Please help with divorced relationship

[Scoe141]

Im a 31 year old male who is dating a 29 year old female. She has been divorced now for approximately 6 months, and has two children (ages 4 and 7). We started dating immediately following her divorce. They were married for 10 years.

 

Our relationship has been progressing at a nice, comfortable rate. This is new to me, since I have never dated a divorced women, or anyone with children for that matter.

 

Her ex is still in the picture, and we have often discussed that. We've also discussed spending the rest of our lives together. Anyway, one night she made a comment about how if she had never met me (which she is glad she did, because according to her I'm the man shes always been looking for etc.), then she would contemplate going back to her ex for the kids sake. She said she still loves her ex, but not in an intimate way. She said she would never leave me for her ex, but just the thought of that bothers me. We did discuss it, and she said I have no reason to worry, and that it was a random thought, and nothing to dwell over. Should I be worried about her and the ex?!

 

Thanks.

[midnightrambler]

i would be worried about her

[ghost69]

just remember the ex will always be around. that is a weird statement for her to make though. i'll say it again. weird.

[judyness]

i would be worried about her just trying to get comfort and love from someone.

 

shes been married since she was 19? so she may not have a job or what not? used to someone taking care of her? just looking for someone to bounce off on.

[PixelPusher]

Well, it might be something to be worried about. Beyond what she said, I'd be more concerned over the fact that you two got involved immediately after her divorce. It's not easy emotionally separating and healing from a marriage of that length, especially with children in the picture. I have a gut instinct that she just bounced from him to you, and that is no fault of yours. Nor should it be interpreted as her purposely doing it. She just was probably very confused and hurt and you came along at the right time. You are just her security blanket so she doesn't have to face the hurt caused by her divorce. But in order for her to heal, she HAS to face that hurt, and move on from it.

 

Now I'm not saying it won't ever work between you. BUT she has a lot of healing to do and it's not easy to do that with another new love (you) in the picture. She needs to really evaluate her feelings and emotions and separate, in a healthy way, from her Xhusband. He will ALWAYS be in the picture due to the kids, so that makes it even more important to know how she feels between him and you.

 

Just do'nt make ANY "big picture" plans with her until she has had a long time to evaluate her feelings. You don't want to end up being a rebound. For what it's worth, I thought I was "over" my Xwife and got into a relationship I swore I thought would work. But I just simply was not fully healed... or rather, healed enough to be a successful partner to the new woman. Thankfully SHE saw and realized this, and broke it off with me. While I was hurt, now in hindsight I see the kindness she did to me. It's been now over two years for me, and I'd say that it took me well over 12 months to heal from my divorce.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Pixel makes some excellent points. It sounds to me like she has not had time to deal with her marriage breakdown and divorce. What she said is not something that a fully healed person would say.

[CallingAllAngels]

Her ex is still in the picture, and we have often discussed that. We've also discussed spending the rest of our lives together. Anyway, one night she made a comment about how if she had never met me (which she is glad she did, because according to her I'm the man shes always been looking for etc.), then she would contemplate going back to her ex for the kids sake. She said she still loves her ex, but not in an intimate way. She said she would never leave me for her ex, but just the thought of that bothers me. We did discuss it, and she said I have no reason to worry, and that it was a random thought, and nothing to dwell over. Should I be worried about her and the ex?!

 

 

Her ex will always be involved, because of the children.

 

But for her to have such intense feeling? I would be turned off by that.

 

Very curious...why did they divorce in the first place? Did she want the divorce, or did he?

[agent1607307371]

I don't think it is an intense feeling. To me it sounds like a statement of practcality.

[Scoe141]

I guess I can deal with the ex, since I have no other choice. She did say that she would never leave me for him, and we do talk about a lot of her feelings, which allows her to be very open with me. We've talked about the rebound thing, and other aspects mentioned above. I think, and would hope she hasnt fed me any BS...(when saying that was not the case)

 

As for the divorce, evidently he was controlling, did nothing for the kids, demeaned her, wouldn't let her work, controlled the money, and was basically a bad father. She divorced him and moved out.

 

As for the "love" comment, he said it as in "I love him because hes the father of my daughters." She has told me she is still healing, and it will take some time. She also said, this relationship with her is not a routine thing, and she would like to be with me forever, and be a second father to he daughters. She trusts me with them, and knows I would be good to all of them. She said that if I wasn't the person I am, she would not be in a relationship. She saw the standard I set, and wouldnt want it any other way. (and no im not pompous, just trying to paint the picture.)

 

Should I be worried about the ex, and is the relationship "doomed' because it was so soon after the marriage??

[RayKay]

I agree with Pixel. In my experience, people whom move so quickly after the breakdown of a long term relationship or marriage are trying to heal the "hurt" in all the wrong ways. Then something sets it all off - a first argument, the divorce papers coming through, a backlash need to be on their own, a further commitment....and they turn out to be not healed at all.

 

She says its "love to someone whom is father of her daughters". I can understand that. Even if someone has hurt you, when they are parent to your children it is hard to not feel ANYTHING at all; after all they are part of those children. I mean, I know while my mother does not hate my father as he is OUR father, she still would never have gone back to him after all he did (he cheated, and after divorce was not best father to us). But...to still want to be with them after all that is a little concerning (his controlling behaviour, etc) as that is not healthy for your children either.

 

I would be concerned about someone whom was stating they would probably go back if they did not have "the better option" or because it was "safer" in terms of not having to establish their own life. I can understand her being scared...she has not been alone in over 10 years....but that is not a good reason to NOT take the time to heal and the fact she has NOT been on her own since 19 is even more reason to get herself on track before getting involved with someone.

 

I don't know, I guess I just get the "first impression" she is with you more as she is worried about having someone (and you do seem to be responsible and a good man) and that you are the opposite of her ex, but rushing the healing process is not a healthy thing at all and it does come back at some point to bite you in the butt.

 

What else has she done since the divorce to improve her life (outside relationship I mean?). Is she working now, or getting counseling for her and her kids, things like that? I am just worried she sees you and the relationship as her "saving grace" of sorts and that is not going to be good in the long run..

[Scoe141]

I don't think it is an intense feeling. To me it sounds like a statement of practcality.

 

Yea, I definitely agree with this... I mean she did spend 10 years of her life with him. Even though, she divorced him doesnt mean she cant love him. She equated it to the love of a family member, like a brother and not significant other.

 

For the last year of her marriage, she wanted to leave him. She fell out of that love with him. It took a few events (like the breaking point) for her to say, "this is it", then she left him.

 

As for getting back with him, she did mention it was kind of like a security issue. Its "what she knows" and its best for the kids. She did say, if I ever left her, she would be devastated and wouldnt want to date anyone else, so she would THINK about going back, not necessarily go back to her ex. She said when shes around him not its not awkward, but that may change someday. She also said, she would always be able to forgive him for anything he's done... (which kind of bothered me). She said I was reading into it too much, and that there was absolutely nothing to worry about. The whole conversation left her in a bad mood, because I sounded insecure about something I shouldnt be.

 

Again, is all of this normal? Its all new to me, as to why I question my insecurities with it... Am I reading into it too much, like she suggested?

[RayKay]

She seems to think your overriding concern is her leaving you for him, or cheating or something.

 

I think rather the overriding concern is that she is not healed and how can she give fully to this relationship when she isn't, or be in a healthy place to have a healthy relationship. That can be as equally a cause of the end of a relationship as cheating.

 

I don't think it is unreasonable at all for you to feel concerned based on what she has said.

[Scoe141]

I don't know, I guess I just get the "first impression" she is with you more as she is worried about having someone (and you do seem to be responsible and a good man) and that you are the opposite of her ex, but rushing the healing process is not a healthy thing at all and it does come back at some point to bite you in the butt.

 

Thanks for the kind words. She started working a full time job, which she loves, has her own place etc. Sure her life is hectic, and financially shes stressed, but she told me she never once regretted leaving.

 

I am really good to her, and we go at our pace. There are no expectations, per say, and we are excellent communicators with one another. She did tell me I am the complete opposite of her ex, and that she often tells me, she wishes I were the father to her children, and that she met me when she was 19.

 

As for the time apart, weve tried that several times, and she couldnt do it... she missed me and us too much. I even stressed it to her, I would wait for her until she healed, but she didnt take me up on it.

 

She does talk about her ex, frequently, which I guess it going to be expected since they did spend half of their adult lives together.

 

Im just looking for something, so that I dont feel insecure about it... and i can not bring it up again, because she doesnt need my insecurities as stress in her life (that is if Im worrying too much, which I tend to do sometimes!)

[Scoe141]

She seems to think your overriding concern is her leaving you for him, or cheating or something.

 

I think rather the overriding concern is that she is not healed and how can she give fully to this relationship when she isn't, or be in a healthy place to have a healthy relationship. That can be as equally a cause of the end of a relationship as cheating.

 

I don't think it is unreasonable at all for you to feel concerned based on what she has said.

 

Well there is also security on her side too... she feels that one day im going to pack and leave because i cant deal with her life and the "drama", which is certainly not the case. Shes worried that I would want to find a woman with no ex, no kids or additional baggage. Unfortunately, only time is going to prove that. I think we all have our fears, and its part of human nature.

 

But how can she heal, and be with me at the same time... is that possible?

[judyness]

I think you need to leave her for a couple months so she can sort her mind out on her own. Having you in the picture is only going to confuse her more.

 

She was with this man for a very long time and shes just seeing you as a comfort zone. A better father to her kids--she wants a dad for her kids.

 

I think its very unstable and it hasn't started out as a healthy relationship.

 

I think no matter what, you two need time apart to see how it plays out.

 

She needs to be strong and be able to handle things on her own. Shes feeling some attachment to her ex husband, thats reasonable, I just don't think she has completely let go of him.

 

You can't let her see you as someone whos pulling her out of her struggles. Shes using for support a tad too much and shes not used to being alone. That could be why she jumped into a relationship so quick. She doesn't know how to handle it and is scared.

 

You should just be a friend to her at least for now. No kissing, especially nothing sexual, just friends.

 

So I suppose she can heal while having you around, but it has to be on a friendship level. Theres no sleep overs, no seeing each other constantly. Its on a friends basis.

[CallingAllAngels]

As for the divorce, evidently he was controlling, did nothing for the kids, demeaned her, wouldn't let her work, controlled the money, and was basically a bad father. She divorced him and moved out.

 

Not a man I think you should worry she would go back to. If she is "tempted", just remind her why she left him to begin with.

 

My best...

 

~Allie

[Aurian]

It is worrying that she talks a lot about her ex though.... Has she done any counselling or suchlike? If she needs to talk about issues with her ex, she shouldn`t be doing that with her boyfriend.

[Scoe141]

Not a man I think you should worry she would go back to. If she is "tempted", just remind her why she left him to begin with.

 

My best...

 

~Allie

 

Thanks Allie- Yea, I know she realizes that there are better men out there, (i.e. me) and that she would never deserve that.

 

As for talking about her ex... well I think thats partly my fault. She wanted to keep that separate , but I was there more of a friend in the beginning, and then the conversations carried over. She did tell me she wanted to keep that aspect of her life out of our relationship, but I insisted that I can play the duel role of friend and boyfriend. My good intentions also hurt me sometimes!

 

We did talk last night for a little bit about it. I basically told her what everyone was saying here. She was impressed and agreed (so THANK YOU!) and was really receptive. She told me, that it wasn't anything to worry about and that that part of her life was separate then ours. I have to give her the benefit of the doubt, yet Im going to keep a little guard up... I guess thats human nature.

[judyness]

Its almost like an ugly person discovering they suddenly got hot after they are with someone. Then after some time start getting more attention and then becoming attracted to that and linger on to it.