3 way sex and love. Would you share a girlfriend with your mate?

[ghost69]

i wouldn't share at all. in love or not.

[enchiladaman]

LOL I think having one girlfriend was QUITE enough trouble and expensive...I couldn't afford or handle two. Imagine being in the middle of their conversations and arguments all the time. NO THANKS.

[moonprints]

funny the TV show was mentioned-- this thread reminds me of the movie "Bandits" with bruce willis and Billy Bob Thorton and Cate Blanchett.

Cate can't choose between Willis or Thorton (who I think are brothers) in this odd situation. (willis/thorton are brothers and bank robbers and at one point Blanchett is their hostage...)

 

Aaaanyway, personally I'm not sure it would be very likely. My fiancee and I have talked about three-ways before and while he would be ok with the idea of a 2girl 1 guy, the idea of a 2guy 1girl isn't as easy for him to swallow...

Especially if you have these two guys picked in your head already anyway, it will be difficult to match your fantasy to what would happen in reality. That said, the only way to know would be to proposition them. Who knows- there are such things as open relationships... it sounds like you would want them to feel safe with finding someone else (in addition to you) if that is what they need... THAT might be more possible than combining the two relationships-- having them both and separate...

 

I don't know. Interesting idea.

Good luck.

 

[tmp0620]

Good luck balancing that out.

 

People tend to like one thing over another, and that one thing won't be too happy when he sees that happening, that's why it's simpler to keep it 1 on 1.

[Lucy__lou]

Ok, so for those who are still paying attention, I have a brand spanking new question for yall to answer!

 

so forget whether or not you'd be into it. Just say you're a man, and you fancy a woman (I mean really like her, also as a friend, you think she's great etc), and she lets you know that she's interested in you, but (if it comes up) she tells you that she's also very attracted to and has feelings for your friend (male friend). She has feelings for you both, and she likes you both for what you are. You're both very different so she sees no need for competition, since you both offer her unique things. She doesn't propose a three way relationship, or even that she date you both without you dating each other, but she doesn't act like she thinks she has to choose. She simply tells you she likes you, and is honest about the other guy if it comes up. Not like a confession, but in the name of being open from the outset.

 

How do you feel about her attitude. Do you back off and wait for her to decide? Do you have a problem with the fact that she's capable of feeling attracted to both of you?

 

If she simply does as she pleases, is warm, offers you her love, and no apologies, how do you deal with her? Do you ask her what's going on? or do you assume she's bad?

 

Just say I get myself in this situation. Do I be honest, and keep whoever doesn't run away? I mean, me naturally, I'd feel no guilt or pressure for loving two men, but how to not have it taken the wrong way that I don't care.??? any feedback would be valued. Thank you everyone for posting.

[Lucy__lou]

Batya, I really wish you'd stay off the threads I start, Like I asked you to in the PM a month or so ago. I haven't forgotten.

[Batya33]

I remember your PM. Just to remind you, I responded to your PM that you can put me on ignore if you do not want to read my posts. I will respond to posts on this forum that I choose to respond to within the rules of the forum of course.

 

Good luck with your situation.

[Lucy__lou]

I remember your PM. Just to remind you, I responded to your PM that you can put me on ignore if you do not want to read my posts. I will respond to posts on this forum that I choose to respond to within the rules of the forum of course.

 

Good luck with your situation.

 

This isn't about rules, it's about respect. I asked you to leave me alone and you refuse.

[Alezia]

I see no problem as long as there no talk of being exclusive in which you'd lie to the guy saying you'd like to be exclusive with him. That's what dating is in the simplest form really. If they assume you are exclusive, that is their fault. They may decide to no longer see you when they know you do not want anything serious, or they might be totally glad that you don't want anything serious as it lets them see other people too.

[Lucy__lou]

yeah, that sounds fair. Except it saddens me that it might be considered serious only if it's exclusive and monogamous. That's what bothers me. The assumptions that polyamory is somehow less.

[Alezia]

Well when you are dating you are just not a couple... not a polyamorous couple either. By that definition, it's less serious. If you want to establish a relationship "status" of polyamorous with the different guys go ahead. I just think it's going to save you some headache of having that conversation, at least until the guy brings up he wants to be exclusive.

[CaptainPlanet]

My friends are scumbags I would not want them touching a woman I cared about.

 

If I didn't care about her, sure, lets go nuts.

[rokston]

I would respect her attitude, feelings and most of all honesty about what she wants (ambiguously defined as it sounds). However, I would only remain in the situation if my feelings for her were limited. Maybe I would care about her as a friend, maybe even love certain aspects of her ... but it would not be real love for me and as soon as I found that I would end the situation.

 

That's just me. But I really cannot imagine deeply and passionately loving someone in the romantic sense and feeling comfortable with sharing... In fact just imagining it makes me feel...unromantic.

 

Also, are you ok with sharing both of the men? I mean by default they should be able to love multiple people too .. This leads to a huge open loop of people sharing some link (each other partner they have also has other partners etc.) I wonder whether that implies serious sexually transmitted health problems???

[Lucy__lou]

Yeah, I'm ok with open relationships where the men could be with others outside. I do worry about STIs and if there's anything in this life that makes me sexually conservative it's that. I'd even look into monogamy for that reason. But for that reason alone. But I really don't want to be like on of those people who shut down emotionally towards others as soon as they have a significant other in their lives. I want to remain open to all people and not close my heart. That's partly what this is about. As well as feeling like two men would make a relationship more social than just one.

[rokston]

The point that makes the other significant is just that. It means that they are exposed to parts of you not commonly shared by others. That you connect in a special way. That's what makes the relationship worthwhile in comparison to your relationship with others.

 

Just because my heart is open to my partner does not close it to other people. They are very much a part of my life - just not that special intimate part. They have their own parts that have a special factor of their own.

 

Why would two men make it more social, why not three or ten?

[Lucy__lou]

well the social comment isn't an important one, but I just usually have more fun socially if there's two than just one, so I figure it could be could to extent the 3 person dynamic into the dating realm... keeps things fun. I also enjoy watching boys interact with each other, so just thinking about fun dynamics really. I like 3. And it also ensures that we don't default into oppressive, monogamous coupledom. I have a fear of it. I have a fear of being put in that role of exclusive girlfriend. Because it's so common in our society, it is often assumed that when you get together (if you haven't discussed exclusivity properly), that you will just default into that role. I am not that kind of girl. I'm not exclusive girlfriend material, and I find that role oppressive. I guess maybe I was hoping that if there was a third person that would ensure that is never assumed. And it might take on the characteristics of a group of friends, so that there would be a solid foundation of friendship to ensure it lasted. I just think differently to a lot of people in what I find healthy regarding relationships. Maybe that's part of why I've been single so long. I don't give out potential girlfriend vibes, that's for sure.

[tylercdurden2004]

So how much of your decision is out of fear?

 

I cant question your decision for be with 2 guys at once in a relationship. Personally it makes no difference to me and I say all the power to you.

 

I will say that making decisions based on fear is one of the worst things a person can do. The decision comes from a place of weakness not strength.

 

Have you been in a monogamous relationship? Have you been in a polyamourous relationship?

[Lucy__lou]

So how much of your decision is out of fear?

 

Well I'd say it's equally out of fear (for lack of a better word), and out of genuine desire for a different kind of dynamic.

 

I cant question your decision for be with 2 guys at once in a relationship. Personally it makes no difference to me and I say all the power to you.

Thanks!

 

I will say that making decisions based on fear is one of the worst things a person can do. The decision comes from a place of weakness not strength.

I agree with your sentiment entirely. But in this instance I am not sure if it's an unhealthy kind of fear, like the fear of commitment or intimacy or something like that... this fear is more akin to the fear of drinking poison, or taking a boring job... basically the fear of becoming something I'm not just because society says it's normal. Honestly, a lot of straight couples I see around, I feel sorry for. I feel like they're just coupling up because they've been conditioned to think that is the path to happiness, and I am skeptical as to whether they are really thinking for themselves and really listening to their hearts. It's rare that I meet a couple and think "wow they're great together, I'm glad they found each other."

 

Have you been in a monogamous relationship? Have you been in a polyamourous relationship?

 

No, even though I'm getting old, I've never been in any kind of relationship other than purely sexual ones. Not that I haven't wanted to have more meaningful relationships with some of my lovers, its just that I'm not really girlfriend material. I'm getting to the point where I think I'm ready to get serious with someone, (or as I said in the opening post, one, two or three). I'm wondering how forthcoming I should be about my potential poly streak. Hopefully it won't sabotage my attempts to form a meaningful relationship with someone.

[Poe]

This is a very unrealistic fantasy. Most likely were two guys to meet you and intend to seduce you, they would never respect you and probably never talk to you ever again after the incident. The guys might bond and high-five each other afterwards, but I could pretty much guarantee that neither would have anything positive to say about you afterwards, and would never talk to you unless either or both wanted sex out of you.

[Lucy__lou]

This is really fascinating to me the whole disrespect that I'm told would follow. You're not the first person to suggest this, and I am hesitant to initiate it even with friends for this reason, even though I don't understand it.

 

Can you explain to me why you would disrespect a woman if you'd had sex with her at the same time as another male friend? Do you think there's something wrong with me (or any other woman) for desiring two men at once? (not that this is what it's solely about)... but can you analyze it for me a little? I accept that it's true, but I think it's really mean and unfair. I respect myself and I expect to be respected, so I can't let something like this just go.

[Poe]

Because men judge women on their sexuality and really, their ability to hold it in check. That a woman of relationship character can hold her sexuality in check, at least outside of the confines of a committed relationship. It similarly implies that a woman who is unable to keep her sexuality in check is a sexually loose cannon and unable to control her impulses. A sexual experience with more than one guy at a time is really the epitome of that, in the eyes of most males, including myself. I had an ex-girlfriend who told me she had done that a few times. I told her that it was really stupid of her to tell me; in about 5 seconds, she was permanently moved from the never to date again category. Women tend to be fairly judgmental about their own things.

 

I was actually pretty annoyed. Why should I waste my time treating her well and trying to impress her when she gives it away for free and so liberally? I felt like I had wasted my time being in a relationship with her. I was the sucker. I still feel that way.

 

Alot of bisexual women claim to enjoy threesome with women instead of men because they can enjoy it without the social stigmas. I think alot of the difference is that most men will have sex with a woman they have no respect for whatsoever. Women tend to have slightly higher standards in that respect.

 

This particular sentiment is actually deeply rooted in society and humanity, the idea being that women are the purveyors of morality and ethics in the family unit structure, since men cannot be trusted to pass that on from generation to generation. That was actually part of the sentiment of women who were opposed to womens "liberation"; that such would impugn her ability to pass these things on, and that the family unit would ultimately pay the price.

[Lucy__lou]

thanks for your honest and well articulated reply poe. Do you think your viewpoint is sexist? Do you think that women SHOULD be the ones to always put on the breaks?

 

And another thing which baffles me is the idea that if a woman has sex with you that it's worth more if she's otherwise quite chaste, I mean, if she's chaste, that's a sign that she may not be a very sexual person, so she's more likely to be a bit boring in bed.

 

Anyway, I'll not give up on this, but I'll be sure to choose guys who are above that stuff, and who worship female sexuality, rather than want to see it tightly controlled.

[Poe]

Lucy, no problem... I just hope you take what I say with a grain of salt. I realize what I am saying is likely somewhat offensive, but I'm telling you the absolute truth without dumbing anything down. Which is what you asked for.

 

Do I think my viewpoint is sexist? Not really. It's more indoctrinated than anything else. And I can't exactly say that I hold guys to a different standard.

 

The idea is basically that a mans sex drive is always on, and really only a woman has the ability to "put on the brakes" as you mentioned. As far as girlfriend material goes... or wife material... Having someone boring in bed isn't the worst case scenario. And I don't think her wanting to be with more than one guy at the same time makes her exciting. Frankly, for me it's a turn-off in absolutely every respect.

 

It's not about controlling a woman, it's about the socialization of sex and its been more or less in the same pattern for centuries. I'm not suggesting you not go through with what you want, just do not expect a relationship or respect out of it afterwards. Whats in it for the guy anyway? I don't think I ever met a guy that gets off on a threesome with another another guy. It sounds like its just raw animal passions, so I wouldn't expect any more or less from it than that.

[tylercdurden2004]

I'm wondering how forthcoming I should be about my potential poly streak. Hopefully it won't sabotage my attempts to form a meaningful relationship with someone.

 

I think this is a no brainer. I mean if you arent up front and honest then you propably will end up hurting someone. Be careful not to let your self interest get the best of you.

 

On the flip side if you arent up front you may not end up finding what you are looking for. Maybe a guy or guys will pass up on you if they want what you are looking for as per your original post.

 

Be clear about your intentions.

[Lucy__lou]

I really hate monogamy. Back when I was more promiscuous, I used to find myself hooking up with a second guy shortly after I'd started seeing a first guy, and then telling the first guy, just so he wouldn't get the wrong idea that I was going to become girlfriend material.

 

I'm not into sleeping around anymore, so I have to express my values verbally rather than proving them through actions. But I fear I'll be alone. But I'd rather be alone than be with a man who wants me to be something I'm not.

 

I think this is a no brainer. I mean if you arent up front and honest then you propably will end up hurting someone. Be careful not to let your self interest get the best of you.

 

Be clear about your intentions.

 

Tyler, do yo think I'll hurt someone if we get together, and I then tell him what my attitude is? Is it my attitude or is it only hurtful if I go through with it. I mean, realistically, I'm highly unlikely to actually get what I want. But I want to find someone who will love me for who I am, and than includes my poly streak. If I met someone, fell in love with them, and then found that they weren't able to share me, I'd either conform or I'd break up, I'd never cheat. Is it hurtful just to have a poly streak and be honest about it?