Getting my Ex Back! Help!

[hockeyboy]

i would assume your not going to get back together.

 

as long as you hold onto that hope, your not going to let yourself heal. ironically, if you did get back together, it would be well after you stopped thinking about it. that's how it goes.

 

i really dont think you want her back...i think you want the thought of back..you want the comfort back etc. normal...but it will pass.

 

what have you been doing to better yourself? new hobbies? gym?

[thekid55]

I've been working out a lot and trying to get in better shape. As I wrote on here before, I lost a healthy 20 pounds since October through working out. I would love to try to lose another 15 by summer. But I'll really start to look really lean then. I've been hanging out with my friends a lot. Been working a lot.

 

I don't know about her though. I've heard that her boyfriend doesn't want her saying anything like they are together to everyone. But last time I looked at myspace, they were writing things of that nature to each other. Not frequently though.

Just like "I love so and so. They are amazing". She had posted him some icon saying "You have stolen my heart" and her away message tonight was "It doesn't matter how long you've known him, he has put a smile on your face since day 1". Obviously this is about her new boyfriend. She puts away messages up like this whenever she sees me online. Probably just to rub it in my face, but it doesn't bother me anymore. I just don't know. After only knowing a person for a month, she can be so "in love" with him? I don't buy it. Especially if he doesn't want her going around and saying things to people. Thats just weird. I don't understand that. She tells her best friend that she is worried about pregnant even though they have protected sex apparently. I don't know if I could be sexual with her again because the thought of him touching her like that would be in mind. Gross. She has thrown her morals out the window almost. I remember her and I were afraid to look each other in the eye when we first started talking. Now she is having sex at the drop of a hat.

 

She messaged me tonight on facebook asking me to take down old pictures that I didn't even realize I still had on there. She said "Can you please take those pictures of us down on facebook, thank you". I just responded back to that saying "Please leave me alone" and I went through and took them off.

 

I think this whole situation is a done deal. At least in this point of life anyway. There has to be a lot of growing up on her part. I just don't think she will ever be realizing what she is throwing away though. Not until he hurts her or does her wrong.

[hockeyboy]

your focusing to much on her and not enough on you. you dont have to blocker her on AIM (i assume your using that?) but delete her from your buddy list and stop looking at her damn away messages. and stop looking at her myspace/facebook/everything else. it's not helping you...i understand the temptation, but its not getting you anywhere.

 

your attitude about her should be "she screwed up, her loss"

 

you can't control what she does, only what you do. work on that first and foremost.

 

telling her to leave you alone...short and sweet....best thing you said in your last post.

[thekid55]

Yeah. I felt like I needed to tell her that. She hasn't replied and I'm not expecting one. I just hope she respects my wishes. If she contacts me, I will just say something along the lines of "Did you get my facebook message?". Maybe just even use, "please leave me alone" or "I dont mean to sound harsh, but why are you contacting me if you said we were over? Unless you want to talk about us, then I really don't see a point in talking". I need time to heal and she needs to realize that I'm not going to be there for her anymore. She's taking a chance with something new. I need to draw the line with her because she knows that she can pretty much do whatever now. I'm putting up that wall now. I really don't think I could let her back in.

[hockeyboy]

i hope you stick to your guns.

[thekid55]

I have been and I'm proud of myself.

 

Last night I was trying to get some clothes at the top of my closet and I knocked down this box that had all this memorabilia from our relationship in it. I proceeded to go through it. It's just hard to believe the type of the stuff that was in there. She drew and colored at least 50 pictures in there for me. All the old notes. Old cards. Things of that nature. She would always give me one or two through out the school day.

 

I know that I should not have looked through that box but it's hard for me to read things like "I'll always be here for you because I know what it's like not have to anyone" or "I can't picture my life without you in it" or "I just want it to always be you and me". I know that she won't probably say things again to someone else for a long time, but I guess you realize a lot by looking at that stuff.

 

It hurts. I was not tempted to contact her. But I just put the box away and went to sleep. I have started to move on. But she does run constantly through my thoughts. I have nothing to say to her at this point and she has nothing to say to me. It is what it is right now.

[midnightrambler]

the true test is when the stuff goes in the dumpster......that is when you have moved on

[hockeyboy]

again, normal stuff.

 

in my parents attic somewhere, there is a huge box of stuff collected from the girl i dated for 4 years. pictures, letters, ticket stubs, all kinds of stuff. you dont have to throw it away, but you dont have to look at it either. and good job not breaking down.

 

stuff she wrote like that is normal too...it happens, things change. my senior year book is filled with stuff like that. in the long run...it just really doesnt matter.

 

you'll never forget this girl...so dont try to...but at some point thinking of her won't hurt...and you won't be thinking of her 24/7.

 

what you had is a typical first love/hs relationship, which is great and will end up benefiting you down the road. you will move on to other relationships which will benefit you as well.

 

in the end, all of it will help you.

[thekid55]

I agree. I am starting to feel a whole lot better. I'm used to her not being in my life anymore.

 

One of her best friend's IMed today while I had my away message up saying "hi". Her best friend and I have only talked online once, and that was years ago. I do think that those two hung out today and she was over the house then. Again, it's her probably looking for my attention again, but I did not submit to it. I'm starting to learn hockeyboy. As I told you before, I told her to leave me alone last week. She has abide by that so far. I can give her credit for that. I'm in the process of that college education...gotta be good for something right? =)

[hockeyboy]

no need to respond to message like "hi." good job.

 

college will change you in more ways then you can imagine. enjoy it....

[thekid55]

Right I agree with that statement. I'm really looking forward to heading back this weekend.

 

I do have one question. At this point, if she contacts me, what should I do? I don't want to blow her off to make it seem like I'm playing games. The last interaction I had was telling her to just leave me alone. I know that she will initiate contact with me at some point. How do you think I should go about handling it? A small conversation? Don't ask too many questions? I do want to get back with her and all. I am starting to heal. What do you think?

[hockeyboy]

If she texts you "hi" or something along those lines, then like i said, there is no need or obligation to respond. i know you think she'll think your playing games when you don't respond..but i think she'll take you more seriously. realize you meant what you said when you told her to leave you alone...that your trying to move on etc. you say you dont want to get back with her at all...but i think you do, and i think she thinks the same thing. thats fine and normal...but you need to change that perception.

 

if she calls and leaves a message about something serious then you return her call. when she tries to make it into small talk, you end it and remind her what you said.

 

If you talk...I strongly recommend you don't ask her any questions...none. There's nothing you need to know. And like I said, I'd only talk to her if she called, left a message, and it was something serious or something you had to address.

[thekid55]

Thats what I was planning on doing. Unless she leaves me a voicemail telling me something is seriously wrong or things along those lines, there's no need to respond to texts or calls. What if she IMs me online? Should I have a small conversation with her without asking any questions? I am still interested in this girl, but I need to fake it a little more and play harder to get...What do you think? It has been about a week and a half since we spoke. What about trying to make her jealous or even game playing?

 

I'm thinking more long term. I would love to have her back this summer. Last summer was truly special together and I loved every minute of it. She has this new boyfriend and all. I really don't think they are too serious. I've heard that they have had sex, but she is also kinda flirty with other guys. So I really don't know. I need to give her time to grow up. But this summer would be ideal.

[hockeyboy]

See, you said you didn't want her back, but now you do. Normal, but until that changes, def. do not talk to her.

 

If she im's you online, just ignore her....you told her to leave you alone. if you are really worried what she'll think (dont think you should be) then just go "idle" so she doesnt know if you ignored her or just stepped away.

 

your better of planning on a future without her then vice versa. if you two date again, that will work itself out in time, but not until you've moved on, or least a lot more then you have.

 

your focusing to much on her. you need to slowly adopt the "f it" attitude with this and her. you dont want to talk to people who dont want to talk to you. you dont want to be with someone who doesnt want to be with you. right now, even if you were to get back together, she would completely dominate the relationship. thats why i dont think people should ever just get back together...if your going to date again, its going to be after a long period, and it's going to be a new relationship.

 

you said you need to "fake it" a little more.

 

well ill tell you straight up..ive thought that way, ive tried.....she'll know when your "faking" it and she'll know when your all business.

[thekid55]

I do want the girl back. Even after all this time, I do. However, I refuse to let myself be the doormat anymore with this situation. I'm not going to reply to "Hi's" or anything like that. I know I say that now, but I know that I will probably have a short conversation, not ask her any questions and be the one to end it.

 

I'm going back to school on Monday and I'm going out every day next weekend. I'll probably meet someone new.

 

But by ignoring her, that make it seems like I am playing games, even though I did tell her to leave me alone straight up...

[hockeyboy]

1. You want what you think was her/what she was back. not her.

2. Challenge yourself to not have any contact

3. Now is not the time to meet someone new (in a dating way). I wouldn't recommend it, no matter how "right" it seems...and trust me, I know how it seems right.

4. It's not playing games..its standing your ground! She may get angry, cranky, whiny, or whatever else...but she'll also finally have some respect for you.

 

I used to beg for my ex back. Eventually I moved on and was with hanging out with some girl. She heard about it and got jealous. She called me...cried...i stood my ground...she got angry...i stood my ground...she cried again...i stood my ground. you need to stand your ground.

[thekid55]

I get all the points that you are making.

 

However, I don't know. I'm trying to stand my ground here. I really don't have any urges to contact her because I know it'll just drive her away, plus I don't really have anything to say to her. I know right after the breakup, maybe 2 weeks after we broke up, she heard that I was hanging out with these girls and she called, was pissed off, really jealous. I didn't stand my ground then. I said "those girls don't mean anything, blah blah". Plus my ex-girlfriend is probably one of the most jealous girls I've ever come accross in life.

 

I do feel like, every day that she doesn't contact me, the more her feelings are starting to decline. The stronger her feelings are going towards her new boyfriend, even though I do think he is just a scapegoat in order to try to make me jealous.

 

Now that I reflect on the past 3 months or so, I feel like she has been using people to try to make me jealous. I remember she told me when she was going back out on her first date. For some odd reason (to make me jealous), she told me.

 

Around Christmas time, she had this guy from Mississippi fly all the way to east coast to visit her for a week. (It was planned in November after the breakup). Now, the only time they see each other is for a week in the summer when they go to the same vacation spot. She has never had any feelings for him what so ever. Her dad didn't even know why she wanted the kid to come, but he allowed it. I think it was to make me jealous. She made an absolutely huge deal about this kid coming to visit, now she doesn't even talk to him. She used him.

 

New boyfriend is an absolute loser. I've bashed him to her on one occasion and she tried to defend him and say "He's a nice guy. He doesn't smoke, blah blah." The kid is an absolute loser. Another thing to try to make me jealous. And you know what? It doesn't make me jealous at all anymore. Yeah, at later date I said to her, "I wish you two the best of luck. Your personal life isn't my business anymore". Gotta take the high road.

 

Anyway, I just think it's all a game to make me jealous. Maybe, maybe not. Trying to show me that I've been replaced. I can't be replaced. Even on myspace tonight, she has a picture up of two older people holding hands looking at a lake and she underneath of that, "I wanna love like that".....Hellloo? You HAD one. At the same time, she has that she just wants to go out, party, have no regrets..Definitely doesn't know what she wants... I admit that I am not the same person right now that she first met. I'm on my way to get that back. I can't help, but look at myspace It doesn't bother me anymore.

 

But anyway, I do feel like I am losing her with every day that goes by. Her feelings are probably increasing with the new guy..is that really the case or is making the situation better? Maybe she just doesn't think of me anymore and she's completely over everything? Thoughts on this post?

[hockeyboy]

If she ever gets pissed off at you for hanging out with another girl, tell her she has no right to be angry and stand your ground.

 

If she's trying to make you jealous, don't show any signs of jealousy, even if you are.

 

Not talking to her is not hurting you in any way. Read the movie quote again...read it every day. she is not forgetting about you, she'll always remember you. That's not to say she's going to want you back some day, but she can't forget you.

 

Your still in the mode of trying to think of ways to get her back, which is fine, for now. Ironically, the only chance you probably have to get her back is after you've stopped thinking of ways to do so...after you've moved on.

[thekid55]

even today, I went on myspace. Again. I can't help myself.

 

I wrote on here about she had the blog about 10 different people. Well, she updated it. Before she had like, I think I wasted a year and a half...blah blah. Now she has, "Now that you are out of my life, stay out =)" I do believe that I was the one tell her to leave me alone. Also, in this blog, she is absolutely trashing some of her closest friends. By looking at this, any person who feels the need to bash others, especially online, must be having a great crappy life. Very unhappy.

 

I think she is trying to put up this facade on everything is great when she probably isn't happy. I don't know though.

 

Me not doing anything about the situation is the best bet. I need time.

[hockeyboy]

STOP. you need to get some more will power. how is benefiting you at all to look?

 

her blog is a typical a stupid hs thing to do. ignore it, it's useless. its an attention seeker. im sure she knew you'd look at it....so she's trying to get to you and your letting her.

 

whatever you do, don't sink to her level. and if your going to talk to anyone she talks to...dont have much at all to say about her, and anything you do say includes the " f it" attitude.

[thekid55]

Hockeyboy,

 

I am so pissed off right now. I went out drinking wit my friends tonight. So I am a bit intoxicated. But Im sobering up.

 

I got home and I went on myspace and she had pictures up of this dance she went to with him tonight. She looks so happy to be with him and he isn't even smiling in any of the 4 pictures. Plus he is ugly as dirt. All I've been told that he is a nice guy. It makes me so mad. She is my girl. I know that we belong together. And she is wasting her time with this clown. And she still has the nerve to write like "Hey baby" to like, 4 other guys on myspace. Basically, she knows that I would not tolerate her saying that type of stuff to other guys and he really doesn't care what she says to them. She even wrote "Hey babyyy" today to her ex before me that she absolutely hates and thinks is the scum of the earth. This all a bunch of Bs hockeyboy. When are things going to start going my way? This is ridiculous.

[hockeyboy]

STOP LOOKING AT HER MYSPACE

 

When are things going to start going my way? This is ridiculous.

 

They won't, until you start making things go your way. There are things you can control and things you can't. Your worrying constantly about the things you can't control and ignoring the things you can.

[thekid55]

I mean, things go my way with her. Yes, I know that forgetting her and moving past her are the only ways to get this back together. The movie quote, I know.

 

Honestly, I just feel like she is trying to get attention from anyone that is willing to give it to her. Even the crappiest people. People who did her wrong and she despised. She was never like this. Again, I never did anything wrong to her. She is just avoiding me. But I did tell her to leave me alone last week. At least she is respecting my wishes there.

 

I have no idea what is going on with her. Dating this ugly kid. It's gross. No one thinks he is attractive, at all. She is such a beautiful girl too, I have no idea what she is doing. Yes, I know that I am worrying about things I can't control. I just wish I could see what's going through her mind and why she has been pushing me away. I know that I need to just disappear.

[hockeyboy]

if you tell her to leave you alone, then you should expect just that. just because it feels like it sucks, doesn't mean it's not the best thing.

 

stop worrying about this other guy. there's no need. i would highly expect that she will end up leaving him or he will leave her anyways

[thekid55]

Do you think me telling her to just leave me alone was the best thing to do at that time?

 

Also, how and when do should contact be re-established between us? Who should do it?