My temper may have gone too far.

[Troublewithgirls]

So to begin, my girlfriend and I were spending time with one another like usual. Her friends decided to tag along and instead of taking separate cars, they decided that it would be more efficient to take one (my) car. I complied, although I was quite disappointed that they hadn't offered to drive (I am ALWAYS the one driving her friends EVERYWHERE). I mean, does it hurt to offer or pitch in for gas

 

We decided to hang out in Seattle and by the time we got there it was sometime in the afternoon. For those that don't know know, there is CrAzY traffic. So I was already ticked off about the whole driving situation and with the traffic on top, I couldn't help but get into my "road rage" mode. In this stage, I tend to swear every now and then when a car cuts me off. Well, it got so bad that when my girlfriend reached to touch my face, I said, "don't touch me". Boy... I wasn't even thinking about saying those words, nor am I the type to say such things but there it was. I knew right away that at this point, my girlfriend was feeling no different than I; she was in utter shock.

 

Since I basically killed the day, we drove around without saying a word to each other. When I went to drop her off at her house, I told her that maybe I shouldn't be in a relationship because I don't think that it's fair for me to make her sad when all she gives me is happiness. This isn't the first time that my temper has caused an issue with our relationship. I'm afraid that if I can't fix things now, it will only get worse in the long run.

[DN]

What did she reply?

[Troublewithgirls]

Well, when I told her that I thought that maybe we should take it a notch down, she said "no" and that it's fine. I explained to her my thoughts but she was persistent and told me that we were just having a bad day.

 

When I looked into her eyes though, I could sense that she was distressed.

[SapphireNoir10]

Do you really love your girlfriend? Because after upsetting her, the way to fix it isnt to tell her that your not sure you should be in a relationship.

 

She sounds understanding, an apology from you would have been enough. She might be distressed but thats because feelings can linger even if you do say sorry, the hurt might still be there for a bit. Just give her time. Just work on calming down and not loosing your temper.

[thejigsup]

I understand your point about always being the taxi, but you let that happen. Learn to say 'No' once in awhile. As far as your gf goes, I have done that and it doesn't bode well. You hurt her. That's not nice. Good luck. When I go silent like that, I have one foot out the door.

[arwen]

I think a lot of this would be solved if you would communicate what caused the temper instead of letting it out in another way. You are right in wanting them to chip in for gas and you can ask her to take turns when you are driving.

 

I don't think you shouldn't be in a relationship. Quite the opposite, being in a relationship and being confronted with this aspect of yourself by the effect it has on the one you love will be a reason to change.

[Troublewithgirls]

I see... So being silent is something that should be avoided at all costs. Her and I are each other's first soulmate so we still have many things to learn from each other.

 

I talked to her about the things that lead me to get upset in the first place, including the fact about her friends. I also apologized (the first thing that I did). She sent me a text last night stating how sweet I am (I'm not always a jerk, believe it or not =P), and that I'm going to be her one and only BF, and that she misses me.

 

Pertaining to the love question. You know, I'm really not sure if I "love" her. Love to me is a very powerful word that I don't want to throw around gently. Although I feel like saying it to her, I know that if I truly loved her, I wouldn't be so quick to anger. To my family, which I love dearly, I am resistant to getting upset quickly.

[Troublewithgirls]

Hmm, I'm sure that my temper can get better over time but do any of you guys with this bad habit have any suggestions? It seems that after every argument, I get better and better but the arguments get worse.

 

Also, my girlfriend told me that from me simply being aware of my issue is a good indication that things can get better. I really want to know what I can do to speed up the process.

[PocoDiablo]

Hey buddy, here's my take on it:

 

1. Troublewithgirls. No, you don't seem to have trouble with girls, as you appear to have a sweet and loving GF. The trouble you have is with yourself and your behavior. If you want to keep your GF you have to realize what the expectations of a woman are. And they are that you will behave like a mature adult. The expectations are that you will have self-control which means patience, being calm, not swearing, and not putting yourself in situations where things are going to upset you. It means you back off a little.

 

2. Your driving. When you drive, you have to drive relaxed. Stop tailgating. And who really cares if someone cuts you off? I mean, please. Did he smash into you? Did he make you slam the brakes on so hard that your teeth come loose or you spill your drinks? Well, in that case, perhaps you could have been following at a more safe distance. The point I am making is that if people are cutting you off, chances are you're not leaving enough space for them to do their crazy things. Back off, leave 5-10 car lengths between yourself and the folks in front of you. The reality is that if you were to drive just 3-5mph slower than traffic around you, and you are in the middle lane (or right lane) so folks can get around you, they will go around you and you won't have a thing to worry about.

 

Let's go over things:

 

So to begin, my girlfriend and I were spending time with one another like usual. Her friends decided to tag along and instead of taking separate cars, they decided that it would be more efficient to take one (my) car. I complied, although I was quite disappointed that they hadn't offered to drive (I am ALWAYS the one driving her friends EVERYWHERE). I mean, does it hurt to offer or pitch in for gas

First, they are honoring you by letting you drive because they trust your driving skills better. If you're really so broke that you cannot afford to drive, then you get to ask them for $5 - $10 to help with gas. However, unless you ask, and unless you're dirt broke, this isn't something worth complaining about. It just makes you look cheap and rude.

 

We decided to hang out in Seattle and by the time we got there it was sometime in the afternoon. For those that don't know know, there is CrAzY traffic. So I was already ticked off about the whole driving situation and with the traffic on top, I couldn't help but get into my "road rage" mode.

Because you were mad at yourself for not speaking up earlier. Lack of self control here.

 

In this stage, I tend to swear every now and then when a car cuts me off.

Again, lack of self control. Could you have backed off from the cars in front of you? Of course. Would people have jumped in? Of course. Would it really matter? Nope, plus it would have shown your ladies what great self control you have, since you're not like every other jerk on the road. Get it?

 

Well, it got so bad that when my girlfriend reached to touch my face, I said, "don't touch me". Boy... I wasn't even thinking about saying those words, nor am I the type to say such things but there it was. I knew right away that at this point, my girlfriend was feeling no different than I; she was in utter shock.

Again, lack of self control. Next time, shut your mouth!

 

Since I basically killed the day, we drove around without saying a word to each other. When I went to drop her off at her house, I told her that maybe I shouldn't be in a relationship because I don't think that it's fair for me to make her sad when all she gives me is happiness. This isn't the first time that my temper has caused an issue with our relationship. I'm afraid that if I can't fix things now, it will only get worse in the long run.

So you only have one major issue to work on - did I mention it? SELF CONTROL.

 

Dealing with it is easy. First, you take a deep breath. Second, you tell the folks around you what's going on (i.e., "Hey, just an FYI, I'm just a little stressed with all this traffic, no biggie.") Third, you talk to them like a normal human being and share what's going on. Fourth, you listen to suggestions and TRY them.

 

I know self control is something that takes time to deal with, but you've really got to get it under control. Just practice lots. Go hit the freeway during rush hour by yourself to practice if needed!

[m12988]

PocoDiablo, couldn't have said it better myself. Your relationship is fine, you just need to work on your anger. Face it, things like traffic suck really really bad, but there is nothing you can do about it, and you certainly aren't the only person to think this way.

 

About your girlfriend's friends, how about talk with your girlfriend about it? I understand how it is to be used as a carpool, because with gas prices these days and all. It also would definitely feel awkward to ask for money too. I dont see why any of these people (well, other than lack of a car) can't drive for a change.

[m12988]

Hmm, I'm sure that my temper can get better over time but do any of you guys with this bad habit have any suggestions? It seems that after every argument, I get better and better but the arguments get worse.

 

Also, my girlfriend told me that from me simply being aware of my issue is a good indication that things can get better. I really want to know what I can do to speed up the process.

 

 

Yep, i learned to just chill out. I know i can't control everything, and to be mad about it does absolutely NOTHING. I too used to have road rage, then i realized how stupid i must look yelling at people who can't hear me. I just learned, if i drive more cautiously, i will still get mad when someone cuts me off, but i'm not going to yell. I just take a deep breath and give them a mean look if i can, but it still keeps me calmer than yelling obscenities. Just try to remain calm in an argument, if you both stop yelling and talk in a normal voice, you will find that an argument can and will run a lot smoother. I have tried this myself, and it definitely helps keep the argument "organized" and less heated, thereforeeee you are less mad and don't usually say things you regret later. Your girlfriend is right, it's great that you acknowledge your anger problem, because now you can fix it. You seem very intelligent and caring and i'm sure you can fix it.

[blackpanther]

Just a quick note-

 

Talking about 'breaking up' after that is a definite no no. She probably got more upset at the fact that you snapped at her- then you were silent and finally that you talked about breaking up.

 

If that happened to me I'd get really upset and think YOU really wanted to break up and I'd get scared.

 

Talking about breaking up is never a good thing to do, especially after an argument. If she really wanted to break up, she'd let you know. Otherwise you're just hurting you and her even more and creating fear.

 

I know this from experience- break up talk is really meant for super serious situations such as the actual act- Either you DO want to break up or you don't. Otherwise talk about issues and not breaking up unless it has come to the extremely serious issues of: "If this can't change- we aren't good for each other."

 

My bf has brought up breaking up in the way you have and it scared me to death of any conflict whatsoever because he'll start thinking about breaking up. Not healthy.

[Troublewithgirls]

Thanks for all of the great responses. I'm very happy to see that many people have contributed their ideas to my problem.

 

I am definitely going to work on my temper issues and just try my best to be the best for her. After all, she is someone that I care a lot about. Since I've talked about my issues with her today, I feel that when something similar to this comes up in the future, a lightbulb will turn on in my mind and I'll recall back to this incident.

 

Break up talks are very scary: it scares me even talking about them. I was sincere about it and explained to her about some space to think about my problems. I realize however, that a relationship is a growing stage where my soulmate and I should work out our problems together and get past barriers such as these. Hopefully, I'll remember and don't confuse "off-days" as breakup days.

[Troublewithgirls]

Btw, PocoDiablo, thanks for the nice breakdown. It really helps to get feedback to see things from a different perspective.

 

I thought about it and the starting point seemed to be from the whole "why am I always the one driving" mentality. By overcoming thoughts such as these first, I'll be able to minimize all of the initial anger stages which will hopefully prevent me from getting upset over stupid things.

[PocoDiablo]

You're welcome.

 

One thing I would also point out is that "time apart" to fix things is NOT something you should ever do, in my opinion. If you need time alone, just tell her you're going to go clear your head, find some place you can hang out and talk to other people, and de-stress. Maybe find a local pool hall and play some games, and ask some of the other guys how they handle stress.

 

One other thing to keep in mind - if you're yelling at other people while you're driving, the only person who can hear it is you - so you're calling yourself an a-hole, jerk, stupid driver, etc. I found for me that it worked much better to compliment myself in the situation, such as saying "Dang, I'm a MUCH better driver than he is!" and "Man, I could have cut myself off much better than he did, I would have come much closer and THEN slammed on the brakes and flipped the bird. Ha!" Compliment yourself on how you are a better driver, and chill.

 

For the record, I've been driving for 20+ years, and people still annoy me. The best way I handle it is to slow WAY down and annoy the people who are BEHIND me! I'd rather BE the problem than have to deal with the problem.