meeting up tomorrow -- does he think I'm the dumper!?!

[abnyc]

quick recap - he broke up with me 7 months ago after 2 years, 1.5 yrs living together, left me because he "didn't know if he wanted to marry me anymore". we didn't see each other for 5 months until 3 weeks ago, had great time, been IM'ing for last 6 weeks.

 

so after the 5 days NC, then the 2 days of him initiating texts, i took a gamble.

 

I initiated an IM today, we chatted for a bit then i said, hey lets meet this saturday for a couple pints at a local bar (we live 7 blocks away). he said his brother from out of town was staying with him this weekend so he wasn't free. I said ok. Then 5 mins passes with no IM and he writes, but i am free tomorrow. I told him i had a work event at 9pm, but we could meet up before. He agreed.

 

I guess i am nervous. i don't imagine that "us" will come up, it hasn't at all, but i am just freaking out because i don't want to do anything to cause a step backwards. i never thought we'd be at this point again, things were so raw and angry the few months after the break up.

 

BUT... this is my dilemma. I re-read all of our angry emails from 6 months ago, and something stuck out.

The facts : i wanted to know that he still wanted to marry me. He had talked about it about 3 months into the relatinship, even took me ring shopping and got me a "placeholder ring". I thought it was a sure thing. A year goes past, I jokingly inquire about getting engaged that xmas, he freaks on me and says "how could i think he was ready!?!". we have big fight, put it behind us. a few months after that his dad dies, its tragic, i want to be there for him, he starts to pull away, i freak out that i am not being there enough for him, but he's not telling me how he feels, even when i ask, i feel helpless. a few months after that, about 4 of our friends get engaged. its been 6 months since his dad's death, i feel its safe to gently bring up where we are headed. its been almost 2 years. he freaks on me, i get scared he's never going to do it, i push the topic a few weeks later, he announces "i dont' know about anything anymore, even if i want to marry you". I am crushed, try to leave, he insists i stay, i think we make up, 3 days later he comes home from work and breaks up with me. I am a mess, pack my things and leave, crushed and a mess.

 

so i was re-reading our old emails after he agreed to hang tomorrow, and i really think he thinks I broke up with HIM!?! He said on 3 separate emails that "I was the only one that ever talked about leaving, and that he didn't throw me out". and that "I left him alone, I left." which from my reccollection is not what happened. I saw it that i had no choice but to leave, he told me he was done, i was crushed.

 

so my question is... could he see me as the actual dumper!?! am i the one that has to bring up getting back togheter in his mind!?!

 

i am confused. help.

[Litgirl01]

Grief sometimes makes people freak out...that might have something to do with his behavior. My ex started to question our relationship after the death of someone close to him. He pulled away and then broke up with me. So, I'm left reeling...not knowing why. It might very well be the death. I have no advice. Just take care of YOUR heart! xx

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think you both fell into the trap that many men and women fall into. He got caught up in the early stages of the relationship when you are still in the honeymoon stage and talked about marriage...you took that at face value. Typically a man who talks marriage early on is just in love with the whole notion of being in love. So, as is typical in these situations, reality set in once the honeymoon stage was over and he wasn't ready for marriage. As a result, your actions were also pretty typical of these situations...you pushed and pushed until you pushed him out the door. Did you ever threaten to leave if you didn't get married soon? If so, he could have broken up because he figured he couldn't give you want you want at that point. Still, you did not break up with him. If you want marriage and you try to initiate reconciliation, then he will think you are fine with no marriage and he has no incentive to marry you. You might end up in the same situation as before. I think you have to wait until he decides that he wants a serious relationship with you with marriage in the cards. If you approach him on this, you will remain in limbo.

[abnyc]

wow, thanks crazyaboutdogs -- i think you hit it on the head. you're right. its his court. as much as i still love him that's my worst fear, that we get back together and a few years down the road, I'm in the same exact position as last summer. i guess i have to go with the flow, take care of myself and if he brings it up, super. if not, i have to continue moving on. i did threaten to leave twice, even packed a bag once, but my heart wasn't in it because i never made it out the door. i just kept hoping he'd realize all i wanted was to hear that he still wanted to marry me someday, and we'd continue on together.

[Litgirl01]

Well said crazyaboutdogs! I was thinking about the same thing myself! I started getting desperate and wanted him back under any terms! Then I thought no way...I want to move forward not backward! Good luck abnyc! xx

[wtm78]

so my question is... could he see me as the actual dumper!?! am i the one that has to bring up getting back togheter in his mind!?!.

 

does it matter?

[abnyc]

so my question is... could he see me as the actual dumper!?! am i the one that has to bring up getting back togheter in his mind!?!.

 

does it matter?

 

well in the sense that the dumper is usually the one expected to initiate the "lets get back together speech". but i feel like, its so true, if i bring it up I am saying that i don't need that level of commitment from him, and i most likely wont get it, even if things are going well.

[wtm78]

how does 2 different individuals from different background, different habbits get together and decide to be together?

 

a leap of faith... and 2 person's commitment.

 

who ever initiate the "lets get back together speech" probably is saying "i still love you". does it matter whether the dumper or the dumpee says it?

 

it may appear to be needy for a dumpee to initiate, but for a dumper to initiate is like saying "opps, i made a mistake, i love you after all", i think its quite embarrassing as well..

 

does it matter who initiates? i think what matters is to know what you want. and keep to it.

[Litgirl01]

Surely there is someone out there who can give you that level of commitment. And you won't always have the thought the he broke up with you at one point on your mind. Seems like that would always be in the back of your mind somehow. I know some people get back together and it's successful. Who knows.... xx

[abnyc]

how does 2 different individuals from different background, different habbits get together and decide to be together?

 

a leap of faith... and 2 person's commitment.

 

who ever initiate the "lets get back together speech" probably is saying "i still love you". does it matter whether the dumper or the dumpee says it?

 

it may appear to be needy for a dumpee to initiate, but for a dumper to initiate is like saying "opps, i made a mistake, i love you after all", i think its quite embarrassing as well..

 

does it matter who initiates? i think what matters is to know what you want. and keep to it.

 

i asked to get back together about a month after the break up. mind you, we had only been arguing and fighting and crying when we had been communicating at that point. he broke down and said that "he hadn't had enough time to clear his head, and that he never promised me we would work it out". I guess I'm gun shy. that was 6 months ago, but it hurt worse than the initial break up. I am scared that if i intiate the "lets try it again" he's just going to shut me down if he's not ready. The fact he's reaching out to me and actually accepting to hang out with me, i feel like he's gotta be the one to bring it up. he did a real good job of NC for 5 months, so now that he's reappeared in my life, its been an unexpected development.

 

The only reason why i got tripped up today is when i re-read those emails the fact he has insisted i had left him made me wonder if the reason he was Im'ing me, happy to chat about everything under the sun except us, was because he viewed me as the one to end it all; thus the one to bring up getting together again.

 

but again, crazyaboutdogs just put a real point in my head, if i bring it up, that means I am accepting that the terms he left me on are ok.

[wtm78]

i feel like he's gotta be the one to bring it up.

 

this is the reason why i say it doesn't matter if he see you as the actual dumper or if you should be the one that has to bring up getting back together...

 

you knew what you you want. i think you should keep to it.

[abnyc]

well we met up last night. it was a fun couple of hours. i guess i was looking for some indication that he still had feelings for me. there really wasn't any.

do i just call him today after work and tell him that i can't just be friends with him?

that i wanted to try again but i get the vibe he's no into it and wish him the best?

help, i'm crushed.

why would he agree to hang if he has no interest in me?

I have never said the words (i want to be friends). never said it at all.

[Addicus]

I would not contact...but that is just me.....I don't think that you need to announce that you don't want to be friends....just take care of yourself. Work on letting go.....letting go just let's you be you and them be them without strings or expectations. Sometimes the things we want right now can prevent us from actually getting what we really want in the future. Think about it this way..put yourslef in the other persons shoes. Say you were the person that ended the relationship, you most likely feel guilty anyway, you did it because of stuff going on in your life or for whatever reason. You need space to clear your thoughts......then the person you are trying to clear yur thoughts about is not allowing you to be yourself......it would make me run a mile or stay away. You see things we do really do not change the other persons actions...if we have told them they know it....now it is up to them to decide what to do with that information. They will do what they want anyway, regardless of all the crazy stuff we do or don't do. Try to focus on your life and just leave the door open.

[rapunzel]

well we met up last night. it was a fun couple of hours. i guess i was looking for some indication that he still had feelings for me. there really wasn't any.

do i just call him today after work and tell him that i can't just be friends with him?

that i wanted to try again but i get the vibe he's no into it and wish him the best?

help, i'm crushed.

why would he agree to hang if he has no interest in me?

I have never said the words (i want to be friends). never said it at all.

 

hi abnyc-

 

I'm sorry the meeting fell short of your expectations but this kind of thing is SO common and it happened to me as well. My ex, however, was flirty and kissed me on the lips which made it very confusing yet months later he still has not expressed a desire to get back together and he just wanted to be friends. He's still flirty!

 

So be glad that your ex did not lead you on with flirtation and it seems based on your post that he probably wants nothing more than friends. You had a fun 2 hours so he very likely is fond of you as a person, as a friend. He does like you. (Just not in the way you want him to. ) This is why he agreed to hang out with you.

 

I don't think you need to explain anything. Don't call him, don't contact him. Just disappear. If he contacts you and you want to tell him you are not ready to be friends, then you can choose to do that if you want. If he contacts you you can then wish him the best. Just let it go for now, it's really best to just let these things go because if you call him, you may get into a conversation you don't want to be in, you may feel rejected all over again and most likely you're going to feel WORSE.

 

Last night is over, it's now the past and just a memory. It was fun, right? Just go with that. Be glad the last memory he'll have of you is a fun evening. Let him come to YOU. If you call him he will most likely feel pressured. Keep moving forward with a positive attitude that things are going to work out for the best and your future is bright and brimming with possibility.

 

Take care and remember to do positive affirmations about yourself every day!

[renaissancewoman101]

He probably enjoys your company. Did you have fun when you hung out with him? Could you tell if the feelings were completely dead? I wouldn't completely cut him out of my life. Maybe ask him you guys can try again. I dunno.

 

I don't know how the other two posters can just walk away like that (no offense meant) and just let it go. If I cared about someone, I would fight for them (and no I don't mean in an obsessive way). I don't let things go easily out of my life, especially if it meant something dear to me in my life.

 

To me, relationships are a rare treasure.

[wtm78]

abnyc,

 

it must feels horrible when you love someone and you dont get the same amount of love back... it is painful...

 

do i just call him today after work and tell him that i can't just be friends with him?

that i wanted to try again but i get the vibe he's no into it and wish him the best?

 

you have a few options.

 

1. verbalise - you can tell him you want to try again but you dont think he is interested so you cant be friends and want to NC.

 

2. non-verbal - you can just let you actions show. slowly but surely be less responsive. when he feel that he will back off... this option you need to be determine.

 

3. disappearing act - just go NC without telling, without announcing

 

why would he agree to hang if he has no interest in me?

I have never said the words (i want to be friends). never said it at all.

 

you never say you want to be friends, but he might not feel the same way.

[rapunzel]

yes I agree that relationships are a rare treasure but they cannot be forced, they have to unfold gently if they are being rebuilt after a break up.

 

Certainly abnyc can call and ask her ex if he wants to try again but her gut feeling from their night together is that he doesn't want a romantic relationship with her. So it is a risk for her emotionally to go out on a limb like this but if she wants an answer, and possibly some closure, then maybe it's worth taking that risk.

 

If I recall correctly, abnyc initiated this meeting last night (I could be wrong but I think she did). She needs to step back and see if her ex is going to respond or take any initiative. This is my humble opinion of course. To "fight" even not in an obsessive way can be taken as pressure by someone who isn't sure they want to be in a relationship.

 

They had a fun night and it's time to give it some breathing space. She doesn't need to cut him out of her life she just needs to let him go and see if he comes back to her. Again, just my opinion!

[abnyc]

i agree with all of you. i guess that's why i was torn this morning. there are several options, i chose one of them.

 

I wrote him about a half hour ago and just said

 

"hey, i had a fun time last night, but want to tell you that i wanted to bring up getting back together but i didn't. we were having a nice time and i didn't want to make it stressful. take care"

 

I don't expect a response, i didn't ask for his thoughts, i just wanted him to know that was on my mind. i just want to take this time after I put myself out there in a sense and just not make the 800lb gorilla in the room anymore.

[abnyc]

proud of you...

 

thanks.

 

there really isn't anything else to say. i mean, its been 7 months. He would know by now if he were even open to trying. the silence says more than any words he could write.

 

i don't know if the tables were turned, how i would repsond to the email i wrote, but i think that if I wasn't sure 100% that i was done, i would write back to meet up to just talk about it. We spent 2 years togehter, 2 great years. He should give me the respect of saying, "i know we hadn't talked about it, i was waiting for you, or i am actually seeing someone, i didn't want to bring up us and hurt you". whatever, blah blah blah. just be a man.

 

how would you interpret the no reponse on his end?

[wtm78]

how would you interpret the no reponse on his end?

 

darling, no reponse could be anything. but you are right to say 7 months is a long time to know what should be done...

 

on the other hand 7 months of waiting can be tiring for you. i am sure you needed some answers. but you know that you will not get any. so you can either be cool about it and let time reveals everything. or tell him honestly how you feel and ask him why he decided to reappear in your life. and what ever answer he give you just have to accept it.

 

i fell bad to see you suffer like this...

[abnyc]

how would you interpret the no reponse on his end?

 

darling, no reponse could be anything. but you are right to say 7 months is a long time to know what should be done...

 

on the other hand 7 months of waiting can be tiring for you. i am sure you needed some answers. but you know that you will not get any. so you can either be cool about it and let time reveals everything. or tell him honestly how you feel and ask him why he decided to reappear in your life. and what ever answer he give you just have to accept it.

 

i fell bad to see you suffer like this...

 

thanks again. It was odd because he was asking about my friends that are getting married this year (definetly a sticky subject in the past) and like totally seem interested. and i guess i was hurt, becasue its like, you left me because you didn't want to marry me, are you testing me to see if I'm over it? Like to make him less guilty if I can talk about my friends getting married without being said that we didn't end up down that road.

[wtm78]

i think he is just making conversation. dont read too much into it. just go with the flow. and in due season you will get your answer... dont be anxious, darling.. keep a clear mind. so you can think better.

[abnyc]

how would you interpret the no reponse on his end?

 

darling, no reponse could be anything. but you are right to say 7 months is a long time to know what should be done...

 

 

i am pretty sure that no response means that he doesn't want to hurt me, and "break up with me again".

i guess i just wanted the respect after 2 years of being together that he would at least sit down and talk with me, even if he has no intention of getting back together. i just want to talk about it.

[wtm78]

i guess i just wanted the respect after 2 years of being together that he would at least sit down and talk with me, even if he has no intention of getting back together. i just want to talk about it.

 

why not just be real to him and tell him exactly what you tell me?