frida123

Dear Friends, very interesting and helpful reading this. Im thinking that for me NC is a way of respecting myself and my X. Contacting someone who doesnt want you in their life anymore is for me not very respectful. And is that how you want to be perceived by your X? As someone who forces him/herself onto them, not respecting them or would you rather having them think about you as some one with integrity and who shows respect for them and their wishes? About telling them how much you miss them. I think here is a fine line between telling them "my life is ruined and its your fault", which will make them feel guilt and not love when they think of you, or proudly saying that "I respect and cmprehend that you need to do this right now. I just want to say that I love you very much, and I want you to know that I would want to try and work things out if you wanted to, as well. This is not the case though, and I really dont want to be with some one who doesnt want to be with me". Another thing you should avoid is lowering yourself. Thinking about the old story of the man who was married to this beautiful woman and who every day said "youre so beautiful, I dont understand that some one like me could be married to you". He repeated this very day until one day she said, " I dont understand that either" and left... On the other hand, having fun and dating et cetera I think you should do for yourself. My X doesnt have a clue about my life, he will not know what Im doing, unless I contact him. So I can sit home crying every day if I wished to. I do some days. I think avoiding grief doesnt help, it will come run ning back to you. And for me, it doesnt work dating other people until Im ready, I will just end up with another separation, Which is some thing I really dont want right now.

Hello again, I know- Im just new here, and it really has been very helpful. All the people here, so friendly and supportive. Just the feeling of not being alone ("am I the onle single in the world?") and also seeing that people feel better after a while. You will too, and me! Frida

Dear Itsjusti, I think you have been very strong. I also think that within you you know the answer to what you "should" and could do at this moment, but that it might be really hard for you right now to do anything. Remember that whatever action you choosee to take or not to take there is no hurry, at this very moment you dont need to decide for anything, all that can wait a few days until yoe feel more balanced. Looking at your situation I think that first of all we can conclude that you allready have done a very good thing. You left after your argument. Considering that you worry about him getting also fysically violent I think that was very wise. When you have a close relationship with someone like this man you normally start questioning yourself- am I that bad as he said or if not, why am I so stupid to stay in this relationship? Remember that most people who do stay(all though you havent- you actually left) are not stupid and in the beginning not unsecure of them selves. What normally happens is that you also have godd times, between the outbursts, and all of us want the good and loving moments. So you starting chasing and hoping for them, you stay as the gambler in front of the slot machine, in hope of winning. Of course you miss him, love him and want him back. Maybe you should consider though if you want all him back, even the arguments. Would you come to the conclusion that you dont need that I think another good thing for you is support. Support from us here, but maybe also in real life. Do you hade good friends or family who can be there for you right now? Wish you the very best, Frida

Hello again, ýes I think youre right, thornycactus. All though my experience some times have been that I didnt express what I wanted or needed in a relationship. In the end I didnt feel satisfied, and the poor biy friens didnt know why. Some times I think you need to be clear about what ypure expecting and what you want from some one.

thank u, nice to see that there are more new people here, and welcome if I can say so (so new myself ). I think youre quite right. My X has been in therapy for a long time, its for personal developmentm which he needs. He says he needs to comprehend what he wants, because up until now I think hes been in relationships mainly because theyve been there for him to stay in. He says he hopes that in teh end he will want to choose me, but I am painfully aware of that it might not happen. I have told him that I want to be with him. But only if he truelly wants to. And that I will be here for him to choose for sometime now, but that in that case we would need to start all over, from the beginning and right this time. And he would need to change. I agree with the NC. Its the best any both ways. getting over him or getting him back. I hope that youre doing as fine as you can. When or if youre ready to tell your story I will listen.

Dear friends, thank you so much for your replies. Its funny, for me its easier and more comfortable "talking" to you or my three closest friends, than with other people. Im still not ready to tell people at my job about us having broke up, just pretend its all going as usual. Feels as I dont want to break down at the job, or with causal friends. Nice also to have different spaces where I can not think about him too much. He is not a nut case , though going through a time of emotional problems. This only makes it so much harder. We had a very loving relationship, with few arguments. Our personalities and interests fit perfectly, intimitely as well. Those are his words. Me, I felt loved, cared for, and was giving that back. I felt secure and safe. At this point when I wake up in the mornings crying thinking about the risk of my mother having a tumor, feeling ever so worried realising how fragile life is and how vulnerable I am. At this point the loss is so hard. I find it hard not being angry with him for wanting spece for personal development at the time I need him the most, for "real". Obviou sly, he doesnt know about my mother and it didnt effect his decision. But within me I feel so abandoned.

Hello, I just found this site and forum yesterday, and I really like it. I prefer obsessing here than with my ex. My ex broke up with me after allmost a year shortly after we´d decided to live together. First, he said he really wanted to live with me, but he felt so anxious about it that in the end he cuoldnt. After a month he wanted to break up. He says that he knows that in his heart he loves me and we´ve had the best relationship he ever has had, but he panics from commitment. He thinks he is redicolous and that I should laugh at him for his immature behaviour. I should meet someone else, I am worth more than him (he cries saying this). He despices himself, and says he cant stop ruminizing (?) about us and the relationship and he needs to work on his commitment issues by him self (He´s in therapy). He says he hopes that he will be able to choose me if he works on himself now, that he knows he has to change. But he also knows I might not be there by then. He is very sad. So, what I get is the ever so hard super double bind- I cant give ypu anything but I would want to give it to you... Where am I in all this? Im sad, lonely, and my thoughts constantly with him. I feel so abandoned, so sad and lonely. We have had two really nice talks, and thank god very loving, not arguing. I think I need some thing else though- I need to focus on me, not contactning him, not pressuring him, and gice my self some space. Get my mind to comprehend that I might have lost my love now. I HAVE lost him. Right now it turns out that my mother has a big lump (?) on her throat, very big, and I am so worried that its a cancer or something else really serious. I dont need two things making me sad right now. I also got a new really exciting and fun job, and I will need to focus on that. And I really need to start working out. But deep inside my hope is still with him, in getting him back. How can I get him out of my mind? Deep inside is also the thoughts on will I ever meet some one again, have a loving relationship. And will that happen in time for me to have a family and childreeen ( age you know).

Hello, I am not sure if I am the one to say this to you, but anyway: what do you think that youre worth in terms of love and relationships? And is that what she is offering you?