Getting my Ex Back! Help!

[thekid55]

I didn't respond when she called me last Thursday. I did not contact her on Christmas or New Years Eve. We really haven't spoken to each other in 2 weeks. I haven't initiated anything and I really don't plan to. I've been going NC for about 2 weeks. It's the longest we have ever gone without talking.

 

I do know that she is together with this new guy and all. Apparently, her parents don't really like him, but they have had sex.

 

I got invited to go back to my old high school on Friday to talk about college. I really hope that I don't see her there. The last time I was in that building, her and I were walking hand and hand around the building. That will really set me back.

 

I am guilty at looking at her myspace. Her myspace is filled with mostly happy things. But I looked at her song, it's called "There's Gotta Be more to life" by Stacy Orrico. The main lyric in the chorus goes `There's gotta be more to life ... Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me' reflects the struggle of a person who feels something missing in their life, but can't figure out what it is. So, they go in search of temporary things to fill that void while realizing that it's still not fulfilling them.

 

Do you think there's some meaning there or am I overanalyzing? What are your thoughts on the situation now?

[hockeyboy]

over analyzing, which is normal, but you have to stop at some point or it will just drive you nuts.

 

i think you should continue not to talk to her and stop looking at her myspace. if you do run into her, just be polite, with a smile, and keep it short.

 

also, really ask yourself if you want her back...or the idea of who she used to be back.

[thekid55]

I do think the old her can come back. She just needs to experience these new things and to realize that they aren't as great as they are cracked up to be. But I really don't know if I could take her back...I guess it would have to depend on the timing.

[hockeyboy]

better off assuming she won't go back to the "old her."

 

the fact you'd take her back alone is probably a turn off to her.

[thekid55]

I guess thats the thing. The last time we talked I said to her through a text, "One day I hope we can make this right." This was about two weeks ago. She didn't respond. She called me several times last Thursday but left no voice mail. I didn't respond like I said before. I need time to get the old "me" back. She has a new boyfriend of a few weeks. Again, like I said before, he does seem like a loser. She is going through the whole phase of "I just want to go out and party and sneak out of the house and things of that nature". I guess he fits into that lifestyle. She has gotten caught sneaking out of the house too.

 

Now I think to myself, what does she view me as? someone who she had a great relationship with, someone who she saw herself with a long time who she had countless great times with? or someone who tried to stop her from partying and having "fun"? she has written online that I stopped the partying part, but we never even talked about going to parties and stuff. it was a non issue. I'm just not a big drinker. She never was either, until her friends began to influence her. Do you think this whole partying thing is what she wants permanently or is just some crazy phase that who knows how long it'll last?

 

From what I've written on here about this, what do you think?

[hockeyboy]

she is young and is probably going to want to continue to party. i assume she'll go to college and enjoy that experience as well and will probably date several guys in that time period. just as you should enjoy the unique college experience yourself. I dated my HS gf all through college too and only later did I realize I missed out on a TON of stuff because her and I were so focused/obsessed with each other. I'm not just talking about dating other people....I missed out on all kinds of things.

 

The girl that brought me to this site...I was heart broken over her. I acted much like you. Eventually I let go. Completely let go. We crossed paths again later and actually became friends. On a couple of occasions we both had considered the possibility of dating again, but we both decided it against it (at diff times). We had the choice though...I had the chance. The only way to get that chance was to completely let go of her to begin with.

 

When we were discussing dating again....we were talking how it really wouldn't be "getting back together" but rather "start dating." That's because we had both changed so much since our first go around....its like we were both two different people.

 

Both you and her are going to change, a lot.

[thekid55]

I agree with all of that, that you said.

 

Today, as I mentioned before, I went back to my high school to speak about college today. She was one of the few juniors in the auditorium when I was in there. We made eye contact a few times and she was all smiles when we did. She didn't come say "hi" to me after the program concluded, but she ended up texting me about 20 minutes later. The conversation:

 

"Hey"- Her

"Hey"- Me after about 20 minutes

"Whats up?" Her immediately responding.

"Not much, you?" Me after a little time.

"Just having lunch" Her immediately.

 

I didn't respond to that last text.

 

Her father is a teacher at the school. Him and I were extremely close throughout the relationship. He is absolutely clueless to what she partakes in now, which most parents are like. He would always refer to me as "the son he never had". So he came in and sat down with me on his free period and we just chatted. He told me that he feels like, she hasn't handled the situation the right way and she has been extremely defensive whenever he tried to bring it up with her. He has suggested to her that her and I go out sometime. He even told me, that she told him, that she was so happy to see me when I came to visit her at work the one day. She told him that I looked good and that she wanted to hang out with sometime. I don't think he knows about her new boyfriend as he thinks they are only friends. Nothing more. He did say that this wife said that the new boyfriend is "kind of feminine and not really her type" He is extremely hopeful that her and I will reconcile at some point, but he does understand that she just wants to do the high school thing at this point. He said that she needs to experience someone not as good as me for her to realize my value. He just doesn't agree with how this whole thing went down.

 

I have hope for us to get back together. But I'm just not expecting things to happen. Not now anyway. Atleast I know her parents are on my side, along with everyone else. Thoughts?

[hockeyboy]

Let me interpret from my point of view

 

 

"Hey"- Her (her asking for attention/seeing if your still "there")

"Hey"- Me after about 20 minutes (you giving her the attention and letting her subtly know your still "there")

"Whats up?" Her immediately responding. (see above)

"Not much, you?" Me after a little time. (see above)

"Just having lunch" Her immediately. (see above)

 

Then you stopped, which was the best thing you did. A "hey" from her should not get a response.

[thekid55]

Yeah...I know what you mean..what do you think about what her dad had to say? The kid just seems like a loser, a smoker apparently, parents don't like him, and he has girls flirting with him back and forth online..what do you think? I don't think it'll last very long.

 

She's just rebelling right now. She'll come to her senses sooner or later.

[hockeyboy]

I think if thats true, then he's a loser and they won't last. But I also think that really doesn't matter at all and you shouldn't spend your time concerned with him.

[thekid55]

So later on, on that same night, she texted me asking me if I was working tonight? I responded about 40 minutes later saying, "Nah" and she said, "Oh. My dad and I came by tonight and we asked some kid if you were working." And I said "No, I work tomorrow" And She said "Maybe I'll have *her name bf's name* bring me by"...Probably trying to make me jealous.

 

They didn't end up coming by Saturday. Saturday night, I did probably the most bonehead thing I've ever done. I texted her asking her if she had a boyfriend. I saw things on myspace, but I didn't know for sure. She said yeah. I said Oh. She said 'and you care?'. I responded back by saying, Your personal life is none of my business anymore. I wish you two good luck. You have moved on and so have I. *I definitely lied about the part saying that I moved on* and she just said "Thanks"

 

Last night, she IMed me asking me when I wanted to come by her house to get my old football hoodie. I just told her to keep it since it was a present. And she was like, alright, you are sure you don't want it? I wear it sometimes. I said "yeah, but I liked it better when you wore it when we were together" and then she asks "I thought you said you are over it"...I Said "I didn't say that. I'm trying to move on from all of this since you have, haven't you?" And she said "Yeah, I have, sorry"...Then I said "Dont be sorry. When he breaks your heart, just know that I wouldn't do that to you"....She said, " I really don't care. I just want to have fun. He wouldn't do that anyway since I have him wrapped around my finger"...Then I was like, well whatever, I don't know why you've put this wall up for me this whole time....She said, I'm just busy now and I really don't want to see you any time soon...Then I said, What's your reason behind that?...She said, "The distance is just too hard for me and I just want to move on. I don't want a serious relationship. Last year, all we did was hang out together. This year I'm with my friends a lot more and I'm having a lot more fun."

 

Those words just cut right through me.

 

Lastly, I said "Thats fine. I'll leave you alone. I just hope we can talk about things this summer". "I do want to be there for you for your prom and homecoming this year like you were for me." And she just said, "Please stop".

 

So after going through 14 days of NC, I'm pretty much back to square one with all of this. I don't want to give up on her, but she is saying these things to me. What is the best solution for potentially getting back together? How do I show her that the distance isn't so bad after all?

[hockeyboy]

Lastly, I said "Thats fine. I'll leave you alone. I just hope we can talk about things this summer". "I do want to be there for you for your prom and homecoming this year like you were for me." And she just said, "Please stop".

 

You told her straight up that your there for her, waiting, hoping...

 

That will not get her back, nor will any of the other stuff you said.

 

Like I've said, to have any chance of getting back, you need to forget trying to get her back for a while. You really need to just start acting like your getting over her. Ironically, this will lead you to get over her. Here is a dialogue from one of my favorite movies of all time. This is how the movie starts:

 

link removed: Okay, so what if I don't want to give up on her?

link removed: You don't call.

link removed: But you said I don't call if I wanted to give up on her.

link removed: Right.

link removed: So I don't call either way?

link removed: Right.

link removed: So what's the difference?

link removed: There is no difference right now. See, Mike, the only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take her back when she wants to come back. But you can't do anything to make her want to come back. In fact, you can only do stuff to make her not want to come back.

link removed: So the only difference is if I forget about her or just pretend to forget about her?

link removed: Right.

link removed: Well that sucks.

link removed: Yeah, it sucks.

link removed: So it's just like a retroactive decision, then? I mean I could, like, forget about her and then when she comes back make like I just pretended to forget about her?

link removed: Right. Although probably more likely the opposite.

link removed: What do you mean?

link removed: I mean at first you're going to pretend to forget about her, you'll not call her, I don't know, whatever... but then eventually, you really will forget about her.

link removed: Well what if she comes back first?

link removed: Mmmm... see, that's the thing, is somehow they know not to come back until you really forget.

link removed: There's the rub.

link removed: There's the rub.

 

I smiled when I saw this move after my breakup and the whole aftermath. I smiled because it was true.

[thekid55]

And after reading that dialog, thats what I had started to do. We didn't speak to each other for about 2 weeks. I was starting to feel a whole lot better about everything. Then I went to the school. She was texting. Came to visit me at work, even though I wasn't working or anything. And she IMs me about the sweatshirt, probably wanting to see me. I was starting to get the power back then I let my heart start doing the talking. She seems convinced that the distance is just too much.

 

What should I do now to get it back? Am I hopeless?

[hockeyboy]

What should I do now to get it back?

 

do NOTHING. absolutely nothing. don't call, don't text, don't IM, don't go on her myspace, don't talk about her to people who will talk to her. just do nothing, nothing at all.

 

if she calls or texts for now, just ignore her. disappear for a little while.

 

start with that.

 

and while your doing nothing, work on getting over her, not on a scheme to get her back. the only way to get her back....you'll probably need to be over her to begin with.

 

also remember that actions speak a lot louder then words.

[hockeyboy]

BTW that movie is "Swingers", in case you haven't seen it. Rent it. watch it.

[Sickboy48]

Swingers owns nuff said.

[thekid55]

Yeah, I've never seen that movie before.

 

I can see what I was doing was working before. I disappeared for about 2 weeks. Then I showed up at school again for this presentation and she saw that confident side in me again, even showing up to see me at work. I was starting to get things in my favor, then I just crumbled. I guess I do need to disappear again for awhile. This time, even longer. I don't love the person that she has become now. She is being rebellious in every fashion and I really don't know if it's a phase or not. The only thing I know is that she wants no part of me in this. She has said to me that she just wants to have fun and not have a serious relationship. Again, that cuts me out of the picture. She said that she just doesn't want this anymore. Her and I were pretty good friends for about 6 months before we started to date. Then dated for about 1 and a half years...I do want those good times to come back. I guess its hard to force yourself to remove yourself from someone that you love.

 

I guess when someone who was hopelessly devoted to you says "I just want to move on". It really cuts right through you. I want that old her back, but I don't know if that'll happen. She says the distance is just too much for her since I'm 2 hours away from home during the semesters. But if you look at it, I'm home for 6 months and at school for about 6 months. I guess that's a big difference when you are 16 and used to seeing your boyfriend every day..She has said that the distance is a huge factor and she just doesn't want it....When you love someone though, you'll do whatever it takes to be with them...Thoughts?

[hockeyboy]

seeing she has been saying she just wants to have fun and wants nothing serious...i think the distance thing is just an excuse for breaking up with you.

 

she's acting like a 16yr old, she doesn't know what she wants, she prob won't for a while, and she'll prob continue to change for years. as will you.

 

if your going to be friends or get back together, it doesn't (and can't) happen right now. ive not talked to ex's and friends for extended periods of time only to re-connect later. then again, some you never do. don't be in such a rush to "fix' everything right now.

[thekid55]

You are right. I think it's more of guy's instincts to want to fix everything immediately. Like, I just want things to go back to normal, but women don't work like that.

 

You are also right about her changing a lot. She has gone from being devoted to me the last 2 years to wanting to party all the time and sneak out of the house and such. Now she has this loser boyfriend and all.

 

She is going to college in 2 years. Where? I have no idea. I do hope that she looks at schools up near me. I know her parents are on my side with this situation. I think most parents realize that I'm someone who they want their daughter to marry. They continually refer to me as their "2nd son".

 

But I agree, I need to let things sit for awhile and see whats going on when I come back home for summer. Maybe that other relationship will be over. I really don't think she cares too much for him anyway.

[hockeyboy]

2 years from now you'll be well over this girl. don't think so far ahead.

 

you know what you have to do, what you should do, you just have to suck it up and do it. its not fun...but its the best. right now you keep picking at the scab...leave it alone, let it heal.

[thekid55]

Agreed Hockeyboy. Thank you for all of your insight and advice that you have given me. I truly appreciate all of it. I will leave more updates on this thread as they come. Thank you again.

[hockeyboy]

The bottom line is your doing nothing out of the norm and all your feelings and thoughts are justified.

 

I remember people telling me the same things I'm telling you. I also remember feeling the same way, making the same mistakes etc etc.

 

To be honest, your actions are pretty predictable, and that's not a bad thing. Your just on the road to recovery, and it's not a short and easy one.

 

All I can do is point you in the right direction and hopefully make it easier and shorter for you. I know I made my "recovery" a lot worse then it could have been.

 

Keep me updated...and keep away from her. Dont be in a rush to chase down new girls, but rather work on yourself, take up some new hobbies, etc.

 

I grew up in a small town, it was the only place I knew. Same friends since 2nd grade and everything. All my ex gf's knew each other. After my breakup I was just getting out of college and just decided to leave. I got a job close to the city and an apartment too. At first I was miserable. Then I bought myself a new car I always wanted. Started going to the gym. Started playing hockey again. Started coaching a hockey team which became a true passion of mine (something I would have never discovered without the breakup). Eventually I met new friends. Moved in with some of them in the city. I got a new and better job...started doing more things, meeting new people. Traveled to places with good friends I would have never been to. Picked up even more hobbies. At this point I have so much to do I dont even have time for a girlfriend I think. I have so many stories of experiences I've had since I left "home." I'm happy.

 

None of that would have happened if I stayed with that girl. None of it.

 

A door closes, another one opens. Sometimes things seem like they suck really bad, but in the long run they are the best thing that ever happened to you.

 

I'm friends now with that ex. Not best buds, but friends. I joke sometimes with her "thank God you broke up with me." I say it jokingly, but am being serious.

 

Hopefully I've made my point...

[thekid55]

You did. Everything you posted to me has really helped. People do change. I guess it's a little different since she is 16 and I just turned 19. 2 and a half years is a lot in teenage years. She just couldn't withstand the distance. Whenever something gets too hard for her in life, she gives up on it. Even something as confident and sure-fire as I was. Honestly, I really don't think I would have ever left her. Her and I just had this bond. I would write for days the things she would do for me or get for me when we were together. We really devoted all of our time together. Maybe it was too much. I even told her that. She had everything I wanted. She has just changed for the worst.

 

I am going to stay away from her. I'll never totally close the door on this relationship. I think I'll always leave it ajar. I don't know what her views are. She seems like she just wants attention from all the boys now. Even though she has a boyfriend, she still posts comments like "hey babe. text me!" things like that. She would never do that when we were together. My little sister and her are in the same grade. People at school laugh and make jokes when her name is brought up now. The last 2 years, she was my girl. I'm not saying her value raised because of me, but it gave her a lot more credibility. Now she is just, rebellious and looking for attention. I refuse to give her anymore.

 

I realize that the only way to ever reconcile is if I completely walk away now. That's what I plan on doing. I'm going to devote myself to my studies and working out. I don't know what the summer will bring and where her and I will be at, at that time. I guess I'll evaluate it at that time.

 

I just need to stick with the NC. If she contacts me, I'll just say that I havta go or I just won't respond.

 

Again, thank you so much for all the advice. I'll keep you posted!

[hockeyboy]

We really devoted all of our time together.

 

That's your first problem right there. That shouldn't be how you approach your next relationship.

 

 

When the girl I dated for 4 years and I broke up, she wanted to party/be free/etc while I was looking to settle down.

 

Now, she is married with a kid living in the same small town. I'm single, living in the city, and well...being "single."

 

She won't always be this way, she won't always want this attention...but you won't always want her.

 

Things change.

 

Good luck.

[thekid55]

That's true. I realize that we really didn't healthily divide up our time. She has even told me after the breakup that she doesn't want to give up her friends for me again. She wouldn't let me talk about it and try to make compromises though. In essense, we really gave up all of our friends to spend time together. I did miss my friends, but I don't regret the time we spent together. I just wonder if we will get back together. I'm not going to contact her, but it just makes me wonder if she will ever come back...

 

Or even if what she is going through the real her now or just a phase...