My problem is slowly killing my relationship!

[demolition_lover88]

I have a massive problem controlling my jealousy and being able to trust people. I've been with my current boyfriend for 8 months now, we are pretty serious about each other and i have no reason whatsoever not to trust him.

 

I dated a guy for 2 years and towards the end of our relationship he started going out with his mates alot. I didnt really have a problem with this because its normal for couples to go out seperatly. One night he told me he was going out into town with his best friend. I thought nothing of it. I generally trusted my ex boyfriend at the time. He used to be a flirt with girls over myspace, that was the only thing that caused us problems. However that night my boyfriend said he was going home after going out with his friend, because his friend was on holiday. The next day out of the blue he finished with me. I cant remember now his reasons for finishing with me now, something along the lines of he didnt feel the same anymore. I didnt think anything of it until his friend got back from his holiday. He told me the night they'd gone out together my boyfriend had invited a girl out he'd met from myspace. Afterwards they'd gone home together. I straightaway questioned my ex boyfriend and he told me they'd slept together (at this time he was trying to get back with me, after finishing with me), the girl who'd he slept with then went out to rub it in my face that she'd stolen my boyfriend of two years. After that things were never the same and i havent been able to trust anyone since.

 

At the weekend me and my partner went out seperatly in town with friends. When i met up with him, a girlfriend of one of his friends said he was a really nice guy, but he was also flirty. I was drunk at the time and it really upset me, as i hate to think of my boyfriend wanting to be with someone else or cheating on me. He didnt cheat on me, but since then things have been really awkward and he has barely spoken to me. I think my jealousy if ruining my relationship and my lack of trust. I dont know what to do. Please help!

 

I'd like to speak to my boyfriend, but i dont know how he'd react.

[karvala]

How he'd react, and indeed the merits of the situation as a whole, really depend on *how* you talked to him. It is entirely understandable that you have trust issues after your previous relationship, and his going out on the town and flirting with other girls, if that is what actually happened, is not exactly helpful. It is possible you are being too hard on yourself by blaming it all on your jealous tendencies alone.

 

On the other hand, you need to show some degree of trust in him, and make a conscious choice to trust him, and that might mean ignoring the occasional bit of innocent foolishness on his part (but certainly don't overlook any real warning signs).

 

When these issues come up, though, the key is how you handle them, and you've given little indication here, except that he's barely spoken to you since. Why is that?

[demolition_lover88]

thank you for replying!

 

It didnt help that i confronted these issues there and then. I was quite drunk as i said, and got judgemental straightaway. Later on when were alone we talked about it, he explained and i said i understood that he didnt want to be with anyone else apart from me. He said he was hurt that i bought it up infront of his friends. I didnt mention anything as to why i find it hard to trust people and control my jealousy.

 

Since then he has made no contact with me. I've tried contacting him with no reply.

[karvala]

Have you mentioned to him why you find it hard to trust someone? If not, that's certainly something you should do, emphasising that you don't believe he'll do that to you, but you hope he will understand why you have trust issues and will try to help you with that.

 

You (and he) are right; confronting him in front of his friends, and while you're drunk, are not at all a good idea, but at least you know that for next time.

 

If I were you, I'd really be the bigger person here, and make one more attempt at contact, saying you hope he's well, you understand he feels hurt, but the situation is not going to get any better while you're ignoring each other, so you hope he'll get in touch and you can both put this behind you. Light, pleasant and firmly in control would definitely sound the right tone here.

[demolition_lover88]

he knows that i've been cheated on in a previous relationship before, i never really went into it in detail though. Although he knows ive been cheated on, i dont think he knows that its made me have trust issues.

 

i've just tried ringing, no reply, so i sent him a nice message explaining that i was sorry and that i was out of order for upsetting him infront of friends. i'm not really sure what to do now. its been almost 3 days no contact on his behalf and i'm starting to get worried. we're going to london on saturday and i really dont want us to be miserable the whole time.

[karvala]

Okay, that's light and pleasant, but not quite firmly in control. You've apologised and tried to make the situation right; now it's over to him to join in the effort. Don't feel bad about this anymore, really. If you have any more contact prior to Saturday, and you should really leave it at least a day or two now if you can bear it, it should not be unreservedly apologetic as it has been, but more of a light and pleasant "get over it" message to him. He needs to be encouraged to stop sulking in other words, rather than rewarded for it by having his ego stroked as it is at the moment.