Friends...yeah right...

[cabman]

The last time I spoke with my ex she mentioned that to her I am now a really good friend. Aside from thinking to my self "how in the heck did I go from what I was to a really good friend", I said to her:

 

Ok do you want to go to a movie? She said that would not be a good idea.

 

How about dinner? Again the same response.

 

Wanna come over to my house for the afternoon? Same response.

 

How about shopping for the day? Same thing.

 

How about a drink? Nope

 

She was alone on Thanksgiving (funny, one of the reasons she ended it was to spend more time with her children. She felt that she was neglecting them.) so I invited her to my house. She said that would not be fair to me.

 

I then told her:

 

Really good friends? How can we be really good friends if we can't do anything that really good friends do? I don't think thats what you really mean. I think what you mean is the when we bump into each other we will be friendly. This time there was no answer from her.

 

Why can't the ex's just tell it like it is?

 

I think this breakup crap would go quicker and easier is everyone would just be honest with thier feelings.

 

 

Ok....I am done now!!

 

Thanks

[Jayar]

People don't tell it like it is for many reasons... They don't want to hurt their partner, or they want to take the easy way out for selfish reasons. Either way, what they don't realize is the frustration of watching someone's actions not line up with their words is more painful than any words could be.

[cabman]

They should realize that they are causing just as much pain and hurt by not being honest and upfront.

[browneyedgirl36]

cabman -- I totally understand how you feel. I too have been given the "let's be friends" speech when the other person had NO intention of really being a friend. I remember one ex who wanted to be "friends" who pretty much ignored any attempt I made to contact him. I e-mailed him maybe 6 times in 6 months, and I got 2 responses, I think. And, he even deleted one of my e-mails without reading it! All I can say is, with *friends* like him, who needs enemies? (I should have guessed what kind of person he was when he broke things off with me in an e-mail!) It's funny, the same guy, when we were dating, said that he didn't understand why his exes have all refused to be friends with him. One even hung up on him when he called her. I suggested to him that perhaps it was too difficult for them to be friends with him -- that since he broke up with them, it was easy for him to say he wanted to be friends, but it's harder on the person who has been dumped to be a *friend* when he or she really wants more.

 

I understand not wanting to hurt someone's feelings -- to soften the blow, so to speak -- but...in some cases, too, I think there's an element of the dumper wanting to look like the "good guy/gal," so they SAY they want to be friends so that they won't look like a heartless jerk who just dumped someone and walked away.

 

It is frustrating, for sure. I dated a guy for 4 years and broke up with him -- we had grown apart (and grown up significantly -- we had met in high school) and it was really hard to do, because I knew he'd be crushed. Even back then, at 20 years old, I did NOT say "let's be friends." Instead, I told him "If you can't be my friend -- if you don't ever want to see me or talk to me again, I'll totally understand." That was hard for me, because I really did care for him and didn't want him out of my life, but I knew it would be unfair to initiate a friendship with him and possibly give him false hope. Over the next few years, we corresponded via letters, and we even met once for lunch (his idea). By that time, he was totally over me, and we had a nice lunch. He later married and had kids, so I don't hear from him anymore, but I'm glad we were able to talk at least. If he hadn't wanted to be my friend, though, I would have totally understood.

 

I think it's important for people during a breakup to say exactly what they want -- if a dumper wants to completely walk away, then he or she should make that clear. Likewise, if a dumpee doesn't want to remain *friends* he or she should say "I can't be friends with you right now." It just saves a lot of unnecessary pain and awkwardness.

[LauraNYC]

I agree with Cabman. It would be so much easier to get over someone if they were honest and just said, "I really just don't like you that much anymore, I don't like being with you and I really just want to have sex with other people." HAHA. It's so much easier to get over and move on when you know what's really going on and how the other person feels. All those, "I need some time," "need space, " "it's just bad timing," "let's just be friends" blah, blah, blah sayings just leave you hanging, maybe hoping there will be something in the future when in reality it's over and will never rekindle.

 

I decided recently that from here on out I was going to be really honest with myself and future SO right from the beginning. If I'm into the person I'm giving him 100% (not the usual 50% I've been giving my relationships). If I'm not getting from them what I want and deserve I'm out, I'm not hanging in there indefinitely hoping they'll change. And if I'm in love, I'll tell them...if I'm not I'll be honest about that too. I'm tired of plotting, planning, strategizing, playing games. Nowhere else in my life do I act so childish. I'm going to try to be much more pragmatic about it all.

 

Sorry for the stream of consciousness, not sure where all that came from. I think it's a New Year's Resolution in the making!!

[cabman]

cabman -- Likewise, if a dumpee doesn't want to remain *friends* he or she should say "I can't be friends with you right now." It just saves a lot of unnecessary pain and awkwardness.

 

 

Thats why I told her that last time he spoke not to contact me again for any reason except if she has a change of heart about our relationship.

 

I have not heard from her since. I guess that says it all.:sad:

[renaissancewoman101]

I think with breakups, someone always turns out to be the mean person, whether they want to or not.

[cabman]

I think with breakups, someone always turns out to be the mean person, whether they want to or not.

 

I would suspect that the person that wants out is deemed the meanie.

[renaissancewoman101]

I would suspect that the person that wants out is deemed the meanie.

 

Yep! Or else the person who wants to end the relationship but doesn't have the guts to end it so acts like a real jerk to the other person until he/she dumps them, thus doing the dirty work for them.

 

Breakups are never nice.

[cabman]

I agree with Cabman. It would be so much easier to get over someone if they were honest and just said, "I really just don't like you that much anymore, I don't like being with you and I really just want to have sex with other people." HAHA. It's so much easier to get over and move on when you know what's really going on and how the other person feels. All those, "I need some time," "need space, " "it's just bad timing," "let's just be friends" blah, blah, blah sayings just leave you hanging, maybe hoping there will be something in the future when in reality it's over and will never rekindle.

 

 

I heard the following:

 

"I need some space"

 

Then the was the infamous "I love you but, I am not IN love with you"

 

Oh and there was the "It's me not you, you are a great guy"

 

Followed by the final "Lets just be friends"

 

 

A simple "my feelings have changed for you and I don't love you anymore. I want the end our relationship" would have been much better.

[Pegasus]

I don't really understand why people do that at all? I mean really, can you be a good friend to somebody you still love more than a friend? There is a song that says "There's no friendship after true love..." and I think that is totally true.

[renaissancewoman101]

I don't really understand why people do that at all? I mean really, can you be a good friend to somebody you still love more than a friend? There is a song that says "There's no friendship after true love..." and I think that is totally true.

 

Personally, I think that friendship is possible but if both parties are adult and mature enough not to be petty about things and look above issues. Sometimes friendships forged out of those circumstances, can be long-lasting ones.

[cabman]

Personally, I think that friendship is possible but if both parties are adult and mature enough not to be petty about things and look above issues. Sometimes friendships forged out of those circumstances, can be long-lasting ones.

 

 

Only once the heart is healed....

[browneyedgirl36]

I agree, cabman. BOTH people have to be healed before a real friendship is possible.

 

I have been making an attempt to be friends with my ex over the past few months, but he sends SO many confusing signals that it has become nearly impossible. We can't go completely NC because of work, but we may have to knock it down a few pegs to "casual acquaintances" until I can fully deal with it and NOT want anything more.

[lizer]

do you really want to be friends with anyone who betrayed your trust and love? and who showed no remorse or desire for forgiveness and/or reconcilation thus far? dont worry about what they say. know what you DONT want.

[violingirl]

I had a very bad breakup with my ex in February 2005 (he suddenly dumped me and I later found out that he had cheated and left me for another woman). Fast forward 1 1/2 years later - I contacted him again and we started talking a lot on the phone and agreed to be "friends."

 

At the time, I was looking for a new apartment and needed help driving to various neighborhoods around the city to get an idea of where I wanted to move to and my ex agreed to drive me around (I don't have a car). Then, 2 weeks later he changed his mind, saying that his agreeing to do so had been "premature," but didn't give any specific reason why he had changed his mind.

 

We continued to have long conversations on the phone (talking about our relationship and what had happened, work, etc.) and things seemed to be going well between us. I found an apartment myself, but then needed some help with the move (I had hired a moving company, but needed help transporting some more personal/expensive items separately). I asked my ex for help, thinking it wouldn't be a big deal since he helped his friends with this sort of thing all of the time. Plus, when we had been together, he had helped his other ex-girlfriends all of the time. He told me that he had to "think about it." Well, he thought about it for 6 weeks and had still not decided.

 

At that point, I called him for help to pick up some boxes from U-Haul so that I could start packing (and so that I could avoid paying a $40 delivery fee if I ordered the boxes online and had them delivered). The next day, he called to tell me that he had just gotten into a car accident and that his car was completely totaled, so he couldn't help me pick up boxes (I still strongly suspect that he lied about the accident).

 

I knew that he could still borrow his parents' minivan to help me with my move, but when I later asked him for an answer about helping me move, he told me that he couldn't because he had to make the woman he had left me for his "priority" (even though he had no problems spending time with his exes while we were together). He basically refused to see me- how is that being my "friend"? Friends are there for each other and don't refuse to see each other.

 

After that point, I occasionally called him (once every couple of months or so), and he would occasionally take my calls. But he increasingly ignored my e-mails and would put me into voice mail and not return my calls.

 

In February of this year, I forwarded my ex an innocuous article on real estate and asked his opinion on it. When he didn't respond to my e-mail or send a "read receipt," I left him a message asking if he had received it and that I would appreciate a response. Afterward, all I got was a "read receipt" from him on my e-mail. He never actually responded to my e-mail and never called me back. I haven't contacted him since.

 

So, despite the fact that my ex said that we were "friends" last year, I haven't seen him since the breakup (almost 3 years ago), he refused to see me or help me and now ignores any communication from me (the last being 9 months ago). That's no "friendship." And it sucks that he has made things be this way. I don't even feel that I can contact him at all, because I hate not getting any response from him. So I don't. I don't understand why he acts this way.

 

Apparently, while my ex finds it worthwhile to be actual friends with his other ex-girlfriends, he does not find it worthwhile to be friends with me. I would be lying if I said that this does not bother me.

[Pegasus]

Personally, I think that friendship is possible but if both parties are adult and mature enough not to be petty about things and look above issues. Sometimes friendships forged out of those circumstances, can be long-lasting ones.

 

Most likely the relationship wouldn't end if that was true.

[renaissancewoman101]

Your ex sounds like a real grade A jerk!! Sorry to say that. Do you have any idea why he would NOT want to stay friends with you? He just sounds like he wanted to jerk you around for kicks and grins.

 

Do you think that maybe with some more time, you might get back in touch with him? Maybe he will be different when more time has passed.

 

I don't know why ex's have to act like jerks. That's so cruel.

[shell80]

The 'friends with the ex' situation is a difficult one.

I definitely don't think you can be friends for some time after the breakup - there is too much emotional attachment still.

 

It also depends on the nature of the breakup - ie was there still mutual respect etc.

 

I am now quite good friends with an ex who I dated a 2 yrs ago. I am no longer in love with him and vice versa - but I can still share a lot with him, including my recent heartbreak. He is a good guy - and I respect him a lot. We also reminince about the good times etc. BUt again....it took a while for us to get here..

[glimmerofhope]

I heard the following:

 

"I need some space"

 

Then the was the infamous "I love you but, I am not IN love with you"

 

Oh and there was the "It's me not you, you are a great guy"

 

Followed by the final "Lets just be friends"

 

 

A simple "my feelings have changed for you and I don't love you anymore. I want the end our relationship" would have been much better.

 

Wow. And I mean wow. I got the exact same speech, in the exact same order. I know that this is all classic breakup rhetoric, but still, I agree that it would have been much easier if they had just said they did not want us in their lives any longer...in any way, shape or form.

[CreoUCLA]

I got the exact same speech, in the exact same order.

 

Ditto. Oh well, her loss... I hope that the grass really is greener for her.

 

-Mike-

[-BK-]

cabman,

 

While I haven't had the friends speech from my ex, since we're in complete NC... I have never heard a better attitude about her thoughts. It's great to hear that you told her what the truth was. Many people, men and women, feel that they are protecting their ex by creating a false truth. We would be much better off in the long run with the hard facts.

[browneyedgirl36]

^^Agreed, BK. I'm a woman, but the story's the same. I have had several exes use the "Let's be friends" thing on me, only to NOT be a friend at all, like the ex I wrote about who ignored most of the few e-mails I sent him (5 or 6 over a period of 6 months) and even deleted one without reading it (a particularly heartfelt one in which I was expressing sympathy because he had a terminally ill relative who was very close to death). In this case, I think he was MUCH more concerned with preserving the image of the "good guy" that he had of himself than with sparing my feelings, which I found much more difficult to deal with than if he had simply said "You're a great gal, but I'm not feeling it. Sorry, we can't see each other anymore." And, the fact that he broke up with me in an e-mail AND went away to Lake Tahoe with another woman 5 days after breaking things off with me just added insult to injury. I can't believe that at the time I still tried to stay in contact with him. Now, I look back and wonder what in the world I was thinking.

 

The hard facts are definitely preferable. It's a shame that so many are incapable of that kind of honesty.

[andy5128]

Hi All

 

I can totally relate to this post...!!

 

Right now it has been a good while since we broke up end of Jan this year to be precise.. Had some recent contact and I had the whole want to keep you as a friend thing early on after the break up. Now I am ready to be friends I have kinda thrown it out there to see what reply I would get!!! Well I seem to be a good enough friend to arrange things for her and I suggested a catch up before christmas.. I didn't get a no but I got a half hearted OK will let you know kinda reply..! Not going to contact any further, the offer has been given and it's upto her now if she wants to follow it up!

 

Andy

[smickey]

All these stories sound so familiar to me.

 

I tried to do the whole 'let's be friends thing' (I was the dumpee) but in reality I was just after the consolation prize and was willing to take whatever was on offer. Since I realised that, I've been conducting a bit of an experiment to see if he really meant it when he said he wanted to be friends by leaving it completely up to him to get the 'friendship' going.

 

Surprise, surprise I haven't heard from him for ages except for a message on my phone telling me yet again that he plans to give my stuff back 'at some stage'. I didn't return the call as it is the same story I have heard for the last 9 months. Nothing he has done is the behaviour I expect of a friend. He even pretended he wanted to get back together with me because he didn't want to lose contact with me - one of the most selfish acts I have ever witnessed. What an idiot.

 

I used to work hard to develop friendships with ex's, ignoring the fact that they had cheated/dumped me by email/done something stupid/just generally broken my heart. Now I've decided that life is too short - I've got way too many good friends willing to treat me right - I don't need to waste time on being friends with some guy just because I used to be with him. It is sad that I have nothing to do with someone that I lived with and shared so much with for so long but it is because of HIS actions, not mine.