Getting my Ex Back! Help!

[thekid55]

Alright today was an extremely weird day.

 

I went to the basketball game with some of friends here at school. I get a picture message from her at 6 pm. It's a picture of her in a bra. Head shot. I don't text her back.

 

She calls me here around 10. No voicemail. Texts me a few minutes later "You said that you would always be here for me, please call me back". I had an away message up. She IMs me saying "I really need to talk to you"

 

So I sit there. Trying to figure out what to do. I go for a walk. Come back 20 minutes later. I call my mom. We are really close and she has been there for me throughout all of this. She just says, do whatever your heart tells you to. And I'm thinking, after all these times that she has burnt me in the past, she now needs me. And even two days ago, she tells me that she wants me out of her life for good.

 

I decide to call her back about an hour after she called me. Conversation:

 

Me- "Hi, what is wrong?"

Her-"Did you get a picture today on your phone?"

Me-"Yes I did."

Her-"Can you please delete it for me? Someone got my phone at my friend's house last night."

Me-"So that was the real problem that you needed me for?"

Her-"Yes"

Me-"Alright, I gotta go, cya"

Her-"One of your friends said hi to me at work today"

Me-"Cool, bye"

 

I felt like there may have been a death in the family or something like that from the way she seemed to be in need of dire contact with me. It just seems so weird that she is freaking out because of a picture message. You would think she would get upset like right after it was sent. Plus, you instantly get picture messages, so it couldn't have been sent last night. I'm done trying to analyze this situation. Why would she do all of this? I just think that she felt really stupid when I didn't say anything to her at first when she sent me the picture, so she made up all of this BS.

[hockeyboy]

Again, you just need to do NC.

 

She's messing with you and you don't need that. You have no obligations to her whatsoever either. If something terrible happens (i.e. a death) then ya, maybe you should call her, but she'd let you know it's something like that.

 

Who knows what shes thinking, your best bet is to just ignore her for now..for a while

[thekid55]

Yeah I know what you mean.

 

Just when someone really needs you to contact them, one would think that something happened like a death in the family. I didn't want something bad to happen and me not be there for her. That goes for any person that I've come accross in life. If they need me, I am there for them. I don't think I could sleep as easily if I knew that something fatal happened and I turned my back on her. I know that she has not been there for me in the past. But I do think she is starting to realize that she is losing me. I have no initiated contact with her since the middle of December. She did not get a reaction out of me with that picture so she made up this huge story to cover it up. I can read her like a book and I see right through her story. She just didn't want to look stupid. Plus, it's not like I've never seen what I saw in the picture.

[thekid55]

She did IM me today and said: "Guess what?". I did not respond to this IM and signed offline maybe 10 minutes later.

 

When I signed back on about an hour later, she immediately returned from being away. She didn't IM me or anything. Again, she is probably just looking for attention.

[hockeyboy]

........Good job

[thekid55]

I do wonder however. Do you think this will turn her off if I begin to ignore such IMs as this or make her want me more? I know that we have discussed this before, but it has been awhile. I don't like the game playing and all. What do you think? I do want to get back together and all.

[hockeyboy]

I do wonder however.

 

you wonder to much.

 

With that said, it will only help you regardless if you want to get over her or get her back.

[thekid55]

Wait what do you mean?

 

Also, you were right about me forgetting about her. I really spend less and less time as each day goes by thinking about her. And it does seem like she is starting to try to come and get my attention.

 

Again, ignoring her? Does it work in my favor of getting her back by making her miss me or is just a game that she will probably get tired of? Or even, how long should I go for ignoring her?

[hockeyboy]

You constantly try to figure her out and what she's thinking/doing etc. I understand it, but you need to just stop at some point.

 

Yes, ignore you...as I said, it will help. As far as for how long..don't even worry about that for now. Lets just say for a while.

 

Now if she starts trying to contact you on a daily basis...let me know

[thekid55]

If you understand it, what is she doing with all of these actions? She has not contacted me today.

[SarCareBear]

the kid55-

 

i have read some of your thread with interes.

 

from a complete outsider's perspective, i read some of your back and forth with hockeyboy and he is completely right. i come to this forum once in a while because i have just been getting over an ex-gf, and it was a really important breakup in getting "myself" back.

 

i, like you, am 19 - and just think about it- you have SO much life ahead of you and so many people around you in college, classes to think about, extracurriculars, why waste your time on this girl who has so much growing up to do? think about yourself at 16, and you'll probably realize you're a lot more mature since then. 16 is EXTREMELY young and is a time when you're still learning about yourself. I'm sure you've heard the phrase "If you love them let them go." Let her grow up, date as many skeevy boys as she has to, like she has said it basically doesn't concern you. She just wants her own life and for you to not obsess over her - people can sense these things.

 

So if you love this girl as much as you say, then let her go. You are starting to do this, and remember, it's NOT a game. Whether you talk or don't talk to her (less talk right now would be beneficial to move on though, as others have established), it's the SAME thing. If you love her, LET HER GO. Let her live her life. And all this energy you're using to worry about her? Worry about yourself - it's the mark of a wise person. Worry about your own actions, and worry about Respecting yourself. You have let this girl all too much dictate how you are thinking and feeling about yourself. Get your respect back. One day you will look back on all of this and realize you are a much stronger person once you've truly moved on.

 

hope this doesn't sound harsh, but you just sound like a caring person who deserves more than this misery! with that in mind please, just do all you can to move forward.

[thekid55]

SarCarBear,

 

I appreciate the advice you have given me. I have become stronger through all of this. I don't think about her too much...but I need to get into the details of what happened about 30 minutes ago...

 

Some background, as I wrote before in this thread, I went back to my high school about a month ago. Her dad is a teacher at our HS. Throughout my relationship with my ex, her dad and I got extremely close. He helped me get into college. He coined me "the son he never had"...When I went back to visit a month ago, he made a point to sit down and talk with me about her an hour or so. I wrote him an email the following day, this was the email:

 

"I would just like to say thank you for sitting down and talking with me. Believe me when I say that I care about her more than a lot of things in life. I know that we are young and all, but she was someone who I felt like I could have a lengthy future with. I have met other girls and they all fail in comparison to the connection and fun I had with her. I have heard that she is dating this new kid and went to some dance with him. I really don't know anything at all about him, just that he really doesn't seem too happy and is into that punk, emo music trend and he is kinda girly. They do seem like opposites. But I guess that it bothers me that she has replaced me with him. I don't know if she has told you that, but that is what she told me and I've seen online. Her and I really don't talk too much with each other anymore. I do really miss her. I wish things would go back to the way they were, but she resents me for some weird reason..I really don't know what she could like more about him, than she likes about me. It is probably just stage of life. I know that you really can't invade her personal life too much. I just wish I could get those good times back with her and with you and your life. I truly do miss everyone. You all were really my second family. I feel a large void in my life. There is nothing I can do though. I hope all is well in all other areas..You have always been a 2nd father figure to me and I hope that we can keep this e-mail between you and I. I really do miss her and your family, a lot."

 

Again, I have really regained my strength since I wrote that email on January 4th. It does seem really needy and desperate...So here comes today: her dad is a teacher at the school and apparently my ex went through his email tonight looking for something and stumbled upon this email...the following is the IM convo:

 

Her (9:32:41 PM): hi

Me (9:32:46 PM): hey.

Her (9:32:47 PM): question for you

Her (9:32:49 PM): how come

Her (9:32:56 PM): everytime i try to talk to you and stuff

Her (9:33:01 PM): you dont talk to me back

Her (9:33:09 PM): and then you email my dad telling him about my bf and stuff.

Her (9:33:14 PM): and he didnt tell me i read his email

Me(9:34:13 PM): 1. i have been really busy, ive been having a lot of homework.

Her (9:34:55 PM): well

Her (9:35:06 PM): if you miss me so much then why cant u take one minute out of your BUSY schudle to talk to me

Her (9:35:35 PM): i was looking for an emial from my teacher to my dad about my midterm and i find these emails from you?

Her (9:35:38 PM): whats that all about

Her (9:36:10 PM): WILL YOU FREAKIN TALK TO ME

Me (9:36:58 PM): you really need relax.

Her (9:37:05 PM): NO BECAUSE I WANT AN EXPLAINATION

Me (9:37:12 PM): i dont owe you any explanations.

Me (9:37:20 PM): your dad is my friend.

Her (9:37:29 PM): WHY DID YOU TELL HIM ABOUT MY BF

Her (9:37:43 PM): i would never do that to you!

Me (9:37:48 PM): im not going to argue with you.

Her (9:37:55 PM): fine

Her (9:37:59 PM): have a nice * * * * ing life.

Her(9:38:39 PM): and dont talk to my dad about me anymore

Her (9:38:44 PM): u can be his friend but leave me out of it

Her (9:38:55 PM): CAN U * * * * IN TALK TO ME

Me: that is fine ex.

Her (9:39:02 PM): THIS IS SO AGGRAVATING

Her (9:39:09 PM): tell me why you told him about my bf!!!!!!

Me (9:39:29 PM): i havta go.

Her (9:39:32 PM): no

Her (9:39:35 PM): wow

Her (9:39:41 PM): way to * * * * ing walk away

Her (9:39:42 PM): like always

Her (9:39:45 PM): leaving when were arguding

Her (9:39:47 PM): you always did

Me (9:40:06 PM): you arent going to talk to me like this. im not like everyone else. im not putting up with this. when you cool off and want to talk, i will talk to you.

Her (9:40:16 PM): im cooled

Her (9:40:18 PM): tell me why u told him about my bf

Her (9:40:43 PM): SEE

Her (9:40:45 PM): YOUR NOT TALKING

Me (9:40:58 PM): will you stop...

Her (9:41:07 PM): well anwser my question

Her (9:42:01 PM): 0okay i dont have time for this

 

Alright, well after this exchange, what are your thoughts? Again that email was sent to her father about a month ago and I'm in a totally different mindset now. I agree that it was wrong about what I said about her boyfriend.

[SarCareBear]

thoughts are that you made her PRETTY angry with what she now understands to be games (the NC, but with mixed signals like that e-mail). think about what you want from her - do you respect this girl? do you consider her an equal?? remember, just because YOU don't agree with how she's choosing to live her life, doesn't mean there's anything wrong with it. when you e-mailed her father about her you broke her trust - think about it and i believe you will understand how this could be a breach of trust.

 

i think she about summed it up - don't meddle in her life, don't bring her up to other people. SHE CARED ABOUT YOU, and still does in some way, so just accept that this is how things are now. put the relationship in a respectful context, do not drag it through this dirt any more than necessary.

 

just take the high road. do not contact her father or mother for reasons related to getting her back in the future, as at the end of the day she is their daughter and they will have her best interests more than yours at heart. they also understand that she is 16 and may very well meet many other men for the rest of her life. and come on, would you really want her back if her DAD pressured her into it? don't fight the losing battles.

[thekid55]

I agree with what you posted. But that email was not meant for her eyes. Just her dad's. I had no idea that her father would let her read into it. I also do not understand how it was a breach of her trust. It wasn't like I wanted her to see it. I don't even think the email was bad at all. I was just being respectful and thanking him. Her and I don't have some secret bond that she tells me all of these things. I just found out through word of mouth.

[thekid55]

Well, now that I have reflected on this series of events, I just called her and apologized to her for the stuff that I wrote in that email to her dad. It is out of line. The relationship between her and her parents should exclusively be between them. I should have stayed out. Since I am a man, I can admit my mistakes. She was receptive of me. She said "I understand. Okay." I say like "Look, I realize that I made a mistake, you know that I will always be honest with you regardless. That was my fault and I'm just letting you know that. It was immature and I will not do something like that in the future"

 

I feel more at peace with myself and I have learned a lesson tonight. But she did say some pretty hurtful things to me as well...

[leo_s84]

You went to her dad to try and get him to break them up. What kind of reaction did you expect?

 

She's not gone insane, but maybe you will if you continue with this type of behavior. Just move on.. you both are still too young to be in a long lasting LTR

[thekid55]

I did not go with that intention. I guess I was just informing him. But I agree it was wrong of me.

[SarCareBear]

good job with the phone call!

 

tomorrow will be a new day (depending where you live?) and i'm sure it will be a productive day for you.

[SarCareBear]

and of course, try to make it one where you think about what your ex is doing as little as possible! i'm sure all will be well.

[thekid55]

Yeah I am proud of myself for doing it. I feel like I can sleep easier tonight.

 

I am a college student so tomorrow is a new day plus the super bowl is this weekend! Good times. Again, that email was sent by me a month ago. I have made improvements by leaps and bounds since then. I feel so strong now and she rarely cross my mind.

 

I am a man though and can own up to my mistakes.

[hockeyboy]

remember when i said don't talk about her to anyone that will talk to her? here is one example of why.

 

I understand why you had to break NC for this, but from now on, I hope you start focusing more on getting over her and less on ways to win her back/what things will bring her back. You apologized for the email and that's all you can do. So if she trys bringing it up again, I'd just say "I apologized, that's all I can do." No sense in having any contact over this again.

 

And btw, yes, it is SB weekend. My Pats will hopefully be making history.

[thekid55]

Haha. We will see about the Patriots. My room mate here at school is from Boston so he is really pumped for the game.

 

Giants 23 Patriots 17

 

One last thing about her, I do realize that the email was a mistake. It was sent over a month ago to her father. She just happened to stumble accross it. In the conversation as well she said something along the lines of "How come everytime I try to talk to you, you never talk to me?" And like, "Why can't you take any time out of your busy day to talk to me?" Again, what I am doing is working. Most importantly, I am getting myself back, but also, she is realizing that I am not giving her the attention anymore and she wants it back...

[hockeyboy]

Giants 23 Patriots 17

Ok Plaxico.

 

You apologized, don't apologize for the same thing again. If she brings it up again, tell her you already apologized and theres nothing more to say about it.

 

You broke up, your not supposed to talk all the time like you did before. Other things in your life that may have came second to her before, now come ahead of her. She has to deal with that. If she keeps asking why (I dont think she will) then tell her just that.

[thekid55]

Yeah I agree. It does seem like the tables have turned. Before it was me always trying to get her attention to talk to me, now it is just the opposite. Just doesn't make any sense why she would want to talk to me when she has her boyfriend and other friends back at home. I even said to her that I am not your boyfriend and I don't owe you any explanations on anything. I'm not going to chase her. It seems like, you one minute she says like "Have a nice life!" then the next minute she goes "Why arent you talking to me?!?"

 

She is so screwed up right now. I'm just slowly backing away from this train wreck.

[thekid55]

Hockeyboy,

 

You said in an earlier post to write if she has contacted me in consistent days.

 

Well today is Day 3 when she has contacted me. It was a short conversation. Just hi, whats up, hows school, hows volleyball, etc. She asked me about my day as well. A short conversation initiated by her.