So you've been dumped and want them back?

[CntFunction]

thnk u i have this exact prob but not anymore no way.

[roxy79]

what problem did you have and no longer have anymore?

[indespair]

Well, I'm a girl and am going thru the breakup now. Are there different dynamics between guys and girls in the breakup process? My guy says that he was feeling too dependent on me and wants to live more independently and have his freedom to do what he wants when he wants to do it...and he broke up with me on the eve of his moving in with me! Th thing is...its so evident that he is still attracted to me. The breakup happened 4 days ago and he called me last night as I was on the way to a club and he told me that he was waiting there and he had to kiss me! So when I got there we kissed passionately and I could feel that he really missed me. But then, in the club, we talked about this whole thing and he claims that he was just being compassionate! And that he still wants me in his life as his best friend. Are these mixed messages, or what is he trying to say?? I leave feeling shaken, confused, and filled with longing to be with him. I know he still has feelings for me, so why do this??? Any guys out there who has been thru this or done this and is this your way of demonstrating you're not sure?

[no_bad_news]

So basically after reading this entire thread...we should forge the ex....

And in a year..after they break up with someone else...they may return...it seems there is no difference for men and woman....it is all the same....MOVE on...they don't want us....there is always a chance if they are living...but don't hold your breath.....

I think the hardest thing is to think about getting involved with somone else....I feel like that won't ever happen..because I will always HOPE! The reality of being dumped...is that you should never be dumped again...never give up control..and don't fully believe what your partner says..and never be fully available...even when married!! That is the sad truth that I have learned....never give up on your independence.......keep it always....love yourself first..and your partner second....

[BONO]

Sorry had to ping this to the top again !

 

Scruff

[Rob1000]

Thanks scruff. Enjoyable reading.

[CamGuy]

You know, although this may appear to be sound advice, I fear you are forgetting one HUGE variable to the equation. Whereas I agree with you that you should be happy, and move on, and better yourself, converse with new people, etc......You can't carry on this behavior WHILE THINKING IN THE BACK OF YOUR MIND: THIS WILL GET MY EX BACK.

 

Do not think about your ex. I posted an earlier thread about this: Real life is not like the movies. Your ex is not going to come running back to you right before you are about to leave town, etc, etc. I think we all have this idea or notion that if we practice the NC method, our ex partner will come chasing after us because they miss us so much. The truth is simple:

 

1) They dumped you. So ask yourself....as much as it hurts (and trust me, I am going through the same scenario), do you really want to be with someone who does not want to be with you.

 

2). This isn't hollywood. The happy endings we expect are usually just fantasy that we've been conditioned to believe actually happens. It USUALLY doesn't.

 

3) DO THINGS FOR YOU, NOT FOR YOUR EX. Screw your ex. They left you. Be selfish. Do what you want to do, FOR YOU. Better yourself. Get a new hobby, do things you've always wanted to do......and not with the underlying intention that you hope your ex partern recognizes all these "NEW" things about you. You have to remove the EX from the equation entirely. Because truthfully, if you are doing all these "NEW" things, just so you hope your ex comes running back to you, (even if you are just practicing NC), then the reality of the situation is that you are still letting them (your ex) get the best of you.

 

Took me a while to realize this, but the trick is to do things that make YOU feel better. Not make your EX feel better about YOU. Win your own approval, not someone elses. If you do this, you will be much happier and much more fulfilled in life. From personal experience, if you do this, and your ex does come running back, chances are, you won't even want them back.

 

THATS REAL LIFE.

[Trex]

CamGuy,

 

You are so RIGHT!! My ex told me last thursday that we will NEVER be back together after I went through all the flowers, attention, etc. TRYING to win her back. For two months, I never begged, but I made it clear that I still had feelings for her. But when she said "never" I told her "thank you for being honest" and "by the way I met someone and maybe it's not a good idea for us to be hanging out anymore." I could tell that she is definitely jealous (she said "Wow, you really are moving on and sounded hurt. I replied "You broke up with me, what am I supposed to do??), but she tried hard not to show her jealousy too much.

 

I AM MOVING ON--- and she knows it. She called sunday and monday nights sounding like she NEVER sounds--- depressed and sad. I called back reluctantly (but because we are friends and I haven't asked her not to call) and she was SO HAPPY to talk with me. I told her I was shooting a little film later in the week and she said "I want to be in it!" I told her "maybe..." and then said I needed to let her go (we talked just under 10 minutes). She didn't call last night, but I KNOW the fact that I am dating around, that I'm doing fun things that she is no longer a part of, has her wondering if she made the right decision to give up on us. I am NOT PINING anymore, and I have almost given up. Only now am I starting to see signs that she is at least unhappy (she was always laughing before). That's a start. But I'm not really going to worry about it. CamGuy is right, why do I want to waste my time worrying about someone who doesn't want me? Wise words. If she does ask to get back with me in the future, I will definitely have to think long and hard about it, and in the end, I just might not want her.

[coooolsome]

A huge part of your ex coming back has a lot to do with how you handle the breakup and how quickly you move on. If your ex knows you will be waiting around, then it lets them wander around with you in their back pocket until they find someone else and know they will definitely not come back.

 

Best way to get your ex back, is to let them go and move on.

[Blehhh]

Vfunkera and others,

 

My question is, are you sure it's important for them to see you happy right after the breakup? I've been being good about no contact so far and didn't whine and beg during the actual break up (although I did try to get him to think logically and work through things -- am I screwed for not just totally walking away??). He left a VM 2 days later asking if we could meet up to talk and see how I'm doing that night. I e-mailed that I didn't think it was a good idea right now and that maybe he could contact me later or I'd get in touch at a better time. He then wrote back a heart-felt e-mail apologizing for many of the things, even saying "I love you." But he also mentioned that he hopes we can get past this and be friends, so I can tell he's still sticking to his position. He's also emailed my sister and close friends saying he's sorry it didn't worked out and hopes they will be there for me. He seems to be trying to do "damage control."

 

What do I do now if I want to get him back (which I'm actually still determining)??? Is it important that I be friends with him sometime soon??? All I know right now is that I miss him a lot.

 

Thanks so much! Here's the link to my whole story:

 

[kd78]

Question also...

 

My ex (since Jan after almost 6 years) has been contacting me with increasing regularity. He is seeing someone else (a girl he had a crush on at the end of our relationship).

 

We had been kinda friendly since the break, but I havn't been chasing, and only replying back to his emails if they justified a response.

 

3 weeks ago we were at a mutual friends birthday party, and ended up having a very long conversation where he was saying how much he missed me, and that no one could replace me, he wanted to take care of me etc etc.. (new gf was there, but asleep)

 

So in the last couple of weeks since then he has been emailing me more often, sms'd and rang me for the first time since we have broken up, but not really saying anything... like hopes I have a nice easter wherever I am going, and checking that I am alive... But as far as I know is still seeing the other girl.

 

Should I try and find out if he is just trying to be 'friends' in some misguided kind of way? I feel like I am taking any contact in the wrong way, and am just setting myself up for more hurt.

 

Should I continue no contact, or try and sit down with him at some stage, and try and "get on the same page". What if he doesn't know?

[Cyprian]

Thought I would bump this one up. I like it!

[1forthegipper]

Bump..Bump, bump bump!!!

[frida123]

Dear Friends,

very interesting and helpful reading this. Im thinking that for me NC is a way of respecting myself and my X. Contacting someone who doesnt want you in their life anymore is for me not very respectful. And is that how you want to be perceived by your X? As someone who forces him/herself onto them, not respecting them or would you rather having them think about you as some one with integrity and who shows respect for them and their wishes?

About telling them how much you miss them. I think here is a fine line between telling them "my life is ruined and its your fault", which will make them feel guilt and not love when they think of you, or proudly saying that "I respect and cmprehend that you need to do this right now. I just want to say that I love you very much, and I want you to know that I would want to try and work things out if you wanted to, as well. This is not the case though, and I really dont want to be with some one who doesnt want to be with me".

Another thing you should avoid is lowering yourself. Thinking about the old story of the man who was married to this beautiful woman and who every day said "youre so beautiful, I dont understand that some one like me could be married to you". He repeated this very day until one day she said, " I dont understand that either" and left...

On the other hand, having fun and dating et cetera I think you should do for yourself. My X doesnt have a clue about my life, he will not know what Im doing, unless I contact him. So I can sit home crying every day if I wished to. I do some days. I think avoiding grief doesnt help, it will come run ning back to you. And for me, it doesnt work dating other people until Im ready, I will just end up with another separation, Which is some thing I really dont want right now.

[finalcloud13]

Does this advice go for both if the ex does and doesn't have someone else? Because, I can do the acting happy all the time but I can't seem to flirt with others or anything like that. It's a subtle attempt of telling them that I'm faithful and my love for them will not falter whether I can be with them or not. What should I do?

[1forthegipper]

FC13,

 

If your ex dumped you and if they are with someone or not, I believe that you have every right to live your life how YOU seem fit and most important you need to live your life for YOU. Your ex has clearly stated that they can live without you and do not need you and are basically giving you your freedom to do what you want. Any ex that will sit there and expect the one they dumped to sit and wait and not date is a fool, whether we chose to talk to another person,date,fall in love again,get married or whatever that is up to us and that is our right as a dumpee.

 

The ex does not control us and we do not have to answer to them anymore. I think what this post is suggesting is that you live your life and enjoy your freedom as a single person, feel good, look good,act with confidence and this can only have your ex look at you in a different light. There is nothing more attractive than a happy,self-confident,attractive person is there???? How many times do you drive around town or doing your daily duties and you see a nice looking person, well groomed, smiling and happy and think..."Sheesh!! They're hott!!!" Well what would your ex think of you if you were still there being faithful, not taking care of yourself, sad, miserable, crying and depressed????...he's be saying "Sheesh!!!! how sad and pathetic!!!"...

 

Be yourself, put yourself first and foremost. You are #1 and that's how it should be. Live your life for YOU not on the rules or basis of someone else's feeling or expectations especially if THEY Dumped you!!!!

 

Hope this helped!!!

 

Tha Gipp

[finalcloud13]

Thank you for the reply. I am at a stage where I am still hurting, but no longer make it obvious to my ex. I just feel really uneasy about the idea of liking anyone else. My ex is #1 to me. However, I should and will put the effort to at the least be cheerful and optimistic and try not to think of her and her boyfriend so much.

[1forthegipper]

FC13,

 

My ex is #1 to me

 

Is that a rational statement in a breakup??? In a healthy loving relationship where both parties reciprocate love they are both saying "My partner is #1 to me"...in a breakup, one person is saying "My partner is NO LONGER #1 to me" so why would you STILL make her #1 for you????

 

She has moved in a sense, whether she's made the right decision for herself at this time, only time will give you that answer. The last thing you need to do is sit and wait for her to realize what she's done. In time she will have to face reality and be faced with the decisions she's made. For ever action there is a reaction and if you don't think things through thoroughly then expect negative results.

 

I know how you feel, I feel the same but I'm to the point right now where I look back a month and a half ago and see what a mess I was the first week we broke up and man was I a mess. There comes a point in time through all this where you say, "My ex is no better than I am" and you realize to yourself that our ex is no angel from above, no god's gift from above, no one of a kind... I say this only because when going through a breakup we tend to over romanticize what the relationship was or what are ex's really were all along.

 

As hard as it may be, do things for yourself. Go shopping, go to the gym...I know that's everyone's quick remedy here but it really does work, especially the gym!!!.. Give you ex something to miss but most of all give yourself something to be proud of. We will get through this together I can assure of that and if ever do get a second chance would you want to be the same old you or a new and improved you?????

 

Keep us posted FC13, keep your head up high and let the small stuff roll off your back. You are somebody, you are worth more than what she's given you and you will rise above this and become VICTORIOUS!!!!!!!

 

 

Tha Gipp

[finalcloud13]

I hear you. I actually was going to the gym, but I kind of slacked off and eventually quit after the breakup. I don't really want to go either. Nowadays I am very busy with classes; I no longer have time to play basketball either. Being outside does take my mind a bit off of my ex, but she invades my mind constantly. In class, during the drive to class, during breaktime from class, but most of all, when I am at home, alone. It feels pretty much like it does not matter how okay I am during the day when I am out and stuff because I eventually come home and all thoughts and memories come to me. It has been 4 months since, and I improved a little, I feel it. However, it feels like this is the limit to how much I can heal and that happiness will only come back to me once I am back with her.

I may attempt an NC. So far as my ex knows, we are friends. I did tell her before that I like her, so I think she still knows that. So with that, should I inform her that I will NC or not? I don't want her to misunderstand the reason I am ignoring her.