Anyone who's considering divorce.Please Read

[SheHazCatEyez]

you can close your eyes to the things you dont wont to see,but you cant close your heart to the things you dont wont to feel

A divorce is like a new house that you've worked so hard to build with so much time,effort,thought,and care invested in it,then having a tornado come and destroy it.So you can either wait for someone else to come along with the bulldozer to haul off the remaining pieces so you can start over with a fresh new design OR you can pick up the remaining pieces,start rebuilding by hand and make sure you build a more solid foundation and disaster proof it as much as possible this time around.Divorce is a hard thing for anyone involved,but staying were your not happy is gonna be the hardest in the long run.So whichever you choose(packing up and walking out to move on) and saying "Here comes to the rest of my life" or (staying in it when u are unhappy),then your gonna be stuck saying "There goes my life". But,you got to think what makes you happy,what you want in the future,and if you don't see a lasting marriage in it,then by no means get out.Quit postering the idea or bickering about how unhappy you are and do something about it,cause no one can make that decision but you.Only you know what it's gonna take to make you happy.Yes,some have children involved and that makes things even harder. Though,we always try to put our kids best interests first.Does there best interest include a household environment thats full of fussing,arguing, tension,ect ?.I don't think any child would choose that environment, Because when they see this it's even worse on them than having 2 divorced parents.But I can tell you this..Women usually tend to stay in the marriage because they've become so dependent on there husbands that they feel they cant make it on there own and have lost there confidence to be independent.So,some men take that as a advantage.Because,when they know this they tend to lack respect for there wives,which lead them to run over the woman knowing the wife won't leave.But,for men they tend to stay in the marriage for fear of loosing something(there assests,alimony,fear they won't be able to see there children,ect.And yes..women tend to use there kids as a leverage over there husbands knowing if they do that the husband wont leave.So the only solid advice I can offer is that if you do decide to divorce try your best to end it in a good way,on some sort of civilized level.So,if you really want to do whats best for the kids atleast do that and for those who choose not to divorce>I wish you the best and good luck on rebuilding that new house.(Remember it requires 2 hands to build it,so don't be afraid to let the other person know it needs there help to).

[White Knight]

divorce is hard as hell on people but at the same time , it can be the beginning of a perfect life ahead of you. I strongly urge anyone that is in the process of a divorce to really think about how it may affect their future AND can the problems be worked out without a divorce.

[poodlehead]

ok, dude, there is no perfect life. and even if there was, divorce would not help you get there.

 

in all seriousness, research has shown that the theory of 'well, it'll be better for the children because they won't grow up with us in a loveless marriage' is bull. check this out: link removed. it has a few links to stuff regarding infidelity and a very interesting study on the effects of divorce vs. staying in an unhappy marriage regarding your and your children's happiness.

 

i really don't think that people consider the reality of divorce. sure it sounds great 'i'm releasing myself from misery,' then after the costs, battles over properties, and the torment you put any children through, you find out differently. most of the time any problems that you had in your marriage, that is if they actually do have to do with your marriage, go unaddressed. then you find someone else, forget about what really happened, and everything's great...until the cycle goes around again. they say that 50% of marriages end in divorce...and 60% of second marriages end in a second divorce, and the probability continues to climb with each marriage.

 

my parents have been divorced for 11 years now. they married due to my mother's conception of moi and stuck it through for a decade for the kids. both had struggled with alcohol, drugs, adultery, abuse, money...you name it, they did it. they had a crappy marriage at best. but the funny thing is after all this time, both of them have confided to me that divorcing was the biggest mistake they ever made. and they both have confessed, unknowing of how the other feels, that they still have feelings for one another and wish they could have gone back to salvage things. now if divorce is such a grand thing, then why do we hate it so much? and yet continue to seek it as the solution so easily?

 

marriage was intended to be a lifelong commitment. not until we fall out of love. not until i get bored with you. not because of anything. marriage is supposed to be completely selfless no matter what. that's what love is--completely selfless no matter what. you chose whom you love. so if you're considering divorce, in my opinion you have no one to blame but yourself.

[Callmecrazy]

poodlehead...your post is very ignorant.

 

You are generalizing, and lumping all things together and treating all problems as equal. You seem to suggest that drug and alcohol abuse, infidelity and a myriad of others things do not warrant divorce. You suggest that people should stick with a marriage and tough it out come hell or high water.

 

That's just foolishness in my opinion, and I simply couldn't disagree with you more.

[madra_willoweb]

I have grown up in a divorced family and have resently separated and moved out with my infant son. Let me tell you that the most devastating thing on a child is growing up with unhappy parents, because you learn quicksmart that life isn't meant to be fun and full of love.

 

My son is learning that love is everywhere around him, between my family and my exes and the contact we both have with him, even together...

 

I know for a fact that if I had stayed, then not one of us would have gone on to feel any better about the situation, including our son.

 

My advice to anyone in a similar cirumstance would be find your own happiness AFTER trying to work things out many times on many levels with your husband/wife/partner... if you're not happy, how the hell can you provide a safe and loving environment (moreso emotionally balanced upbringing) for any children?

[redswim30]

I think the point that is being missed is this.. There is a big difference between loving someone and being able to LIVE with them. I am divorced. And it was the best decision I ever made. I didn't want it at first. But if I had stayed in my marriage, we would have both just been lying to each other about our true feelings.

 

I disagree about divorce not being beneficial for children. Of course it is going to hurt them, don't get me wrong. But I grew up in a house where my parents SHOULD have gotten divorced. My whole family would have been a lot happier. Plus, you never want to hear as an adult that your parents stopped loving each other and only stayed because of you. They would have been better parents by not putting us in between their arguments and by being happier themselves. Instead I had to deal with two people who I loved- watching them hurting themselves, each other and us (their children) every day.

 

Divorce is sad. And should never be a hasty decision. But every situation is different. Like any major decision- Sometimes you'll be happier from the decision, sometimes not. But it is for every person to decide for themselves.

Sometimes in life people get hurt. It's sad, but true. Parents sometimes make decisions that hurt their children. Children sometimes make decisions that hrut their parents. At the end of the day, all anyone can do is what they think is best.

[jasper01]

My parents divorced when I was 13, and at the time - and all the way up through my 30s - I believed I was happier because of it.

 

In one way, this was true. I had very mixed feelings about both of my parents, and when they split I became very distant from both of them. They had a really crappy marriage in a lot of ways, and tried but really didn't know what to do about it. Back then there was simply a lot less known about what is going on in relationshsips.

 

In the last several years though, I have seen that despite how crappy things were, I have a gaping whole in my life that relates back to the loss- it was the loss of home. Part of the experience of home, is the bond of our parents. This stuff is complicated, and it's hard for me to add up the pluses and minuses and decide one way or the other was the wiser choice. There seems, simply the life we are dealt.

[John Bendix]

Jasper,

 

I believe this to be a very insightful post from an objective perspective.

 

The questions that are raised on this post are complex. As been supported by 40+ years of studies on the effects upon the children, no mattter how old they are when the marriage is dissolved (even adult children), from divorced families, indicates just how much it influences their development. It is usually adverse and life-long.

 

Whether or the not the children are better off when the parents are in a "bad" relationship is a tough question. From my perspective, once you have decided to bring children into the world, both partners are accountable for how their interactions with one another affects their offspring. That includes doing everything possible to leave their personal egos at the door in order to make the relationship sound. No stone should be left untouched in order to give them this example. If you have thought that you have done everything, you probably have not even scratched the surface.

 

This not to say that you have to cave in to the other's onslaught of egoic demands and reactions, or be submissive for the sake of the children. This is not the example that can used by them to in order to develop in a healthy way. There are other ways. Changes in the way we react is a great place to start.

[madra_willoweb]

I completely agree with Bendix apart from one small problem... What happens when you 'check your ego at the door' but your partner continues to be a narcissist? Is it

The responsibility of the other party to hold it all together? That surely can't be expected and insuch cases when enoughis truly enough...

[Intruder]

my opinion...when you have kids, all options must be exhausted before a divorce. People and circumstances can change.

[John Bendix]

I completely agree with Bendix apart from one small problem... What happens when you 'check your ego at the door' but your partner continues to be a narcissist? Is it

The responsibility of the other party to hold it all together? That surely can't be expected and insuch cases when enoughis truly enough...

 

read this part again,

 

"This not to say that you have to cave in to the other's onslaught of egoic demands and reactions, or be submissive for the sake of the children. This is not the example that can used by them to in order to develop in a healthy way. There are other ways. Changes in the way we react is a great place to start."

[Scotty123]

I'm divorced and as said previouly divorce is complex. In my opinion I tried everything to make the marriage work, but as somebody said maybe I did only scratch the surface. From my point of view I put up with years of humiliation, actions intended to degrad and disrespect me, over and over and over again. No matter what I did I was wrong ... I was like a stranger in my own home.

 

But I could cope with that because I believed kids deserved two parents. However the turning point was when my "husband" tried to get my kids to join in on his humiliation of me. At that point, enough was enough ! If I had stayed married my two girls would have been brought up to believe that woman are less than human and should expect to be treated badly. I did not want my kids growing up in that situation so I ended the marriage.

 

I have no doubt it was the right decision, but it was a very hard one to take and I did not take it lightly.

[thejigsup]

My bf is a family law attorney. I have never once seen divorce benefit the children. The adults,yes. The children, no. It's a tough call.

[Scotty123]

I'm sorry but I disagree. In my opinion being in an emotionally abusive situation will not benefit children at all as they will grow up to believe it is normal behaviour. Being in an emotionally stable enviorment, even although they only have one parent is by far a better situation to bring up stable and responsible children.

[John Bendix]

I'm sorry but I disagree. In my opinion being in an emotionally abusive situation will not benefit children at all as they will grow up to believe it is normal behaviour. Being in an emotionally stable enviorment, even although they only have one parent is by far a better situation to bring up stable and responsible children.

 

Unfortunately, as the jig has alluded to (forgive my presumption), historically, backed with empirical data, shows that growing up with two parents (excluding physical and drug abuse on the part of one or both parents) gives the children a better chance of growing emotional stable. Second to that, is having one stable parent as opposed to two unstable ones.

 

As jig has also alluded to, the divorce process, with children, is supposed to be about the children as the Family Court states. But it is anything but. It pits one parent against the other for all they each can get.

 

It is contest to see who wins out. The children lose. Who gets what custody costs huge court time and money. "I want the kids to live with me", is the resounding theme. Not for the sake of the children but for the sake of the parents who want it that way.

 

Shipping kids between houses is a system that does scar the kids. It is a approach that does harm. To give the Family Court their due, no one has been able to come up with a better system in this complex dynamic.

 

To avoid this and for the sake of the children, it is imperative that the couple need to work on themselves and then on the relationship. We have chosen to bring these children into the world and owe it to them to give them the best opportunity for emotional growth and stability or the these process (as it has) will repeat itself. Anything else is just justification and rationalization for our actions.

[Scotty123]

I will not try and dispute your evidence but nore will I agree with your conclusion. I totally agree that my husband and I brought my children into the world and have a very serious and life long responsibility to put their welfare above all else.

 

If both parents agree that children are their responsibility and are prepared to work on a relationship for the benefit of their children then your point of view may well be valid. However it is a very generalised assumption to make that both parents agree with their responsibility to their children.

 

The father of my children left the family home one week and moved in with his girlfriend the next week. He has decided that he does not want to see his children. Your post makes suggests that adults get divorced for their benefit with no thought for their children. Nothing could be further from the truth in my case. When reading your post it makes me feel very angry as you seen to suggest that I have not considered my childrens welfare.

 

Believe me being a lone parent is not easy and was not what I signed up for when I got married. However I have no doubt I have done what is best for my children. And nothing anybody has to say will make me think that I should have stayed with or try and reconcile with a man who does not deserve to be called a father.

[John Bendix]

Sorry that you have taken my post personally. It was not my attention. I do not see where I went into any specicfic cases.

 

To first part in bold:

 

I have not, however, assumed that both parents want to work on their marriage. It seems to be the that in the vast majority of cases, either one does not want to or both. That is my point exactly. Couple being the optimal word.

 

I quote the end of my post:

 

To avoid this and for the sake of the children, it is imperative that the couple need to work on themselves and then on the relationship. We have chosen to bring these children into the world and owe it to them to give them the best opportunity for emotional growth and stability or the these process (as it has) will repeat itself. Anything else is just justification and rationalization for our actions.

 

To the 2nd part in bold:

 

I have not suggested anything of the kind. I have proposed that the divorce process does create an atmosphere where the divorcing couple become advisaries, even in the so-called No-Fault states. And that the children are not the primary concern in that same process even though the courts and it's officials (which includes the attorneys on both sides) claim to be the case.

 

 

I have generalized on this post. I did not take on your individual situation at anytime. Taking my broad scope comments personally and becoming angry is, of course, your affair.

 

I, too, am a divorced single parent who had to go through the divorce process trying to work it out any which way in order for my children to have a better chance at stability to no avail. It does take two to work it out both individually and together. The one who wants out of the intimate relationship can always do so.

[Scotty123]

It is not your individual post that furstrates me, it is more the attitude of society in general. I live in the UK where things are a wee bit different in that my husband and I have never been to court and there was never any battle over my children as he doesn't want to see then let alone look after then !

 

What I think bugs me the most is the view held by some individuals which suggests that I have failed my children because I am no longer married to their father. The suggestion that single parents are responsibile for all the failings in society in general and are nothing but a drain of a nations resources !

 

It's the assumptions and generalisations that just touch a nerve. Probably something to do with the fact that I have worked every day of my life since I left university apart from maternity leave and have never been or ever will be a drain on anybody's resources !! My whole life is wrapped around taking care of my children, spending time with them and providing for them in the best way I can. I do not consider myself a failure as an individual or as a parent.

 

Anyway I'm going to stop ranting on now. I do not disagree with some of the issues you have raised but I do think that every case should be considered on an individual basis.

[mustangjoe]

Hello to all,

In regards to divorce or not to divorce, it's all so very unique and very personal and IMHO there is no universal answer. If there is compelling reason and there obviously could be, then it still comes down to individual choice (Calif. just takes one person). I am a 48 y/o male of a divorced family when I was 8 years of age. I can honestly say that there are moments when I feel a degree of sadness and loss about my parent's divorce even today. And now even as my marriage of 23 years appears to be heading in the same direction (wife's possible choice) I cannot help but feel a great deal of sadness and failure on my part for my two adult sons.

 

As Michele Weiner-Davis the author of Divorce Busters, The Divorce Remedy, etc, has said and I'm paraphrasing, People live on, go on, remarry, find happiness or not, etc. It's the original divorced family image that has died and has forever disappeared. People, parents, kids will still see each other, talk, engage at times in the future (holidays, birthdays, graduations, etc) but it's the dreams, hopes and idea of that original family structure that is forever gone. This can effect people very little or in a very wide range and at very different times in my opinion. We are all very unique and each marriage/divorce too is unique.

 

I wish each person much peace, happiness and personal growth in the future (including myself). Should my wife choose to divorce, then at that time I will choose to accept that decision and make the best of it, for myself, for my wife, for the benefit of my sons. Mahalo.

[Lady Rashomon]

I just don't understand why so many people feel that divorce is a black and white issue. Having grown up with two parents who were entirely incompatible in every conceivable way, I can't imagine that the lovelessness and despair I experienced every single day of my life until I was 17 was a preferable alternative to divorce. Perhaps our culture is moving in the direction of the disintegration of the nuclear family, but as this becomes more and more commonplace, is it really such a terrible thing?

[watergirl10]

My bf is a family law attorney. I have never once seen divorce benefit the children. The adults,yes. The children, no. It's a tough call.

 

You are getting one perspective. If an attoney is involved, it is already dirty and bitter. And nothing good can come out of those.

 

I come from divorced parents who did not involve the chidlren whatsoever. And other then holiday travel guilt, it hasn't been much of an issue.

[Raoul]

This!

 

Raoul

[John Bendix]

I just don't understand why so many people feel that divorce is a black and white issue. Having grown up with two parents who were entirely incompatible in every conceivable way, I can't imagine that the lovelessness and despair I experienced every single day of my life until I was 17 was a preferable alternative to divorce. Perhaps our culture is moving in the direction of the disintegration of the nuclear family, but as this becomes more and more commonplace, is it really such a terrible thing?

 

In certain cases, it can be the least terrible solution.

 

Would it have been better for your parents to have divorced, felt the same disdain for one another, but you were not there to observe it as much? Would that have made you a little less sad and confused?

 

The problem is still how they chose to interact with one another. A choice that many of us here have made to the detriment of our children. A living lesson that was passed on to you that, as you have admitted, brought you despair. With children involved, the best solution is rarely divorce and the process that ensues.

[Lady Rashomon]

In certain cases, it can be the least terrible solution.

 

Would it have been better for your parents to have divorced, felt the same disdain for one another, but you were not there to observe it as much? Would that have made you a little less sad and confused?

 

The problem is still how they chose to interact with one another. A choice that many of us here have made to the detriment of our children. A living lesson that was passed on to you that, as you have admitted, brought you despair. With children involved, the best solution is rarely divorce and the process that ensues.

 

Yes, it would have made me less sad, especially since much of the abuse that occurred as a result of this twisted family dynamic was directed towards me and my sister. I got to a point where I stopped caring about my parents' happiness and was more concerned about mine and my sister's emotional and physical well-being. The fact that they stayed together in an increasingly oppressive and psychologically unstable marriage is what brought me despair. I got a glimpse of rare happiness when I was about 10 years old and my father was out of the country for a month; my sister, my mother, and I all pitched in to help each other and support each other, and I have no recollection of a raised voice or tears in that time period. That's not to say that divorce would NOT have brought its own share of difficulties. However, I lived through 17 years of some of the most violent emotional and physical abuse imaginable--so in my thinking, divorce would have been a welcome reprieve.

 

Admittedly, this is an extreme example, but my point is: not all divorces point to a failure on the parts of the people involved. Sometimes they are necessary.

[thejigsup]

My father was a cruel alcoholic. My parents never divorced. I did not learn how to have a healthy relationship. My best friend had an alcoholic father. Her parents divorced. She does not know how to have a healthy relationship. Sometimes, no matter what you do, it's wrong.