Men and their 'first love'

[FrancisHouseman]

I was talking to a male friend the other day who is in his 40s and has been married for 20 years, four children and his relationship seems really stable.

 

However, he confided to me that he had been engaged to his 'first love' when he was in his 20s and that he had been let broken hearted when that relationship ended. He said that he had never gotten over it "Do you ever?" he asked of me, claimed to still have a 'flame' for her after all this time and that he often wondered what his life would have been like if they had of worked out.

 

He claimed he loved his wife but that the relationship he had with his 'first love' was the only one that he felt that deeply for someone.

 

It bothered me greatly, I have spent a lot of time trying to control the jealousy and insecurity I feel towards my boyfriend's 'first love' because I know how badly she broke his heart. I constantly worry that I am second best, that I will never live up to how he felt about her, that she will always be the 'one that got away'

 

This fear seems to be compounded daily by other men's confessions to these certain feelings. The guys I work with say it happens a lot where a man doesnt get over his first love but marries someone who is 'nice' but who they dont love as much.

 

I don't know what I am asking of you all here..

[rootcause43]

In an 'ideal' world, you marry the one who you feel the deepest connection to. However, we are often too young/dumb/inexperience to recognize this at the time. This is true for women and for men.

 

For me, this relationship ended 6 years ago and still haunts me. In every relationship I have I keep hoping that I feel something remotely similar, but I don't. And I've totally accepted that when I do marry - that this emotion I felt with 'her' will not be the same as my wife in all likelihood.

 

Does that mean that I'll 'settle' just to be married? No. It just means that life isn't perfect and - as Sting sings in the Police song "Consider Me Gone":

Ive spent too many years at war with myself

The doctor has told me its no good for my health

To search for perfection is all very well

But to look for heaven is to live here in hell

 

PS. saw The Police in Atlanta this past Saturday night. One of the best concerts I've ever been to.

[orangesoda]

Speaking as a guy. I've been in several relationships. But my most recent ex is the first woman I've ever really given my heart to. And it kills me in ways that no woman would ever understand that things didn't work out.

 

As others will say, when/if I do marry, settle down, have children, it will be out of love. I *will* love my wife and my children with all my heart, all my soul.

 

But can I ever forget my first love? No, the truth is that it's just not possible to be completely whole after you've given away a piece of your heart. Somewhere out there, this person carries that shred of it with them.

 

Does that mean anything will come of it? No, because things ended for a reason, and life moves on, people carry on, and memories fade with time.

 

Don't let a non-issue become an issue. Relationships end between first loves and both will carry the scars for the rest of their lives. But they do find happiness in others and lead fulfilling lives based on that happiness.

[Dako]

It's much easier to romanticize a past love that didn't have time to develop warts and wrinkles.

 

My first love had severe issues.

[Pegasus]

I have to agree here - I've never got completely over my first love. I was in other relationship(s) after that but the strongest connection was with first one. I am able to love others but it's not like it used to be. blah

[princess_summer_blue84]

I understand what all of u are saying ! My recent ex is my first love and I gave him my heart as well. Now that I haven't heard from him in weeks it just kills me deep inside. Althou we don't talk but I still have feelings for him. U always will have feelings for ur first love. There isn't no way of hiding them. they will always be there.

[itsallgrand]

Thank god for Dako!

 

I'm a woman and I sympathize. But hey. Just 'cause 20 guys say it doesn't mean the man you are with feels this way. The majority vote still doesn't make it any more fact or realistic or healthy.

 

I think you need some reassurance from the one guy that matters to you most. Not us.

[MushroomGod]

Well I'll admit that I never stopped thinking about my first "real" love. Even when I found something better for me I never stopped thinking about her to this day. That feeling will never be truly replaced. I miss her and would kill for even a little contact with her. I haven't seen her in almost 2 years we haven't spoken in less than that. I'm healed and have moved on to have another relationship but the feeling still linger, even if it wasn't meant to be.

[Orlander]

I didnt know how much I could love someone until I loved my ex. So far, she is the love of my life. I have yet to find someone I connect with or who has many of the same qualities she had.

 

 

Yet the relationship was flawed and she ended up being someone I lost respect for. I'm glad I went through that relationship because it truly made me understand what kind of woman I need and want kind of man I am meant to be.

[shes2smart]

It's much easier to romanticize a past love that didn't have time to develop warts and wrinkles.

 

My first love had severe issues.

 

I'd agree with this.

 

My first love made some poor life choices, had some bad luck, and (from what I hear) is a bitter, angry, lonely person. I wouldn't want to know him now. I like the image of him I have in my head from when we were both 15...but I'm also well aware neither of those people (him at 15 or me at 15) exist anymore.

[jettison]

He's in love with a figment of his imagination. It's completely romanticized and a figment of his imagination. If we brought these two together, sent them on a trip together, and told them "make it work", he would quickly find that his "real love" isn't real at all. She just a normal, flesh and blood person with fears, doubts, gripes, ugliness, problems, insecurities, and everything else that comes with it.

 

It's simple to fantasize about someone that is so absent and gone that they can do no wrong. Of course, they are perfect. In reality, it's not even close. He may as well be fatasizing over an airbrushed pinup model, because emotionally that's what he's doing.

 

To a much lesser extent, this is why long distance relationships sometimes work for so long. It's because the person is so distant and absent that it's easy to fill in the blanks with all those perfect ideals, ideals that the SO has no chance to shatter because they're not around to mess things up. The vast majority of the time, when you bring two people together from a longterm LDR, they fail and fail rather miserably. All those dreams, all those high hopes, but more poignantly, all of those illusions shatter.

[Siriana]

Ah, mostly your first love is from time your life had less problems so you didn't have the privilege to go through all the nasty things together.

It's easy to be romantic and nostalgic.

I think that's not realistic.

[silly9907]

Is first love have to be the first bf/gf? How come I don't have that feeling with my ex-bf.