Getting my Ex Back! Help!

[thekid55]

I can agree with the points that you made in this post. A lot of people were envious of our relationship we had. Now that I think back on it, if she was a senior this year instead of a junior, things may be different. My room mate at school, his girlfriend is a senior and she is looking to go to a school near ours. They sort of having something to look forward to. It just seems like, teenage girls have problems with the long distance. Guys typically don't. I think us guys know its hard to find a girl to have that commitment with. I think that they do realize what they lost over time. Only when we start to remove ourselves.

 

The only problem with my situation is, I haven't moved away to another city. I go to school in another state, but my family still lives in the same town that I went to high school in.

 

I think part of it has to be insecurity on her part. She is an extremely insecure person. I've never cheated or lied to her before. I think boys in the past have done that. When I left home, she didn't have that sense of control over me anymore and she didn't like that. She would constantly text me, which I didn't mind, but she would always check my phone or myspace or facebook or any of that other stuff to make herself feel better. And I allowed her to, just so that she would feel better. It's an immature trait and she wants to be able to control another. What do you think about that view?

[hockeyboy]

That's not normal healthy relationship stuff. That's one thing you should be glad you have gotten away from. I understand it to an extent, but wouldn't tolerate it.

 

I also believe that those who are paranoid about their gf/bf doing something are the ones more likely to do something themselves. They feel like they could possibly do something they shouldn't be doing...so whats to stop the other person. At least thats my opinion....

 

I bet as time passes you'll see more and more flaws with your relationship. The important thing, for you, is to learn something from it.

[thekid55]

Oh I definitely agree with what you are saying. Even today, she IMed me out of nowhere asking me why I was still talking to this one girl who is one her best friends but who is also one of my friends. I have talked to her about our relationship and problems before. But I didn't even respond to that IM.

 

Even tonight was extremely weird. Her and I work in the same shopping plaza. She purposely got a job their originally a year ago so she could be close to me when she worked. We went to see each other on breaks and stuff. As I was leaving tonight, I noticed her parent's car in front of mine. So we approached a stop light and it was red. I knew that their car was next to mine and I didn't even bother to look over. She texted me 10 minutes later saying "Did you realize my dad was beeping at you or are you ignoring us?" Of course, she throws that little kicker in there, trying to blame things on me after all she has done. Honestly, I didn't hear anything and my music wasn't loud. So I didn't respond to that either. I feel bad though since I kind of viewed her dad as a second father figure when we dated. He was there for me through everything and even helped me get into a college. I know that he is absolutely clueless with how things between her and I are now. She doesn't tell her parents anything.

 

By not responding to her message, I feel like things may start to work in my favor again. I haven't tried this approach yet. Thoughts?

[hockeyboy]

You don't have to completely ignore her, just don't jump every time she contacts you.

 

if you answer a question like she asked about that other girl just simply say "because she is my friend." If she tries to say that you shouldn't be etc etc...just simply say "im sorry you feel that way."

[thekid55]

I guess you are right. But comparing ignoring her to short answers, what are the advantages of each? I know that it's hard for me to sit there and ignore her texts or IMs. By ignoring her, it may make her think that I'm moving on or I don't care anymore. I still do care, but I guess it's kind of me telling her that I'm not putting up with your crap anymore. Short answers just kind of leave you hanging. She has ignored my texts in the past too. Thoughts?

[hockeyboy]

Responding very quickly and every time = your still there/want her back/are waiting for her to come back.

 

Completely Ignoring/Never talking = your trying to prove something to her, your playing games.

 

Treating her like anyone else, responding to things you feel you should respond to...when you can, when you get the chance = your moving on. she's just another girl now..just another person. your accepting your not together etc etc.

 

thats my opinion anyways....having been on both ends of the spectrum.

 

with all that said...if its hurting you to be in contact with her at all and you need to just get away...then by all means do no contact with her. if you can handle treating her just like everybody else, then treat her just like everybody else. like she is nothing more, nothing less then anyone else you know.

 

if she ignores you, don't care...and if you do care, fake it.

[thekid55]

I guess up till yesterday. I was always responding to her every message or text or call. Yesterday was the first day when I haven't responded to her IM or text.

 

It doesn't hurt me to be in contact with her. I just try to keep it brief. I feel like I have the power in the situation when I don't talk to her though. I'm almost like, making her sweat it out a little bit. She has done the same to me before and I hated it. I wonder if it'll have the same effect....thoughts?

 

I know that she still cares if she's contacting me like this.

[hockeyboy]

I'm sure she doesn't like it, because she's not getting reassured that her "safety net" is there for her.

 

treat her like everybody else. if she texts "hi" then there is really no reason to respond. if she asks you what you are doing on a sat night, just tell her what your doing....but that doesn't mean you have to pick up her calls every time or get back to her ASAP.

[thekid55]

I think those are all good points. And I definitely think I will respond, but just not as fast as possible.

 

I have heard that she is hanging out with this new guy a lot. They aren't dating. She leaves him comments on his myspace saying "Babeee

 

Thoughts?

[hockeyboy]

normal that it will bother you, which is all the more reason not to look.

 

that is childish stuff and relatively means nothing...it won't bother you forever. she just likes the new attention she is getting.

 

it's been a few days since i responded, sorry, been busy with a lot of things. how have you progressed?

[thekid55]

Well, it's been eventful for the last week. Last Thursday night, she called me and she was crying because she just got into a fight with her parents and all and she was looking for support. She apparently got grounded, but she wanted to hang out with me on Friday night. I had to work, so I told her no. I gave her the advice and support she was looking for. She was very appreciative and she was asking me about life and showing a lot of interest.

 

Friday, I texted her telling her come visit me at work that night. She told that she couldn't because she was busy. She told me that she got out of being grounded. (I really don't think she was ever grounded). She told me that she was going out with that new kid and I was like, well I don't know what you see in that, etc etc and she was like, I really like him. I ended up going to see her at work during my break at work and she seemed upbeat to see me and all.

 

Her best friend IMed me the other day. She said that she has something to tell me. She told me that my ex and this new guy that she likes had sex. They are not in relationship or anything. She has known him for only 2 weeks. After I heard this, I was absolutely disgusted. She really doesn't have any standards anymore. I blocked her on AIM and I haven't heard from her since last Friday.

 

It just totally blows my mind that she would have sex with this other guy. They do have each other's names with a "

 

I deleted my myspace awhile ago, but her profile is public. She made this blog last night titled "10 things I would never say to you" She made one part of the post about me:

 

4. i think i wasted a year and a half of my high school career with you. i dont regret it, but i wish it didn't happen the way it did. i could have been talking to other guys and making more friends. you tried to shelter me from partying and such when i just want to have fun. you always tell me to grow up but in reality, you just need to let lose....

 

That really hurts. That really isn't her writing that. At least the her I knew. Why would she write that?

 

She wrote this about the new guy she likes:

 

7. your so much fun. your the only guy who will sing to me in his car, even if you wont let me put on kelly clarkson. your so spontanious. you give me a high. i feel so great when im around you. your an amazing kisser! your so caring and sweet i just cant get enough of you. i loveee when you put your arm around me and hold my hand. i love our nighttime talks! thanks for caring about me so much and for being such a sweetheart.

 

 

Alright my reflection on this: She was never, ever all about partying and stuff like that when we dated. She just wanted to go out on dates and enjoy each other's company while we were together. I even remember her profile saying "I'm enjoying life while partying it up without drugs or alcohol". She was very strict about sex. She would tell me that I taught her what love meant. Now, she is writing that her time with me was a waste. What are your thoughts? The relationship wasn't a hoax. Everything was real with what we had. I just wonder what happened. I know that she is 16 and I'm 19. But wanting to party and stuff like that shouldn't turn someone into something mean. It seems like she is writing that to just get attention from me since I haven't given any to her...What do you think?

 

I do think she called me last Thursday because she knew she made a mistake about having sex with this other guy. Maybe not. I think she made up the whole story about being grounded.

 

Thoughts?

[hockeyboy]

You don't owe being so supportive to her. She has this other guy for that. You don't have to be rude or mean to her, but you don't have to extend so much help to her. She didn't come to see you....no need to go see her.

 

She is going through a phase right now and is acting immature. She is not a bad person for it (IMO) and this will pass, but she is not being good to you and probably is not the right girl for you. I understand why it all hurts and she should write stuff like she did, but eventually she'll come to see that it was immature. That doesn't mean she'll come back to you or even say sorry, but she'll realize it, so take satisfaction in that.

 

Bottom line is that your both really young and you two were getting really serious. That scares most people when your that young and right now she is having a fling, having fun etc. She may write "i love you" and stupid stuff like that, but in reality she doesn't feel like this is who she will be with forever.

 

I dated a girl for 4 years and she did a lot of the same things. She started dating other guys (flings) but she she acted like each one was a huge deal during....she turned into a major partier, she said horrible things to me, that her time with me was a waste, etc etc. I remember being upset with her once when I called and she was on a date with some other guy. I remember her literally laughing at me. That's something I'll never forget.

 

At that point I let go of her completely. In fact, a few months later she tried to come back and I said no. She cried, got mad, cried again etc etc. Although I only wish her the best now, I do have to admit at the time I felt a little satisfaction out of this.

 

What I'm getting at is I think you need to let go of this girl. It's not easy and your not going to just forget about her or feel better overnight. But you need to separate yourself from her entirely. Ironically, that will create the best chance of you ever being with her again....but that should not be your goal. Some new hobbies, picking up old ones, trying new things....focus on that.

 

After my last serious relationship I was grieving over that one and the 4 year one really (cause I never let myself heal before jumping to the next girl). I was a total wreck, an absolute mess.

 

When I finally let go of that second girl, I focused on myself in a big way. It took time, but in the long run it was the best thing I ever did. To be 100% honest, the breakups were the best things that ever happened to me. I'm actually friends with the second girl now...and even told her that one day. We laughed (it sounds mean) but she knew what I meant.

 

I think you'll find yourself there someday.

 

So now, rather then being upset over a girl who broke my heart, I'm contemplating on what to do with girls who really like me, which I'm about to post about. It seems now days that girls seem to be more into me then I am into them. A lot of that is because of how I act towards them/treat them/carry myself etc etc. All of that is what I've learned as a result of the misery I went through before.

 

now im just rambling

[thekid55]

I agree with the points you made. Our situations are so similar. You did date this girl for a lot longer than I dated mine. I guess that they both were head over heels for us during the relationship. It almost feels like, that person that you loved and cared so deeply about, died. They are no longer there. They may still be there, but they are covered underneath this pile of garbage now.

 

It could be immaturity on her part. I guess it just bothers me after we went through a lot together. I showed her a lot of things in life. She helped me with my problems. What she used to be, is something that I want in my life. Those qualities are what I want. I guess I liked having the stable relationship and she just wants to be single and not have to answer to anyone. However,

 

I do not know what she finds so attractive in this new guy. He's apparently a big pot head and he looks like he is about 12 years old. They go to different schools, but they work at the same place. He is extremely rebellious and I just don't get it. I know attraction plays a big part and everything and you can't control attraction. But what is desirable about this?

 

Maybe I'm just no longer attractive to her or maybe she thinks I'm boring now since I'm really not a big partier. How should I go about it the next time she contacts me? Should I tell her to just leave me alone? What do you think? I haven't heard from her since Friday.

[hockeyboy]

from what you say, he's not a candidate for a long term serious relationship. that probably attracts her because she does not want that. she's young and is looking to just have fun and you should do the same. not saying you should act like her...but your young, enjoy life.

 

when she contacts you don't be eager to tell her everything about you or pour your heart out...don't stay on the phone forever, do kiss her butt, don't be her shoulder to cry on, don't let her know that you care that you haven't heard from her since Friday.

 

When I was younger I broke up with a girl I really liked for another girl. The girl I left kept calling, would always talk to me when I called, always let me know directly or indirectly she wanted me back. then she stopped. after a while i missed her...tried talking to her, and she acted distant, which made me want her more. she ended up dating some other guy so i never told her i wanted her back (didn't think it was fair). So I'm not saying she'll ever want you back or that you should even want her too.....but whether that is your goal or your goal is to get over her...you need to distance yourself from her.

[thekid55]

With him, I do know that she has told him she loves him or whatever. That obviously means nothing in this case. I do remember talking to her last week and asking her if she wanted to go out and she told me that she was going out with this new guy. So I am playing second fiddle. Apparently, he flirts on myspace with other girls. She gets unhealthily jealous over the littlest things. Very territorial. Maybe she feels like she has to compete? I don't know if she would be the same way anymore. And if I was talking to a girl and she was willing to have sex with me after 2 weeks, I would take advantage of that. She is going to end up getting used and hurt. The kid loves weed and flirts with a bunch of different girls. Her friend has told me that they "are together, but not officially, meaning that they exclusively hook up with each other, but aren't boyfriend and girlfriend".....That's extremely odd to me.

 

But I am starting to distance myself from her. I haven't heard from her. I don't plan on talking to her. If she talks to me, I don't even know if ill respond. I'm just so disgusted by all of this.

 

I do have 2 dates lined up for myself this weekend. So I am looking forward to that. I guess it's fun to run around with different girls and be single and all. I guess that I just like the relationship. But I refuse to settle for anything less of my standards.

 

If she is going to choose an emo, pot smoking high school kid over me, the good-looking, successful college student with a bright future, who will make a lot of money one day, then the girl has got some problems.

 

One final thing, from your story, I really don't call her and check up on her. Since we broke up, we've only spoken a handful of times on the phone, but we have had many texting and online convos. But I am starting to distance myself and I think 5 days is longest we've ever gone without talking to each other..It doesn't bother me or anything, I know I'm doing the right thing....Creating space is the only way....This whole situation is going to blow up in her face and maybe she'll realize that partying and that whole lifestyle isn't as great as advertised....Thoughts?

[hockeyboy]

imagine she wakes up one day and realizes she's been acting immaturely and desperately wants you back. you take her back and you two are back together and it seems great. but a month goes by, and you can't shake all the things she's done. then what?

 

do you really even want to be with her after all this?

 

if you do talk to her....stop asking her to do things. period.

 

don't talk to her via texts and im's. if she wants to talk to you, she can call.

[thekid55]

Yeah...thats a really tough call...I do have feelings for this girl because of the type of relationship we had, but she has burnt so many bridges. My family absolutely adored her while we dated. After what she has put me through, they really don't like her. I really don't like her for what she has put me through. It's not fair to me and I hate her for it. But I can't help how I feel. I know for a fact that she isn't welcome in our house. I really don't think she would ever be welcomed back in.

 

She can also change at the blink of an eye and I really don't think I would be comfortable with that. Even over time if things were good, I would constantly be worried. When I go back to school, I would worry what she is doing. She seems to be throwing herself at these new guys. She seems to do what's best for her at that moment.

 

She did just call me 10 minutes ago, but I didn't answer. No voicemail. I don't plan on calling her back either. I know her one guy friend from the south was coming in today, so I don't know why she is calling me. Probably to start trouble.

 

Thoughts?

[hockeyboy]

Sounds like you have a lot of reasons to not want her back. Obviously you still do, but knowing what you know, that will pass in time.

 

She called and didn't leave a message. Who cares. If she has something important to say, she'd leave a message or try again.

[thekid55]

I guess thats the thing. She called me around 730 last night. Then she called again at 930. Texted me saying "Hey" at 940. Then she called me from one her friend's phones around 10 and another friend's phone around 1015. All different numbers. No voicemails or anything. She did change her facebook status to this new guy's name with a heart next to it around 10 last night and has changed her myspace to a picture of her and him today...

 

I think that this was just a game. Maybe she was seeing if I'll still play along with her. Maybe she wanted to talk. What do you think?

[hockeyboy]

she texted you saying "hey"

 

she just wants attention and your not giving it to her (this time) which makes her want it more. if you just keep ignoring her, she'll get the hint that you don't want to talk to her. if you respond the next time and show no real consistency, she may wonder why.

 

personally i think your best off trying to get over her, rather then get her back.

 

and aren't you supposed to stop looking at her myspace/fb?

[thekid55]

So what do you propose I do the next time she contacts me?

[hockeyboy]

Best option would be to get over her and just not talk to her.

 

I'm not sure your ready to take that step though, so second option would be to talk to her briefly. When she asks why you haven't responded, just say something along the lines of "I've been busy/tied up." If she wants to whine about her "problems" just politely tell her your sorry, but you need to go. If she talks about this other guy, just say "thats nice"

 

Your not over her, but at least fake it a little bit.

[thekid55]

I guess you do make a point there. I have also noticed that she has contacted me after every time she has hung out with this new guy. I don't know why. She doesn't mention that she was with him, but I see online that she hung out with him previously. So I can pretty much bank on that she'll contact me after she hangs out with him...why do you think she does that?

[thekid55]

Also, why do you feel like she reached out to me last night?

[hockeyboy]

she wants to know she can still have you...your her fall back plan. as long as she knows she can have you, she probably never will want you (back).

 

did you contact her on nye?