Getting my Ex Back! Help!

[pryda]

I think you should start trying to see things from a different angle.

 

It sounds like your ex is being pretty immature about things and if this new boyfriend is really as bad as you're making out, then perhaps she's going somewhat off the rails in reaction to the break-up. First things first, you can't just assume her actions are based around you (i.e. intended to make you jealous), but it's still a possibility. And secondly, this girl is, what, 16? A lot of girls at 16 go off the rails and most of them don't need a break-up to do it, so this could just be a natural thing for her.

 

My ex is similar to yours in a couple of respects. Firstly, she's been bragging about her sex life to mutual friends on Facebook (where she knows I'll be reading), and this is similar to the way your girlfriend is flirting around and trying to make you jealous. Secondly, my ex has now started seeing a guy who is, not ugly, but certainly a polar opposite of me and very much inappropriate for her on an emotional/intellectual level. A bit like yours, right?

 

Well, my reaction to these events was a mixture of disgust, scepticism and sheer embarrassment on her behalf. It has really helped me get over her. You should try and view things in that way too. Take a look at your ex, what she is becoming in your absense. Isn't she just a bit of a mess? Take it as a compliment, she's a mess without you, that's how important you were to her (even if she can't see it). Her boyfriend is ugly and a loser? Take it as a compliment, you're better, she's just lashing out at the nearest thing because she can't handle not having your security anymore. Be strong, walk away and let her work out FOR HERSELF what a prat she's being.

 

I personally don't think you've got much of a chance, purely because this girl is 16 and she's due to go through a massive period of change over the next couple of years. Also, the messages on myspace about how she's happy you're out of her life are probably not the greatest beacons of hope.

 

But I will give this advice regarding your last question. If you've told her to leave you alone and cut contact, then you shouldn't be worrying about how and when contact should be re-established, or who should be the one to do it. Considering you were the one to establish NC, it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever for you to be the one making contact or for you to even wonder when contact will be made. Breaking the NC yourself after establishing it will make you look weak, like you couldn't even uphold your own rules. It was all a game. She might be 16, but she's not stupid. And what if she never contacts? Too bad. That's the risk you take with NC. As many have said on here, it's NOT a tool to get an ex back. By declaring that you are cutting contact with an ex, you run the risk of them never contacting you again. You can't just flamboyantly demand that she leaves you alone, hide for a month, then come back out and be like "hey, how are things?" pretending you're all cool with everything. You'll just look ridiculous.

 

Personally, I would just keep away from this girl. I understand it's hard to walk away when you're in love, but she is doing things, really stupid, immature things, that you can USE to get over her. Some people out there never have that chance, they're with a great girl, she leaves them and is totally nice about it all. You are the lucky one, your ex is acting like a petulant child, and instead of letting her behaviour hurt you, you should be using it to make the decision to move on because you can do much, much better.

[thekid55]

I get what you write here in this post. But I doubt that her and I will never speak to each other again.

[hockeyboy]

Do you think me telling her to just leave me alone was the best thing to do at that time?

 

Yes

 

Also, how and when do should contact be re-established between us? Who should do it?

 

Not you.

[thekid55]

That's been my plan anyway. I don't want to appear weak when I tell her to leave me alone then 2 weeks later, I come knocking. If I were in that situation, that person would just appear pathetic. Plus she doesn't really want to talk to me right now when she has someone else desirable in her life. Her friend told me that she never really mentions me to her anymore, which is odd in her opinion. I just think everything needs time.

 

I did have a dream last night that she broke up with her new boyfriend and started to frequently contact me. Calling, texting, and IMing. I woke up and thought it was reality. Ha. I doubt that is foreshadowing anything though.

[hockeyboy]

did you watch Swingers?

[thekid55]

No I didn't. I have seen the quote and dialog. What is the point of that with what I posted?

[thekid55]

Also,

 

In her AIM profile tonight, she had this quote: "some people say that i'm not worth it

i've made mistakes but nobody's perfect."

 

She also had this as an away message after I posted one up saying "going to see jamie =)"......"i wish i could explain how i felt about you because your all i think about before i go to bed

 

I don't know if I'm reading too much into it, but what do you think that could mean? I doubt that it's about her ex because it is "felt" not feel...

[hockeyboy]

You are the character from Swingers...as was I.

 

Here's what I think.

 

Why are you looking at her aim profile? she's going to put up things like that and your going to drive yourself nuts trying to figure out what they mean and you'll probably read much more into them then you should.

 

If she has something to say to your or has feelings for you..she will eventually speak up or find a better way to communicate it.

 

How long have you been broken up now? Since October is it?

[pryda]

As people have said on this forum many, many times before: actions speak louder than words.

 

Generally, if someone wants a reconciliation they will not just drop hints in the form of cryptic words on a website.

They will act.

 

It's best for you to ignore pretty much everything she says and only take note of her ACTIONS.

[hockeyboy]

If you want the blunt truth, I highly doubt you two will get back together. Even if you started to try and both wanted to...things would probably crumble quickly. I realize you'd be happy at first, but you have lingering anger and doubts about her. The way she has treated you is not something you'd just forget. Even if you wanted to, and tried to act like you were, you'd send off vibes she'd pick up. I know..I've been there.

 

What I do think will happen is eventually you'll let go of this girl. Some of that is just a natural process, some of it is up to you. i.e. looking at myspace and her away messages is prolonging your pain. Eventually you'll meet someone else and chances are you'll break up too. Those breakups suck, but you'll learn from each and you'll handle each better and better.

 

Being your first love, you won't forget about this girl, as she won't about you. But in time, you'll think of her and smile, but not have that feeling that you want her back so badly. You'll be thankful for the relationship and everything it gave you and taught you. But your feelings of wanting her back will pass...in time.

[thekid55]

We have been broken up since the middle of October. This current stretch of 2 weeks is the longest we have ever gone without talking. 2 weeks ago, I told her to basically just leave me alone after she messaged me on facebook telling me to take these old pictures of us that I didn't realize were still on there. We aren't friends on facebook either.

 

From what I've been told, she does really like this new guy. But he is really weird. He rarely goes on AIM. Just the whole thing about making mistakes really hits me. I mean, at least if she admits that she has made mistakes, that makes me feel better. I know that those mistakes may not be about me, but when she posts " i LOVE my life" on myspace and stuff, to me, if you have to post a line like that, your life isn't that great. She has made a ton of mistakes with me. And she told me that she always does think about me before she goes to sleep. We could never explain how we felt about each other though. I do respect her for saying early on that she could not do the distance.

 

Her and I really alike though. We always tend to over-analyze profiles and away messages. She gets extremely jealous, even know, with me and new girls. Maybe I am over-analyzing, but I know this girl like the back of my hands..Who knows..

[hockeyboy]

You need to start NC. I know you don't talk to her, but you may as well because you check up on her so much.

 

Still...your putting a ton of emphasis in AIM and myspace. Are you just going to continue to look at her stuff on there? If so, your just going to continue to do what your doing. Nobody can make you stop, but don't you want to. Even if it's hard, you gotta know its the best thing to do.

[thekid55]

I know. And I do really need to stop looking at myspace and such. She has written these blogs in the past, basically just degrading all of these people. I can't understand why someone would feel the need to degrade people. Especially someone like me who always cared about her. She has written like, "I think I wasted my time and affection on you. I don't regret it, but I wish it didn't happen. But Now I want you out of my life for good"...That just really bothers me. Alot. I don't know what the future holds, but why would she feel the need to write that, when we don't even talk anymore and I haven't done anything wrong to her?

[hockeyboy]

That hurts because you read it. Don't read it and it won't hurt. STOP READING IT.

 

She is probably thinking/feeling a million things and you shouldn't put so much stock into it.

[thekid55]

Yeah I know what you mean.

 

I guess I need to start accepting that she just isn't the same girl anymore and things will never go back to the way they were.

 

I just wonder why she would feel the need to write:

 

you were a waste of my time and affection. i wish it didn't happen, but i dont regret it. so thanks for the fun while it lasted. but now i want you out of my life, for good.

 

 

After she knows that she loved the relationship with me, I never cheated on her or did anything bad to her. We had true love, but then she ended it, turned into a completely different person. I know that she doesn't want anything serious right now but, Why would she write that though?

[reasonablegirl]

Because one stage of getting past and letting go of a relationship is anger. Dumpers go through the letting go stages as well. She is letting go of the relationship with you and lashing out is one way for her to move on quicker because it helps her justify her decision. Once she gets past that stage and is really moved on, she will be able to look back and see the positive things again and possibly even be able to be civil to you.

[hockeyboy]

she's trying to get over you, like you should be trying to get over her. not everything she says or feels or thinks is necessarily true.

 

when my ex broke up with me, she was sympathetic at first and then she turned nasty. i remember one time specifically. i'll never forget it. she was out with some other guy when i called. i didnt realize she was starting to go out with other people so it caught me off guard and i was really upset about it. i mean, we dated for 4 years and after a few weeks she was out with some guy i didnt know. it hurt, it sucked.

 

she just made fun of me. she said to the guy she was with "awww, he's hurt" and then started laughing at me. literally laughing. that pissed me off...and thats the point when i started to work to get over her. not saying i got over her right there and then, but i started then.

 

so ya, i wondered why she acted that way, it bothered me. i later realized she was hurt too and that was just one way of her masking her pain. she called me a month or two later. i was seeing someone new at that point and told her i couldnt talk. she started to get really upset and i just told her i had to go. she began to cry...a lot. she told me she missed me...i told her i had to go. then she got angry, yelling and swearing at me....i told her i had to go...she cried again...you get the point.

 

so what she says/does/even thinks is probably not the 100% truth. take everything with a grain of salt.

 

now that you have that explanation...stop looking at her damn profiles so you see this stuff!

[thekid55]

Hockeyboy, on Thursday January 24, 2008, I am officially done looking at myspace. I have to just get through today and it will be extremely easier as the days go by. It's just like NC. It's hard as hell for the first few days because talking to them is part of your routine. But once I get to Saturday or Sunday, I will feel so much better. Myspace is just a bunch of kiddy stuff anyway. I am done.

[hockeyboy]

Well I hope you stick to it.

 

And yes, as days pass, it gets easier..it gets harder....easier...etc. Just remember on the days when its harder that there are days it gets easier.

[thekid55]

I will. I guess I never realize the part that she is probably hurting too, so that is why she is lashing out in the way that she has been. She covers it up pretty well that she is not hurting from all of this. (Getting the new boyfriend, writing that she LOVES her life now, and its the happiest she has ever been in her life). I guess I never looked at it from that angle. Plus she doesn't seem like she needs me anymore..Eh I'm not sure..I'm getting myself back together I suppose.

[thekid55]

Ok, interesting rest of the day today.

 

Well, I never said anything about checking AIM profiles. By chance, I looked at hers today. She changed it around to from having her boyfriend's name in a heart to "I HATE YOU!" and her away message was, " * * * * you, you selfish son of a * * * * * !" I rejoiced! Haha, that is kind of sick, but it's all good. I just figured that they broke up.

 

So tonight, I contacted one of our mutual friends and asked if they broke up. She told me that they did not. They just had a fight because he is beginning to flirt with all of these different girls now and she gets extremely jealous. They did make up. What she said online was pretty extreme. Anyway, this girl proceeded to ask my ex if there were any relationship problems. This girl and my ex are really good friends by the way. Immediately, my ex questions her friend if I had asked her about her profile that day. (This was out of nowhere) She says no. Then my ex insists that she tells her. And her friends gives me up, but she just tells her that I was asking how was and how things were going in life.

 

My ex IMs me and says: "dont worry about who i am with or what i am doing. my business has nothing to do with you anymore. you wanted this. im never going to come back to you. i am happy now. go have fun with your * * * * ing ugly ass girl Jamie and stay away from my friends."

 

To that message, I responded saying: I am fine with the breakup and wish you nothing but the best in the future.

 

1. I never wanted this, she ended it with me. 2. She must look at my away messages and profiles and stuff because she knows about this new girl Jamie. 3. She is still really jealous. 4. She is making it seem like she never had any fun with me in the past, which isn't true. 5. "I am never coming back to you", that kinda hurts.

 

Now, 4 hours later, her away message has gone from, "F YOU! F THIS!" to "phone with babe

 

I realize that it was a mistake to ask a friend about her, but still. She went a little over the top. She was also really interested in finding out if I was talking about her. I'm sure that me saying that I am okay with the breakup really hurt her ego. Also, she did try to appear when I was finally starting to get everything back in order. Chances for reconciliation are definitely declining. She is an extremely jealous girl and all. What do you think of this occurrence of events? Also, after reading what she said, I can now verify that she is out of her freaking mind. She changed emotions so quick today and basically took it out on me.

 

I am glad that I didn't fold, beg or plead with her when she said "I will never come back to you". Of course she wanted me to say "Noo!!! Don't say that". But I am no longer weak and needy.

[hockeyboy]

I don't understand why you keep looking at anything of hers.

 

Her attitude towards this other guy does not really matter at all. Her attitude towards you is still the same and we've gone over why it is.

 

The fact that you look at her profile, and she knows it...gives her some satisfaction...it lets her know you still care, think about her, even want her back to a degree. And you had to know her friend was going to tell her you asked...which is why I told you not to talk about the ex to anyone that knows her.

 

Separate yourself from this girl, in every way, and stop using "technicalities."

[thekid55]

What are these, "technicalities" that you speak of?

 

Do you think she resents me even more now? Again, her friend never said that I was asking about her profile, just that I asked how she was doing.

[hockeyboy]

you say you won't look at her myspace and then just look at her aim profile/away messages. why?

 

i think that she doesn't even know what she thinks.

 

she knows you look...that you ask about her....which is only making it less likely you'll get back together (maybe a good thing) and making it harder for you to move on (def not a good thing).

[thekid55]

I realize that her and I would not get back together for a very long time. I feel like I am her long term answer. I will always care about her regardless. She is 16 and I do realize that I need to give her and others a vast amount of time to grow up. 18 and 16 is a huge age gap especially when college/high school comes into play. I do love her, so I am going to let her grow up.

 

I am really unaffected by what she said to me last night. I know that she still cares and even gets jealous. At the end of the day, we both need to stop what we are doing and give each other space. Time heals all wounds.