This is why you don't have your ex back

[IMAbadman]

It's funny in a twisted way, though. She opened with such strong, confident, well-conceived advice. No doubt she had thought this through.

 

Then, on Page 12, she revealed that her ex indeed had reapproached, but she screwed up the attempt at reconciliation. Go figure.

 

Oops... better luck next time on that one.

[Raos18]

I agree with the OP, they broke up with us and think they are in control, but in order to get back together you have to move on and work on yourself and fix and under lining issues so that your ex willw ant to get back together, if he or she sees the smae peron, why would you want you? Put yourself in his or hers position! NC for some time to get over them and for them to start missing you and slowly crawl back into their lives, especially if they told you down the line there is a chance!

 

The last sentence is very true. I think a great way to succeed in being the most of yourself AND reconciliation is when you take time away, allow them to miss you and appreciate yourself without being co-dependant. Your EX does not need to say there is a chance, those are all words that happen immediately after a break up and when you're crumbled, they can even say they'll never be with you and it won't mean anything more than "I don't want to be with you now..."

[tink0688]

this is all great advice, but what if they are already seeing someone else?

[Bobbe]

Bump. Good advice.

[Superman87]

Reading this kinda makes me wonder whether I should have ignored my ex's text last week? Hmm...

[sweetharmony]

i think this makes the most sense. this worked in my rel. years ago before I heard of NC. I did the LC but moved on and when ex and I became friends again, I wasn't pushing to get back together. We just had fun and he had to wine me back.

 

I made the mistake of pushing my ex for marriage and he felt like I was a push-over. seriously, he could do whatever he wanted with me and I took it. i was a prize at the beginning-ot took him 6 mos to win me over and for him i was a prize. he took me ring shopping (i still wasn't sure about him yet, too early). but once he started backing away i became clingy and needy. that pushed him so far away.

[ycmanvs]

It does work, but as far as I can tell, by the time you do all those things, you no longer want your ex anyway, if you have truly moved on. My ex from 2 years ago wants me back and I am totally grossed out by the idea of being with him again.

[sweet_kisses]

 

There is nothing more honorable than saying the truth. If that turns them off, than so be it. I don't want to date a person and have to worry about not showing too much interest, or having the upper hand, etc. The relationship must be effortless and bring joy, otherwise I'd rather be single.

 

LFG

 

This is where I, in everything I've read and seen, think most people go wrong.

 

Honesty is very important, but there is also a lot that can be said about tact. You should always be honest with your partner or ex, but it needs to be done in a tactful way - blabbing your feelings out to them when they are not ready or don't want to here them and then saying "they can't accept me" is pointless.

 

If you went on a first or second date you will be honest with your date in a tactful way - in a way that presents your best side. Reconciling with an ex is like going on a first date again, esp if you haven't seen them for months, so why treat them differently?

[verylonely]

What if they just sa No when you ask to get back together, what if they have a new girlfriend within weeks, what if they say that you hurt them too much and cannot go bacK? what then? What if you were so hurt and angry when you found out about the girlfriend that you said some mean things? Is there anyway back then?

[sweet_kisses]

What if they just sa No when you ask to get back together, what if they have a new girlfriend within weeks, what if they say that you hurt them too much and cannot go bacK? what then? What if you were so hurt and angry when you found out about the girlfriend that you said some mean things? Is there anyway back then?

 

Explain that you were angry and acted irrationally, let them know that you understand their reasons for breaking up, and apologize that you never showed him how much you appreciated him while you were dating - assure him that while maybe your actions didn't show it, you really DID appreciate and notice all the thing he did for you.

 

And then take it as a lesson learned for next time and move on/

[OptomisticGirl]

I haven't read the whole thread because my head hurts but I read the first post. And I agree.

 

After the shock wore of I read everything I could on getting my ex back. everything you said, was there. So I started it. Now I have learned it's about getting me back, and him back as a byproduct. I still want him back, but I will not let him know that. If I can help it, he will think I am working and hangin out with new friends and having a blast. I will not cry in front of him ever.

[veeee]

although in the OP it said it's not a game, but to me it feels like a game in some way. It's called let's get out of bed and instead of just reading advice, do what it says lol!

[TMinCali]

Bumping this to help the newbies.

 

I got my ex back but he came back too late. I had moved on and realized there was a reason we broke up. Granted, he still wants to be friends.. ugh.

 

I think most of the time, the reason we want our ex's back is because it's a shock to our system when they dump us and naturally, we always want what we can't have.

 

Good luck, ENA-ers. xoxo

[TMinCali]

Actually, let me correct my last post...

 

I loved Jxxx more than life itself. I waited forever for him to come around. I got ME back and stumbled many times, but eventually, when I truly was doing my own thing... he came back. By then, I was in a new relationship and happy. I was able to see the old relationship objectively and realized the real reasons we broke up. (believe me, as soon as you can be objective, they'll show you) Whether it be neglect, selfishness, abuse, addiction, etc... you'll be reminded.

 

I don't want to make light of the strong and hurt feelings many of you are feeling on here. Believe me, I know exactly what you're going through. It's the worst feeling ever.

 

Just be patient and "nature" (or if you believe in God) will show you what is meant to be.

 

 

[abigheart]

Sorry, I didn't get through all 14 pages...but I feel like I am capable of being friends with my ex as long as I KNOW we will NOT get back together. Are you possibly saying it's okay to break contact and intiiate it? Knowing my ex, I think he would be happy to hear from me. He won't ever ignore a call, he hasn't reached out these past 2+ months but mainly out of respect of my announcing NC in May.

 

I feel like I'm just waiting for him to contact. I am definitely wanting to heal but at the same time, it's hard not to think...well, why can't I just keep my cool and live my life in this VERY moment and not have to think so far ahead about "us." Eh easier said than done.

[whyme568]

I've been reading alot of posts on here.. and have been observing and learning from others mistakes.

 

I've taken some notes and here are the things that I see that is keeping a successful reconciliation from happening.

 

1. I actually think it's a good thing that we pour our hearts out to our ex's when they first break up with us. It lets them know how we truly feel about them.

 

2. After you pour your heart out, you have to back off. Let the things you said to them marinate. When they're not feeling the pressure, and are able to relax and contemplate, they'll think of the words you said to them during the break up. I believe this is very important and crucial for a possible reconciliation.

 

 

Great post! I would have been there if I actually got the answer of "if we were broken up and why" when I hand delivered a card and letter letting him know how I felt, what I HAD been doing when he thought I was not loving him, and the future I really did want. We never had (and still haven't had) a real breakup, he just faded away so I am continually guessing as to what happened. That day I brought him the letter I was hoping to ask him, get an answer, kiss him on the forehead and tell him I love him, then WALK AWAY till he contacted me. But nope, best laid plans, someone showed up before I was able to do that and then never left!

 

Two weeks goes by, I see him, ask him for a response, he says his brain can't handle thinking so deep etc. So I sent another and another. Poor guy! (of course he did that to me many times in the past but apparently what works on my does not work on him!)

 

Fingers still crossed as I have backed off.

[Live-N-Learn]

It has been said on this site many times but rarely understood or followed correctly. You must go NC as soon as possible after the breakup. Go work on yourself and get your life back and learn and grow from what happened. Be the new and improved you.

 

You can then contact your ex if you can handle them not responding, having a new bf/gf, just wanting friendship and no more. Yes, they may be open to trying again but you must have grown and be able to show them you are new and improved and can live without them.

 

This will give you your best chance at a real reconciliation. IMHO

[whyme568]

Did that. Worked fine. We got back together, all seemed well, many more smiles than before etc. Then he disappeared, which made no sense (still doesn't)

[Live-N-Learn]

Did that. Worked fine. We got back together, all seemed well, many more smiles than before etc. Then he disappeared, which made no sense (still doesn't)

 

Well, sorry to hear that. There are no guarantees in life that's for sure. Getting them back is the easy part, working through why you broke up and starting a new healthy and meaningful relationship is the hard part. Sometimes it just does not happen.

 

You may have grown and changed but they may not have. This could be part of the reason.

 

Did he just disappear without a talk? If he did that shows me he did not grow much during the time apart.

[whyme568]

Just faded away, no explanations. This was in April. 2 mos later he told me I left him in November (which a) was not true and b) does not explain Dec-Mar)

 

I will say I thought it felt better when we got back together, the only thing we did not do were overnights for one reason or another. Even he said we were smiling and laughing more. We were making plans for the summer etc then POOF

[Live-N-Learn]

Well, you tried. Screw him. Time to move on to someone that will appreciate you.

[petite]

Live-n-Learn, I just wanted to say it seems like you are doing well in your healing stage. I remember when you first came here, how you felt. Good for you!

[brandnewday47]

Live-n-Learn, I just wanted to say it seems like you are doing well in your healing stage. I remember when you first came here, how you felt. Good for you!

 

I second this... You've come a long way!

[Live-N-Learn]

Thanks for the encouragement, I really appreciate the kind words. Yes I was a wreck and this is the hardest thing I have ever been through relationally. I have learned a ton to say the least! One of these days I will post my entire journey to encourage my fellow ENAers. Not ready to do that yet. This chapter has still not been completed.

[whyme568]

Well, you tried. Screw him. Time to move on to someone that will appreciate you.

 

Not so easy to give up on someone who invested so much in me. Something failed, I just wish I knew what. Still hopeful for that chance. If not, I'm good alone.