Sleeping around is it a big deal anymore???

[Batya33]

Saying premarital sex is not taboo is not the same as saying that in "us society" it is ok to have had several partners. I agree that in most developed countries, premarital sex is not taboo. I do not agree that the US is not a "religious country" - other than there is separation of religion and government - or your other generalizations. I've lived in a major city in the US for 41 years and traveled around and done my reading and learning too and I take issue with those generalizations of yours.

 

to the OP - your arrangement with the phone sex guy sounds kind of degrading and the type of arrangement that someone else might be able to be cool with but it sounds needlessly complicated, unsafe from a health perspective and disrespectful to yourself. Again, that's just from the way you describe it - if you just described the different sex acts and seemed to think it was fun and enjoyable, cool. but from the way you described it ---- not.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

One thing I would like to bring up...you have children...I don't know if you have a daughter...would you like to see your daughter emulating this behaviour? I always found it interesting that the baby boomers who had all this unhibited sex with everyone when they were teenagers in the 60's and 70's completely freak out when they find out that their 16 year old daughter is having sex with her boyfriend. You can't choose one lifestyle and expect your children to live by different standards. Parents teach standards by their actions, not their words.

[LostInMyThoughts]

Saying premarital sex is not taboo is not the same as saying that in "us society" it is ok to have had several partners. I agree that in most developed countries, premarital sex is not taboo. I do not agree that the US is not a "religious country" - other than there is separation of religion and government - or your other generalizations. I've lived in a major city in the US for 41 years and traveled around and done my reading and learning too and I take issue with those generalizations of yours.

 

I said "US Society" because I'm a US Citizen, and I know my society very well.

 

link removed

 

Read that survey; 75% have had premarital sex. I'm guessing US Society is okay with it.

 

The US is not a religious country; there are those who use religion to push their agendas but by and large, I would say america is agnostic.

 

I'm not sure what point your making by saying you've lived in a major US city for 41 years, that has nothing to do with your argument.

[sti_2004]

Arkansas..my new favorite place.

now you know what its like to be a man..

 

when you get back to relationship mode you might feel bad about sleeping around. like really guilty.

 

if i could have my way, my next serious gf would be a virgin or 1 partner tops.

 

are you sure you don't want a relationship? are you sure your not lonely?

[Batya33]

Well no you're presuming that there is something called "US society" and that just because there are certain sexual practices, that they are accepted by that "society." I don't know where you get your "agnostic" generalization from - I know that's not true based on personal experience and my studies. and yes that I've spent all these years in the U.S. and done all my 19 years of education plus a couple of years teaching in public schools certainly enhances my knowledge of whether there is a "US society" and, even if there is, whether your generalizations hold any weight.

[hosswhispra]

Around 3 weeks ago, he wanted me to do him and I said that this wasn't working- I wanted it all or I wasn't playing- he said I was being unfair, I knew how he felt about kissing, etc. and sex with me made me have feelings for him. So, here I am I pulled away. After advice from this website, so I guess maybe that is the big change. I feel in love with someone who didn't want me- I guess because he doesn't want me physically, because he just called he needs me as a friend, he needs to talk to me, and needs to see me- so, emotional he likes me, but physically he doesn't want me.

 

Being in love with someone that isn't giving you what you want sucks-doesn't it?

 

I'd imagine that it would be beneficial to you to figure out why you want someone that can't give you what you want. It's as though you're seeking love/approval/attention from an unlikely source. Is it possible that you aren't ready to date, yet?

 

By the way, I understand what it feels like to want to be loved and looking for it from an unlikely source.

[angeliamce]

One thing I would like to bring up...you have children...I don't know if you have a daughter...would you like to see your daughter emulating this behaviour? I always found it interesting that the baby boomers who had all this unhibited sex with everyone when they were teenagers in the 60's and 70's completely freak out when they find out that their 16 year old daughter is having sex with her boyfriend. You can't choose one lifestyle and expect your children to live by different standards. Parents teach standards by their actions, not their words.

 

Your response really made me ponder a point- my drastic change in my beliefs may have something to do with my daughter. She turned 16 in Jan of this year. I always modeled the behavior I wanted from my children- I did not date, no men at the house, didn't drink, didn't go out- I was a happy mother. She didn't really ever go anywhere- her friends came here. Guess what?? She shared with me that she has had sex several times- so, basically it was all a waste- me living a certain way didn't make a difference with her. Only thing I can say is she really is happy with herself. Her self image is great in the sense that she not depend on what others think about her. She really likes herself. She does lose interest in guys quickly, but she also doesn't lose her identity because of a guy.

 

So, maybe my drastic change in thinking is because I love my daughter. And she does not share my past beliefs on sexuality. Sex is really no big deal with her- her words. She hasn't been molested or anything like that. I have had no one - no dates no boyfriend around her in 8 years- so, its not me. I have been teaching and talking and modeling the importances of waiting for the right guy since she was young. Guess why she had sex??? She said she never wanted to be like me- I had sex with one guy (her father) and then I put up with him for years. I told her my life wasn't bad- eventhough I had a bad relationship I still graduated college, had great kids, a good house, and rewarding job- so, living right and good really didn't make a difference with her.

[Batya33]

I think you're forgetting that even if a teenager has sex it doesn't mean she hasn't absorbed the parents' values- she's just not acting on it right then. also you seem to be a great deal of weight in what a young girl tells you about her views on sex. she's young and may not even know the impact it could have on her emotionally.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree with Batya. Also, on a certain level, could you subconsciously be thinking "hell, if even my 16 year old daughter is having sex, why am I not having sex". Your daughter is not wise and knowing...plain and simple, she is succumbing to peer pressure and the in your face sexuality that is prevalent is today's society. Sex is no big deal to her because kids have been desensitized to it. I remember hearing a story about a bunch of 13 year olds at a Bar Mitzvah and the girls were under the table at the reception giving blow jobs to the boys. This is how pathetically desensitized society and the younger generation are to sex. Sex is no longer an act of love to be shared..it is common place, something to do or else you will be considered a freak...and unacceptable. Don't adopt the values of a 16 year old. You showed her a good example...unfortunately peer pressure won out...but I am sure she absorbed the lessons. She will need your support when her boyfriend finds a new sex partner and she is devastated.

[LostInMyThoughts]

Arkansas..my new favorite place.

now you know what its like to be a man..

 

when you get back to relationship mode you might feel bad about sleeping around. like really guilty.

 

if i could have my way, my next serious gf would be a virgin or 1 partner tops.

 

are you sure you don't want a relationship? are you sure your not lonely?

 

Having a virgin for a gf isn't all that it's cracked up to be, either.

 

Sex is a double edged sword.

[LostInMyThoughts]

Well no you're presuming that there is something called "US society" and that just because there are certain sexual practices, that they are accepted by that "society." I don't know where you get your "agnostic" generalization from - I know that's not true based on personal experience and my studies. and yes that I've spent all these years in the U.S. and done all my 19 years of education plus a couple of years teaching in public schools certainly enhances my knowledge of whether there is a "US society" and, even if there is, whether your generalizations hold any weight.

 

There is no presumption on anything; feel free to freshen up on what defines a society, and whether or not the US meets the definition of a society.

 

You've not presented any thing that says premarital sex isn't accepted by the norm and instead tried to say that there is no such thing as US Society, and that your education means you know more.

 

Sorry that you disagree; you're entitled to your opinion, no matter how wrong it is.

[Batya33]

You've not presented any thing that says premarital sex isn't accepted by the norm

 

 

and you have not presented anything that it is or that the US is a society that is mostly agnostic.

 

"no matter who wrong it is"

 

interesting choice of words!

[rootcause43]

As a 38 year old guy who swims in similar dating pools in the South, here are my thoughts:

 

1) I don't ask partners or potential partners about how many different people they have been with and I don't like answering the questions myself.

 

2) Dating is not one big orgy. But it sounds like you have sexual desires built up and I'm not going to condemn you for going out there and sampling the buffet. Just be careful how much you put on your plate.

 

3) The BJ for the guy you just wanted to make feel good. Well, it doesn't sound like he minded and you weren't emotionally involved. So no harm. No foul. Besides, I hear the young people don't even consider it sex since Bill Clinton told them it wasn't (or didn't tell them it was) a decade or so ago.

 

4) Just be careful with your mental state. If you go into every relationship closed off emotionally then .... well, that's not a fun life IMHO. But if you are going to be active early on (physically) then there is little choice.

 

5) My post is useless. If I have anything of substance to add, I'll post something new.

 

Good luck.

[fivespot]

Batya33, just because LostInMyThoughts doesn't have hard statistical data, that doesn't make his observations wrong. I know exactly what he's talking about and I completely agree.

 

The truth is american culture--at least pop culture--is extremely agnostic. You have sitcoms and movies with very secular families, and the religious are often viewed as fanatics.

 

That's not to say our society is like this. But we--as a society--are influenced by this and other behaviors--like storylines that revolve around multiple sexual partners, underage drinking, cheating, etc; and the more we see this, the less we tend to view it as being wrong.

 

Again, these are generalizations and I have no hard proof, but you can't deny this is happening.

[angeliamce]

As a 38 year old guy who swims in similar dating pools in the South, here are my thoughts:

 

1) I don't ask partners or potential partners about how many different people they have been with and I don't like answering the questions myself.

 

2) Dating is not one big orgy. But it sounds like you have sexual desires built up and I'm not going to condemn you for going out there and sampling the buffet. Just be careful how much you put on your plate.

 

3) The BJ for the guy you just wanted to make feel good. Well, it doesn't sound like he minded and you weren't emotionally involved. So no harm. No foul. Besides, I hear the young people don't even consider it sex since Bill Clinton told them it wasn't (or didn't tell them it was) a decade or so ago.

 

4) Just be careful with your mental state. If you go into every relationship closed off emotionally then .... well, that's not a fun life IMHO. But if you are going to be active early on (physically) then there is little choice.

 

5) My post is useless. If I have anything of substance to add, I'll post something new.

 

Good luck.

 

 

Great post- I just came home for lunch and checked this- you made me laugh. Have a great day!!!!!!!!!

[servedcold]

Have found that in my relationships, women are always the one to bring the subject up, and that in most of my relationships, the woman has had more partners than me, some many more. At 43, having had 25-30 sexual partners in my life, I feel rather chaste compared to most women out there who haven't been married or in longer term relationships, who seem to have all been with 50-100 men in their lives (most of these women I'm talking about are 37+). I have no problem with this so long as the promiscuity hasn't been the cause or result of emotional issues with intimacy, but find that such is the case more often than not.

 

My last ex and I were talking about this topic one day, and I asked her, "Don't you think having so many partners takes something away from the mystery and intensity when you meet someone special?" She looked at me with a very dead, cool look in her eyes and said, "Nothing is special, and there is no mystery." My heart sank a little when she said that, and I fear that due to being pushed into frequent sex by media and marketing, many women and men feel this way today.

 

Marketing is fear driven, and the fear that one isn't getting enough sex out of life is a very primal fear, easy to prey on. Women are being told that if they aren't having three orgasms a day that they are "less than," then other marketing hooks products to the sex drive. Works on us all, and is sad commentary on how easily we are manipulated.

[Momene]

I'm 52 and only slept with 8 different girls. I'm almost a virgin!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

25-30 partners at age 43 is still a lot. You are condemning women yet your behaviour is also rather promiscuous. There are people out there who have only had one partner throughout their life or maybe 2 or 3 and they are quite satisfied. It is not the number of partners that counts...it is the quality of the relationship that matters...everyone seems to have lost sight of that in their efforts to outdo each other with the number of notches on the bed post...and this notion that we have to grab pleasure where we can and from whomever, no matter how fleeting and meaningless it is. Sex has become about competition and peer pressure and the person with the most experience wins...or if there is a feeling that maybe there has been too many partners, people look at others with more and then get all self righteous by saying...well, that person had 200 partners and I only had 100 so that means I am not so terrible compared to the other person. There is always this sense of looking over your shoulder at others when the only person you have to be true to, is yourself.

[servedcold]

25-30 partners at age 43 is still a lot. You are condemning women yet your behaviour is also rather promiscuous.

 

Allowing for several mid and long term relationships, that's 1-2 per year after age 20, when I lost my virginity, I don't think that's really promiscuous, do you? especially compared to the average bachelor, but fair enough.

 

Nowhere in my post did I condemn women, just stated the fact that very few of the women I've known who have been with many men aren't carrying emotional baggage because of it. I don't think men carry the same level of sexual baggage as women generally, emotional baggage yes, purely sexual baggage no. I agree with you entirely otherwise.

[mumble]

Sexuality is idiosyncratic.

 

Not every Casanova is a cad, nor every dame a tramp.

 

Some people view it as a very affable activity.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Allowing for several mid and long term relationships, that's 1-2 per year after age 20, when I lost my virginity, I don't think that's really promiscuous, do you? especially compared to the average bachelor, but fair enough.

 

Nowhere in my post did I condemn women, just stated the fact that very few of the women I've known who have been with many men aren't carrying emotional baggage because of it. I don't think men carry the same level of sexual baggage as women generally, emotional baggage yes, purely sexual baggage no. I agree with you entirely otherwise.

 

I think that's where the whole desensitization to sex comes in. There are many people out there who have had less than 10 relationships in their lifetime, even 5 or less, because their relationships were long-term. It is sad when people now view having 1-2 sex partners every single year as being conservative. I have seen lots of posts on this board where people even condemn those who have had only one or two partners in their life as being too inexperienced. So yes, there seems to be this confusion in people's minds as to what is an appropriate number of sex partners...and that differs from person to person. You are condemned if you have had too few and you are condemned if you have had too many. Everything is based on a number not on quality.

[fivespot]

I have seen lots of posts on this board where people even condemn those who have had only one or two partners in their life as being too inexperienced.

 

As much as I don't want to admit it, this was the main reason my ex broke up with me. She said I was too inexperienced because I've only slept with her. I thought I performed well and I certainly was always ready to go.

 

For some reason it bothered her, though. It never made too much sense to me. I was willing to accept the fact that she was with MANY guys...why couldn't she accept me for who I was? With me only being with her, I saw it as kind of romantic, but what do I know? She was always special to me, even before the sex.

[deleted_x]

Everyone is different. Some guys care. Some guys don't.

 

I care, but I can look past it if I love the person. Never thought I would be able to look past it, honestly, but I found out that I can with my ex.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

As much as I don't want to admit it, this was the main reason my ex broke up with me. She said I was too inexperienced because I've only slept with her. I thought I performed well and I certainly was always ready to go.

 

For some reason it bothered her, though. It never made too much sense to me. I was willing to accept the fact that she was with MANY guys...why couldn't she accept me for who I was? With me only being with her, I saw it as kind of romantic, but what do I know? She was always special to me, even before the sex.

 

That is very sad and she is the big loser. She will find out as she goes along, that just because a man has had a lot of partners, doesn't make him an ideal lover, nor does it necessarily make him a better partner all the way around. I think it is very romantic that she was your first...she is the naive one if that is the chief reason she broke up with you. That is a very silly reason and maybe one day when some stud breaks her heart, she will realize what a good thing she threw away.

[sti_2004]

op i think you should at least be friends with the people you have sex with....imo. if you start having sex with random people at the bar then your gonna get bit.

take care and be safe.