without the pain and uncertainty. Link to comment
kuiks8 Posted April 24, 2008 Author Share Posted April 24, 2008 That is so true. Sometimes the excruciating pain, the tears and the anger occur during the long drawn out disintegration of the relationship so that by the time the dumper puts the final nail in the coffin, the dumpee is already in acceptance mode, sick and tired of feeling like crap and more than ready to move on to a brighter future without the pain and uncertainty. That is very valid...it was a long time coming. I spent 6 months saying how unhappy I was...I just have to keep telling myself its a front and its better then him hurting as much as i do...I don't want him to hurt, truly I don't... Thank you DN and CAD Link to comment
JadedStar Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 Try to communicate thru email only. It is a bit less emotional and will help you not have to deal with seeing him face to face. I agree that sometimes the ex sees it coming and has been mentally preparing for the split much longer than the dumper realizes, making it seem thta they bounced back awfully quick. Link to comment
kuiks8 Posted April 24, 2008 Author Share Posted April 24, 2008 He just called me...i hate this...I hate how i feel after we talk...I feel weak and worthless...my head says you guys are right...its a front but my heart it hurts...it hurts to feel so disregarded to question if you were such a horrible person and wife that within a weeks span he could move on so quickly... I want to come out of this strong and focused on my future believing in my capabilities but every time we talk I feel like a piece of crap...I feel worthless and rejected...oh the irony right... Link to comment
JadedStar Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 I suggest you read the book "Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars". I dont agree with EVERYTHING in it but it does give you a better understanding how men handle conflict as opposed to women. It is not an end all be all, however. Some men are not like that but it gives a general idea of the different ways the genders handle conflict and gives you a better understanding that just because a guy can look like everything is a okay on the outside doesn't mean it is on the inside. But i have to ask tho - since you initiated this and have been thinking about this for quite sometime, would it really make you feel that much better to see him falling apart? Link to comment
kuiks8 Posted April 24, 2008 Author Share Posted April 24, 2008 I don't want to see him falling apart...I don't want to hurt him but I want to know he couldn't switch off all of his feelings for me in the span of a week... Link to comment
Portage Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 Self preservation and pride. I would do the same thing in his shoes. You can't have spent time and marriage with someone and totally cut off all emotion. You can bury it and it can resurface in certain actions or behaviour later down the road. It sounds like distancing himself is in his best interest. I think when you close the door behind you, well, part of you wants to see that crack because the unknown isn't just exciting and new....it can be daunting and scary. I've been in your shoes. It has its pros and cons. But the good outweighs the bad in my scenario. I wish you luck. Link to comment
DN Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 I don't want to see him falling apart...I don't want to hurt him but I want to know he couldn't switch off all of his feelings for me in the span of a week...As has been said, it is unliely that he did. I suspect it is partly because he was somewhat prepared and also because he has put up a defensive shield and is guarding his emotions. It could be that he feels if he starts to show any emotion he will fall apart and wants to keep his self-respect. To be very honest with you, I think you are being just a tad selfish over this - or at least not seeing things from his perspective. It's understandable and perhaps selfish is the wrong word - but you are the one who bailed on the marriage so it seems a little more understanding of his feelings might be in order. Link to comment
CallingAllAngels Posted April 24, 2008 Share Posted April 24, 2008 I don't want to see him falling apart...I don't want to hurt him but I want to know he couldn't switch off all of his feelings for me in the span of a week... He's gonna hurt and you're gonna hurt... I didn't see in your thread if you have gotten an attorney or not yet. The road you are on is a LONG one...not one I would wish on my worst enemy. I don't believe there is anything "amicable" about divorcing or separating. I mean, basically you are telling each other RIGHT NOW that you DON'T want to be together. If you initiated that, you have to understand that was a SLAP in his face, NO DISRESPECT to you. IF he initiated it, well, then you know it felt like a slap in the face to you. He is NOT over you yet. He is just NOT gonna let you see him bleed. OF COURSE you feel like crap after you talk/see him. You just don't stop loving someone over night, even if you can't be together. Have as LITTLE contact with him as you possibly can. I agree with everyone here who says email is the way to go, UNLESS you can get an attorney. My divorce was SO hostile that we communicated thru attorneys only. Sometimes, that is the only way. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's not pretty. It's life. It is what it is. ~Allie Link to comment
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