What to do...

[deleted_x]

Ello there, Im Omar... your atypical 19 year old male. I've been going out with my GF for about a month, and we went out once before for roughly the same amount of time.

 

We've talked about a lot of things together, about the future and things we want to share together, and just about everything under the sun. We've opened ourselves to one another perhaps more than we have to anyone else, even though we've only been together for a short time.

 

The relationship IS LDR which adds an enormous strain to it on both sides. We both crave physical attention and the human touch and so on and so forth. Though we may love each other and stuff while being LDR, we do often get lonely and sometimes even depressed. Though that seems to go away rather quickly when we are together, in person.

 

Now here's the thing.

 

I am very stable in comparison with her. If I tell her I love her or have great feelings and would like to make a relationship work with her, I stick to the course. Not because I feel obliged to or anything, but perhaps because I have a better control of my emotions and feelings than she does. So her on the other hand, being much more unstable than me, shifts sometimes in and out of love with me as well as much more.

 

Recently she contacted me and said that we will need to talk, but not now. Being suspicious of her tone, I asked her if it was bad, about us, and about our relationship. All yeses. So I asked her if it was about breaking up. Once again, yes.

 

We haven't spoken further yet. She also hasn't told me many of her reasons, aside from her being more "gay" than she thought she was and her needing to be alone so she can become strong. Ok the gay thing, I can understand. If Im not good enough or attractive enough, or whatever else - something I cant control at all, then ok, I guess I can cope with that. But not being able to be strong WITH me? The only word that came to my mind when she said that was "bullsh*t". To me, being strong is a choice you make, and I very much try to enable her to be strong - though she is very stubborn, so she has to first choose to want to be strong for me to possibly be able to help her.

 

Well Im rambling abit so Ill try and cut it short now.

 

I know that we can have a great relationship together. I've seen it twice. It was amazing while it lasted each time. We also have many similar goals and plans and wants in life; basically we are very much "headed in the same direction".

 

She seems very determined (from when I last spoke with her) to break up. However, that may or may not change - only god knows.

 

So the question is, do I let it all go? Just let the relationship slip out of my hands without doing anything? Or do I try and fight for it? Do I try to get her to make the small effort it would require of her to make our relationship freaking amazing (being open and honest).

 

I feel so lost and a part of me feels like breaking down and crying, well no, a part of me already is broken down and crying. I dont want to lose her, I really dont. Shes come to mean so much to me.. but at the same time, it almost feels as if ive got no fight in me right now... i feel just completely crushed.

[JeckyllNHyde]

I would never get into a relationship with anyone who didn't have a vision or slight vision of the direction they wanted us to be going in.

Otherwise you pretty much get a person who was ME 1 year back. A lost girl just going thru life.

She has to know: does she want a relationship or not? And does she want to make it work with you? Yes/no?

A relationship isn't something she can just jump in and out of.

She is lucky she even got a second chance. I know so many guys who say once it's over.. it's OVER.

[deleted_x]

Well going into the relationship the second time around, I had thought she changed greatly from being as unstable as she was the first time. We had both been talking prior to going into the relationship, told each other that we love one another, and both seemed to be very set on making a relationship work.

 

For awhile she would look into things like articles for couples and such stuff, stuff thats supposed to help foster a relationship between two people. She always seemed to get excited by that kind of stuff, and I did too, but for whatever reason, we typically only did that stuff once or twice before completely neglecting it.

 

After awhile I began wondering if the relationship will be sustainable as it is currently going. But a the same time, I felt like I couldn't say anything BECAUSE I didn't want to seem to be manipulative or anything like that. She had bad experiences in the past with being manipulated and because of that, I try and steer clear of doing things that could simply be seen as being manipulative.

 

She does seem to be lost right now, but I am actually fine with that. I would like to help her find herself and so much more. I cant even begin to describe how much I care about her or how much I want to do for her (out of caring).

[JeckyllNHyde]

I understand.

Maybe have a talk with her.

Look like, I myself was a "lost girl".

When I wasn't in a relationship I wanted to be in one. Yet when I would find a nice guy (very rare), months into it I know I would get fed up and bail or something like that.

I met a new guy recently and he sorta re assured me we would make it work and things are going to be great. So in a way that gave me more motivation/strenght to want to continue being with him.

Especially in the beginning I was pretty confused, unsure if we had jumped into a relationship and wondering if I could remain in one.

I think I am finally at that point though where I know I want to be in the relationship.

Thanks to his optimism about how great he pictures things can be with us. I now see it too. Just took me a lil while.

 

So maybe be a bit reassuring to her. You can sort of guide her.

[blueangel]

The thing is, maybe she's not as lost as you think. Maybe a lot is coming together for her that she's making happen and she was leaning on you way too much for it to be healthy before. Her focus cant be on a relationship- it hasto be on herself. That takes time and energy and you dont seem to understand that, thinking you can just provide the healing for her. well she is healing and that's all welland dandy but she's also in love with a girl. This is out of your control and not your fault.

[deleted_x]

Thanks blueangel. You really have changed

 

Maybe she isn't lost. Maybe she is. I don't know. Perhaps she does, perhaps she doesnt. *points up at God* Thats the only thing that knows for sure! SUre as hell would be nice to speak with God sometimes ^.^

 

I understand that she has to focus on herself and all of that and I've spoken with her about it before as well We initially agreed to take it slower than we did take it and unfortunately neither of us stayed the course and once again, we "rushed". I guess it maybe was a bit more natural for me, because I did have deep feelings for her and still do.

 

I was talking to a friend of hers actually. He told me that it could be that we arent ready for each other in this phase were going through, or possibly that one of us isnt ready for the other. He mentioned that she may have to take some time on her own and grow as a person and become stronger in certain areas before she can go into a serious relationship with me. His girlfriend even added in and told me to give her space but to not give up either. That was actually pretty motivating.

 

Unfortunately, it seems I let it slip that she is "gay" (via pointing him to this posting). I wasnt even thinking of it at the time and didn't realize it. I had spoken with him a decent amount and at the end of the convo I was like "here's a link about some of what I typed up on a forum". Completely forgot that I mentioned she is "gay" on this post and now she is pissed as hell at me =/.

 

Well anyways, she's really really really mad at me for a variety of reasons now and theres no way she will listen to me at the moment on any of them, so Im going to just giver her her space. Its hard to do and right now I am very hurt and vulnerable I must admit... not just from the breakup - there has been SOOO much going on in my life recently. The breakup was kind of just like the tip of the iceburg that pushed me over you could say.

 

 

It was nice talking to you again. Hope all is going well for you!

[blueangel]

Gee did you ever apologize to her about it? I'm sure lack of that makes her more pissed despite a nice post about all your regrets and feelings and bla

[deleted_x]

Nah I haven't, I've been meaning to, but haven't apologized yet. Been a serious idiot as far as that goes, for a few reasons. I think Im gonna tell her sometime really soon!

 

Thx for the boost of confidence to tell her.

[blueangel]

Great I'm sure she'll be waiting for that.