What next?

[glimmerofhope]

Suppose that during and after a break-up, your dumper continues to insist that you are an amazing guy; that when she's single, she's going to be looking for someone much like you; that you're her best friend; and so forth.

 

What the heck do I do with this for the next relationship? According to the ex, I'm the greatest thing ever, but for reasons unknown she just doesn't have "those" feelings any longer. If I cannot make a successful go of it with my best friend, who thinks all of these great things about me, then where does that leave me?

 

It almost seems like it would be better if she had given me an itemized list of all of the things she didn't like about me. While I might get a complex from it in the short run, at least I'd have a clearer picture of what went wrong, and perhaps some ideas of where to improve.

 

I'm trying to move on, but armed with this information from the last attempt, I feel woefully unprepared for the next one. Any ideas?

[Enakmai]

What you describe is typically a reaction people give to avoid feeling guilty. Realize it and ignore it.

[glimmerofhope]

Ignore what? The information I don't have? That's the whole point...I'm trying to learn something from this failure, but because all she gave me were the stock lines, I've got nothing to go with for the next run.

[Enakmai]

Learn? Perhaps you are equating learning with a silly concept best described by those who litter their myspaces with single blanket-statement comments meant to describe their personal preferences. Personal preferences are best left unsummarized, and the only reason you would do such a thing is because it appeals to your feelings. Likewise, there is no reason for you to analyze a reason for the failure in this relationship. You will found a reason is either obvious and thus lacking in the need of analyzation, or you are unwilling to see it.

[BetterKarma]

The relationship has ended. Everything your ex says now is moot.

 

She talks a good game, but like Enakmai said, she's only doing that to ease her own guilt.

 

Don't try to understand why she said what she said. Focus on yourself and review the relationship in your own eyes. Figure out for yourself why you think the relationship went wrong and what you did or didn't do to contribute to it. This will prepare you for your next relationship.

 

And honestly, don't talk to your ex until you have healed. Any convos with them right now is a) only to ease their own guilt and b) confuse you even more. Trust me, I've been on both ends of being the dumper and the dumpee.

 

It will get better and you will find someone better suited for you. And when you do, you'll look back and chuckle at all this.

[itsallgrand]

Oh, she's full of it.

 

Don't worry. I'm quite sure she has a list inside her head of all you did wrong or all that she thinks you lack. She's just keeping it to herself.

 

What to learn? Well, maybe that relationships aren't always about personal failure?

 

Maybe it really did just go through it's natural days and ended. That's pretty sweet.

 

Instead about what it is to learn about you this time, maybe what you could learn is about relationships in broader terms? How to say good-bye gracefully?

 

Whatever you want to take from it. What would you take from it into your new life?

[Enakmai]

The relationship has ended. Everything your ex says now is moot.

 

She talks a good game, but like Enakmai said, she's only doing that to ease her own guilt.

 

Don't try to understand why she said what she said. Focus on yourself and review the relationship in your own eyes. Figure out for yourself why you think the relationship went wrong and what you did or didn't do to contribute to it. This will prepare you for your next relationship.

 

And honestly, don't talk to your ex until you have healed. Any convos with them right now is a) only to ease their own guilt and b) confuse you even more. Trust me, I've been on both ends of being the dumper and the dumpee.

 

It will get better and you will find someone better suited for you. And when you do, you'll look back and chuckle at all this.

 

In summary, since the OP seems so insistent on discovering his own flaws, he should do so outside of the context of his relationship - with his emotionally contorted view on things, the only purpose the relationship serves in his own introspection is an inaccurate bias.

[glimmerofhope]

Okay. We have differing theories on relationships and the end thereof.

 

Yes, personal preference plays a major role. But this person preferred me enough to live with me and spend most of her time with me for almost three years. Something along the way, not all that long ago, changed what had been a very healthy dynamic. Forgive me if I am trying to ascertain what that might be so that I can perhaps avoid a similar fate in the future. You make it sound like an exercise in futility, but I think your approach is a recipe for continued failure in relationships.

 

If we cannot look at ourselves and what role we might have played in bringing about the demise of our relationships, and to learn from these snafus, then the relationship will have meant nothing.

[glimmerofhope]

I have no designs on talking to her anytime soon. It's not so much about flaws, i.e., what's "wrong" with me or what I specifically did to bring about the end. I just cannot feel like I have any closure unless I have some better understanding of why this didn't work.

 

And Enakmai, please stop posting here. Or at the very least please look at the other posters here to help you develop a more helpful technique.

[BetterKarma]

I have no designs on talking to her anytime soon. It's not so much about flaws, i.e., what's "wrong" with me or what I specifically did to bring about the end. I just cannot feel like I have any closure unless I have some better understanding of why this didn't work.

 

Honestly, I have learned throughout the years that you will never truly get an honest answer from the dumper after the relationship has ended. The reasoning behind this is that they don't want to hurt the dumpee even more than they have already.

 

The "closure" thing is very tricky. And unfortunately, closure will never come from the dumper. As the dumpee, you have to come to terms with "closing" out the relatioship yourself. It's extremely difficult to do when you're emotional but it will happen with time.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree with the other posters. I think any laundry list she is going to give you may or may not be accurate. To ask her why is basically having her opinion of you dictate your feelings about yourself. Instead, why not think about how you were during the relationship. Issues such as clinginess, controlling behaviours, taking a relationship for granted, not showing how much you care etc can cause a relationship to go south. Think about if you exhibited any of those traits. If not then maybe she just simply lost interest and it had to do with her not you. Relationships don't always end because the othe person wasn't good enough...sometimes it is the dumper who isn't good enough for the dumpee.

[itsallgrand]

Yeah, closure can be rough.

We all ask or wonder "why?!" at some point.

 

"Why" to me seems like another way of our hearts saying "NOOOO!!". It's less a question, more of an emotional statement.

That it hurts. You didn't want it to happen. It's hard to accept.

 

Thinking of it that way has been making things easier for me. I started crying it out instead of rattling my brain. Get the emotions out first - then think. I was trying to do it backwards and think my way out of the relationship ending. If only just to myself.

[glimmerofhope]

Thanks everyone. I think you're all correct. I know that the healing needs to come from me, and not this other person. This is more venting than a serious effort at rationalizing this mess.

 

I've just never had this with break-ups before. Whether dumper or dumpee, I could always look back on it and see where things went awry.

 

Here, I'm pretty perplexed. I see that there were some issues, but what relationship is entirely without issues? Moreover, I would have thought that the good outweighed the bad by such a wide margin that things were going to be okay.

 

Perhaps this is all just symptomatic of this whole strict NC thing. I started right after the break-up, and haven't broken since. Combine a weary mind with a broken heart and I guess you have a pretty volatile mixture on your hands...

[BetterKarma]

I really believe in NC because it really helps the dumpee to heal without further confusion and manipulation from the dumper.

 

And believe it or not, sometimes there really is nothing wrong with the dumpee and it's really the dumper that has the issue. This happened to me before. I had the "perfect" guy that would do anything and everything for me but I wasn't ready for him. I had the issues and I had to figure out what I wanted so I let him go even though there was absolutely nothing wrong with him.

[Hopefloats]

I have no designs on talking to her anytime soon. It's not so much about flaws, i.e., what's "wrong" with me or what I specifically did to bring about the end. I just cannot feel like I have any closure unless I have some better understanding of why this didn't work.

There's that word closure again.

 

I stopped there without reading anymore because closure is such a tricky thing and something I hope people realize a lot sooner than I did.

 

It's always the dumper that wants closure because being dumped, for the most post, came out of the blue. The dumper likely got vague responses as to why they were being dumped and felt, at the end of it, like nothing absolutely makes sense. In fact, you are more confused than ever.

 

The reality though is this hon...

 

You'll never...and I mean never...get closure from the dumpee. Honestly, it's not their responsibility to give you closure and, sadly, they likely can't anyway because they are just as (if not more) confused than you are. The closure YOU have to find. The closure YOU are responsible for. You have to come to terms hon that the million questions you have raging on in your mind, will never be answered.

 

It's tough and down right crappy. I've been there and done that. My hope, for anyone seeking closure, is to recognize a lot sooner than I did that you can not rely on the dumpee to give it to you. It's something you've got to find on your own.

 

I wish you luck.

[bluestar]

Don't wait another minute for this person to validate you. For whatever reason she is not up to it. What went wrong is largely up to her to face in time by the sounds of it. If you can honestly look into your heart and not know what you did wrong at the moment then cut yourself a break and focus on healing.

 

[RedBranchKnight]

I had the same thing happen with my ex. I was the best friend she ever had, only person she could confide everything in, I was the best person she knew, loyal, funny, generous, good looking, grrat craic to be with.... endless list of praise, but she just didnt feel it was right for her to have a boyfriend right now, yea right I know what her 'real' reasons were. As others have said, this is just sometihng thats done to alleviate their own guilt really (my opinion anyway), otherwise why end a relationship with someone they though all that of? I certainly wouldnt end a relationship if I was with a person I thought all those things of.

 

I actually took it kinda of offensively (offensively is a strong word, cant think of a better one right now) because it was as if she was doing all that and saying all that because she though Id crumble and fall apart without her or if she just told me the truth (which I wouldve appreciated more), makes not contacting her anymore all the easier actually. Like bluestar said, dont wait for her to validate you, just do your own thing. Good luck