Reverse psychology and the "Rebound" relationship

[bitebenot]

her new boyfriend sent me a message asking me if i had seen her this week?

i dont like lying, so i said "honestly. yeah"

i told her what was up and why was her boyfriend sending me messages?

she just kept asking what he said,

i told her it didnt matter and to ask him herself if she wanted to know,

she kept asking so i told her, then she asked when?

i told her this morning and told her i didnt want to get envolved in her relationship, to ask him and talk to him because i didnt want to know anything about him.

she replied saying "shut up, i dont have a relationship anymore"

 

could it be true?

or is she just being dramatic?

 

You answered her emails,phone calls and even the message from the new bf.

You even met her.. I dont know when was the last time you saw fireworks but its coming to you.You got involved very deeply because you are desperate.Dont be surprised if she dumps you for good.You should read the NC rules,if you did read it again.You might get her back but she will be so upset that she will blast you away to finally dump you a few days later.Then you will have only yourself to blame.

[getbiii]

well for two weeks i did the L-C i would only reply to her but never call her fisrt or email her first or anything. and it would seem really childish if after 10000 calls i didnt pick up the phone, she would know i was ignoring her and might get the idea that i dont care about her anymore, and how was i not going to meet her when she came over to my house? i didnt even open the door, my roomate did.

[confused2010]

Could he possibly still be confused after seeing her since we broke up at the end of November? I'm guessing it might take more time since she lives 5 hours away?? I just wish there was some way to get through to him that he is not only hurting me. His family is hurting as well. He hasn't told then ANYTHING about her except that she's an old hs friend, divorced with 2 kids. They have already said they will not accept her.

 

Maybe it's just the ex in me talking but if you were in a relationship and you were happy then wouldn't you want to tell everyone about it?? It's been almost 3 months now and not a peep to his family.

 

I haven't talked to him since Monday. He texted a few times yesterday and called this morning. Again, his messages were so "silly": Goodmorning, how are you, have a great day, how'd you sleep?

 

It's really killing me inside not to be able to see him, and to talk to him. I'm getting to the point where I don't care as much about getting back with him, but I just want this B**** out of his life! He's been her sugar daddy for a while now...

[bitebenot]

well for two weeks i did the L-C i would only reply to her but never call her fisrt or email her first or anything. and it would seem really childish if after 10000 calls i didnt pick up the phone, she would know i was ignoring her and might get the idea that i dont care about her anymore, and how was i not going to meet her when she came over to my house? i didnt even open the door, my roomate did.

 

All contacts she had with you were for her own good..not yours ! And the fact you told her bf that she did contact you,true you didnt have to lie but you didnt have to answer him either ! Shes confortable sitting on her chair with you on the left and the new bf on her right.She got it made ! She knows you're in her pocket.To many contacts aint good.She keeps you on hold in case it doesnt work out with her novelty.If its not about reconciliation you should cut all contacts with her from now on.Take her back to quickly and she will leave again and for good ! It doesnt ring a bell to you when she said " i miss you and i love you and i dont want to lose you " and still goes back to her new bf ? Shes playing you and shes good at it.Good luck !

[getbiii]

this is true, from today i am having no contact at all. i didn't feed her ego thou, when we did talk i acted like i didnt care or if we had been friends all this time. she even asked me if i had forgotten about her and if i hated her? she said i should hate her. i ignored those questions.

[getbiii]

i also did the low contact thing because zorbaa said we had a better chance of getting them back if we remained friends

[MyAwakening]

Confused2010,

 

If his family has already said that they will not accept her, That explains him not introducing them.

Yes, he definitely could still be confused. Probably more because he pushed on with someone else. That whole rebound situation will do that to the dumper. In any relationship there's always a period of time after it ends that leaves you feeling hurt, scared, confused, doubtful, etc. I know we dumpees tend to wish that they felt it just as we did, but everyone has a different process. Despite them rebounding, you can't know for sure just how hurt or scared he is. Everyone hides it or deals with it differently. From the oustide looking in it seems to us, (and others) that our exes running scared. They won't admit that because they aren't sure it is, they're stuck in it. (and it's not a good idea to tell them that, that will just cause more friction and make them feel you are being bitter etc) This is just their way of hiding from their pain. And in past situations, I know that a lot of people wanted to tell me that, but felt it was not their business. Because really, it wasn't. It was my learning curve, and it's brought me to this point years later. I will never make a hasty decision like that again.

 

My ex tells me it was a point for him to move on. He said that chances like that didn't come along for him after me, so when he met this girl, he slowly began to date her. People told him it was good to 'get back on the horse' He saw it as an opportunity he didn't want to miss if it signified a way to move on, forget the hurt left behind. It gave him something to do. I see the world and the universe differently, because to me combined with my learning experiences, I couldn't ever rebound again, and I know that even if I went out tomorrow and met a nice new man, it's up to me to figure out whether I'm really ready or just starting something for my ego's sake. Plus, there's plenty more opportunities if you don't feel ready just yet. That's probably a fundamental reason my ex and I are on different sides of the fence. At least I know I've grown. Hehe.

 

I've been thinking the last few days since I learnt of my exes rebound, and despite the horrible depression, the lack of appetite, the sleepless nights and the over analyzing. I am grateful that I've worked through this internally and I guess in my opinion a much more effective and healthy way. I'll feel like this for __ amount of time. Then I'll find I feel ok about moving forward. Just because I am not there yet doesn't mean I won't be next Monday or next month. You never know in this crazy life

 

It's easier every day to accept it may take time for him to come to a decision, but I won't let it lock me up and make my decisions. This is just as much a learning process and a growth period for me as it is him.

 

Getbiii, I think keep doing what you're doing! You did well to not acknowledge her ego when you saw her.

[getbiii]

how ever, i also didnt want to act like a jerk. i didnt hug her, i would only rub her back as she was crying but when i would try to move away or stand up from the couch, she would pull me and hug me, at one point she even kissed me but it didnt last long, then she said she wanted to leave. i walked her to the door and she started crying out more (i guess because she saw i wasn't holding her back) and then i asked her again what was wrong and she didnt reply then i opened the door and told her to take care and she cried louder and asked me if i was kicking her out? i told her i just thought she had to leave and told her she was welcome to stay if she wanted to, which she did... it was all pretty much like that over and over until she stopped crying then tried to make small talk with me and told me what she had been up to lately until she had to finally leave. i let her go...

[phaze]

getbiii- reading your post reminds me of why I'm better off without my ex. Yours is playing games, like mine was. BiteBeNot is right, stick to NC. If she wants to reconcile, she can leave a message and even then, I would tread carefully. You being in her life is just easing her guilt. She chose to leave you, and now it's time for her to face the responsibilities of her choices.

 

I'm sorry you have to go through this. It really frustrates me to see some people's immaturity (your ex and mine).

[getbiii]

her boyfriend contacted me and made me feel so bad,

he asked me if i had seen her this past week,

then he started saying that i only make her suffer and that i shoudl keep away from her

and all sort of things,

any ways

i told her, i sent her a text and said hey whats up with your boyfriend asking me all this stuff, it really hurts you know, i don wanna be involved in you relationship.

 

she replied saying "shut up, i dont even have a relation anymore"

 

then she asked me what he had asked me

so i told her to ask him and she asked me again so i told her.

 

she then sent me a text saying "you dont make me suffer, i appoligize for what ever he said to you and that he made you feel bad, the truth is that he doesnt know me, and i know what that what we shared yesterday was love but it confused everything i knew and felt, and i dont know what to do with everything, im only killing myself. i dont have anyone to talk to and the truth is i think i need a psychologist because im not ok, but i love you, just le me find myself and we'll see what happens...

 

 

i dont know what to do,

i think i F.ed up

im going to NC

[MyAwakening]

Yep, definitely NC!

[bitebenot]

Absolutely ! Reconciliatialtion and the other has been dumped or no communication at all. Dont answer that phone !!!!!!!!

[getbiii]

any body know good ways to keep me from trying to talk to her? what can i do to help me kinda move on for now

[bitebenot]

any body know good ways to keep me from trying to talk to her? what can i do to help me kinda move on for now

 

Easy,tell yourself if you talk to her she will be gone for good.

If you dont talk to her you have a chance to get her back.

Its hard but she has to do it on her own.

Let her chase you,simple enough.

Just wait and be patient,let her think by giving her space.Let her see and feel what shes missing.Already she cant stay away from you and she showed up at your door ! So far so good.

Be wise and use the NC.

[getbiii]

hey i have something else to tell you that happened before i wrote this =S

i feel it is very important,

when she came over we had sex, but not just sex i guess you can call it "love"

she even stayed after and slept here,

i know it was wrong but it happened so fast,

i thought it was over,

but later on during the night she still sent me texts sayng she loves me and misses me,

but i didnt reply

then that thing with her boyfriend happened.

while he was talking smack to me, i asked her about yesterday and that i felt like i was a side dish, she said "not at all, on the contrary, i've been thinking about you all day long and what happened, it was one of the most beautifull things i have done with you, and you aren't a side dish. i didnt go to your house because i wanted sex"

i was feeling bad so i replied telling her "but tell me who am i in all this? at the end of it all you are still with him, and what ever you say are just words and it doesnt even matter"

she replied saying

" well thanks for leaving me, he is going to leave me too, i dont diserve any one, im an awfull person, but i want to congradulate you on leaving me on time, thanks"

 

i checked her facebook, and she erased all the pictures that guy uploaded, and she wrote "i hate all theese pictures" i was thinking about what she has been saying, is it possible that she is trying to let him off easily? or trying to get him to dump her, i told the guy everything that had happened exept the sex, because he really pissed me off, i told him exactly this

 

"lol i know that,

thats when i know why she doesnt reply,

but honestly you have no clue at all.

what about when you aren't there?

what about in the mornings and in the night?

i know you bought her, her phone.

thats why she told me it wasn't a good idea to talk on her cell.

and you won't believe me,

you probably think im just saying this to make you brake up with her, but im not that childish, i don't care if she's with you or not.

i honestly just want her to be happy but it seems like shes not.

go ahead and believe what you want.

go ask her. see what ever she says, but if you really want to know ask for a detailed phone bill, and ask yourself how she got her bike back.... ""

 

last night she tried to talk to me, i thought she would bring him up and ask why i told him everything but she didn't. so could it be that? that she is trying to break up with him? i dont know. anyways im going to no contact.

[confused2010]

My ex did not just enter into another relationship, he went head first. (Into what I think is the shallow end of the pool!) They were "committed" to each other pretty much since the day he broke it off, or was forced to anyhow because I found out about her.

 

His family has never told him right out that they won't accept her, they told him that he needing a cooling off period since we were together for so long (8 years). But I know for a fact that they will never invite her to any family functions and she will be asked to leave if she shows up. Through IMs it seems she wants him to make that separation from me to her, and tell his family about her, but he hasn't said a word to them. How long do you guys think she can hold that up? If I were her, I would think that he's ashamed of me. Yes? No? Afterall, she's introduced him to her moms and kids. Can a person really be that excepting?? I know his family and they will not change their mind. So what kind of family life will that be for them??

 

I haven't talked to him since Monday. Tues and Wed he texted a couple times and called once but didn't leave a message. He apparently called again this AM but I had turned off my phone so I don't know if he did or not. But it was his text that got to me. You see, he's a type 1 diabetic. He told me that his blood sugar was extremely low this AM and asked me if he would go into a coma if it got any lower. When we were together I took care of all his medical needs. I know that his blood sugar often gets lower in the middle of the night or in the AM and he's never really put much stock in it, he takes care of it and usually doesn't mention it to me. So that is why I'm so perplexed as to why he's bringing it up now. Maybe just to have something to say? I haven't replied to it, but am feeling a little heartless for not.

 

He also sent me some e-mails, apparently he has written them last weekend when I wasn't speaking to him. He mentions how he has to do everything around the house now and that it's a lot of work and that he took me forgranted and he thanked me for everything that I did for him. I'm not sure why he's choosing to share them and why now....

[1guygirl]

it is only natural you are reading into what they have and how you looked after him better and what she or he is thinkin. if they are soooo committed he would say to family "this is my choice accept her or i wont hang around" ....hes cagey for a reason, cos i suspect in his gut hes not so sure and he knas shes jus something to ease his pain. peeps who run into rebounds like this are emotionally very weak people, they swing to the next branch whilst still holding onto the one before, even jus for a split second. its not fair on either you or this girl...i can see it going t*ts up, but you should not concern yourself of that just yet...focus on you, get you better on some level footing and then you can watch the sorry show from a better seat

[confused2010]

Thanks 1guy1girl. You know, it's been 3 months now since all this began. I've been living on my own now for about a month. Some days are definitely better than others. I am trying to move past all this. I'm slowly coming to grips with the fact that he is gone and will never return. It's over, gone, done.

 

But what can I do when the Bi**h won't leave me alone?! I have been receiving emails, calls, even letter from her, describing intimacy details that I just don't care to know. I told him about some of the emails but that's about it. When I told him about the emails he got really upset and told me to stop reading them. He them tells me he has a headache...lol! I just don't think telling him will do any good. Yes? No? I've began to leave my phone off and not check emails or mailbox that often.

[confused2010]

And I don't think he will ever confront her about it b/c he doesn't like confrontation, but even if he does she'll just lie. Shoot, she even says that in her writing that if he asks her about it she's just going to lie. So it's just a case of who he believes more I guess.

[Talus]

Literally just happened to me. The ex has just recently broke up with her rebound because in her words "he wasn't you(meaning me)". I was out of the picture, I ignored her attempts at contact until recently I thought what the hell and met her for about 5mins where she said that. I didn't know they'd broken up or anything about them. But it's wayyyyyy too late and I've just started dating a great new girl

[getbiii]

woah woah please share your story, how long did you ex last with her rebound?

[MyAwakening]

All these things they are contacting you for are just excuses to maintain contact. They are designed to make you feel bad for cutting off and moving away. Even if just subconsciously. Sending thought provoking email, asking to come and collect the rest of your things or delaying the pick up of the rest of your things, calling about their problems, or even the friendly 'nothing' conversations every few weeks.. it's all for their own benefit. It's keeping you near and involved because up until now you have been there, he doesn't want to know you will be gone potentially forever due to his desicions, but it's what he (and you) need.

 

As said before, he needs to see you've gone, and wonder what you're doing, who's interested in you now he's let go. What is improving in your life while he's not there, his imagination needs to run wild, he needs to experience this new relationship to it's fullest and most (potentially) toxic. If you're not around: he misses you. She won't fill your void, she's not you. If he happens to bump into you after x amount of time, he'll see a fresh perspective. No you shouldn't change for him, but when he sees what he hasn't seen in weeks/months he will remember what he was lucky to have had and also what he doesn't have now. It will invite him to compare, whether aware of it or not, he will. Once he sees what someone else may be having, he will feel what you've felt while he's rebounding and it will shock him. All these things are definitely better than hanging around. Hanging around only ensures you're a sure thing and that you're waiting. It's a risk we must take.

 

His medical issues whilst hard to say, are his issues now. Or if anything, they are this new persons issues. Don't over invest in the situation that is currently not giving you any returns.

[TSandullo]

Literally just happened to me. The ex has just recently broke up with her rebound because in her words "he wasn't you(meaning me)". I was out of the picture, I ignored her attempts at contact until recently I thought what the hell and met her for about 5mins where she said that. I didn't know they'd broken up or anything about them. But it's wayyyyyy too late and I've just started dating a great new girl

 

woah woah please share your story, how long did you ex last with her rebound?

 

Yeah! Come on Talus! Share the news and inspire.

We feed off one another's stories and actions.

 

Me:

Today is the lunch 'date'.

Recap:

Last week I get an obscure text from her (my ex) reminiscing about my poetry and letter writing to her over the year. She suggested we meet for lunch this week.

Today we are meeting. In about a couple of hours.

 

Yes, I am a bit nervous.

Yes, I am mildly excited.

Yes, I have grown and developed over time and know how to handle the situation without my emotions overpowering me.

 

For all I know, it might just be a 'friendly' lunch or a reach out to reconcile.

 

Either way, I will be fine.

 

I'll let you know how it all goes later.

 

Stay tuned folks.

[getbiii]

woow so my ex acted so crazy after ignoring her one day,

first she called and a friend answered because i was in the bathroom.

he said she sounded sad,

i didnt call her back of course.

 

then she sent me a text saying

 

"hey sorry to bother you, i see your busy with your friends, but i feel weird and thought of talking to you because i have a lot to tell you, but i guess ill just tell you another day, bye."

 

then she sent one saying

 

" never mindm i understand its not ok to bother you and you probably dont care about my problems hahaha im an idiot for calling you, its just that i imagined for a second that i could call you, but now i realize that you didnt want to answer and so your friend answered and thats great that you can ignore me, i think i need friends like yours. take care, bye"

 

then after that she called me again,

i answered because then it would be to obvious and childish if i didnt,

she sounded weird and i asked her what was up. she asked me why i didnt call back

i told her that i thought she was going to call me another day like her text said, then i asked her what was up with the second text? why she said that, then she hung up after a moment of silence...

 

she then texted me again saying

 

"sorry i understand that you dont want to nor have a reason why to talk to me, but im losing it. i'll see if i call you when i come back from canada (she is going on march 19 for spring break), i find it easier to forget you now that you are ignoring me, so thanks, and well i sincerly hope everything goes great for you, bye."

(thats funny because when i first started the n-c thats what i said to her)

 

then she sent one saying

"you told me i could talk to you when ever i needed you, and i need you now and you are ignoring me. i hate you"

 

each one of theese was around 10 minutes apart.

i didn't reply to a single one,

was it ok to do so?

or should i have replied with simple short answeres??

its obvious it hurt her to see me ignore her,

this is like a week ago all over again,

first she said hate full things,

then she said sorry

then she started to crawl back to me.

 

i dont think she hates me,

i know she loves me,

she told me that yesterday,

she even told me she didnt want to lose me yesterday.

[TSandullo]

 

"sorry i understand that you dont want to nor have a reason why to talk to me, but im losing it. i'll see if i call you when i come back from canada (she is going on march 19 for spring break), i find it easier to forget you now that you are ignoring me, so thanks, and well i sincerly hope everything goes great for you, bye."

 

 

then she sent one saying

"you told me i could talk to you when ever i needed you, and i need you now and you are ignoring me. i hate you"

 

Lol Getbii

 

hope you are doing well my friend.

 

In all honesty, I do believe she is attempting to provoke a response from you which you have done well not to submit to.

 

Considering the content of both texts messages, and the fact that they were a mere ten mins aparts suggests a severe contradiction.

 

"easier to forget you" ----10 mins----> another text!

"sincerly hope everything goes great for you" ---10 mins----> " i hate you"

 

I will not be surprised if you post something here soon telling us how she profusely apologised via text/calls and wants to chat with you as her hair is coming out and her eyes have bled for you.

 

You have done right stepping back now my friend, as have we all.

Your stepping back will be the best thing you have done FOR THE BOTH OF YOU when you look back at things in months to come.

 

Trust me.

 

After breaking up (this Jan) we had LC for over a month (which I broke to have a friendly chat) only to resume LC again until she wanted to meet for lunch which we did to day. I would not have done this in the earlier stages as I was not emotionally or mentally prepared.

 

My point is, as time passes, the hurt will dull and you will look back at this period later on in life and see how insignificant it was. Even if you reconciled and got married, lived on to over 85 and were still married together with great great grand kids, this point in your life will be blurred.

 

So hang in there friend. You are doing the right thing by not responding.

 

If she threatens to harm herself, don't give in (unless you know she has the capability to do so, then request help from her close circle!)

 

The next move is hers. You just carry on with YOUR own life, with or without her, and let the chips fall into place.

 

Take care friend.