Would like to have casual SEX over the holidays... what should I know? birth control?

[Lily04]

p.s. i am not really intending to have sex tonight necessarily, but just within the next week or so... so could people also tell me some sexual tips? what should i know about positions... or websites you can recommend? lol.

 

ALSO.... what type of foreplay do most men like? I HATE giving head...and likely not going to do that for a one-night stand.... but any other things we cna do?

[itsallgrand]

You are assuming it is going to be a good, pleasurable experience.

 

The friends who I've picked up, hugged, and consoled the day after something like this, would certainly disagree.

 

Lots of fun sitting at the clinic discussing how his breath smelled like puke and whiskey, and he could barely get it up.

 

It can get truly vile. You have been adequately warned now.

 

Have your friends with you. Good friends will look out for you.

[BronzedSkin123]

p.s. i am not really intending to have sex tonight necessarily, but just within the next week or so... so could people also tell me some sexual tips? what should i know about positions... or websites you can recommend? lol.

 

ALSO.... what type of foreplay do most men like? I HATE giving head...and likely not going to do that for a one-night stand.... but any other things we cna do?

 

I couldn't give you any techniques because I am not that expeirenced with sex and don't get any pleasure from intercourse at all. you may enjoy sex unlike me because your vagina might have more sensitivity than mine..you'll find out when you do it. more than likely you probably will feel something being that girls like me are in the minority

 

 

i lost my virginity when i was almost 19 and was disappointed. i thought sex was going to feel amazing like everyone was saying only to find out that having a guy on top of you thrusting does absolutely nothing for me. the only type of sex i enjoy is oral--giving and receiving.

 

 

good luck on your experience wish i had a vagina that had more sensitivity..

[BronzedSkin123]

even though i lost my virginity to some guy after 3 weeks of knowing him and never heard from him again afterwards.. i am still GLAD that i got it over with. if i were still a virgin today i would be wrecking my brain over what it's like to have sex.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

hmm I dont have time to reply to all of this right now, as I am heading out for NYE... but why do you say "the issues get worse"? Incidentally enough, I still think I struggle with low self-esteem...I dont view sex as ONLY an animal instinct, but I believe if you are having it with someone who you are not in a relationship with, then it is mostly an "animal" activity... it's not out of love, but rather lust. Or at least lust *should* then be involved... which is why i am not so crazy about the idea of having it with a friend who I have no attraction with! At least if you are doing it mainly to gain experience and "have fun" you should have it with someone whose company you can enjoy..sexually.

 

I think that was pretty clear because you are under the impression that just getting sexual experience will suddenly make the world right with Mr. Right. You seem to be very insecure about not having sexual experience and view it as something you have to have before embarking on your first relationship. If a guy you are in a relationship with really cares about you, he would not at all be turned off by the fact that you are a virgin...in fact, he would probably have a lot more respect for you than if he learned you just slept with random guys to get experience. You have this notion that it will all be very simple...that lust will just take over and you will have no problems shedding your clothes and having sex with a complete stranger...that may be so for sexually experienced women...but for someone who is inexperienced, that could be a nightmare. Also, if you do some random guy, chances are he will expect you to be experienced...he will not have the patience to deal with your inexperience...he just wants a wham bam thank you ma'am experience. I think you would end up feeling devastated once he zipped up his pants and walked out the door. If the condom breaks while having sex, you will never see this guy again...never know if has an STD. You can talk tough now because the situation is not staring you in the face...it is all theoretical at this point...but reality is whole lot different from theory.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

even though i lost my virginity to some guy after 3 weeks of knowing him and never heard from him again afterwards.. i am still GLAD that i got it over with. if i were still a virgin today i would be wrecking my brain over what it's like to have sex.

 

Great, so you got it over with and have never actually enjoyed the experience....and are still wishing you knew what it felt like to enjoy sex. So what did you really accomplish by having sex with a guy you barely knew and who disappeared from your life right after the encounter. Maybe you are quite scarred from that experience and that is why you don't enjoy sex.

[Lily04]

Great, so you got it over with and have never actually enjoyed the experience....and are still wishing you knew what it felt like to enjoy sex. So what did you really accomplish by having sex with a guy you barely knew and who disappeared from your life right after the encounter. Maybe you are quite scarred from that experience and that is why you don't enjoy sex.

 

I got the impression that she had some type of sexual disorder/dysfunction... but perhaps the relationship did scar her. then again, my best friend just randomly hooked up with a guy from an online dating site on her first date (!) and isn't too scarred from the experience. and she's not that sexually experienced either... never had a serious bf only had sex a few times in the past. it's not necessarily hte life-altering, scarring experience i think you are making it out to be, for everyone.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I got the impression that she had some type of sexual disorder/dysfunction... but perhaps the relationship did scar her. then again, my best friend just randomly hooked up with a guy from an online dating site on her first date (!) and isn't too scarred from the experience. and she's not that sexually experienced either... never had a serious bf only had sex a few times in the past. it's not necessarily hte life-altering, scarring experience i think you are making it out to be, for everyone.

 

Maybe not initially...but eventually having random hookups does take a toll. I remember I knew two people who were quite free and easy about sex...and yet they were so miserable and insecure...one of them put out so easily and then was so frustrated why men only wanted sex...she couldn't understand that by putting out with everyone, nobody was taking her seriously as a partner. Both of these women ended up doing a complete 180...they suddenly went from being rather secular Jews to Orthodox Jews and viewed sex before marriage as bad. One of them then ended up marrying a guy she had only known for three months...the marriage was a disaster from the get-go and she is now locked in a very nasty divorce/custody battle. I don't know what happened to the other person.

[Aleadragonhawk]

Condoms are a must-have, but I'd suggest also doubling up with another form of birth control if you're going to be sexually active, especially because you're planning on casual encounters (I'm thinking that pregnancy is more of a worry when you barely know the guy). What I'd suggest doing for right now is getting a package of EC. You're over 18, so you can pick it up at any pharmacy without a prescription. Then just keep it on hand and if a condom breaks or slips off, you can use it to help prevent pregnancy. Make sure to also get on another method of birth control, like the pill, patch, etc.

 

One thing that I do want to bring up is the possibility of STDs. If you're planning on having casual sex, it's possible that your partner makes a habit of sleeping with various partners. I strongly suggest only sleeping with someone who has been tested recently. Condoms do slip off, they do break, and STDs are incredibly common. I personally would not have sex with anyone with multiple partners who hadn't been tested. That's just my belief, though.

[Mysterygirl]

just because a guy tells you he has just been tested and is clean does not mean he is telling you the truth. Remember this is a guy who has probably had a few drinks and wants to have sex especially if he knows your a virgin.

 

I would not trust a guy a just met to be honest in his STD testing. Just like I would not trust a guy I just met to be alone in my house!

[what2think]

Hi Lily-

 

I skimmed your thread and didn't see anyone answer your birth control questions, so I will.

 

Condoms are 96% effective, so that means that 4 out of 100 will get pregnant

 

The pill is 99% effective, 1 out of 100 will get pregnant

 

Both of those figures are if you use them perfectly, so in all reality condoms are about 85-90% effective and the pill is between 95-98% effective

 

If you are just looking at this next week when you want to go out and have sex then yes condoms are your best bet (if you want more protection look at spermacides... just read the box to make sure that you can use it with condoms!) but think about the next month, six months, etc. Once you have sex you will probably want to keep having sex... in that case I would recommend that you start taking the pill and continue using condoms, to have even better odds that you won't get pregnant.

 

Also just wanted to add that I don't know what you think your first time is going to be like but don't expect it to be the best experience in the world. The first time can hurt and will hurt even more if the guy doesn't understand that it's your first time and take it slow with you at first.

[Lily04]

Thanks for the last few responses, they are appreciated.

 

Well... how do you even know if the condom slipped off or broke? Sometimes it seems difficult to tell... and that's how people do not know they have become pregnant, esp. if they're inexperienced... maybe it's best to use the morning-after pill the next day, even if you're pretty sure the condom worked? just to be as safe as possible? I know you're not supposed to usee the morning-after pill as a form of birth control, ideally, (unless absolutely necessarily) but why not? Are there any harmful side effects? it's prob. best than just using a condom and hoping everything went well... and then finding out weeks (or months!) later that they didn't.

 

STDs are a bit more problematic I agree... I'm not exactly sure how you would deal with that. I guess you would have to trust the guy to some extent. I met a guy at a club, twice, accidentally and we hit it off *fabulously* well last year... I soo much wanted to have sex with him that night. But i was 21 at the time, so ... innocent and a bit scared and at the same time my values were against one-night stands. Because I really actually liked this guy -- he was very intelligent, a lawyer, entering politics (I want to do the same) we had tons in common. And actually a genuinely nice guy who basically wanted to help influence positive change in the world (who wouldn't thunk lol......rare find.) Unfortunately, we couldn't date due to circumstances... but even though i didnt know him well, I had some trust that he's smart enough that he wouldn't lie about something like STDs to a girl he had some respect for as well. But because I wanted him to respect me still, I didnt have sex with him.

 

Fast forward to the present and he's now a... word I can't type on ENA, his ego got to him, he's dating multiple girls... do I regret not sleeping with him? No, because I think I liked him so much I would have gotten hurt whhen he eventually would dump me. He wasn't looking for something serious. When I first met him he was but we were living in different cities so it wasnt posisble......basically, if it were a one-night stand situation i;d have to do it with a guy who i DID feel sexual attraction for but who I couldn't like that much that I would be liable to getting hurt if things did not continue in terms of dating/a relationship. Unfortunately that is problematic because it's less likely I will trust the guy then...I don't know. people who have one-night stands... how do you dela with the "trust" "STD" issue..?

 

p.s. also, just thought i'd add -- I know about the first time not being the 'best in the world'. often it's painful for both parties, and blood involved, so not that hot... but maybe that's why it's also best to just get over with for better times ahead lol...! pps. sorry if my typing is a bit less-than-ideal... dont have time to check for spelling mistakes now..

[what2think]

Using the Plan B as a form of birth control is not a good idea because it can make you very sick (my roommate had to take it a few months ago and was nauseous and couldn't hold down food for a few days afterwards), it is basically a large dose of birth control hormones taken all at once.

 

The other thing is that Plan B costs $40-50 depending on where you live for the two pills for one unprotected sex encounter, the one you take right away and the 2nd for a day or two later. I have never used it myself so I don't know exactly how you take it. If you go to a doc or planned parenthood and get a Rx for birth control if will cost you between $0 and $20 (depending on your income and insurance) a month unless you get one of the newer ones like Yaz which cost closer to $60 a month.

[Rosee]

If you are determined to do it, make sure you're very well aroused before he penetrates you. Have lots of foreplay and use some lube. This will make it more comfortable. If you're nervous at this stage try and take some deep breaths and relax as much as possible. If you panic or change your mind and can't go through with it then don't.

 

First time sex isn't always painful although for me it was excrutiating (didn't know the guy, wasn't aroused, absolutely horrible).

 

As far as techniques go, unless you're used to being penetrated, like you already use a dildo or whatever, you might not feel physically comfortable enough to be jumping around of him for your first go, so I wouldn't worry too much about that!

 

I hope it works out ok for you.

[Lily04]

Thank you... I am concerned about the risks of pregnancy and STDs, I must admit... not so much the pain of it/or that of getting 'hurt'. but if a condom is used successfully, then you should be alright. I am just worried about that... I've never really handled these things... and am sort of a klutz (I actually have a learning disability that affects my spatial/motor skills to some extent as well... it typically takes me a bit longer to learn things, manually...) so that's why im sort of worried i'll screw up somehow... it took me years to learn how to drive. I know sex is supposed to be instinctual but ... i don't know. i usually mess things up on the first try, in this case i can't really afford it!

[Honey Pumpkin]

What do you actually WANT? The experience of being penetrated? You said you don't like oral sex, so it sounds pretty much to me you just want penetration. Why not buy a vibrator? I just think...I don't know, you seem to think sex will be a transformative experience. I think you might be disappointed.

 

And the fact that you have written here about this for what, over a year? Several times, anyway, suggests to me that you are fascinated by this step but need validation. Why the waiting and hesitation? You tell us you're gorgeous, post an ad on Craigslist - "23 year old beauty wants to be deflowered. No strings. I'll bring the condoms. You must be hot. erm, that's it" You'll be inundated.

 

I think you have issues, but if you want to screw someone so badly, get on birth control, get condoms, pack some lube (because you might not get that aroused with this random stranger) and you're good to go. We'll be here for your post about how your one night stand hurt your feelings/never rang/couldn't get it up...

 

I know that sounds really harsh - if that's what you want, just go and do it. But I think you'd be better off dating and seeing if you met someone you really fancied and liked instead.

 

Please take care - you haven't got a lot of friends, I don't want you to get into a situation you cannot handle and get raped by a less than nice guy and his pals.

[Lily04]

Thanks for your response. I dont think sex will be a transformative experience by any means..I'm not sure how people are reading into that. I just want it for the experience... you say "But I think you'd be better off dating and seeing if you met someone you really fancied and liked instead."

 

I tried that. I tried dating for several months and after a few dates, lost interest. I honestly dont think I'm capable of a relationship... until i'm maybe in my 30s or something. I am not fascinated by sex, NOR was I desperate for it. In fact I posted on here thinking I was asexual at some point because I can't get turned on... I dont even masterbate! So really... i'm only doing this because I sometimes have (rare) moments when I do feel more sexually 'excited' let's say, and I just want to go out and have fun. why is that so bad? it's not. case closed.. i just want to know the risks and such. beefore everyone was saying to use birth control pills and I actually tried that for a bit when I was dating thhat guy over the summer (that lasted a bit over a month -- longest relationship i've had LOL) but then broke up with him and decided i didnt want it. But for a one-night stand deal I dont want it.. I think I was asking different questions over the summer because I was in a relationship at the time.

 

p.s. I would just like to remind posters to maintain a decorum of respect on this site and not be rude in your responses, even if you disagree with a person's personal views on a subject. Thank you.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Sorry, I didn't think I was rude. I DO think you're taking risks, and I do think that you may find yourself in a situation you can't handle. It's dangerous to do one night stands, especially when you don't know the person well, and you don't have any experience. I do think you could end up with someone who might hurt you, emotionally or worse case scenario physically.

 

If you want to do this, then of course you should go for it. I'm not at all a prude, but I think that you might be hurt. I think that from what you've written, you could find that it's not a great experience. You might get lucky, and meet a great guy for great sex, and that would be wonderful. But if you don't masturbate or get sexually aroused, I can't see that a total stranger and a one night stand is going to be a great experience. He's probably not going to care that you're a virgin with limited experience, and take time to turn you on and make it good.

 

Why not sleep with someone you trust first, and then do the one night stand thing if you're still curious? When you get turned on, what sort of guy does it - do you have a type? Is it the situation? I just get the strongest feeling from your posts that you will not find what you're looking for in a casual encounter to lose your virginity.

 

My suggestion of a vibrator wasn't actually meant to be mean, either. It was a genuine suggestion, to explore your body and find out what you like in a relaxed and calm way, at your own pace.

 

Just take care, whatever you decide. There IS an element of danger in picking up men for one night stands, and I do think you should be wary, given your inexperience, about where it might lead you.

[Lily04]

Fair enough.. it just seemed like you were taking some shots at me, implying that I was desperate for sex (when I'm not -- if anything i'm the opposite, pretty much asexual.. perhaps how I lasted as a virgin for so long, lol..) and that I don't have friends... but anyway. That's fine, no hard feelings...

 

The reason why I seemed to have been overanalyizng this a lot over the summer was sort of because I had a very experienced bf at the time (he had between 10-20 sexual partners and was only a year older than me) and I felt a bit uncomfortable about having my first time be with him I guess... and secondly, because I basically overanalyzed a lot, and questioned everything. This is especially true when I am in a new situation and dont know what I'm doing... I get somewhat anxious...I still do this for certain things, but it's not as bad as before.

 

In any case.....I think I could find some decent guys out there who I do have chemistry with and who DO care for a more "casual relationship." The main issue here may be that it seems I honestly cannot hold a relationshiip. The men I DO like are typically off-limits: i.e. my doctor/chiropractor and professor, both of whom I think are attracted to me and who I'll go out for coffee with, etc. but who would be hesitant about pursuing a relationship with... that's why I also think I'm likely to find men when I'm older.. I tend to like older guys. That said, in the meanwhile, I think my best bet if I ever want to date and have sex is to just have "casual relationships" - either one night stands or more casual realtionships with men... i.e. i'd have to somewhat lower my standards. But as for finding those decent guys ouut there... there are a few whho would make for a good casual relationship i guess. That guy who I was totally head-over-heels for before (I described him in an earlier post) was one of them, and perhaps a few others I've met... I knew they mainly wanted sex from me, but we had *amazing* chemistry on more than one level. The problem was in those cases tha tI liked them more than they liked me; I grew frustrated (I actually knew one had a gf on the side and the other i'm not sure about..) and just dumped them.

 

I can see if the latter scenerio happens how I could get hurt because I was very hurt at the time... or perhaps even more upset/mad than hurt that they didn't treat me seriously. But I think if I have a casual relationship... I won't find that type of guy who I really want to have a rleationship with ... i.e. they'll be lacking some qualities suuch that I just enjoy them for the physical but wouuldnt wannt to be in a relationsip with them. hence earning hte name of a "f-buddy" relationship. it wouldn't be more than that. Otherwise, yes I can definitetly see how it would lead to getting hurt if you expect more from the relationship and start to really attach feelings to the men. I expect that is what you are thinking about when you say you are liable to getting hurt? So essentially i'd just find guys i find attractive but not much more... and are still 'decent' guys.

[Honey Pumpkin]

The thing about sex, Lily, is that it's really really hard to keep your emotions out of it, no matter how grown-up and detached you think you're going to be. It sounds like you want to be with someone you at least know, which is better than what I thought you were suggesting, a casual pick-up in a bar, which is dangerous.

 

I think a fling might be what you want, and that might be great. Just...be safe. And being sexually intimate with someone - I have never managed to have sex with someone and not feel attachment. A lot of women feel like that too, so be prepared that you might go into it just for the experience, and feel differently afterwards.

 

I think virginity isn't important, personally. If you meet someone and it feels right, go for it. But do be prepared to find that your emotions are stronger than you would have thought.

[CandyKins]

It's your life you must do what you want to do. But I will say this, I don't mean to be rude in any sort. Just saying my opinion...

 

Really think about what you're doing. It's sad of what society has become today. Lots of girls losing their virginity to men whom they don't have strong feelings for. Into dancing in nightclubs, having multiple boyfriends and 'sex' is almost an usual thing to them. Have very few stability and peace in life. They just don't give a dam about their virginity.

 

Sex should be an act of love-making and emotional connection between two loving, committed people, who will take care of one another, love and cherish one another, not just a causal fling. Virginity is one of the best gift you can ever have and give.

 

I don't think you are going to change your mind but just be careful. At least get to know them before getting between those sheets. Make sure you both are tested, he will respect you for that (if he's decent). Condoms aren't 100% effected, it's 90%. Be responsible and you won't get pregnant, take this lightly a high chance you will become pregnant. Causal sex, ironic... when it comes to sex you need to take it seriously, because of the STD's, pregnancy, HIV and all that jazz.

 

A healthy mentality and who has high standards? A) A girl who has causal sex often, high standards as in don't just have 'sex' with any bloke. B) A girl who is decent values sex, only has sex to a man whom she most truly love. She's decent keeps in mind, 'love is nothing without friendship'. Doesn't think high of the girls who engage into causal sex, into boys and all that jazz. It's B who has the most healthy mentality and she has high standards.

 

Take care.

[CaptainPlanet]

Yawn * just use condoms. You'll be fine.

[CaptainPlanet]

Men and women are now equal. Being a virgin does not make you any more valuable as a person. Hope that cleared a few things up.

[JadedStar]

Honey Pumpkin was not rude at all Lily, she was spot on. I have never seen any post of hers that was remotely close to being rude. There is nothing i could say any better than what she did. I think it seemed rude to you because it was probably very much a hit home. You do seem to want validation and to be honest i think you think no longer being a virgin will validate you and suddenly make you more interesting to people, i dunno.

 

That craigslist ad of yours is kind of telling. I also think the fact that on your other thread you mention losing a lot of friends means you really should reflect on what your real goals are here........if they hear about that ad you posted they probably are getting a vibe about you that we are here. Only we are just forum folks we don't know you in person. Most of your threads you have created are always centered on you being hot and always looking for the hottest guy....I don't think you will find what you are looking for until that superficial aspect of your personality is changed a bit. I think this also is a reason friends of yours might be dropping off your radar. They are probably tired of hearing this same old stuff Lily. It gets very old having a friend who must be validated all the time.

 

Personally I think you should stay FAR FAR away from a one night stand in your mental state but that is not my decision to make. I think with your personality once it is done you will obsess over it to the brink of not being able to think about anything else.

 

Just be VERY careful and use condoms AND spermicide.

 

It is extremely perplexing that you have shared with us how you can't handle a relationship because you obsess to the brink of ending it or making him end by your constant questioning and paranoia but feel you can handle one night stands...

I don't think emotionally you are ready yet for either one, that is the honest answer. But the practical answer is use condoms AND spermicide.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Thanks Jaded Star - that was kind of you.

 

Just to clarify - I don't think Lily has posted on CraigsList, that was my suggestion, based on the way that she was looking for a one night stand.

 

I do have strong concerns about the safety aspect, it really bothers me for some reason. I am so not a prude or judgemental, but I do see Lily getting caught up in something that she's not able to control, choosing the wrong guy and so on. The reason I made the comment about a lack of female friends wasn't to be mean, but based on her previous posts. I just have this anxiety that she doesn't have a circle of female friends who would be able to point out to her which guy is a sexual predator and possibly dangerous on a night out, but rather that she is somewhat isolated and thereforeeee potentially very vulnerable.

 

I am neither for nor against one night stands exactly - *I* would never do them, because I couldn't cope with sex without some intimacy and trust.