Would like to have casual SEX over the holidays... what should I know? birth control?

[JadedStar]

Just to clarify - I don't think Lily has posted on CraigsList, that was my suggestion, based on the way that she was looking for a one night stand.

 

 

Gotcha. I thought perhaps she DID post that!

But i still agree with all that you wrote and I also do not think this is safe, nor do i think Lily has the skill in being able to read people well enough yet (not that anyone can TRULY tell a predator from one not) and like you said not enough girlfriends to steer her properly.

 

I don't think she is ready for a one night stand at all, and i am not a prude against them either....just don't think she is ready for sex as she has some emotional aspects that need tweaking first. IF she has sex right now i think she'll obsess and freak out about something either during or after...

[Lily04]

hmm... if you honestly thought I posted that (lol) then obviously you don't know my character very well, and i'm not sure I can take your advice seriously either. But I do understand what you are saying in your posts and will keep it in mind when I do have sex. Thanks.

[JadedStar]

hmm... if you honestly thought I posted that (lol) then obviously you don't know my character very well, and i'm not sure I can take your advice seriously either. But I do understand what you are saying in your posts and will keep it in mind when I do have sex. Thanks.

 

Well i must say i was a bit shocked to think you would post something like that, but then again how could i not wonder since you are posting about going out and just having sex for the heck of it? I wouldn't have thought awhile back you would have been thinking that either...

 

Whether or not you take my posts seriously is up to you Lily. Others have said things on the same lines, so don't take anything i say as gospel. I just say my gut feel is this will be a misake for you and you will really regret it later. Some people are okay with one night stands, i don't think it will work quite that way for you....and that is more of a compliment than a jab.

[Lily04]

Thanks Jaded, that's fair enough... I dont know exactly at this point what I want, I suppose. I think a previous poster picked up on it (sorry, I forget her name at this point..) but that I want a fling or casual relationship, rather than a one-night stand thing per se. I think when I get down to it, I don't just want sex becauuse it is odd since I am not a very sexual person. It's not like i need sex. I am just scared because of my lack of experience and would just like some form of intimacy. There are some times when I feel lonely being single and feel pathetic, etc...and as I rationalized, it is very unlikely I'll actually find myslef in a real relationship. I don't mind settling for that form of relationship.

[Batya33]

There are STDs that can be transmitted despite a condom and even though they are not near fatal they can interfere with your fertility (such as chlamydia). I would not suggest the morning after pill as a form of birth control especially since you don't know how it will react in your body. thereforeeee, if I were you I would have casual sex if you are willing to have a baby/abortion later on and willing to contract an STD.

 

I agree completely with jadedstar by the way.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Oh my god, Lily - that's such a horrible horrible post to write about your own sister. It's full of jealousy and envy and hatred. Read it as if you hadn't written it, and see how you come accross to other people. Seriously, I'm not having a god, just try that: you come accross as bitter, envious and full of hatred. That's NOT good for you, and possibly one of the reasons why you're not having any luck - that sort of emotion is really really unattractive, and maybe people are picking up in it? It's hard to hide, and so venomous. Do you seriously mean it, or are you just venting, which is more understandable?

 

You have to stop comparing yourself with other people. It doesn't matter. You are you, there will always be people hotter, smarter and sexier than you. There will always be people uglier, stupider and dowdier than you. Doesn't matter. You are you, not about how you compare with others.

 

I think you may have issues with self-esteem, do you think that may be it? I have to say hand on heart, Lily, I would never have written that about my worst enemy, not even in my teens. Are you unhappy? You seem a little lost, to be honest.

[JadedStar]

Lily again Honey Pumpkin is spot on. This is very telling "Seriously, i'm not being mean but being totally objective, she's NOT that hot. " But yet you have written here repeatedly how hot you are.....why is it not okay for her, but it is for you?

 

I do think you have a lot of bitterness and resentment, and downright jealousy, that is going to continue to hold you back until you work thru it. I hope you finally found a new therapist - last we talked you said the one you were seeing was attracted to you so hopefully you found a new one.

 

Like HP said you will find someone prettier than you everywhere you go. Until you love you as is you'll have problems. I am sure your sister would be pretty hurt to have read your comments and hopefully deep down you don't really mean that. You have GOT to stop comparing yourself to people like this....i don't think you realize this but popular people - like your sister - often have a component to their personality that makes people gravitate towards them. If you think it is 100% about your looks you are looking in the wrong direction. You are working on the wrong trait Lily.

[CaptainPlanet]

I think you people are winding lily up and lily you should go and have sex with some nice man.

[Lily04]

Hi, Yes I wrote that post quite rashly -- it was right after she added all of these girlie teenybopper type photos to Facebook which just got me upset. I delisted her as a friend on Facebook precisely for that reason -- not because I don't like her per se, but just because she was really annoying me and I decided instead of posting something rude about her on her site by accident (in a spur-of-the-moment thing as I did on here) it would be best not to allow myself to say anything at all.

 

My sister does have some good qualities, which I didn't mention -- she seems relatively nice and loyal, but sort of a stickler in things as well... she's not necessarily a Mother Theresa type either lol. but she's confident, ambitious, pretty sincere, hardworking, athletic, and has leadership qualities. She wants to do an MBA... soo i guess she's not totally stupid either, she has direction... it's just I don't know. I'm completely against cliques because I'm such an independent person but she's the total opposite in that she was always very cliquey in high school -- she was an exec. on the "prom committee" and all that stuff. But anyway... I guess it's just appreciating the differences in our personality. Sometimes it's tough -- we both took that MBTI Myers-Briggs Personality Test in college (if anyone knows about that) and she got exactly the opposite of me, lol. I am INTP (but 50/50 on the introvert/extrovert thing, I could say ENTP at times as well), and she got ESFJ, lol. All the opposite letters.. so one can see how we may have difficulty interacting with each other at times because we have totally different ways of interacting with the world.

 

***Oh, also I was doing some 'soul searching' only the day before yesterday and found out why I was having such extremes of emotion at times.. Anyway... that, my suicidal tendencies over pivitol things and other characteristics all pointed towards "Borderline Personality Disorder." I don't know if people necessarily believe in this disorder -- I told a friend and he shrugged it off, like "whatever", but I fit almost all the characteristics. This may be why I react in oddish ways sometimes... I tend to see things in black-and-white outcomes and it's not totally healthy.

 

I do suffer from self-esteem issues which vacillate at the drop of a dime, which is also a large part of BPD. So I think I may have it... I haven't been officially "diagnosed" with it yet. And also I haven't seen a psych. since September... didn't really find them helpful, even after switching to a new one...

[Aleadragonhawk]

If you suspect that you have a mental disorder, I strongly suggest visiting with a psychiatrist for analysis and then treatment. It's very possible that you could have BPD, and if so, there are options available for treating it. Self-diagnosis can often lead to trouble, so please speak with a professional if you believe that you do have BPD.

[Lily04]

If you suspect that you have a mental disorder, I strongly suggest visiting with a psychiatrist for analysis and then treatment. It's very possible that you could have BPD, and if so, there are options available for treating it. Self-diagnosis can often lead to trouble, so please speak with a professional if you believe that you do have BPD.

 

Thank you... do you have BPD? I was actually thinking of going back to the Psych. Services office at my school and requesting a different counsellor. The person they recommended for me did not seem adequately qualified... but sometimes you have to try a few before you find one who is right for you, and knows enough about your problems to be able to suggest solutions... if you DO know anything about BPD, however, (or anyone reading this thread) -- I was wondering is Borderline Personality Disorder the same thing as Bipolar Disorder? Because... I don't think I have bipolar, the traits don't sound like me (i.e. I am not often depressed and then happy within the same few hrs... constantly. Which is what I intepret the disorder as... i.e. you are often in a state of depression and then escatic happiness, like bipolar opposites.. I wouldn't really say that's true for me, although it does happen on occasion.)

 

Perhaps it's something worth looking into, however... do you think it's really a 'disorder' per se? I think it's worrisome if you are considering suicide as a result... which I was a few months ago. But otherwise, my friend was saying that he doesn't really believe there's such a disorder and they just put a label on somthing that means you are a bit socially awkward or something... i.e. you experience moods shifts frequently, he says these things are all present within people.

 

p.s. I know this is quite a dramatic shift from the original discussion, but at this point I'm feeling a bit confused about what I really want, if anythhing... so until I feel a bit clearer on that, this isn't so bad to discuss, I think...

[Aleadragonhawk]

Don't let the opinion of your friend keep you from seeking answers and help. I don't personally have BPD, but most of my family has some kind of mental disorder, and I've personally seen that it is very real. If you think that this is a problem that you might have, speak with a professional.

[clarah]

Hi there

 

I'm a bit confused, please bear with me! Are you not putting the cart before the horse, so to speak? I think the idea of having sex temporally - deciding to have sex with a man before there is a man to have sex with, is a bit of an odd one.

By all means, have sex if you are very attracted to the guy and don't necessarily want to marry him! But perhaps you should meet someone first? Otherwise, its just a literal 'notch on the bedpost'. Most women wish they could scrub some off. Me included!

 

Sorry I know thats not what you wanted to hear, but it seemed really necessary! Use a condom, make sure you know how to use one, and don't ever do anything you are uncomfortable with... and ultimately respect yourself! x

[Lily04]

hey clarah...

 

no, i dont think so. there's enough guys out there who want to have sex with me.. and meeting guys who do is never that tough.

[Lily04]

I will start a different thread for this as well, for more targeted responses in the "friendship" section...

[Lily04]

OK GUYS: Back to the issue at hand...

 

This is really ... quite funny. I said on here that I would not go on the internet looking for dates or guys to have sex with, as I think that's tacky and that even goes beyond my sense of morals... like posting on the internet for sex?? eww. Just not classy.

 

However, one of my best friends... essentially did just that and told me about it. However, she didn't post FOR sex as the person here mocked/suggested I do in a Craig's list ad lol... (I don't need that, personally.. but she created an online dating profile. Then this happened twice... last weekend she just met this random dude she never met before, they went out for coffee, she invited him back to her apartment and they had sex. I dont think she heard from him again and was really bummed. Then tonight, she was like "Oh, Lily,.. I feel so much like banging someone, hormones racing..." and the same thing happened... she was chatting with a guy she met from the internet, very sexual in nature, I guess she invited him to her apartment... and a hook-up again... she is all like "oh this is OK because he's educated, OK-looking, a doctor, smart, nice..." as if that just excuses it? Who knows if he was even telling the truth about being a doctor? lol.

 

But... I had the same thing happen to me about 2 summers ago and I slammed the door in his face! lol. Except it was at his apartment... we were just going to go "chill" with some drinks, and he attempted to have sex with me on the 2nd date, I got all offended (I was like 20-21 years old at the time though..still quite naiive) and told him off. He was also a doctor and actually quite goodlooking, very cocky though......we had good chemistry but I didn't find it classy to just pick up a girl you hardly know and have sex like that.. I barely knew what a "one-night stand" was at that time.

 

But I still sort of maintain that... it's not right. Like I told her what she did, did cross some sort of moral territory and she was like "ohh morals and hormones don't mix!!"

 

Who do you think is right in this... this is like the 2nd time she did it. Is the internet different at all than a club? She says it's not, but I think it is somewhat... the internet just seems a bit more seedy because you haven't even met the guy yet and still intend on having sex with him..... isn't it sort of trashy?? I think she feels a bit offended that I feel that way, but ... I don't know. It's hard for me to respect her as a friend when I know that she is having sex with random guys off the internet... is it just me, should I not judge her for this?

[Batya33]

Lily it is too funny to see you calling the kettle black. Come on - you are focused on letting some stranger you meet inside a club inside your body just for the experience and you're judging your friend for doing the exact same thing on the internet (she is lucky she wasn't robbed or attacked or worse, of course). Nothing against one night stands (they're just not for me, never have been) but I am against those who are focused on having one establishing some sort of pecking order for "at least I didn't do ____"

 

If that is truly your attitude, getting laid in the way you're describing sounds like a very bad idea.

[Lily04]

hmm perhaps.. .you know, it wouldn't be such an issue if I weren't a virgin! She isn't..and is OK with it. Maybe that's why she doesn't really value sex that much? It's just something she can easily get when she wannts from randoms on the internet? lol...

 

At the same time, I am starting to think it may be better to have with a friend who has known me for a while or who I can establish some sort of relationship with... I really sort of wish I would have had it with my ex, except under different circumstances..he was living with his mom at the time, not exactly the best place for me.. lol.

[someguy88]

 

At the same time, I am starting to think it may be better to have with a friend who has known me for a while or who I can establish some sort of relationship with... I really sort of wish I would have had it with my ex, except under different circumstances..he was living with his mom at the time, not exactly the best place for me.. lol.

 

When I first started reading this thread I thought that you should definitely go out and bang some random guy just to satisfy your curiosity, but the more I read of your posts the more I think that you're getting in over your head.

 

Getting laid isn't going to change things as much as you think. Having sex isn't the same as intimacy and I think intimacy is really what you're looking for. I think you're making all kinds of excuses because you're afraid of being vulnerable.

 

You've said things like "I don't think I can hold a relationship," why do you think this? You're just as capable and worthy as everyone else.

 

Maybe you feel that having some sexual experience will help you get real intimacy? I don't know.

 

I think you'd be best served if you stop focusing on sex so much. I'm sure you feel a lot of undue pressure because you're a virgin. "Mr. Right" isn't going to care about your sexual experience. Try not to be so hard on yourself.

 

Also, I find it curious that you want to have sex so badly, but you don't masturbate. Why don't you? Getting yourself off is gratifying, and the better you get to know your own body, the more comfortable you'll be when you do have sex.

 

good luck

[JadedStar]

Your priorities are very screwed up. YOu want to have a one night stand but call people who are doing it classless or tacky if they WAY they pick someone up is not acceptable in YOUR mind. LIly most of us replying really are trying to get a thru things to sink in for you to help you not lose more friends....

 

The last few posts I have read from you aren't putting you in the best light. You are now criticizing your friend for doing what you have been saying you want to do the last seven pages here.

 

I fear if you continue down the path you are on you are going to alienate your sister and your friends and be a very lonely person, but at least you'll have your looks. I only post this to hopefully jar some reality into you that if you don't make some mindset changes real soon you might end up a very lonely girl.

 

It's hard for me to respect her as a friend when I know that she is having sex with random guys off the internet... is it just me, should I not judge her for this?

 

I just cannot believe you are asking this. If i didn't know you had been a member here a long time I'd swear we were all being punk'd on this thread and this was all a practical joke. But you really think like this...

[CaptainPlanet]

Just have sex with someone it is really not that bigger deal. Hypocrisy is what makes out society great, being a hypocrite is as much our way of life as the air we breath.

[Batya33]

Just have sex with someone it is really not that bigger deal. Hypocrisy is what makes out society great, being a hypocrite is as much our way of life as the air we breath.

 

No, it's not that big of a deal on its own but the emotional and physical repercussions (pregnancy, STDs, STI's) may be a huge deal.

[Lily04]

Ok, just the thought of meeting guys from the internet for sex crosses a line...I didn't even think that would be criticized so much when someone jokingly posted I do the same to show how insane I sounded or something. But anyway, I've had enough with this thread and I must be going to work. Thanks for the opinions. Lily

[Batya33]

Lily - you are the one who is criticizing and drawing illusory lines in the sand. It concerns me that in one breath you say you are ok with a one night stand and in the next criticize someone for meeting their one night stand on line instead of in a dark club with lots of drunk people. What line? If you are not comfortable being in the same position - literally and figuratively - as your friend then your answer clearly is that you are not comfortable with a one night stand. There is no difference.

[JadedStar]

Lily to be honest I think your friend meeting someone like this online and perhaps being able to have some conversations first that don't involve alcohol might be a much more responsible and LESS creepy way of picking up a guy for this then in a dark club where alcohol is clouding everyone's judgement.

 

I have stated before on your threads that i think picking a guy up in a club for a ONS is dangerous. It can be dangerous no matter WHERE you meet them but to criticize one method and not another...i dunno. It's so contradictory.