BIG DEVELOPMENT but trying not to read into this...

[rapunzel]

Interesting evening I had last night. My ex and I had to attend a work dinner together. I got there first and when he walked in there was a seat next to me, he asked me if he could sit there and I said, sure. We had a pleasant dinner chatting with each other and the other people there.

 

When we left we were standing in front of the restaurant. He said he would walk me to my car, and when we got there he asked me if he could talk to me. With some trepidation I said OK. We got in the car. He started to spill his guts, apologized profusely for the way he had behaved and that he felt terrible about it, about hurting me. And went into a lot of detail about how this is his pattern and he's really starting to come to grips with it, he's done this in his past rel'ships. How he stresses and worries a lot, he has his whole life and how he should have just communicated with me rather than just fleeing and letting his worries get the best of him. He said that when we were together it was "intense". And how sitting next to me tonight made him realize more about our time together, or something like that. He said his vacation, the one he had invited me to and then disinvited me to, was a nightmare and he left after 3 or 4 nights. He said he felt lonely, isolated, emotionally drained, etc...what made him think a vacation ALONE was a good idea. He was very sincere and heartfelt the whole time, said he considers me a friend, despite what has happened. I told him I appreciated what he said and thanked him for telling me. We talked for at least an hour. He touched me on the leg at one point and kissed my hand before he left. Then before he got out of the car, he gave me some pretty major eye contact saying "I think you're a wonderful, beautiful person. And I hope we're going to be friends for a long, long time." It felt good to hear that, really good but despite my heart leaping, I reminded myself that it doesn't mean he wants to get back together.

 

I was proud of myself, I didn't drink any alcohol at dinner so I could be lucid. So I was soooo tempted to touch my ex when he was talking as he REALLY opened up and was quite emotional. He revealed a lot about himself, deeply personal stuff. How this past year has been really rough for him dealing with this stuff. I wanted to reach out and touch his hair, caress the back of his head (like I used to all the time when we were dating) but I restrained myself. At the very end I just touched his shoulder briefly, kind of a reassuring brief caress.

 

He again used the word "friends", which he has since the very beginning of our relationship. So I know it doesn't MEAN anything, and am trying to just take it for what it was, that he finally talked to me. That it was just a conversation. But THEN he asked me if I wanted to drive down to our rehearsal today with him, as it's about 45-50 minutes away. I said OK. I really hope I don't "run" with this and am REALLY trying to keep my head on straight.

 

I know actions speak louder than words and right now I'm paying attention to his words but I'm trying to make sense of his actions as well.

 

Anyway, it's been such a long haul since he broke up with me in August and I've done NC as best I could despite our working together. We only had ONE brief talk about our relationship back in early December. I stopped crying about this within the last few weeks and pretty much accepted it was over. I felt at peace, knowing there was nothing I could do about it and was moving on. I feel good about that. But now this conversation last night has gotten my head spinning a bit.

 

So I'm looking for support, thoughts from ENAers. Thanks for reading!

[CrapAtNC]

That's GREAT!

 

Just don't jump back in too quickly - pull back a little - gently tease that big fish back in.

 

It seems you got this from him because you held back a little (actually, quite a lot), so don't blow it all and overreact to his current overtures. You want more, so keep on doing what you're doing. You're worth it - nothing less.

 

Looking forward to reading more positive developments.

 

Good job!

[rapunzel]

Thanks CrapatNC -

 

I utilized some of your nonchalantness at dinner. Maybe it had some kind of effect!

 

No, I'm not going to jump in to ANYTHING. To me, this was just a conversation, him unloading his stuff. It could be just about him getting rid of his pent up guilt. I'm glad it happened but I can't READ INTO IT. I'm even a little concerned about agreeing to drive with him to the rehearsal. Part of me is wondering if he was afraid of getting lost as he asked me if I had figured out the directions to the place. But he kind of has to go out of his way to pick me up so...I'll stop analyzing now.

 

No, I'm not going to overreact. Just going to sit back and let it unfold, or maybe it won't unfold at all. Detachment from any outcome is what I'm striving for.

 

It's funny, last night we talked about living in the present moment. Which is something I've been reading about a lot lately and trying to put into practice. He's big into meditation and yoga and I was surprised to hear how much he struggles with his worries and trying to live in the present moment. Outwardly he is so beautiful and seems so together.

[greensleeves]

Please be very careful. I've read some of your other threads and you've been very hurt by this guy. It sounds like you handled yourself very well last night, but just remember that he referred to you as "friends" more than once. I think you're right in that he may have been unloading and trying to ease his guilt to some extent.

 

If your goal is to get him back...make him work hard for it so that he'll value what he has this time. I wouldn't drive to the rehearsal with him....you'll see him there and if he wants to spend time with you as more than a friend, he'll ask you for a date. Tell him that you forgot, but you have to go somewhere after the rehearsal and you'll need your own car. Play a little hard to get..don't let him think he can have you back just because HE'S ready.

 

If you're completely over him and you are truly ready to have nothing more than a friendship, than driving there with him is not a problem.

 

I dunno...just my opinion on it.

[Litgirl01]

I agree with greenslvs...guard your heart. He is telling you that he has quite a few issues right now. You are right...he may just be trying to unload guilt. I know you know what you are doing...I just don't want to see you get hurt again after all the healing you have done! I really hope it works out the way you want it to!!

[EyesOnThePrize]

rapunzel - Sounds like it was an interesting evening. Here's something that I found valuable, maybe its applicable to you, too.

 

4. BE AVAILABLE MINIMALLY WHEN YOUR PARTNER ASKS FOR CONTACT

 

It is reasonable that your partner will try to contact you. They may ask for a chat. Ask, “How long?” Agree to give them half that time. They may ask for dinner together. Agree to give them a short one. They may ask for you to spend the night. Stay only through the evening. Get used to this. Think that you are trying to get a deer to come out of the forest and eat from your hand. You have to earn (or in this case, re-earn) their trust and never lose it again.

 

As others have said, I think going slowly might make sense, and also having you control the pace of things as much as possible.

[rapunzel]

Thanks for your replies...Greensleeves, no I'm not completely over him. So your words of caution are well taken.

 

Hmmm...I'm not sure how to handle this riding together thing today....it is a long drive - maybe as long as an hour, so it makes sense that we drive together. But I hear what you are saying. I was invited to a dinner party that I didn't think I'd make due to the length of the rehearsal. And I need to get a lot of sleep for our show tomorrow so I was going to skip the party and just come home.

 

That said, I am being very cautious.

[rapunzel]

rapunzel - Sounds like it was an interesting evening. Here's something that I found valuable, maybe its applicable to you, too.

 

 

 

As others have said, I think going slowly might make sense, and also having you control the pace of things as much as possible.

 

thanks Eyes...I feel weird turning down the riding together thing though, after agreeing to it. Or when he calls this AM I could suggest we drive separately since he does have to come a bit out of his way to come to me.

 

Maybe I can go through with the plan to drive down with him, and then just become more unavailable after our show tomorrow night?

[EyesOnThePrize]

Thanks for your replies...Greensleeves, no I'm not completely over him. So your words of caution are well taken.

 

Hmmm...I'm not sure how to handle this riding together thing today....it is a long drive - maybe as long as an hour, so it makes sense that we drive together. But I hear what you are saying. I was invited to a dinner party that I didn't think I'd make due to the length of the rehearsal. And I need to get a lot of sleep for our show tomorrow so I was going to skip the party and just come home.

 

That said, I am being very cautious.

 

Rapunzel - You could always drive yourself. You could call him and thank him for the invitation, and then say "I have plans afterwards, and it will be easier if I just drive myself." I think it doesn't matter what your plans are, or even if you have plans, just that he thinks that he's suddenly not critical to you (nonchalance). If you have to actually "have" plans, then maybe arrange to meet a girlfriend for drinks or dinner, or buy a movie ticket in advance. I wouldn't recommend arranging something with a guy friend. I think you want to show him that you don't need him, I don't think this is the time to see if he gets jealous. That's just my opinion, and that and $6.00 gets you a general admission ticket to a Las Vegas 51s game.

[EyesOnThePrize]

thanks Eyes...I feel weird turning down the riding together thing though, after agreeing to it. Or when he calls this AM I could suggest we drive separately since he does have to come a bit out of his way to come to me.

 

Maybe I can go through with the plan to drive down with him, and then just become more unavailable after our show tomorrow night?

 

heh...I was just responding to this...I'm psychic.

[Litgirl01]

Just seems easier to find someone else...

[Addicus]

Wow..I am happy for you..guard your heart but feel the power you have ...feel empowered!

[greensleeves]

Rapunzel - You could always drive yourself. You could call him and thank him for the invitation, and then say "I have plans afterwards, and it will be easier if I just drive myself." I think it doesn't matter what your plans are, or even if you have plans, just that he thinks that he's suddenly not critical to you (nonchalance). If you have to actually "have" plans, then maybe arrange to meet a girlfriend for drinks or dinner, or buy a movie ticket in advance. I wouldn't recommend arranging something with a guy friend. I think you want to show him that you don't need him, I don't think this is the time to see if he gets jealous. That's just my opinion, and that and $6.00 gets you a general admission ticket to a Las Vegas 51s game.

 

I agree with Eyes. You don't actually have to have plans. Your plans can be to go home and have a bubblebath. An hour there and an hour back alone in a car with him...are you ready for that?

[rapunzel]

Thanks Addicus.....

 

I'm really torn about this driving together thing....what to do, what to do...

 

I hear what everyone is saying...but it's almost 8 months since break up. And I'm tired from not sleeping all that well last night. I'm relieved in a way that someone is going to drive me to this rehearsal today! And we're playing with some heavy hitters, so I want to be on top of my game.

 

Driving an hour may make me feel drained, on top of trying to find the place....

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It sounds like you have both feet on the ground and you are very aware of the deal. I agree that it sounds like he just wanted to unload his guilt. If you suddenly act like pals then he has no incentive to fix himself and change his attitude. He got it off his chest, kept mentioning the word "friends" and if you bite and act like friends, then you will indeed be friendzoned. I think you need to continue to be aloof. You don't HAVE to be his friend just because that is what he wants...you are not over him, you want something more, so why torture yourself. If you take the lift from him then it will be two hours of small talk which in his mind will solidify the friendship and then it will be much more difficult to back off. Backing out of the life will send the message that you are not really into the whole "just friends" thing. I know it is easier to have someone else do the driving but you should really look at the bigger picture in all of this and the message you want to send him.

[Addicus]

Do what feels right to you. Drive with him then make yourself unavailable for a while....

[rapunzel]

Well he just called to confirm and I haven't figured out directions yet or what, and I felt put on the spot.... so I said OK. I could still change my mind and call him...and tell him I decided to drive myself.

 

My feeling is if this ride together will "make or break" things with us, then it doesn't matter either way, you know? Maybe I'm justifying my decision to myself, I don't know.

 

I hear what you are saying, CAD about the two hours of small talk. But we really haven't talked at all in a few months. Maybe I'll get a better idea of where his head is at after today. Once again, I could be rationalizing...aarrrgh.

[greensleeves]

I agree with everything cad is saying here. I think if your ultimate goal is to get back with this guy what you do right now is very important. Have a nap if you need to, but if you really want him back as more than a friend I don't think you should drive there with him. What cad says about it solidifying the friendship is so true.

[rapunzel]

The other rationalization I'm telling myself is that he did not have to offer to drive with me. He could have easily just said good night, see you tomorrow. I dunno....overanalyzing.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

The other rationalization I'm telling myself is that he did not have to offer to drive with me. He could have easily just said good night, see you tomorrow. I dunno....overanalyzing.

 

But when you are friends with someone you offer them a lift. He had ample opportunity in his discussion with you to tell you that he wanted to try again...he didn't say that...he kept stressing that you are friends.

[rapunzel]

Yes, you're right CAD. So I guess it's not such a big development after all.

 

So it's too late, I can't back out now. He's on his way over here and we're driving together. It is what it is. Thanks for all your thoughtful replies. I'm just going with the flow and if I'm friendzoned due to one ride, then so be it.

[maybesomeday]

My attorney said that to me when asked him about getting a divorce. They are words to live by for me. It put me on a long rocky road, but it helped me get where I am today.

[greensleeves]

Good luck Rapunzel and keep us posted!

[browneyedgirl36]

HI Rapunzel -- You've probably already left for your ride, so good luck!

 

I agree with the others who say not to read too much into this, as he used the word "friends" several times. I think that the fact that you guys haven't talked a lot has gotten to him, and he wanted to clear the air. This means (to me)that he really cares about you, which is GREAT. He doesn't want things to be awkward between you two. He genuinely wants you to be comfortable with each other. Does he want a reconciliation? From what you said he said in the conversation, it sounds like, at this point, he wants you for a friend. This doesn't mean that things might not change someday, but as you and I have discussed before, we can't wait around for "someday." We have to live our lives and move forward. I am concerned that you might wait around for him hoping that things will develop into more than "friends." I know that all situations are different, but in my case, I DID wait around, hoping he'd change his mind, and he *seemed* to be doing that; I got my hopes up more and more as he started calling me, texting me, asking me to lunch, e--mailing me; we even sort of started dating again, only to have him back off, yet again, leaving me hurt and confused. I think that, as others said, your ex is confused; he has a lot of issues based on what he told you the other night. Please, please look out for yourself. I don't want what happened to me to happen to you.

 

As for taking the ride...I don't know about the whole "friendzone" thing. I'm not convinced that taking one ride ruins any future chance you might have. I think, if anything, it might just be a bit awkward for you, particularly after his outpouring of thoughts the other night. Just go, be yourself, etc. Just try not to analyze too much. Tell yourself it's just a ride. It's just a conversation. Keep your expectations low.

 

Let us know what happens!

[EyesOnThePrize]

My attorney said that to me when asked him about getting a divorce. They are words to live by for me. It put me on a long rocky road, but it helped me get where I am today.

 

I think that this is true...if people are not willing to put in the effort to change. I think that people can change, and can change significantly, and that most don't because it is easier to do the same things over and over rather than do the hard work that change requires.