Nonchalance is Your Friend

[Mark33]

Many times we had quarrels because I was seeing everything in negative ways, and she was asking me to stop.

 

She was indeed in most of the ways very emotional and she stood by me, I was the first boy who she made love with, and she calls me the most important person in her past life...

 

I didn't express my feelings to her in the past, but only after she started telling me that we should take a break from our relationship, 3 months ago.

 

We didn't meet at all in the last 4 months, and I was very sure that she will always be there for me.

 

Now it is hard to understand if she was attracted to me more than the simple fact

that she felt for quite a longtime that I was not available for her.

 

When most of other guys were telling her compliments, I didn't.

 

At a point, 5 months ago, she let me discover that she bought a ticket to go and meet with another boy in France.

She cried and she asked for a second chance, to forgive her, that she will not go.

 

I gave her second chance.

Her father died some time ago, she is young and quite ambitious.

And her first boyfriend (1st kiss) dumped her qithout reason 1 year ago,

so she told me she had fear of abandonment. From what I read, many people

with fear of abandonment, abandon first so they don't become abandonees

themselves.

 

She tells me that being with a man that can build a family with her is important for her, and she felt that I could have been that man.

 

Her biggest problem is the same as mine: she wants only the persons that she feels that she cannot have.

 

She loved me very much when I was not available, when she saw that I hurt or that I care, she became quite colder to me.

 

Because we were not a long time together, I know that NC will make us become just 2 strangers.

 

I need to stir somehow her feelings and emotions, through Nonchalance, and I really need your advices, feedbacks , ideas.

 

I will appreciate very much any thoughts and ideas. I never told her yet about my depression, and this is a big issue in the way that as I read more and more about depression, all the things she was not comfortable with from me, were all just

caused by the depression...

 

 

Thank you

[Live-N-Learn]

I wanna talk to my ex so flippin' bad!!! I'm pretty sure I could fake nonchalance by this point ("until I make it") It's just actually having the contact with him. Last time we spoke he said he doesn't mind speaking to see how we're doing. Said sorry if he got nast at the end. But he then said he's running out of phone credit. This was probably 2 weekish ago. And 9 days ago I called him, but he didn't answer. He also never contacted me afterwards. But then I noticed he unblocked me, and my friend, on Facebook just a few days ago. I just don't get it all. I want a chance to act cool with him, and attract him again.

 

Hey JTL, I feel for you my friend. All this new knowledge and no opportunity to shoe the ex must be really frustrating. Try not to feel bad, MOST never get the chance. Thats the reality. I suggest you start using these new found skills on co-workers, friends and family. Develop this art, because it takes some effort to be funny and witty lol.

[Live-N-Learn]

Hey girl, please no more letters. really really really bad idea. the is an old say "that where many words are present, siin is not absent: What I am trying to say is you can never take back what you say in this letter. It will come back to haunt you. I hope you believe me. Now what you can do is show you letter by your actions. Got get funny and witty and make every convo memorable in a positive way! Show them the 5 min version of the new you...trust me this weeks get them thinking . good luck

[just not sure]

Words mean little if anything at all. Better to show that you are different. Demonstrate you've changed. If you didn't see things from his point of view before, start doing it now. It's that simple. Don't SAY you've changed; SHOW it. And be patient. Patience shows non-neediness, and that's DAMNED attractive.

 

all of this is a problem

 

i keep trying to talk to her because i feel like it's all i can do RIGHT NOW, and i'm being terribly impatient because if she sees me making these changes she wanted, and still won't leave this guy after only a month it's hard to see why she'd do so after 2 or 3 or 4 or 5 months....

[Live-N-Learn]

Well, I think three months should be long enough for you to be able to show how much you've worked on yourself since the break-up. Maybe call and say you'll be somewhere near him sometime soon (be specific, of course) and it would be great to catch up. Be prepared to keep it upbeat and brief. As long as you can be upbeat, why not?

 

restlessgirl,

 

I agree with crap...send and text and say hi, I would like to call you tomorrow night at 8pm for a brief talk. Are you available? Cheers ...... Test the waters, if she responds you have possibly opened the door to communication. I did it after 10 weeks of NC with my dumper. She came home and slept with me that night...it was a good day to say the least Anyways you don;t know the results but what do you have to lose? Might as well live without an "what ifs" IMHO

[Live-N-Learn]

I could really use some advice for my date with her tonight. The first time in for months and over 50 times out, she is calling it a date.

 

Here's the situation. As many of you know by reading my post the past few days, things are going really good. Well at the end of the last text today after all the flirting I said we should get a group together to go out tonight. I never heard from so I text to at 8:30pm that her best Jesse and his girl and some of mine friends were going downtown and she should join us. She text back say:

 

Hey! where you been? lol I want to go! I made a promise to go to a bday thing. Hopefully it is lame and I can check out

 

I said OK and maybe we can hook up at the taco stand in the early am l9l. she laughed. Well I did not hear from her all night and did not expect to. I guess I am just really bothered and kinda pissed that she did not hang out with me tonight after saying how much she missed me yesterday! My mind is racing wondering who she is will and is she having sex with some guy and then will act as if nothing happened on our date tonight. I clearly don;t trust her, not a good sign Ugh

 

I don't even want to bring it up because I feel the jealousy coming in. I'm just peeved. I don't even know if I want to go on the date tonight. I am thinking just texting her that I can't make it tonight. This is where I need advice what actions should I take? Am I overreacting I have this pit in my stomach. Talk some logic into me please on what to do.

[just not sure]

the only way you'll know what will happen is if you go. otherwise, the wheels in your head will start turning and you'll make yourself miserable.

[CrapAtNC]

Sometimes, we need to look to them, our exes, for the best way to act. Yours is doing a great job of not being needy, creating a life that doesn't revolve around you, showing that others find her attractive, etc.

 

Take a step back and see it for what it probably is: that she's doing all she can to win you back.

 

If that's true, then the only way it could go wrong is if you deviate off the path of nonchalance, which has served you so well up to now, and start showing any insecurities.

 

Are you one of these people who is afraid of success? Because it seems like you're doing GREAT here but somehow seem inclined to sabotage it all. ;-)

[just not sure]

crap check your pm's

[jenna-is-here]

Crap & Fellow Master's or NonC -

 

Do you think direct and confident is a form of non-chalance? Is it possible to be Direct & Confident without lowering our value? For example,

 

"Im going out of town, when I get back, were getting together?" OR

"I feel I would be very good at this job and look forward to working here"

 

You dont ask, you dont play games, you tell & believe and see the reaction...

 

The confidence could overshadow showing my need for the desired outcome.

 

Does that lower my value because I am showing interest? Can I be that direct and be effective if I dont care about the outcome?

 

Im not doing that but my personality tends to be very direct. So the question is, can I be very direct without lowering my value while still not seeming needy? Maybe it shows me as too available. Oh forget it, I think I just answered my own question.

[The_Seeker]

I don't know if I'm being nonchalant correctly. All I know is I've been laid-back than before.

 

To use one of your examples:

 

"I'm going to go out of town, when I get back, we're getting together."

 

For me, if I were being nonchalant/laid back about it, then I would say "I'm heading out of town for a the weekend. Have a great weekend!"

 

I just end it like that. I'm straightforward and direct with what I want, which at times bite me in the ars. Hence why I decided to be nonchalant about things let things fall where it should be because I'm not married to the person. Hence I can care less.

[Live-N-Learn]

Sometimes, we need to look to them, our exes, for the best way to act. Yours is doing a great job of not being needy, creating a life that doesn't revolve around you, showing that others find her attractive, etc.

 

Take a step back and see it for what it probably is: that she's doing all she can to win you back.

 

If that's true, then the only way it could go wrong is if you deviate off the path of nonchalance, which has served you so well up to now, and start showing any insecurities.

 

Are you one of these people who is afraid of success? Because it seems like you're doing GREAT here but somehow seem inclined to sabotage it all. ;-)

 

Crap,

 

I am not the kind of person that is inclined to sabotage my efforts. I just know this girl really well and believe she would hook up with guy and be dating right now and not tell me. However, I also believe she would also string me along.

 

I may be overreacting but this is not normal for her. She usually would have gone with us last. I also know she is still not home yet which means she spent the night somewhere. I have been with this girl long enough to know id she did not come home she was most likely at some guys house.

 

I will go tonight and try to keep up the path I am on. It is just hard thinking this in the back of my head. I have my reasons for believing this but I could be wrong. I will probe nonchalantly about it tonight if she does not cancel. I will continue to look for signs she is with others.

 

Do you think I have a chance to win her back if I am right if I keep on the path? Do you think she is giving me enough that she may be trying to decide between two of us? I know any insecurities or changes in my actions will run her off so I will not do that. I just can not hang around if she is sleeping with others.

[CrapAtNC]

I agree with The_Seeker (and, I guess, you, jenna-is-here), in that his version is far more nonchalant and forces the ex to come to him rather than just sit and wait for him to come to her.

 

Having said that, I've been direct before. I say things like "If things work out with this girl I'm dating, you and I won't see so much of each other. I know you'll miss me. But that's what you get for being a * * * * * * * ."

 

What you're suggesting, jenna-is-here, is more of an affirmation for YOU. Which I think is a powerful in itself, but not as likely to evoke greater attraction from your ex.

 

(Edit: What? Dumb-thingrhymingwithpass is a cuss word??? Am I going to get another infraction? )

[The_Seeker]

I agree with The_Seeker (and, I guess, you, jenna-is-here), in that his version is far more nonchalant and forces the ex to come to him rather than just sit and wait for him to come to her.

 

Having said that, I've been direct before. I say things like "If things work out with this girl I'm dating, you and I won't see so much of each other. I know you'll miss me. But that's what you get for being a * * * * * * * ."

 

What you're suggesting, jenna-is-here, is more of an affirmation for YOU. Which I think is a powerful in itself, but not as likely to evoke greater attraction from your ex.

 

(Edit: What? Dumb-thingrhymingwithpass is a cuss word??? Am I going to get another infraction? )

 

LOL Oooohh Crap, I'm a girl. ;] Thanks for the compliment! At least I know how to think like a man. Hahaha!

 

It feels good to be single despite the fact I miss my idiot. I'm going to let him play the field for a while. Until he comes back to me. LOL In the meantime I'm making lots of new friends. Thank god for college, but time to get my career and my own place. Oi so many things to do, so little time.

[jellysandwich]

Thanks to Live-N-Learn and KateUK for their advice! I sent her an apology and she replied.

 

Obviously I have no control on this situation so I figured I should post it for further advice before I do more stupid things.

 

 

 

Thoughts? I guess at this point I'm worried about being friendzoned. Or should I not even worry about it?

[The_Seeker]

Thanks to Live-N-Learn and KateUK for their advice! I sent her an apology and she replied.

 

Obviously I have no control on this situation so I figured I should post it for further advice before I do more stupid things.

 

 

 

Thoughts? I guess at this point I'm worried about being friendzoned. Or should I not even worry about it?

 

Right now, all you are thinking is thinking about what she thinks. Stop thinking about what she thinks, start thinking about yourself.

 

O.o Whoa, I used like 6 thinks in those two sentences. LOL

 

I didn't read your full story, so I can't make the right assumptions.

 

I think your ex is giving you a mix message. Especially when she says something like "Don't plan ahead" "I'm busy since I can't be by my phone" and then "Call me if I'm not busy I'm for it." Some spontaneity that is. LOL If you think about it, everyone is attached to their phone. Even when they are busy, they just put it off and ignore it until later.

 

I wouldn't reply to her last message if I were in your situation.

[BeDour]

Thank you very very much CrapAtNC. I'm trying to keep that light feel to our convos and throwing some jokes and light flirting in there. Today I got a phone call and she said she wanted to discuss something. She ended up telling me that she does love me, but right now she can't look at me without thinking about the past and what happened. She said she can't get over it and as far as getting back together, right now it doesn't look good. I responded lightly (but did get a little sentimental) and said "I completely understand where you're coming from. The past is that past though and there's no way I can take it back so let's just move forward." she responded saying that sounds good and we'll just have to see what happens but she can't promise anything. I said "Well I love you very much, but I don't want to dwell on negative things. Just look forward to our sushi feast on Tuesday! (we're meeting up for sushi)". And from there on we just started chatting again and went back to light stuff.

 

I may have slipped up a little, but I caught myself and tried to make a quick recovery. I have to take her "I'm done, this is never going to work" attitude with a grain of salt. She's said this to me the past 4 times we've broken up (we've had some on and off spells), and we've always ended up back together. And we were on that track this time around (got flirty and intimate within weeks of starting to talk again), but then I think she realized what was happened and backed it up. I'll admit she's holding out longer than usual this time, but we've been together for 5 years, so is it safe to say if I continue with just being light that things will shift in my favor?

[okane24]

Crap,

 

You wrote:

 

"So, I just had a nice breakfast with the ex. Spotted a used condom in the garbage--ugh! Remained nonchalant. Made a joke about it (and actually glad she's being careful now, as it shows she's not ready to have a baby with this guy yet, though she did want mine early on). Then I chatted about my sexy language exchange. Then she called her guy her boyfriend for the first time--ugh again!"

 

You are a stronger man than me... I don't know if I could handle if my girl was seeing another guy and I saw that. But I 'm sure with you seeing another girl, it makes it a TON easier to be nonchalant.

 

Just a thought, but would it be helpful if you Dissappear for a little bit? Get out of her life and don't let her back in yours? I know one POSITIVE thing about NC is that it helped me clear my head a little bit about my relationship and if this is the girl I truly love or not...

 

I am in NO WAY fixed or still know what I want... but the first five days of NC did help bring a little clarity. If it doesn't ultimately work out with my current girl, I won't be devastated. I'll be ok...

 

Maybe it will give her a chance to really miss you and value who you are... if that's what you want. I don't know, you just seemed a little bummed about seeing that stuff at her place. You do so many good things for the people here on this site, it sucks to see that you're hurtin too brotha....

 

As for me, yeah, LDR is extremely hard...

 

Funny thing is, its gotten a lot better the last few days. My girl and I have been on LC and she calls and texts me and asks me to do the same. She wants to talk to me more when she wakes up a few hours later today.

 

I am TOTALLY being nonchalant and trying my hardest NOT too be clingy, whiny, and pressuring her. She actually texted me last night while I was out and asked me where I was. I said, the beach...

 

She responded immediately, WHY? Isn't it 1 am there? I waited and called her back about 30 minutes later and reminded her that I live at the beach and the weather is perfect to be at the beach anytime. Made her a little jealous. She usually NEVER asks me what I'm doing or where I'm going. So it was nice that she was actually checkin in.

 

Anyhow, I"m trying to avoid any Serious Relationship talk... We still call eachother honey and babe which I know that means we're still together. I know her well enough to at least feel secure about that.

 

So my goal is to be upbeat and tell her about my future plans. In my International business, I will be able to travel to Brazil and Korea (where she lives) and see her, so I have hope that we can make this work. I want to travel the world with this girl...

 

And if it doesn't work out now, maybe in the future we can be together... if she is still someone I want to be with and love.

 

Right now, I just have to be cool, nonchalant and trust her (she has never given me reason not to).

 

Good luck everyone. Being nonchalant is Saving me and my relationship right now. I hope with continued practice we can build a stronger connection because of it.

[Live-N-Learn]

Well, have not heard from her all day which is not normal. Just tried call her and got voice mail urrrr. Sent her a quick upbeat and nonchalant text about what time she wants to meet for our date tonight. Funny think is I talked to her best friends Jesse who I hung out with last night and he text her today around 11 and asked if they were hanging out tonight (he has a date and is speaking of later tonight at a bar) and she text him back and said yes.

 

This is not unusual since we would most likely hook up with them after going to dinner. So we will see if she text or calls me back and if we are still going or if she cancels.

[Live-N-Learn]

Ok, well she text me back a few minutes ago and we are on for tonight. She said goodmorning...well it is for me . Ima jumpin in the shower and then I wanna see ur ass! So it is clear she was out all night and woke up at 6pm tonight lol My nonchalance will def be tested tonight because I am so curious as to where she was last night and where she spent the night. I have to keep my mouth shut and let the night play out as planned yesterday. I am expecting us to go eat, go out drinking and then back to my house to dance in my superman underwear lol Hopefully it goes as planned.

 

Clearly i am not where I need to be mentally today and am not thinking nonchalant at all. People do not do what I am doing to myself right now this is a little bit of regression back into neediness and insecurity. The good thing is she has no idea what I am going through and I am so thankful she doesn't and I have this board to post my insecurities.

 

Time to get myself in the right frame of mind! I can do this...

[mr_zanon]

Time to get myself in the right frame of mind! I can do this...

Don't forget your brain in the toilet.

[The_Seeker]

Don't forget your brain in the toilet.

 

LOL! Thanks for a great laugh!

[okane24]

Time to get myself in the right frame of mind! I can do this...

 

You can do this bro. Just listen to some UPBEAT music. Call some fun buddies of yours and shoot the ish... Maybe workout or go to the gym.

 

Be cool bro... Act as if YOU ARE THE PRIZE, not her. She has to win you over. That should put you in the right mindset.

 

Good luck man. You can do it.

 

I talk to my girl in a few hours over the phone. I gotta stay strong and not be needy and insecure too. I love the girl to pieces...

[The_Seeker]

You can do this bro. Just listen to some UPBEAT music. Call some fun buddies of yours and shoot the ish... Maybe workout or go to the gym.

 

Be cool bro... Act as if YOU ARE THE PRIZE, not her. She has to win you over. That should put you in the right mindset.

 

Good luck man. You can do it.

 

I talk to my girl in a few hours over the phone. I gotta stay strong and not be needy and insecure too. I love the girl to pieces...

 

Very true. Act like a prize.

 

I should be acting like that if my ex ever decides to contact me out of the blue. I can't believe October is almost here. It's going to be a depressing month.

[Live-N-Learn]

Don't forget your brain in the toilet.

 

haha...yeah I need to go get a plunger and unplug the toilet I think I flushed it along with all my nonchalance! lol the good thing is she does not know only my peeps here on ENA! I am not giving any of you her cell number in case I give some bad advise and you try to get even... haha